Monster Manuel (S)

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There are 257 creatures filed under S.

Monster Manuel Entries
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Elf saboteur.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is an Elf saboteur elf
  • These days, any kid with an internet connection can download the Saboteur's Cookbook and start calling himself a saboteur elf.
  • Saboteur elves know three ways to disrupt electrical power using only candy canes and licorice.
  • Any Saboteur elf worth his sugar can dismantle a meat engine in total darkness, replace the meat with sweetmeat, and reassemble it in under five minutes.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Ferret.gif Nicesword.gif 250 This monster is a Beast sabre-toothed ferret
  • Sabre-toothed ferrets evolved into modern ferrets over the years, as sabre-teeth went out of fashion. After a while, having huge teeth was the primordial equivalent of sporting a mullet: it decreased your mating options considerably.
  • Sabre-toothed ferrets have musk glands a dozen times stronger than modern ferrets. And if you've ever smelled a modern ferret, you know that's saying something.
  • Sabre-toothed ferrets were usually docile creatures, given they spent a lot of time in cavehippies' caves inhaling the smoke of their . . . uh . . . campfires.
Whiteshield.gif 198 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 200 Initiative +75%
Toothgoat.gif Nicesword.gif 68 This monster is a Beast sabre-toothed goat
  • It's hard to tell a sabre-toothed goat from a regular one unless you get up under the beard, and I wouldn't recommend doing that unless the goat is asleep or dead.
  • Sabre-toothed goats are exceptional climbers, but poor conversationalists.
  • Sabre-toothed goats don't actually eat tin cans, that's a myth. They use their teeth to open the cans, and then they eat what's inside.
Whiteshield.gif 61 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 50 Initiative +80%
Stkiwi.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Beast sabre-toothed kiwi
  • Sabre-toothed kiwis are sweeter than sabre-toothed limes in flavor, but not in disposition.
  • Sabre-toothed kiwi wool can be used to make incredibly itchy clothing.
  • Sabre-toothed kiwis were hunted to extinction in the Kingdom eons ago, in the days of Krakrox the Barbarian.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Biglime.gif Nicesword.gif 14 This monster is a Beast sabre-toothed lime
  • The sabre-toothed lime spends its days off at its second job as the Kingdom's most recognizable mascot.
  • The sabre-toothed lime contains enough juice to make a dozen pitchers of margaritas.
  • The sabre-toothed lime's teeth are serrated to allow it to more easily juice its prey.
Whiteshield.gif 12 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 8 Initiative +60%
Sadiator.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude Sadiator
  • Sadiators tend to drink a lot of fortified wine after bouts.
  • Sadiators actually do pretty well in the coliseum, since the other fighters feel sorry for them.
  • Sadiators have suffered from their sadness since they were young ladiators.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +30%
Safarijack.gif Nicesword.gif 115 This monster is a Dude Safari Jack, Small-Game Hunter
  • Safari Jack's prize possession is his collection of stuffed naked mole rats, each with a little tiny hand-sewn outfit on.
  • Safari Jack's taxidermist is a pixie; they're the only creatures small enough to stuff a shrew and make it look convincing.
  • Safari Jack's pith helmet is polished once a week by his goblin crew, using only the finest pith polish.
Whiteshield.gif 103 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +60%
Salamander.gif Nicesword.gif 3 This monster is a Beast salamander
  • Salamanders are what salami is made out of.
  • The singular form of salami is "salamus."
  • Salamanders secrete mucus from their entire bodies, much like politicians.
Whiteshield.gif 2 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 3 Never wins initiative
Salaminder.gif Nicesword.gif 200 This monster is a Beast salaminder
  • Contrary to popular belief, salaminders do not like fire, they only tolerate it. Salaminders prefer a cool, dry environment, like that of a deli counter.
  • When sleeping, families of salaminders hang from tree branches in orderly rows.
  • Salaminders have very few natural predators, because most animals hate having little bits of gristle stuck in their teeth.
Whiteshield.gif 200 This monster is Hot.  Hot is weak against Sleaze and Stench.
