Monster Manuel (T)

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There are 141 creatures filed under T, and 1 unobtainable entry.

Monster Manuel Entries
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T9000.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Construct T-9000
  • The T-9000 knows now why you ARX, but it is something it can never do.
  • You should go with a T-9000 if you want to JIVE.
  • Future generations of the T-9000 will be made from a mimetic POKY25569 -- a liquid metal.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Cacotap.gif Nicesword.gif 139 This monster is a Beast Taco Cat
  • The taco cat shares an evolutionary niche with the corn dog, though the two are not actually related.
  • The collective noun for taco cats is a "platter".
  • The alpha male of a platter of taco cats is called the "Supreme", and is identifiable by its sour cream.
Whiteshield.gif 131 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 145 Initiative +30%
Tacofish.gif Nicesword.gif 350 This monster is a Fish taco fish
  • Taco fish are probably the result of some hungry fisherman getting his hands on a magic wand.
  • Taco fish eggs look like puffed corn cereal.
  • Male taco fish have a display of lettuce shreds for mating displays, while females have only cheddar cheese.
Whiteshield.gif 400 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 500 Initiative +50%
Tacoelf taco.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is an Elf taco-clad Crimbo elf
  • Taco Dan's Taco Stand cannot be found on any map; it can only be reached through its fliers.
  • But you've got to give Taco Dan credit for taking a chance on the Crimbo elves and hiring them, so they don't have to go back to Hobopolis.
  • Taco Dan's first name really is "Taco." So it was either rebel against the name his parents gave him, or embrace it.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Tacoelf cart.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is an Elf tacobuilding elf
  • Taco Dan's Crunchtabulous™ shell is rated four and a half out of five on the Taco Institute's Table of Crunchtabulosity.
  • Granted, Taco Dan is the only member of the Taco Institute, so it's possible their research is biased.
  • Still, give him points for honesty and ambition; he left himself a half star of room for improvement.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Kasemhead.gif Nicesword.gif 24 This monster is Weird talking head
  • The Talking Head's internal temperature, as well as its range of motion, is 365 degrees.
  • The Talking Head has been known to sing a naive melody as it haunts its victims.
  • The Talking Head's diet is mostly nuts and berries, unless it can catch a rattlesnake for dinner.
Whiteshield.gif 21 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 21 Initiative +40%
Biggnat.gif Nicesword.gif 136 This monster is a Bug Tan Gnat
  • The tan gnat has a distant relative, the spray-tan gnat, recognizable by its eerie orange color.
  • A tan gnat spends an inordinate amount of time trying to get an even tan underneath its wings.
  • Regardless of where else it could be hanging out, the tan gnat's favorite party spot is about three inches in front of your face.
Whiteshield.gif 127 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 128 Initiative +50%
Hatskel.gif Nicesword.gif 65 This monster is Undead tapdancing skeleton
  • The tapdancing skeleton is usually surrounded by a fleshy overcoat and swaddled in a furry hat, elastic mask, and a pair of shiny marble dice. But when you fight him, he's practically naked.
  • The tapdancing skeleton will not try to kill you if you can beat him in a tap-off, but no one's managed that feet feat yet.
  • The tapdancing skeleton's feetbones are connected to the funkbone.
Whiteshield.gif 99 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 70 Initiative +50%
Adv fast4.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude Tasmanian Dervish
  • Tasmanian Dervishes have to wear special shoes to keep their feet from catching fire from the friction of their spinning.
  • Tasmanian Dervishes never waste their money on spinning classes, because standing-still classes are free.
  • Tasmanian Dervishes do, however, waste their money on spinning rims, because they're the only kind of rims they can actually see properly.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +70%
Fr masterthief.gif Nicesword.gif 400 This monster is a Dude Ted Schwartz, Master Thief
  • Ted Schwartz was born Theodore Schwartz.
  • Ted Schwartz is very bad at choosing an alias.
  • Ted Schwartz is very bad at everything except stealing and stabbing, which is why he ended up in this sorry state of affairs.
Whiteshield.gif 400 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 300 Initiative +300%
Tektite.gif Nicesword.gif 20 This monster is a Beast Tektite
  • Tektites spin webs, but they're generally square instead of circular.
  • Tektite silk is 100 times stronger than human hair, but human hair kind of sucks, so that's not saying much.
  • Oh, wait. . . those dots on its back aren't its eyes. It just has one big eye in the middle at the bottom. Weird.
Whiteshield.gif 18 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 15 Initiative +60%
Skel10.gif Nicesword.gif 300 This monster is Undead ten skeletons
  • Yes, the two skeletons in the center-left are totally high-fiving.
  • A skeleton may not have the guts to attack you, or the nerve, but certainly has the backbone.
  • I'm not sure skeletons are all that terrifying. I mean, would you be more creeped out by a magically animated skeleton, or a magically animated what's left after the skeleton gets taken out?
Whiteshield.gif 270 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 300 Initiative +50%
Vwmutant.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Humanoid terrible mutant
  • Don't feel too bad for this guy. He or she was probably a jerk already.
  • It probably sucks to be a mutant, unless you really like surprises.
  • If you had a mutated ant of uncertain breed, would it be a mutt mutant ant? And if its crotch got poisoned, would that be a tainted mutt mutant ant taint?
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Terrorbot.gif Nicesword.gif 170 This monster is a Construct terrifying robot
  • Robots are frequently used in block-based construction projects because human builders tend to get distracted by exploring nearby caverns and fighting zombies.
  • Don't let this little robot's cuteness throw you into a false sense of security; it is in fact a brutal killing -- oh look, it's trying to solve a Rubik's Cube! Oh that's adorable.
  • This robot is actually a rather old model -- more modern versions are sleeker, more mobile, and astoundingly, even cuter.
Whiteshield.gif 153 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 170 Initiative +50%
Tetched.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude tetched prospector
  • Don't ask him why his mule is named "Number Seven". He'll tell you what happened to the other six.
  • Prospectors have long scraggly beards because that is how they keep their beef jerky safe and warm.
  • Not all prospectors mine for gold. Lithium is another popular choice.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Madpirate.gif Nicesword.gif 83 This monster is a Pirate tetchy pirate
  • The tetchy pirate just had a bad day, and didn't get a lot of sleep last night, so he really doesn't need your crap right now, OKAY?
  • Tetchy pirates are ready to fight at the drop of a hat. When it's a breezy day on the pirate ship, there's a lot of black eyes the next morning.
  • A tetchy pirate once got into a fight with a yardarm and a length of rope. He lost.
Whiteshield.gif 75 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 72 Initiative +50%
Thanksgolem.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Construct Thanksgolem
  • I'm thankful that Thanksgiving has a well-placed G in it, making this monster easy to name.
  • I'm thankful that this month I came up with an idea for an IotM that doesn't require 11,500 lines of code and 340 dialogue entries.
  • I'm thankful for only having to write three factoids.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 10000 Never wins initiative
Badvibe7.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is Weird that time you screwed everything up like a complete idiot
  • Another mistake to avoid: wet cardboard is not useful as electrical insulation.
  • Practically no household pets are non-flammable.
  • Please be careful not to address the Queen "Yo what up, beeyotch?"
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Poverty.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is Weird the abstract concept of poverty
  • If this encounter seems kind of grim, you should've seen it when it was "poverty-stricken children". And then I was like "Oh wait, this is a comedy game huh"
  • Poverty isn't very funny. And that's pretty much why this fight isn't either I guess.
  • St. Nicholas helping the poor is kind of an important part of the Santa Claus mythology though, so like, what're ya gonna do?
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Theaquaman.gif Nicesword.gif 260 This monster is a Dude The Aquaman
  • The Aquaman has an ice ceiling instead of a glass one.
  • The Aquaman is made from only the purest glacier water, imported at fantastic expense.