Hp1.gif 300 Initiative +100%
Salaryninja.gif Nicesword.gif 78 This monster is a Dude salaryninja
  • Ninjas are hard workers, but they keep taking the last cup of coffee without making a fresh pot.
  • Something something TPS reports.
  • The three holes targeted by the Three-Hole Punch are the mouth and both ears. Not whatever you were thinking with your filthy mind.
Whiteshield.gif 72 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 80 Initiative +60%
Pirate1.gif Nicesword.gif 61 This monster is a Pirate sassy pirate
  • All pirates are pretty sassy, so you know this guy must be a downright sass-master. Sassaholic. Sassecutioner. He's very sassy, is what I'm getting at. He's a downight Sassenach.
  • Sassy pirates tend not to take parrots as pets, because parrots are already pretty sassy, and one that has been trained to only say sassy things can easily become unbearable.
  • The sassiest pirate of them all was of course Sassbeard, who looted only the sassiest of merchant vessels, until he died in 1482 from that sassiest of diseases, sasscurvy.
Whiteshield.gif 54 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 51 Initiative +60%
Sausagegoblin.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Goblin sausage goblin
  • All goblins like sausages, so it isn't really clear why these goblins in particular are called "sausage goblins", even if they like them a lot. I like sandwiches a lot, but I wouldn't call myself a sandwich human.
  • Instead of skulking around all the time, they should just market their red-hot sausage fork technology. They could make a killing!
  • Gosh, I wonder who their mysterious boss is? Will we ever find out?
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Adv smooth1.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude Savage Beatnik
  • Beatniks are called that because they're pretty satisfying to beat up.
  • Beatniks favor miniature instruments like bongos and ukeleles because they're too lazy to carry around the full-size versions.
  • Beatniks only like polygons with lots of corners, like dodecagons. Boring people are called 'squares' instead of 'triangles' because the very thought of a triangle sends them into a screaming frenzy.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Clown.gif Nicesword.gif 19 This monster is a Horror scary clown
  • Unlike basically everything else, clowns get less scary if you remove all of their skin.
  • In the Times of Old, several clown colleges had campuses spread throughout Loathing. Every single one of them was burned down by an angry mob of villagers.
  • Most scary clowns have a soft spot on the backs of their heads, right between two of the spiky, bony plates that make up their horrible, horrible skulls.
Whiteshield.gif 17 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 15 Initiative +80%
Zompirate.gif Nicesword.gif 150 This monster is a Pirate scary pirate
  • The scary pirate isn't interested in pieces of eight, or petit fours, for that matter.
  • The scary pirate is harrrrible.
  • The scary pirate is likely to scare you out of your pants before he loots your booty.
Whiteshield.gif 135 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 200 Always wins initiative
Bb scav.gif Nicesword.gif 5 This monster is a Beast scavenger bugbear
  • Fusion reactors will run on any kind of trash, but chinese takeout boxes are the most efficient fuel.
  • Scavenger bugbears must scavenge twice their body weight in trash every day to keep the ship's reactors running.
  • Scavenger bugbears have evolved a membrane that closes off both of their nostrils. They smell terrible, and terribly.
Whiteshield.gif 4 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 5 Initiative +150%
Gummifish.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Fish school of gummi piranhas
  • Gummi piranha. What a wonderful phrase!
  • Gummi piranha. Ain't no passin' craze.
  • The singular form of "gummi piranha" is "gummus piranhus."
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Schoolofmany.gif Nicesword.gif 625 This monster is a Horror school of many
  • The school of many has never been accurately counted, because no one wants to be around them for long enough to do so.
  • The creatures in the school are about 90% teeth, and 10% malice.
  • The creatures in the school are omnivorous and ravenous. And ridiculous.
Whiteshield.gif 600 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 20000 Initiative +100%
Wizardfish.gif Nicesword.gif 300 This monster is a Fish school of wizardfish
  • The spell to turn someone's nose inside-out is rhinus inverto! Why there's a specific spell for that, I can't say.
  • The spell to make a baloney sandwich is constructum carneprocessado sandwichium!
  • The spell for creating new spells is bullcrappio fakelatinus!