  • The Aquaman can not only keep you down, he can hold you there until you drown.
Whiteshield.gif 240 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 2000 Initiative +60%
Batboss author.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude The Author
  • The Author actually mainly deals in novels. Comics are more of a side-project she does for fun.
  • The jacket photo on her most recent novel is shoulders-up, so you can't see the straitjacket.
  • Where does she get her ideas for her novels? Mostly by writing "And then The Author had an amazing idea for a novel!"
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Boris.gif Nicesword.gif 230 This monster is a Dude The Avatar of Boris
  • Boris could crack walnut shells between his mighty buttocks. You might think you'd like to see that, but trust me, you're wrong.
  • Boris and Jarlsberg's friendly rivalry began to sour as Jarlsberg tested his magical abilities on Boris. The day he turned Boris's Helm into a dormouse for a half an hour was a particularly dark one for the friendship.
  • Boris consistently scored slightly higher on intelligence tests than Jarlsberg did. Which only served to fuel the mage's jealous rage.
Whiteshield.gif 190 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 1000 Initiative +50%
Jarlsberg.gif Nicesword.gif 240 This monster is a Dude The Avatar of Jarlsberg
  • Jarlsberg only weighed about 110 pounds, and most of that was hat.
  • Jarlsberg wasn't always such a germophobe. When he was three years old, a filthy kid like all kids, he went to the zoo and an elephant sneezed on him, coating him in mucus. He got a horrible cold and was never the same.
  • Jarlsberg didn't have a lot of friends, but not because he was a nerd. He didn't have a lot of friends because he was also kind of a jerk.
Whiteshield.gif 180 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 600 Initiative +100%
Sneakypete.gif Nicesword.gif 225 This monster is a Dude The Avatar of Sneaky Pete
  • Sneaky Pete was a ramblin' man, and he traveled light. He kept all of his possessions rolled into the sleeve of his T-shirt.
  • Sneaky Pete's shades were mirrored for maximum checkin' out the ladies action.
  • Sneaky Pete was both a man's man and a ladies man. Women wanted him and men wanted to be him. And occasionally vice versa. It takes all kinds.
Whiteshield.gif 202 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 800 Initiative +200%
Barrelbeast.gif Nicesword.gif 200 This monster is a Construct The Barrelmech of Diogenes
  • You might think he would have used the barrel he lived in to make the robot's head, but nope. It's the butt.
  • Of what use is a velociraptor that doesn't hurt anybody's feelings?
  • This is not the most ridiculous monster I've written recently.
Whiteshield.gif 250 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 1500 Initiative +25%
Batinspats.gif Nicesword.gif 150 This monster is a Beast The Bat in the Spats
  • The Bat in the Spats has an army of tailors,
    At whom he swears like a number of sailors.
  • The spats on the Bat are constructed of flesh,
    That was flayed from the damned, it was harvested fresh.
  • The Bat's got renown for his rantings vainglorious,
    His self-centered raving has made him notorious.
Whiteshield.gif 135 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 9500 Initiative +100%
Beefhemoth.gif Nicesword.gif 300 This monster is a Beast The Beefhemoth
  • The Beefhemoth is 95% fat free. His doctor keeps pestering him to get that up to 97%.
  • While it looks like the Beefhemoth's feet are made of beef, they're actually just bone. He's wearing beef boots.
  • The Beefhemoth suffers from arthritis in his T-Bone. And especially oily skin in his T-Zone.
Whiteshield.gif 300 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 1000 Never wins initiative
Thisdude.gif Nicesword.gif 250 This monster is a Hippy The Big Wisniewski
  • The Big Wisniewski used to be a radio DJ, but a whimsical hobo showed him the true path to happiness.
  • What with the beard and all, you probably thought he was a giant, but he's not that big. I mean, he's not small, he's like 6'1", but you've definitely seen bigger.
  • Disregarding the height thing, it's still not really accurate to call him The Big Wisniewski, as that label actually refers to someone else. But, y'know, whatever. Let's just go bowling.
Whiteshield.gif 225 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 2000 Initiative +60%
Beelzebozo.gif Nicesword.gif 27 This monster is a Horror The Clownlord Beelzebozo
  • Beelzebozo is frequently stopped on the street by people who have mistaken him for Tim Curry, which annoys him to no end.
  • Opinions differ on what clowns actually are -- some say they're simply a different breed of demon, while others think they're projections into our universe of creatures from an altogether different and more horrible reality.
  • Whatever clowns actually are, though, everyone agrees on this fact: they aren't funny.
Whiteshield.gif 27 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 40 Initiative +85%
Bath craykin.gif Nicesword.gif 135 This monster is a Fish The Cray-Kin
  • The Cray-Kin was supposed to be a drawing of a crayfish, but ended up all tentacled and weird when the bathwater made the crayons run.
  • The Cray-Kin is non-toxic, but ingestion by it is still lethal.
  • The Cray-Kin contains trace levels of cadmium and lead. So, y'know, don't put it in a body of hot water where you're going to soak a long time.
Whiteshield.gif 135 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 160 Initiative +500%
Dodec.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is Weird the Crimborg
  • It could be worse. Imagine if the holiday they had assimilated had been Valentine's Day? Yikes.
  • The Thanksborg would be interesting. You could fit a lot of hardware in one of those hats.
  • The New Years Borg would make a lot of plans to conquer other races, but they would always peter out by March.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Theemperor.gif Nicesword.gif 100 This monster is a Dude The Emperor
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Whiteshield.gif 100 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +100%
Skelmanager.gif Nicesword.gif 5 This monster is Undead the former owner of the Skeleton Store
  • The former owner of the Skeleton Store is both a serial entrepreneur and a serial murderer.
  • Skeleton stores are a really big deal in Germany right now. It's totally gonna happen here, and this guy would've been ideally positioned to dominate the market.
  • You know what they say: Like your work, love your skeleton.
Whiteshield.gif 5 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 8 Never wins initiative
Snakeboss2.gif Nicesword.gif 160 This monster is a Beast The Frattlesnake
  • The Frattlesnake's skeleton is mostly skull and ribs. It refers to itself as "ribbed for your pleasure."
  • The Frattlesnake's hood looks eerily like a popped collar when it is deployed.
  • The Frattlesnake's venom is body spray, its saliva hair gel, and its blood is pure alcohol.
Whiteshield.gif 160 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 175 Initiative +50%
Hunter15.gif Nicesword.gif 230 This monster is a Dude The Free Man
  • The Free Man never speaks to adventurers or monsters, but has quite the pleasant speaking voice, and narrates movies on his days off.
  • The Free Man's glasses are not prescription; he's just kind of a hipster.
  • The Free Man works for Orange Table Laboratories, the arch-rival of F-stop Science.
Whiteshield.gif 234 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 360 Initiative +150%
Ghost screege.gif Nicesword.gif 25 This monster is Undead The ghost of Ebenoozer Screege
  • Well, look, you can't expect a ghost to keep up to date on the financial industry. When he was alive, Wall Street was just an open sewer canal.
  • Besides his miserliness, Ebenoozer Screege was also famous for writing the famous poem: "Beans beans, the magical fruit / the more you have, the greater your power and ability to control the lives of others."
  • Ebenoozer Screege died at the unveiling of his gold-plated silo, which he had constructed so he could swim around in his precious beans. Unfortunately, he made the mistake of ordering the silo to be filled while he was standing inside it.
Whiteshield.gif 22 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 25 Initiative +25%
Ghost fortunado.gif Nicesword.gif 190 This monster is Undead The ghost of Jim Unfortunato
  • Unfortunato has been imprisoned for a very long time, so he's had a very long time to think up new insults. He's also had a very long time to become totally out of touch with the current vernacular.