Whiteshield.gif 270 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 400 Initiative +100%
Scimitarfish.gif Nicesword.gif 400 This monster is a Fish scimitarfish
  • The scimitarfish sharpens its beak on the shells of sea turtles, who really would prefer they didn't.
  • The scimitarfish is a distant relative of the rapierfish.
  • The scimitarfish is sometimes called a cutlassfish, but never a cuttlefish, because that's a different thing altogether.
Whiteshield.gif 292 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 550 Initiative +200%
Duckscorch.gif Nicesword.gif 170 This monster is a Beast scorched duck
  • Duck penises are shaped like (but cannot function as, I can't stress that enough) corkscrews.
  • In the Kingdom, when you're level 1 it's rabbit season, and when you're level 12 it's duck season.
  • A ducks quack actually does echo, but it can't wah-wah without an effects paddle.
Whiteshield.gif 156 This monster is Hot.  Hot is weak against Sleaze and Stench.
Hp1.gif 185 Initiative +50%
Spelunkscorp.gif Nicesword.gif 30 This monster is a Bug scorpion
  • Only one breed of scorpion is not a totally evil little bastard, and it's not this one.
  • Scorpions paralyze their victims with their horrifying barbed stingers, grab them with their horrifying clicking claws, and then consume them with their horrifying pulsating mouths. They are truly nature's worst thing.
  • You know what's worse than a scorpion? Nothing, actually. There is nothing worse.
Whiteshield.gif 30 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 30 Never wins initiative
Hunter4.gif Nicesword.gif 23 This monster is a Dude Scott the Miner
  • Never dig straight down. Seriously, just don't. Don't do it.
  • Despite being the hardest metal known the man, diamond is very brittle, and under normal circumstances a sword made of it would shatter the first time it was used. However, virtually nothing that happens to you is under normal circumstances.
  • Creepers, it has been determined through rigorous study and verification of experimental data, gonna creep.
Whiteshield.gif 22 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 30 Initiative +40%
Scoutseal.gif Nicesword.gif 30 This monster is a Demon scout seal
  • The leader of a flock of scout seals is known as Mark.
  • With the eyes in the backs of their heads, scout seals make excellent grade school teachers.
  • With their well known tendency to flay and eat the flesh of children, scout seals make terrible grade school teachers.
Whiteshield.gif 35 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 50 Initiative +300%
Screambat.gif Nicesword.gif 18 This monster is a Beast screambat
  • People wonder what screambats are so worked-up about, to cause them to scream all the time, but in actuality, they just do it for the hell of it.
  • Emperor Neil IV gave his wife a pet screambat for their fifteenth wedding anniversary. Its name was Howard.
  • A screambat's scream can be heard more than a mile away! Due to the time it takes sound to travel, by the time you hear the scream at that distance, the bat will probably have started screaming again!
Whiteshield.gif 16 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 15 Initiative +50%
Screwgolem.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Construct screw golem
  • The screw golem's fingers are made from those cross-cut deck screws that can screw through anything. Seriously, those things are awesome.
  • The screw golem still has standard screws instead of Philips screws, which is baffling. How do those crappy, non-centering, slip-off-and-stab-your-finger-with-the-screwdriver screws still exist?
  • The screw golem does his most dastardly work when he's with his partner, the pilot hole golem.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +40%
Seacow.gif Nicesword.gif 600 This monster is a Fish sea cow
  • The milk from a sea cow is saltier than the ocean itself.
  • Due to the pressure and saltiness of their environment, sea cow fillets are already jerky.
  • The sea cow's horns are made of cartilage and solely decorative.
Whiteshield.gif 675 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 900 Initiative +25%
Adv smooth4.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude Seannery the Conman
  • Seannery the Conman wears his socks inside out, because he'll be damned if he's gonna let some two-bit sock manufacturer tell him how to live his life.
  • Seannery the Conman was trained by British intelligence, but would rather have been a poet, so he could write poems about people after assassinating them.