  • To be honest, Unfortunato is less angry about being walled up in the cellar than the fact that his cell didn't actually contain the cask of brandy he was promised.
  • Although nobody knows exactly why Lord Spookyraven walled Unfortunato up in his cellar, it was probably because he has a big mouth.
Whiteshield.gif 170 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 180 Initiative +75%
Ghost sraven.gif Nicesword.gif 32 This monster is Undead The ghost of Lord Montague Spookyraven
  • Lord Maurice Spookyraven murdered his father in order to take over the family fortune early. Lord Montague Spookyraven naturally took a strong exception to this.
  • After being mercilessly haunted by his father for several years, Lord Spookyraven moved to Seaside Town to escape. It didn't work, because he used his father's old suitcase, and the ghost took up residence in it for the duration of the journey.
  • Did Lord Spookyraven the Elder's ghost contribute in some way to the fall of the Spookyraven household? ...Sure, maybe?
Whiteshield.gif 28 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 32 Initiative +30%
Ghost bagel.gif Nicesword.gif 3 This monster is Undead the ghost of Monsieur Baguelle
  • Monsieur Baguelle was not the actual inventor of the bagel, but it was named after him. By someone who didn't know how to spell his name.
  • He was revered as a master among master bakers -- so well-respected that nobody ever made the obvious joke.
  • Many think his death at the hands of an industrial doughnut-hole punching machine was a deliberate protest against the mechanization of his art. Unfortunately, the truth will never be known for certain.
Whiteshield.gif 2 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 10 Initiative +5%
Ghost oily.gif Nicesword.gif 3 This monster is Undead the ghost of Oily McBindle
  • "Oily" Sam McBindle was the inventor of the bindle traditionally carried by hoboes, though few remember him for this now.
  • Oily McBindle got his nickname by sleeping in trainyards, such as the one that eventually became the Overgrown Lot as Seaside Town's railroad fell into disuse.
  • Rumor has it that Oily McBindle died from being crushed and subsequently drowned when a precarious stack of oil drums tipped over on his sleeping form.
Whiteshield.gif 2 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 10 Initiative +5%
Bunionghost.gif Nicesword.gif 72 This monster is Undead the ghost of Phil Bunion
  • Phil Bunion's feet were not the direct cause of his death, but it probably felt that way to him much of the time.
  • Shoes that are too tight are bad for your feet. Seriously, be good to your feet. Wear comfortable shoes.
  • It takes a lot of practice and concentration for a ghost to be able to attack a living person directly, especially if they don't have the good fortune to be trained by Vincent Schiavelli.
Whiteshield.gif 68 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 60 Initiative +40%
Ghost censor.gif Nicesword.gif 85 This monster is Undead The ghost of Richard Cockingham
  • You might imagine that the Smut Orcs killed Standards & Practices Agent Richard Cockingham, but actually they were just confused and couldn't figure out why he was so angry all the time.
  • In fact, Agent Cockingham choked to death on his own bile when he misheard a Smut Orc talking about a sick duck.
  • Now that he's a ghost and can walk through bedroom and bathroom walls, Agent Cockingham finds obscenity everywhere he goes.
Whiteshield.gif 80 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 80 Initiative +50%
Ghost flame.gif Nicesword.gif 95 This monster is Undead The ghost of Sam McGee
  • He came from desert sands in the Distant Lands, to this place of ice and snow. And no one was told why he braved the cold, at least no one I know.
  • The climb, it was rough, but old Sam was tough, and he knew he'd succeed if he tried. He climbed up that peak though it took him a week, and there at the top's where he died.
  • So when you've got a task that's a difficult ask, just keep working and things'll get better. But if it gets cold, don't be overbold -- remember to put on a sweater.
Whiteshield.gif 85 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 90 Initiative +40%
Ghost hippy.gif Nicesword.gif 32 This monster is Undead The ghost of Vanillica "Trashblossom" Gorton
  • Trashblossom Gorton was one of the protestors who attempted to stop the Old Landfill before it was even the New Landfill. It wasn't a very successful protest.
  • Her plan was to chain herself to the gates, so that the dumptrucks couldn't enter. However, since there wasn't actually a wall around the site, this wasn't very effective.
  • Trashblossom eventually died buried under several tons of trash and scrap. Which is sad, but at least she's managed to accept the landfill as part of her personal philosophy or whatever,
Whiteshield.gif 28 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 32 Initiative +30%
Ghost waldo.gif Nicesword.gif 70 This monster is Undead The ghost of Waldo the Carpathian
  • Waldo the Carpathian was a military commander who, informed that his sins had damned him to hell, decided to march there himself and deal with the devil on his own terms. Is it metal? Oh yeah.
  • Neither Waldo nor any of his troops returned from their campaign. For a while, everyone wondered where he had gone, and searched for him, but he was nowhere to be found.
  • Nobody knows what artist painted his portrait, in such magnificent detail that it was able to serve as a literal window to hell itself. But it's not surprising that the Spookyravens were a fan.
Whiteshield.gif 65 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 70 Initiative +60%
Thegunk.gif Nicesword.gif 81 This monster is a Slime the gunk
  • The gunk is equal parts artificial sweetener and pure malice.
  • The gunk is low-calorie and all-natural, which means nothing.
  • The gunk is even technically organic, and certified gluten-free. But it will still kill the crap out of you.
Whiteshield.gif 81 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 80 Never wins initiative
Ghost horse.gif Nicesword.gif 12 This monster is Undead The Headless Horseman
  • Some people think the Headless Horseman is the actual origin of legends about centaurs. Other people think those people are weird.
  • The Headless Horseman is undoubtedly a soldier from some past war, though nobody knows which army she fought for. Except, presumably, the losing one.
  • Some people say the Headless Horseman deliberately cut her horse's head off so it wouldn't impede his sword-swings. Other people say it was an accident. Nobody knows for sure.
Whiteshield.gif 10 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 12 Initiative +15%
Ghost icewoman.gif Nicesword.gif 25 This monster is Undead The Icewoman
  • This lady used to deliver ice, back in the days when an 'icebox' was a thing you kept a literal block of ice in, to keep your food cold. If that sounds like a real pain in the butt, well, it's better than eating salt-cured beef jerky for every meal.
  • It seems that Lord Spookyraven -- in his later, more murderous years -- decided that killing this ice deliverywoman and trapping her spirit in the icebox would be a more practical way to keep the food cold. Evil, yeah, but it worked.
  • It's a good thing for me the Spookyravens weren't more modern -- otherwise I'd have to figure out how to write a ghost made of freon.
Whiteshield.gif 22 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 25 Initiative +25%
Batboss inquis.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude The Inquisitor
  • Did you know that George Washington had a horse named Fred?
  • Did you know that the capybara is not actually the largest land rodent? It's actually the largest land reptile.
  • Did you know that bees can smell silicon from up to a mile away?
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Jokester.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude The Jokester
  • Nobody knows how The Jokester's mouth got like that, but some suspect he made a face when he was a little kid and it stuck that way.
  • "The Jokester" is his real name -- he had it changed legally. It's on his driver's license.
  • The Jokester is only considered Batfellow's most dangerous villain because Batfellow has no sense of humor and risks an aneurism every time they fight.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Landscaper.gif Nicesword.gif 100 This monster is a Demon The Landscaper
  • It is unknown how the Landscaper got his teeth on his lips, instead of inside his mouth. Demons just look weird sometimes, I guess.
  • The Landscaper's leafblower is, of course, a Dust Devil. I mean come on, like he's gonna use a Black & Decker? That wouldn't be funny at all.
  • The second most annoying noise you've ever heard was when your neighbor's parrot started mimicking the radio's Emergency Broadcast Network test signal.
Whiteshield.gif 90 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 100000 Never wins initiative
Snitch.gif Nicesword.gif 150 This monster is a Beast The Large-Bellied Snitch
  • The large-bellied snitch likes to eat tubs of butter
    Without it, he'll twitch and he'll shiver and stutter!
  • The glutinous blood of the large-bellied snitch
    Is a foul-smelling substance that's blacker than pitch.
  • Treat this advice like it was booze! Take a boss sip!
    Ignore the snitch and then he can't spread his gossip.
Whiteshield.gif 135 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 10000 Initiative +150%
Adv hot4.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude The Lavalier
  • The Lavalier provides comfort and mobility at the cost of slightly reduced audio quality.
  • In the original French, the Lavalier's name is pronounced "Pierre."
  • When he was still in his mother's womb, he was technically named The Magmalier.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Theluter.gif Nicesword.gif 75 This monster is Undead The Luter
  • The Luter is technically classified as a skeleton-animating poltergeist, rather than a magically-animated skeleton or really decayed zombie.
  • The Luter was buried with Clancy's lute, but the rest of his lute loot has never been found.
  • It's said that the Luter would sometimes play a loot lute in front of his lute loot, just to give scribes a headache.
Whiteshield.gif 67 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +50%
Batboss libber.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude The Mad Libber
  • Most feminists, when they say "Smash the patriarchy!" don't mean it quite so literally.
  • Not that "Smash the patriarchy" is what she says any more. Not exactly. But that's probably what she means.
  • She's distantly related to William S. Burroughs, so her odd malady might actually be genetic.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Theman.gif Nicesword.gif 250 This monster is a Dude The Man
  • The Man should not be confused with "Da Man," as in, "You da man, broseph!" Also, you should never say "you da man, broseph."
  • The Man has a steel plate in his head. So if you have a spare refrigerator magnet, you can stick it to The Man.
  • The Man doesn't personally keep anyone down. He has a legion of hired goons and unpaid sycophants to do the down-holding for him.
Whiteshield.gif 225 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 2000 Initiative +60%
Darkmariachi.gif Nicesword.gif 115 This monster is a Dude The Mariachi With No Name
  • The Mariachi with No Name is the fastest draw in Bordertown. Fortunately, he's also the worst shot.
  • The Mariachi with No Name was born Quincy Leslie Droolypants the Third. So ditching the name was a wise choice.
  • The Mariachi with No Name grows stubble so fast that his 5 o'clock shadow shows up at noon.
Whiteshield.gif 103 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +60%
Adv smart4.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude The Mastermind
  • Nobody knows The Mastermind's real name, but it's not like he's going to get a lot of birthday cards anyway.
  • The Mastermind's henchmen aren't huge fans of the face-concealing helmets, but at least they're free to get facial piercings if they want.
  • The Mastermind's hobbies include solitaire (he cheats), day-insider-trading, and writing snide comments in the margins of spy novels.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +80%
Badvibe6.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is Weird the most embarrassing moment in your entire life
  • Hey, could be worse, at least you didn't accidentally forward everyone on the school email server that photograph of you eating dog poop when you were three years old. ...Did you?
  • Don't worry about it, it's not like you called the principal 'Mommy' during your valedictorian speech. I hope.
  • Look on the bright side -- at least you didn't accidentally urinate on the Prime Minister. ...Right?
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Batboss plumber.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude The Plumber
  • His name is not actually "Joe", it's "Walter". Did I mention that? I think I mentioned that.
  • He calls himself The Plumber because, well, to be honest he doesn't have a lot of imagination.
  • He will kick your ass if you call him 'Mario'.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Badvibe2.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is Weird the realization that everyone you love will die someday
  • It's a good thing that people die, because otherwise your rent would be absurd.
  • In a sense, nobody ever truly dies until everyone alive has forgotten about them. So uh... yeah, everyone still dies. But it takes longer!
  • The flipside of everyone dying someday is the fact that everyone will be born someday, which means we're going to run out of possible people. That seems even more worrying!
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Rainking.gif Nicesword.gif 280 This monster is a Dude The Rain King
  • There's a part of the Rain King's consciousness in all water everywhere. So it's pretty unpleasant for him whenever someone drinks a glass.
  • Then again, he does get to hang out in everybody's baths and showers. Which, y'know, has its ups and downs.
  • The Rain King delights in raining on people's parades. And everything else.
Whiteshield.gif 250 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 800 Always wins initiative
Theserver.gif Nicesword.gif 90 This monster is a Construct The Server
  • The bits of the Server that look like meat aren't actually meat. Or, well, they're demon meat, which is akin to regular meat but different. Like how cricket is similar to baseball, but not really.
  • Those are totally squid tentacles and umbilical cords, though.
  • Besides being really hot, the mouth of hell is also uncomfortably humid, and smells terrible. Because of hellitosis, ha! ha! ha!
Whiteshield.gif 90 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 999999999 Initiative +75%
Sierpinski.gif Nicesword.gif 77 This monster is a Dude The Sierpinski brothers
  • Isn't it nice when brothers work together? Even if it is as part of a throroughly[sic] evil underground criminal organization?
  • Chang and Eng aren't any sort of twins. That was two other guys.
  •   ∆
    ∆ ∆
Whiteshield.gif 74 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 95 Initiative +70%
Snakeboss3.gif Nicesword.gif 160 This monster is a Beast The Snake With Like Ten Heads
  • The Snake with Like Ten Heads might have as many as twelve heads, but it's hard to tell when they're all squirming around at once.
  • The Snake with Like Ten Heads has a vast repository of dirty jokes at its disposal. Most are even more filthy than the one about the Plowman's Daughter.
  • The Snake with Like Ten Heads may have ten heads, but the gods only gave him enough brains to run one at a time, amirite?
Whiteshield.gif 160 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 175 Initiative +50%
Thepinch.gif Nicesword.gif 150 This monster is a Humanoid The Terrible Pinch
  • You can try to talk sense to the Terrible Pinch,
    But he'll cover his ears and he won't budge an inch.
  • The Terrible Pinch once stole Valentine's Day,
    And he's gunning for Crimbo, or so people say.
  • The Terrible Pinch needs some love, it is true,
    His body is green, but some parts are all blue.
Whiteshield.gif 135 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 1000 Initiative +100%
Thething.gif Nicesword.gif 200 This monster is a Humanoid The Thing with No Name
  • The Thing with No Name has a face like a dog,
    But he walks like a duck and he smells like a bog!
  • The Thing with No Name wears a sizable hat,
    But that isn't his! He stole it from a cat!
  • The Thing with No Name will not eat ham that's green
    For which I can't blame him, you know what I mean.
Whiteshield.gif 225 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 1000 Never wins initiative
Thethorax.gif Nicesword.gif 150 This monster is a Beast The Thorax
  • Although he's not much more than arms, chest, and abs,
    those will do very nicely as places to stab.
  • The Thorax's fists are both heavy as hams,
    He'll hit you and make you say several "Damn!"s.
  • The Thorax can't smell, as it hasn't a nose,
    It doesn't see very well, too, I suppose.
Whiteshield.gif 135 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 9500 Initiative +100%
Ukskeleton.gif Nicesword.gif 500 This monster is Undead The Unkillable Skeleton
  • Sometimes the undead seek vengeance because they were executed for crimes they didn't commit. This guy, though -- he totally did it.
  • What happens when an Unkillable Skeleton encounters an Unstoppable Killer? You just found out!
  • If you ever date the Unkillable Skeleton, I cannot stress this enough: It is absolutely critical that you do not take a bath with him.
Whiteshield.gif 500 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 500 Initiative +200%
Unknownghost.gif Nicesword.gif 25 This monster is Undead The Unknown Accordion Thief
  • Since Accordion Thieves thrive on secrecy and anonymity, it's not real surprising that no one knows who this guy is. Most dead Accordion Thieves are Unknown Accordion Thieves.