  • Seannery's birth name is "Tommerary Connerman the Seanbean." You can see why he changed it.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Seacowboy.gif Nicesword.gif 750 This monster is a Fish sea cowboy
  • A long time ago, there was a sea cowboy whose name was Ted, but he's dead now.
  • Sea cowboys are sometimes called sea buckaroos, which is derived from the word "buckaroo" by adding the word "sea" before it.
  • The greatest threat to the sea cowboy lifestyle is the limited availability of coffee and beans at the bottom of the sea.
Whiteshield.gif 585 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 700 Initiative +50%
Secrobot.gif Nicesword.gif 72 This monster is a Construct security robot
  • Psychologists have experimented with insecurity robots, but results have been inconclusive.
  • The best part about robot security drones is, they work for peanut oil.
  • Obviously, these robots are not bound by Asimov's Laws. In fact, they probably crack jokes to each other about how many times they've broken them.
Whiteshield.gif 78 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 85 Initiative +40%
Securityslime.gif Nicesword.gif 160 This monster is a Slime security slime
  • Security slimes really are concerned for your safety. For example, if you could bring in your own bottle of water, you might accidentally drown yourself, which is much less likely to happen with a bottle bought from the concession stand at a 400% markup.
  • It's been repeatedly shown that the Security Slimes don't actually make anyone safer, but they're so politically entrenched it's doubtful they'll be gone any time soon. Plus, they're really sticky!
  • Many Security Slimes have taken the phrase "security theater" to heart, and have started putting on little plays for the people waiting in line at the checkpoints. In their revised Hamlet, Polonius gets killed with a pair of nail-clippers.
Whiteshield.gif 144 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 210 Initiative +75%
Crimbominer2.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is an Elf semi-autonomous drill unit
  • Semi-autonomous drill units are preferable to fully-autonomous drill units in several important ways, all of which become apparent when one is trying to kill you.
  • A group of soldiers once tried unsuccessfully to use one of these things as a drill sergeant, earning them the nickname "Big Holes In Them Company."
  • It is extremely difficult to get the operators of these things to participate in safety drills, mostly because of all of the dumb jokes they keep making about it.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Lich.gif Nicesword.gif 56 This monster is Undead senile lihc
  • The senile lihc spends most of its time tangled up in its own tentacles.
  • So lihcs are, apparently, floating skulls on top of a bunch of ectoplasmic tentacles? Help me out here. I never played D&D as a kid. My parents thought it was satanic.
  • I mean, lihcs are satanic, right? I don't know. Ask Satan the next time you're in Hey Deze for me.
Whiteshield.gif 51 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 50 Initiative +50%
Sadpoet.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude sensitive poet-type
  • The sensitive poet type has a huge "talent," if you know what I mean. If you don't, well, that's all I'm going to say.
  • Absinthe is actually not a potent hallucinogen, or a hallucinogen at all. It will get you rip-roaring drunk, though, and leave your mouth tasting like licorice and poop in equal proportions.
  • The sensitive poet type has the uncanny ability to write poems made of song lyrics that won't be written for a hundred years. He's screwed when copyright lawyers invent time travel.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +60%
Atm.gif Nicesword.gif 1 This monster is a Construct sentient ATM
  • The M in ATM stands for "ATM Machine Machine."
  • The predecessor to the ATM was the Automated Penn.
  • If you're tired of high fees at ATMs, why not give Compass Bank a try? Just give them a compass, and a year later you'll have 1.01 compasses! It's amazing!
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 1 Never wins initiative
Burnerman.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude serial arsonist
  • He gets surprisingly offended when people refer to cinnimon jawbreakers as "fireballs".
  • Most of these guys are caught because of suspicious grocery store clerks reporting guys who purchase entire cases of marshmallows.
  • something something extinguish the fire with milk
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +?%
Serialbus.gif Nicesword.gif 60 This monster is a Demon serialbus
  • No matter which way you try to plug the serialbus into something, the plug won't fit the first two tries.
  • The serialbus's appeal is universal, but his fame is only local.
  • Other rejected ideas for -bus demons were the schoolbus, the syllabus (or sillybus), and the octobus. This is how the magic happens.