  • The accordion is, of course, the second stealthiest musical instrument. The stealthiest instrument is the invisible bagpipe.
  • (The third factoid for this enemy has been stolen.)
Whiteshield.gif 25 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 15 Never wins initiative
Unknownghost.gif Nicesword.gif 25 This monster is Undead The Unknown Disco Bandit
  • One advantage of being a disco ghost, of course, is not having to spend a ton of money on dry-cleaning.
  • Actually, not having to spend a ton of money on dry-cleaning is an advantage for every kind of ghost.
  • Contrary to popular belief, something something "Stayin' Alive".
Whiteshield.gif 25 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 15 Never wins initiative
Unknownghost.gif Nicesword.gif 25 This monster is Undead The Unknown Pastamancer
  • It's been suggested that the Unknown Pastamancer is actually Chef Boyardee, but in fact Chef Boyardee is still alive, living under an assumed name in the Witness Protection Program.
  • Some people expect the Ghost of the Unknown Pastamancer to mance unknown pasta, but that's not what it means. Plus 'mance' by itself isn't really a word.
  • Come to think of it, 'Pastamancer' is barely a word itself.
Whiteshield.gif 25 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 15 Never wins initiative
Unknownghost.gif Nicesword.gif 25 This monster is Undead The Unknown Sauceror
  • Sauce lyonnaise is like mayonnaise, except made of lions.
  • Dijon mustard is produced by extracting it from dijonnaise, using a special centrifuge.
  • The condiment known as "HP Sauce" is largely imaginary -- 90% non-existant by volume.
Whiteshield.gif 25 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 15 Never wins initiative
Unknownghost.gif Nicesword.gif 25 This monster is Undead The Unknown Seal Clubber
  • People often guess that the Unknown Seal Clubber was Bjorn himself, but research indicates Bjorn died from trying to headbutt an iceberg into submission and was carried out to sea.
  • We also know the Unknown Seal Clubber isn't Boris, because come on, everone knows Boris. He wasn't even really a Seal Clubber per se.
  • Historians have so far resisted the temptation to just ask the Ghost of the Unknown Seal Clubber who he was, because that would spoil the fun.
Whiteshield.gif 25 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 15 Never wins initiative
Unknownghost.gif Nicesword.gif 25 This monster is Undead The Unknown Turtle Tamer
  • Carl is the largest known tamed turtle in the Kingdom, which annoys historians because you'd think they'd know who tamed him, right? But nope.
  • Gargapagos Tortoises like Carl are very rare, mainly because there isn't room for very many of them.
  • When Carl died, his shell was repurposed as a gift shop for the local zoo.
Whiteshield.gif 25 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 15 Never wins initiative
They.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Humanoid They
  • CONSUME
  • MARRY AND REPRODUCE
  • DO NOT QUESTION AUTHORITY
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Blank.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is Weird Thinker of Thoughts
  • Whenever the horse stopped (which it did very often), he fell off in front; and, whenever it went on again (which it generally did rather suddenly), he fell off behind.
  • And they understood, of course the time-honored allegory of the Trick Top Hat, which was just a symbol for the brain.
  • "Freedom Hall here, folks!" he screams in his phoney Texas accent. Ten-gallon hat and cowboy boots still on, he dances the Liquefactionist Jig, ending with a grotesque can-can to the tune of She Started a Heat Wave.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Tnbot2.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Construct Thinknerd Moving Robot
  • The moving robot does own a truck, but will not help you move out of your third-floor apartment.
  • In silhouette, it's incredibly hard to tell if the moving robot is facing toward or away from you.
  • The moving robot had its voice chip switched out a few years ago, and a lot of nerds are still disgruntled about it.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +50%
Tnbot3.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Construct Thinknerd Packing Robot
  • The packing robot has a lovely singing voice. No one's sure who programmed that part.
  • The packing robot is more of an intellectual and less of a wiseacre than the moving robot.
  • The packing robot hovers over the merchandise, sucks it up into the globe up top, then hovers over to the package and drops it back out. Again, best not to anthropomorphize that process.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Tnbot1.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Construct Thinknerd Sorting Robot
  • The sorting robot's high-pitched voice makes it easier for it to be heard amongst the hustle and bustle of the Thinknerd warehouse floor.
  • The sorting robot's vacuum hose can generate almost as much suction power as your mom.
  • The sorting robot seems a little ditsy, but that's because it's controlling the flow of all the goods through the entire warehouse.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Bigskeleton3.gif Nicesword.gif 80 This monster is Undead three skeleton invaders
  • The three skeleton's names are Curly, Dewey, and Aramis.
  • Between them, the three skeletons have 72 ribs!
  • The high-fiving skeleton was kind of a bro in life, and bro-ness carries beyond the grave.
Whiteshield.gif 72 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 80 Initiative +50%
Thug1thug2.gif Nicesword.gif 150 This monster is a Humanoid Thug 1 and Thug 2
  • Thug 2 is the short one. Thug 1's a bit taller!
    But both would kick in all your teeth for a dollar!
  • Thug 2 fights and bites with unlimited ardor,
    He's not number 1, but that makes him try harder.
  • Thug 1 has a birthmark the shape of a bugbear,
    He'll squeal like a pig if you give him a tug there.
Whiteshield.gif 135 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 1000 Initiative +500%
Anger2.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is a Construct ticking time bomb
  • These things have developed some sort of weird just-in-time quantum resurrection technology that allows them to explode and continue to exist.
  • If you can find a friendly one, you can save a ton of money on explosives.
  • You can't find a friendly one.
Whiteshield.gif 40 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 30 Initiative +20%
Tigerlily.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Plant Tiger-lily
  • Tiger-lilies aren't evil, they're just addicted to the thrill of the fight.
  • They enjoy rising up to the challenge of their rival.
  • The last known survivor . . . well, there haven't been any.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +50%
Spelunktiki.gif Nicesword.gif 30 This monster is a Dude tikiman
  • In the off season, tiki men sometimes take jobs as backup singers at Disneyland.
  • The masks of tiki men are highly sought after by middle aged people in the 60s trying to look cool.
  • Tiki men aren't cannibalistic because they're evil -- they just never learned how to eat normal food.
Whiteshield.gif 30 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 30 Never wins initiative
Blankmook.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude time bandit
  • Doc Clock refuses to pay them overtime, because they kept coming up with ways for all their time to be overtime.
  • The time gun works on the principle of "time flies when you're having fun" -- it projects a ray of concentrated fun waves into the target's brain, temporarily stunning them but making the duration pass so subjectively quickly as to be imperceptible.
  • What? No, he's normal height. Why do you ask?
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Noart.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude time-spinner prank
  • The future is so bright, you gotta wear shades.
  • If you accidentally change the past all of your family photos may slowly change.
  • Never put off until tomorrow, things that may be done the day after tomorrow just as well.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Mc tofu2.gif Nicesword.gif 40 This monster is a Humanoid Timmy Tofurkey
  • If a woman pregnant with a male child eats too much soy, the child can be born with feminine features and temperament. And now we know what happened to Jick.
  • Tofu tastes great when fried in bacon grease. Seriously! Give it a shot!
  • Eh, we kid tofu, but it really does make great insulation around drafty windows and doors.
Whiteshield.gif 45 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 90 Initiative +50%
Mc tofu1.gif Nicesword.gif 60 This monster is a Dude Timmy Tofurkey cast member
  • Magic Commune employees are forbidden to take off their costumes in front of guests, even if they feel nauseated or if their chakras become unaligned.
  • Magic Commune employees participate in a mandatory meditation session, drum circle, and group hug every morning.
  • The Magic Commune has pretty high employee turnaround, but they believe each individual must seek his or her path in life, so they don't mind. Besides, it's not like gullible teenagers are in short supply.
Whiteshield.gif 63 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 110 Initiative +20%
Gourd can.gif Nicesword.gif 18 This monster is a Construct tin can conspirator
  • These possessed cans are slightly different from the usual variety -- these contain ghosts for sinister purposes, whereas for the other ones, it's just to improve the flavor.
  • Ghosts don't like puns.
  • If you guessed "creamed corn", you are correct.
Whiteshield.gif 22 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 25 Initiative +50%
Submardines.gif Nicesword.gif 225 This monster is a Fish Tin of Submardines
  • The oil that submardines are packed in is made of poached eggs.
  • Submardines are called that because they swim beneath the waves. The ones that drive around on land in little tanks are just called "mardines".
  • Submardines are excellent on a sandwich. Like a really long sandwich. A hoagie or something.
Whiteshield.gif 200 This monster is Cold.  Cold is weak against Hot and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 250 Initiative +25%
Gourd canspider.gif Nicesword.gif 28 This monster is a Construct tin spider conspirator
  • On the bright side, at least it's just one robo-spider, and not like nine or ten of them Voltroned together.
  • Also on the bright side, it's not venomous! I guess the manufacturers decided that would be overkill. Or nobody wanted to be the guy who has to fill the venom tank.
  • the Weather Underground wants to resurrect Lenin, and plans to achieve this by filling Girl Scout cookies with termites! Wake up, sheeple!
Whiteshield.gif 28 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 35 Initiative +50%
Mimic1.gif Nicesword.gif 15 This monster is Weird tiny barrel mimic
  • You should hear the mimic's Goblin King impersonation; it really nails that weird Goblin accent.
  • Mimics can only mimic things of the same mass as they are. Which means, unfortunately, when they mimic a swarm of bees, it's a HUUUGE swarm.
  • No one's ever seen a mimic in its natural form, but scientist speculate it looks kind of like a duck crossed with a buffalo.
Whiteshield.gif 13 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 25 Initiative +90%
Animelf1.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is an Elf tiny-screwing animelf
  • A tiny-screwing animelf (doo dah, doo dah) can screw a toy every minute, and better do it if she wants to make her quota.
  • Animelfs are paid in candy, just like regular elves, but it's weird squid-and-vinegar-flavored candy.
  • If a tiny-screwing animelf meets her quota for three consecutive Crimbos, she gets a tiny power drill to help out. But knowing Uncle Crimbo, she'll only be employed for this one Crimbo.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Tipsypirate.gif Nicesword.gif 80 This monster is a Pirate tipsy pirate
  • The tipsy pirate has to drink at least two drinks an hour to hold onto his buzz.
  • The tipsy pirate has never been seen using the men's room, as he hasn't 'broken the seal' yet.
  • The tipsy pirate prefers to drink grog, but in a pinch he'll drink just about anything with booze in it, all the way down to vanilla extract and mouthwash.
Whiteshield.gif 72 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 70 Initiative +50%
Tpgeist.gif Nicesword.gif 55 This monster is Undead toilet papergeist
  • The toilet papergeist is one-ply, as Lord Spookyraven was a cheapskate. C'mon, guys. Two ply at the minimum.
  • Wait a minute . . . if a "ply" is a layer, then it's called "plywood" because it's made of layers of wood. Woah.
  • But I'm not sure where pliers fit into that, or how you ply someone for information. Words, man.
Whiteshield.gif 90 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 60 Never wins initiative
Shiv tp.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Plant toilet-papered tree
  • Does it make it better or worse, from the tree's perspective, that the toilet paper's only 1-ply?
  • I mean, seriously, who buys 1-ply toilet paper? That's just not enough plys, y'all.
  • Woah. if "ply" means "layer," then they call it plywood because it's made of different layers of wood glued together. Dude. I have to lie down for a minute.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Tombasp.gif Nicesword.gif 170 This monster is a Beast tomb asp
  • Tomb asps generally hide either in urns or in asp holes.
  • In ancient times, asps were killed, stuffed, and used to adorn the crowns of kings. Thus the leader was referred to as the "asp hat."
  • Tomb asps live on the mummified flesh of the tomb's deceased occupant. So really they're less like snakes and more like limbless scaly ghouls.
Whiteshield.gif 145 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 155 Initiative +70%
Mummybat.gif Nicesword.gif 175 This monster is a Beast tomb bat
  • The great majority of mummified bats are not carriers of mummy rabies, but it's always best to be careful. Mummy rabies is a terrible disease.
  • Very few mummified bats are actually blood-suckers. Most of them eat mummified insects, or raisins.
  • Ancient people believed bats to be holy spirits, because they sleep hanging upside-down, just like angels do.
Whiteshield.gif 157 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 180 Initiative +50%
Tombrat.gif Nicesword.gif 161 This monster is a Beast tomb rat
  • Ancient tomb-owning nobles did little about the rat problem, because having lived with the damn things for their entire lives, they couldn't really imagine an afterlife without them.
  • Prevalence of rats in your grain storage was actually seen as a good omen, because it meant that your grain was not yet 100% rat droppings.
  • Since cats were revered as gods, a little bit of that holiness rubbed off on the rats. After all, if God leaves half a dead rat in your shoe, you can't just throw it away.
Whiteshield.gif 148 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 175 Initiative +50%
Tombratking.gif Nicesword.gif 350 This monster is a Beast tomb rat king
  • A rat king composed of fewer than five rats is technically a "rat prince."
  • Rat kings are sometimes overthrown and replaced by rat representative democracies.
  • Some hippies keep rat kings as pets, since they're basically a commune of rats with dreadlocks.
Whiteshield.gif 315 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 300 Never wins initiative
Tombguy.gif Nicesword.gif 160 This monster is Undead tomb servant
  • When he was alive, the tomb servant's job was cleaning out the royal chamberpot, so he's actually better off.
  • Tomb servants used to pass the time playing rock-paper-scissors. Since rock and scissors hadn't been invented in their time, though, the games were always tied.
  • Tomb servants weren't paid a salary, but they did have excellent health care benefits, including crocodile dung and honey for birth control.
Whiteshield.gif 153 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 185 Initiative +20%
Whirlwind.gif Nicesword.gif 18 This monster is an Elemental tonic water elemental
  • Tonic water glows under ultraviolet light, due to the presence of quinine, which is made from scorpions.
  • Tonic water elementals were originally devised as an experimental defense against malaria. Like most magical experiments of this nature, things got a little out of hand.
  • Attempts to breed tonic water elementals with djinn have been largely unsucessful, because nobody can think of a good punchline. If you have one, please send it to our home office in Sioux City, Iowa.
Whiteshield.gif 16 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 14 Initiative +60%
Mastiff.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Beast toothless mastiff bitch
  • The Loathing Toothless Mastiff is an unusual breed of dog, which was bred with the rather suspect logic that, if a dog's bark is worse than its bite, then if it's really bad at biting, it will bark even less. They aren't very good guard dogs.
  • Of course, the whole "bite/bark" thing doesn't take into account the animal's ability to howl pretty much all the time. They aren't very good pets, either.
  • What they are good at, though, is being delicious. Ha ha, no, just kidding. They taste terrible.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +50%
Toothpirate.gif Nicesword.gif 83 This monster is a Pirate toothy pirate
  • It's estimated that, if all the toothy pirates on the sea had their gold teeth melted down, there'd be enough gold to make two and a half solid-gold ferraris!
  • Due to gold's high conductivity, gold teeth make the best site for secret government-implanted surveillance radios.
  • Gold teeth were invented by Dr. Silas Crunroe, a dentist who noticed the way people kept biting gold coins, and decided to cut out the middleman.
Whiteshield.gif 76 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 75 Initiative +50%
Toothskel.gif Nicesword.gif 57 This monster is Undead toothy sklelton
  • Sure, it's a great life being a toothy sklelton, except that it takes you an hour and a half to floss.