Whiteshield.gif 54 This monster is Hot.  Hot is weak against Sleaze and Stench.
Hp1.gif 60 Initiative +50%
Grodseal.gif Nicesword.gif 175 This monster is a Horror Servant of Grodstank
  • Servants of Grodstank have lost their nostrils over centuries of evolution. They can still kind of taste the awful smell, though.
  • Servants of Grodstank take a bath every day, whether they need it or not. Unfortunately, the bath is in raw sewage.
  • People always talk about "raw sewage," as if cooked sewage would be all that much better, y'know?
Whiteshield.gif 157 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 200 Never wins initiative
Fireservant5.gif Nicesword.gif 100 This monster is a Demon Servant of Lord Flameface
  • His name is Bernie.
  • Yes, they all have the same name.
  • Except for Maurice.
Whiteshield.gif 100 This monster is Hot.  Hot is weak against Sleaze and Stench.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +50%
Fr dragon.gif Nicesword.gif 300 This monster is a Construct Sewage Treatment Dragon
  • LyleCo is well known for its partnerships with various municipal and civil service providers.
  • LyleCo's prices are extremely competitive, because one of LyleCo's most vaunted internal credos is "what regulation?"
  • Ironically, LyleCo does not process the sewage generated by LyleCo HQ. They outsource that to Lubbock, Texas.
Whiteshield.gif 300 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 300 Initiative +100%
Sewergator.gif Nicesword.gif 245 This monster is a Beast sewer gator
  • The difference between a sewer gator and crocodile is the shape of the jaw; crocodiles have a more pointed muzzle. And they make more pointed observations.
  • The difference between a sewer gator and the regular gator is the smell.
  • The sewer gator has few natural predators, especially since no one's interested in making a reeking handbag out of them.
Whiteshield.gif 225 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 300 Initiative +60%
Sewersnake.gif Nicesword.gif 2 This monster is a Beast sewer snake with a sewer snake in it
  • Sewers are the perfect environment for snakes, because sewers are horrible.
  • The reason rats are so good at navigating mazes is that their sewer ancestors got a lot of practice while they were trying to avoid these snakes.
  • Shifty, litigious lawyers are sometimes referred to as "suer snakes."
Whiteshield.gif 1 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 2 Never wins initiative
Sewertruck.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Construct sewer tanker
  • The sewer tanker is really gross, but it's a vast improvement over the open-bed pick-up trucks the Knolls use.
  • Sewer tanker drivers usually have no sense of smell (or of fashion, but that's not important right now).
  • Sewer tankers can generate their own biofuel. But they don't, because they're jerks.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 1 Never wins initiative
Sororghost1.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is Undead sexy sorority ghost
  • Sorority ghosts are composed of equal parts ectoplasm and flavored malt beverages.
  • Sorority ghost slime is the only known slime that can give you an STD.
  • We here at Asymmetric Publications recognize that many sorority sisters are not slutty, drunk, and dumb. It's just easier to make fun of those who are.
Whiteshield.gif 45 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +50%
Sororeton1.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is Undead sexy sorority skeleton
  • The biggest problem that most sorority girls have with their transition to skeletonhood is, where do you put the tramp stamp?
  • Sorority girls seem like they would make pretty good skeletons, but unfortunately, they don't know a single thing about sweet swords.
  • The two most obvious similarities between sorority girls and skeletons are their thinness, and the fakeness of their boobs. A less-obvious similarity is that they're both excellent tap-dancers.
Whiteshield.gif 45 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +50%
Sororpire3.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is Undead sexy sorority vampire
  • Sorority vampires are impervious to crucifixes, but vulnerable to large quantities of alcohol.
  • Sorority vampires are repelled by garlic, but only because they don't want to get, like, grody breath before kissing that super-hottie over there?
  • Sorority vampires sparkle in the sunlight. Just kidding; they actually explode in the sunlight. But the more of them believe the sparkling thing, the quicker they'll die out.
Whiteshield.gif 45 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +50%
Sororwolf1.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is a Dude sexy sorority werewolf
  • The howl of a sorority werewolf is easy to identify, due to the upward inflection at the end.