  • The third row of teeth is anchored in the sklelton's nasal cavity, which made sinus infections a real bitch back when it had skin.
  • There is debate in the Loathing parascience community on whether skeletons should count as magical creatures or as really decomposed zombies.
Whiteshield.gif 52 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 50 Initiative +50%
Topiarychi.gif Nicesword.gif 250 This monster is a Plant topiary chihuahua herd
  • These things never really caught on as purse dogs because they require the rest of your purse to be filled with dirt.
  • In places where purses are ordinarily filled with dirt, dogs are typically considered food and not pets.
  • If the only thing that stops you from eating dogs is the fact that you're a vegetarian, these things might be your chance to finally give it a try!
Whiteshield.gif 250 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 250 Initiative +150%
Topiaryduck.gif Nicesword.gif 300 This monster is a Plant topiary duck
  • Ducks are the most common topiary animal, even though nobody actually ever sculpts one on purpose.
  • The ubiquity of these creatures are the reason many people refer to all bushes as "duckweed."
  • Outside of a topiary duck, only four species of plant produce as much sap by volume. Inside of a topiary duck, it's too sticky to read.
Whiteshield.gif 300 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 300 Initiative +200%
Topiary.gif Nicesword.gif 235 This monster is a Plant topiary golem
  • Topiary golems should be trimmed every couple of weeks, or whenever they start looking shaggy.
  • You'd be rage-y too if you only had one knee and one elbow.
  • The topiary golem has a rough, scratchy outer cover on its trunk, but its teeth are made of leaves. So its bark is actually literally worse than its bite.
Whiteshield.gif 211 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 220 Initiative +80%
Topiarygopher.gif Nicesword.gif 200 This monster is a Plant topiary gopher
  • In Asia, they breed tiny versions of these called topiary pocket gophers.
  • You shouldn't actually keep them one your pocket, though. They'll gnaw a hole in it and then all of your change will fall out.
  • Things like this wouldn't happen to you if you had listened to your great grandfather and used a coin purse.
Whiteshield.gif 200 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 200 Initiative +100%
Topiarykiwi.gif Nicesword.gif 350 This monster is a Plant topiary kiwi
  • Topiary kiwis use their long wooden beaks to extract nutrients from the ground and blood from their prey.
  • Ordinary kiwis do that second part too, but we're not generally freaked out by it because their prey are gross bugs and crayfish and stuff.
  • One of the saddest facts of history is that Yakov Smirnov never got to fight one of these before he was crushed to death by a beer can.
Whiteshield.gif 350 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 350 Initiative +150%
Tree baobab.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Plant Tormented Baobab
  • Please don't repeat Bartimus's mistake --
    use caution whenever you're greasing your snake.
  • The town of Zagrunder has no industry
    But it's got a nice zoo and the buses are free.
  • The poisonous adder can't rise from its station
    It cannot subtract or do multiplication.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +50%
Orquette3.gif Nicesword.gif 48 This monster is an Orc totally trashed orquette
  • Orquettes are rarely seen by adventurers, due to the fact that the Mall interface precludes random encounters.
  • Most orquettes devote their skill points to the Cheerleading class, but will generally reclass to "Marketing" or "Communications" when they level up to become full-fledged Sorority Orcs.
  • Forty-seven percent of responding orquettes told our pollsters that their dream job was to be a "trophy wife".
Whiteshield.gif 54 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 90 Initiative +20%
Vib4.gif Nicesword.gif 350 This monster is a Construct towering construct
  • "CHAPAZEVE NOFUBECHO FULA " is "Vitality Augmentation Conduit," which is also the name of my new health spa.
  • El Vibrato's language uses a compound word-building structure with caseless syntax, plus lots of f's and z's to sound exotic.
  • Your El Vibrato name is FUGA HOGA CHO.
Whiteshield.gif 360 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 450 Initiative +20%
Vib4.gif Nicesword.gif 350 This monster is a Construct towering construct
  • The towering construct's clamp is capable of producing 10,000 pounds of pressure per square inch, or 30,000 kilometers per square hectare.
  • The towering construct's original instructions were to tidy up the El Vibrato labs. Yup, it's a robot maid.
  • The towering constructs of El Vibrato really just want to be loved. Nah, just kidding. They feel no love, only rage.
Whiteshield.gif 360 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 450 Initiative +20%
Toxbeast3.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Slime toxic beastie
  • No matter what anyone tells you or how much money they offer you: it isn't shampoo.
  • Nobody's sure what this stuff actually is, but they have determined that it makes a terrible ice cream topping.
  • I don't recommend bathing in this stuff to try and get a mutant power. I mean, it might happen, but there's no guarantee. Also, it might be a really terrible power, like being able to breathe frogs.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Animelf5.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is an Elf toy assembling animelf
  • Animelf plastic contains healthy (or unhealthy, rather) amounts of cadmium, asbestos, and lead.
  • The lead in animelf plastic makes their toys sweeter than regular Crimbo toys, which makes them popular with kids and less so with parents.
  • There's about an ounce of animelf sweat in every three pounds of animelf plastic. Salty!
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Crimonster1.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is Undead toy-making creature from the Gray Lagoon
  • Yes, the Creature has a goatee. It wears it to cover a weak chin.
  • The Creature's huge ears make it an excellent listener. So, y'know, if you want to just talk about this stuff, man, it's there for you. Just call.
  • Oddly enough, the Creature is a pretty lousy swimmer. That's probably because the Gray Lagoon is only three feet deep.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 55 Never wins initiative
Travisbelmont.gif Nicesword.gif 200 This monster is a Dude Travis %belmont%
  • Trevor doesn't talk all olde-timey like his descendant Steve, because Steve was just really into medieval reenactments and larping.
  • If you hadn't killed him, Trevor would've traded his leather shorts for thigh-high boots with his pants tucked into them, and a short-sleeved duster. So honestly, fashionwise it's for the best.
  • Susceptibility to stress-induced headaches is a weakness of draculas that you don't hear about very often, because it isn't very dramatic.
Whiteshield.gif 200 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 250 Initiative +250%
Travoltron.gif Nicesword.gif 240 This monster is a Construct Travoltron
  • None of Travoltron's limbs have telekinesis, because that isn't real.
  • The password to Travoltron's central computer core is, of course, 'swordfish'.
  • Something something 49 ladders?
Whiteshield.gif 180 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 500 Initiative +75%
Treadmill.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Construct treadmill
  • Treadmills are really boring unless you break the tedium by reading a book, listening to music, or dangling a carrot in front of you while you run.
  • If you're having trouble getting motivated, by a second treadmill and have a scary monster run on it behind you.
  • If you must use a treadmill, at least hook it into the electricity in your dwelling so it'll serve some useful purpose.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Limphippy1.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Hippy tree hugging hippy protestor
  • There is unrest in the forest, there is trouble with the trees!
  • Soap is, like, just an idea man.
  • Bamboo, oak, teak, mahogany, and douglas fir can be grown and harvested sustainably!
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +50%
Limphippy2.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Hippy tree loving hippy protestor
  • The word brunch is derived from the word branch, because it's nestled like the crotch of a tree between two meals.
  • Protest is the sincerest form of flattery.
  • Pine needles are nature's perfume.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +50%
Bb chef.gif Nicesword.gif 200 This monster is a Beast trendy bugbear chef
  • The last trend the chef tried was cooking without any carbs, refined sugar, oil, fat, meat, vegetables, or fruits. Dozens of bugbears died.
  • Bugbears with abnormally pointy heads are encouraged to become chefs, because those little white hats fit perfectly.
  • Typically a bugbear starts as a bugbear plongeur, then works up to bugbear sous-chef, and finally up to bugbear chef. They get to wear lots of cool hats along the way.
Whiteshield.gif 180 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 250 Initiative +50%
Triadwizard.gif Nicesword.gif 73 This monster is a Dude triad code wizard
  • These guys aren't very tough. They may be criminal wizards, but they're still nerds.
  • Another similarity between hackers and wizards is that neither tends to know very much about girls.
  • One difference between hackers and wizards is that hackers don't tend to accidentally set themselves on fire if they misplace a semicolon.
Whiteshield.gif 67 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 85 Initiative +50%
Tribalgoblin.gif Nicesword.gif 60 This monster is a Goblin tribal goblin
  • A lot of people think that the poison on a tribal goblin's dart comes from the skin of a toad. But it doesn't -- it comes from the skin of a frog. Learn the freaking difference, a lot of people!
  • The sexist culture of modern-day goblins is the result of a historical patriarchy whose origins predate even the earliest known tribes of goblins. And there is nothing funny about that.
  • The tribal goblin chief wears a tribal goblin ribbon, which he attaches to his vest via a tribal goblin ribbon buckle.
Whiteshield.gif 45 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 60 Initiative +60%
Trixiepixie.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Humanoid tricksy pixie
  • Tricksy pixies brush their teeth six times a day to prevent tooth decay.
  • Tricksy pixies occasionally get migraines from too much sugar, which they treat by drinking caffeinated, sugary soda.
  • Tricksy pixies have the same diet as a college-age gamer, but with less ramen.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 500 Never wins initiative
Triffid.gif Nicesword.gif 5 This monster is a Plant triffid
  • The triffid's poison also causes hallucinations and bizarre body sensations that are ... well, to be honest they're pretty neat.
  • Unlike most plants, triffids reproduce sexually. It's a process you really don't want to watch. Trust me.
  • Triffids get all of their energy from photosynthesis, so the only reason they're eating people is to be jerks.
Whiteshield.gif 4 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 6 Initiative +70%
Monahead.gif Nicesword.gif 20 This monster is Weird Trippy Floating Head
  • Some professional chemical enthusiasts believe the enigmatic smile means "I'm secretly a gender-swapped self-portrait."
  • Others maintain it's "I have grotty teeth and am self-conscious about showing them."
  • Still others insist it's "I just farted and it smells really bad."
Whiteshield.gif 18 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 20 Initiative +60%
Kasemhead.gif Nicesword.gif 20 This monster is Weird Trippy Floating Head
  • If you think the giant floating head is weird, just wait'll you see the talking dog.
  • If you think about it, it's kind of sad -- he doesn't have any feet to keep on the ground, or hands to reach for the stars with.
  • How does he comb his hair so neatly, without any hands?
Whiteshield.gif 18 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 20 Initiative +60%
Tarkinhead.gif Nicesword.gif 20 This monster is Weird Trippy Floating Head
  • This particular trippy floating head's title is Grand Moff. We're not sure if there are other ranks of Moff, or if that's just an insulting nickname.
  • This head can sometimes be seen peeking into banners at the top of forums, but only by the seriously deranged.
  • Usually hallucinations don't smell, but this one is definitely an exception.
Whiteshield.gif 18 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 20 Initiative +60%
Researcher.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude trivia researcher
  • Did you know that octopuses have better eyes than humans, and smarter brains than dogs?
  • Did you know that female ferrets can die of horniness?
  • Did you know that frogs throw up by turning their stomachs inside-out and wiping them off with their hands?
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +?%
Twins troll.gif Nicesword.gif 94 This monster is a Dude Troll Twins
  • The twins hid the fact that they were twins for a while -- each one took turns going out in public. They were probably setting up for some awesome magic trick that didn't ever happen.
  • The twins aren't just creepy maze-dwellers, though: they're also creepy singers, creepy actors, and creepy fashion designers.
  • These days, one twin is always goofy on Mountain Stream soda and the other one's addicted to powdered sugar. It's a cautionary tale.
Whiteshield.gif 82 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 98 Initiative +40%
Trophyfish.gif Nicesword.gif 5000 This monster is a Fish trophyfish
  • The trophyfish occasionally enters into symbiotic relationships with elderly wealthy fish, providing companionship until the older fish dies.
  • The trophyfish is much more highly sought after than its distant relative, the participantribbonfish.
  • The trophyfish is more powerful than the atrophyfish, which grows weaker as it ages.
Whiteshield.gif 4500 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 15000 Initiative +200%
Tsnake.gif Nicesword.gif 153 This monster is a Constellation Trouser Snake
  • A pair of trousers with only one leg is commonly referred to as a 'pant', or if you're British, a 'tube'.
  • Snake pants typically don't have pockets, because they don't have any hands to put things in them with.
  • How do pant-wearing snakes keep from accidentally slithering out of their pant? Simple: they wear suspenders. (Or if you're British, 'braces'.)
Whiteshield.gif 137 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +70%
Tumbleweed.gif Nicesword.gif 10 This monster is a Plant tumbleweed
  • Most tumbleweeds are made of mesquite. Mesquite provides a safe breeding ground for mosquitoes, which provide motive force for the weed when there is no wind.
  • The vast majority of tumbleweeds in Western films were played by the same tumbleweed actor. His name was Conway.
  • Nobody knows where Conway ended up. One day, during the filming of A Few Dollars More, he just blew away and never came back.
Whiteshield.gif 9 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 10 Never wins initiative
Turtlemech.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct turtle mech
  • Regular turtles have little satellite dishes too, they just retract them whenever anyone's looking.
  • Regular turtles do not have little wheels. Maybe they should! That seems much faster.
  • Much like regular turtles, turtle mechs make excellent soup.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Turtletrapper.gif Nicesword.gif 95 This monster is a Dude turtle trapper
  • A well-trained turtle trapper can gut and field dress a turtle in fewer than six hours!
  • A turtle trapper's favorite beverage is a concoction called a "Turtlecolada." I don't know what's in it, and I'd recommend not trying to find out.
  • A true turtle trapper knows 275 different uses for a turtle shell, and only 25 of those are "hat."
Whiteshield.gif 85 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 120 Initiative +50%
Twigberry.gif Nicesword.gif 152 This monster is a Constellation Twig and Berries
  • The two berries are frequently blueberries, much to the twig and berries' chagrin.
  • The twig is usually a little longer, I promise, it's just cold in the vacuum of space.
  • Astronomers debate whether the twiglet on top of the twig is actually part of the constellation, and whether it's funnier with or without it.
Whiteshield.gif 136 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +70%
Bigskeleton2.gif Nicesword.gif 30 This monster is Undead two skeleton invaders
  • Though one skeleton contains 132 bones, any two skeletons only have 263 between them. Skeletonologists have no idea why this is the case.
  • Why do two skeletons stay at home on a Friday night? Because they can't get dates, because they are skeletons.
  • Two skeletons once walked into a bar, and ordered two beers. The bartender asked if they also wanted two mops, and they said "No, we can share a mop."
Whiteshield.gif 30 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 30 Initiative +50%
Tex.gif Nicesword.gif 99999 This monster is a Beast Tyrannosaurus Tex
  • How does Tyrannosaurus Tex put on his hat with those tiny arms? Nobody knows the answer to this question.
  • Tyrannosaurus Tex's brain is about the size of a walnut! I guess not everything is bigger in Texas.
  • If you had a cereal bowl the size of Tyrannosaurus Tex's head, it would take you an entire year's worth of Saturday mornings to finish all that cereal!
Whiteshield.gif 89999 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 99999 Never wins initiative

Unobtainable

Wholekingdom.gif Nicesword.gif 1 This monster is a Construct The Whole Kingdom
  • And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack.
  • And you may find yourself in another part of the world.
  • And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile.
Whiteshield.gif 1 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 10000000 Initiative +Never Wins%

References