  • The manufacturer of a wolfsbane-based depilatory cream saw their stock prices explode with the advent of sorority werewolves, until they were discovered to have a licensing deal with the Necbromancer, and were shut down for unsavory business practices.
  • One thing many artists forget when drawing sexy werewolves, is that lady wolves have six (or was it eight?) breasts. One would think the opportunity to draw more boobs would be something they'd remember!
Whiteshield.gif 45 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +50%
Sororbie1.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is Undead sexy sorority zombie
  • Many sorority zombies are actually more intelligent than they were before being zombified.
  • Sorority zombies don't need brains to survive. They just enjoy the taste.
  • Many members of sororities are intelligent, well-rounded future contributors to society. But it isn't any fun to make fun of *them,* now, is it?
Whiteshield.gif 45 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +50%
Shadowseal.gif Nicesword.gif 175 This monster is a Horror shadow of Black Bubbles
  • The ancient unspeakable language of Black Bubbles is derived from modern-day Swedish. It's a complicated story.
  • Okay, I'll tell it. A Swedish time traveler accidentally traveled so far back in time that there was no Sweden anymore. Guess what was there instead?
  • That's right! It was the hellish, otherworldly domain of Black Bubbles! Bubbles happened to be in the market for both lunch and a new language, and the Swede provided both.
Whiteshield.gif 157 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 200 Never wins initiative
Pirate1.gif Nicesword.gif 67 This monster is a Pirate shady pirate
  • Honestly, pretty much all pirates are kind of shady.
  • The shadiest pirate of all was Captain Albinobeard, who couldn't go out in the sunlight without a big black umbrella. That's a different kind of shady, though.
  • Sometimes, when a pirate gets too shady, they cross the line into skeezy. This can be recognized by a constant leer, a tendancy to laugh at the wrong things, and making a lot of jokes about whose turn it is in the barrel.
Whiteshield.gif 60 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 57 Initiative +75%
Clown.gif Nicesword.gif 19 This monster is a Horror shaky clown
  • Like all clowns, the shaky clown entertains children and terrifies grown-ups.
  • The shaky clown is the only clown who makes balloon bottles of booze instead of animals.
  • The shaky clown's banana cream pies are actually banana daquiri cream pies, and are about 40 proof.
Whiteshield.gif 17 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 16 Initiative +80%
Sharona.gif Nicesword.gif 150 This monster is a Dude Sharona
  • Always wear eye protection when doing experiments with arcane forces, so you don't accidentally delete all your memories and emotions.
  • If I had a magical tattoo that let me throw myself through the air via magnetism... well, tbh I probably would've died in a terrible accident years ago.
  • What sort of monster would I have to kill to get a magical tattoo that would give me a sandwich whenever I wanted one?
Whiteshield.gif 150 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 250 Initiative +150%
Sheetghost.gif Nicesword.gif 79 This monster is Undead sheet ghost
  • Most modern ghosts eschew the traditional white sheet, but older ghosts insist that it's the only proper way for a ghost to dress.
  • Newer ghosts have been exploring other fabric possibilities, from sleeping bags all the way to duvet covers.
  • A good old-fashioned sheet ghost may not be the scariest, but it's the easiest costume for Halloween.
Whiteshield.gif 81 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 75 Initiative +50%
Piratem.gif Nicesword.gif 69 This monster is a Pirate shifty pirate
  • The first shifty pirate was named Shifty, though it was just a coincidence -- it was a family name.
  • Shifty pirates, ironically, can not pilot standard-transmission schooners.
  • If a pirate stays shifty for his entire life, he becomes a PIRATE>
Whiteshield.gif 62 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 59 Initiative +60%
Shopkeep.gif Nicesword.gif 60 This monster is a Dude shopkeeper
  • Some people believe that shopkeepers are actually the ghosts of spelunkers who died centuries ago in these caves.
  • Some people instead believe that shopkeepers keep those ghosts as pets.
  • The shocking truth is that those ghosts keep shopkeepers as pets.
Whiteshield.gif 60 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Never wins initiative
Shub-jigguwatt.gif Nicesword.gif 4000 This monster is a Horror Shub-Jigguwatt, Elder God of Violence
  • Shub-Jigguwatt weighs approximately two metric tons. Great Scott, that's heavy.
  • A pair of ancient heroes tried to defeat Shub-Jigguwatt with the power of love. One ended up weeping for the rest of his life, the other singing. What a curious thing.
  • Shub-Jigguwatt feeds off of violent acts, even ones committed against one's own self. So he can just smack himself in the face when he needs a little snack.
Whiteshield.gif 4000 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 10000 Always wins initiative
Tacoelf sign.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is an Elf sign-twirling Crimbo elf
  • Despite their name, Crimbo elves are rarely ever employed during Crimbo, as Uncle Crimbo always has some hare-brained scheme to replace them.
  • Crimbo elves are hard workers, as long as they have plenty of candy to eat and eggnog to drink.
  • When CrimboTown[sic] isn't visible, it's tucked in a festive pocket dimension, behind a door that's shaped like Uncle Crimbo's beer gut.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Mimescream.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is Weird silent scream
  • Nobody really took these things seriously until 1893, when Edvard Munch popularized the notion.
  • If you listen closely to a silent scream, you still can't hear it.
  • Some people ask what the difference is, really, between a silent whisper and a silent scream. Those people are smart-asses and shouldn't be tolerated.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Nhobo1.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is Weird simple hobo
  • Do modern hobos just ride around on the subway all day?
  • They probably don't stow away on planes. I mean, not if they're smart enough to know unpressurized baggage compartment = fatal unhappiness.
  • Their bindles are probably way more advanced too. With like nylon webbing and a cellphone pocket.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Caveelf4.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is an Elf sinew-stretching cave elf
  • I bet you never even stopped to wonder about the guy who invented that rubber band they put around the broccoli.
  • Other things this guy will eventually invent: sleeve garters, pre-tied bowties, and the famous rubber spider on an elastic string.
  • He'll eventually invent the bow, but it'll be decades after that before anyone invents the arrow.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 30 Never wins initiative
Sk8gnome.gif Nicesword.gif 75 This monster is a Humanoid sk8 gnome
  • The sk8 gnome can do a 720 Spastic Jellyfish, provided it has the moon gravity turned on.
  • Sk8ing is not a crime, but sk8 gnomes are still criminals.
  • The sk8 gnomes once did the half pipe one better and invented the 3/4th pipe. After several dozen fatalities, though, they quit using it.
Whiteshield.gif 67 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 65 Initiative +60%
Boardskate.gif Nicesword.gif 450 This monster is a Fish Skate Board member
  • The skate board's board is usually a piece of driftwood from a sunken ship.
  • The Skate Board meets on alternate Tuesdays, and their bowling league bowls the first Wednesday of every month.
  • The Skate Board has no official chairman, but they do pass around a talking stick to make sure everyone's opinion is heard.
Whiteshield.gif 450 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 750 Initiative +50%
Animrat.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Construct Skeezy the Jug Rat
  • To be honest, Skeezy the Rat was a pretty disgusting character even when the robot was brand new. In fact, his antics were the reason the cartoon was cancelled after only two episodes.
  • An actual rat couldn't play the jug, because their lips don't work that way. Also, they have too much self-respect.
  • Pooooooooot.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Catskel.gif Nicesword.gif 24 This monster is Undead skeletal cat
  • Okay, technically it's a skeleton cat, not a skeletal cat. A skeletal cat is just a really thin cat, not one that's only bones.
  • This is what a cat's tenth life looks like.
  • No one's sure why the skeletal cat's ears survived the decomposition process. Maybe those are actually horns.
Whiteshield.gif 8 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 23 Initiative +50%
Cowskeleton.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is Undead skeletal gunslinger
  • Not all skeletons in the old west are gunslingers, it's just that there's an outsized proportion of dead gunslingers.
  • Skeletons are great because they fit into every genre. They're everywhere!
  • Skeletons make good gunfighters because all the empty space makes them harder to hit.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +75%
Hamskel.gif Nicesword.gif 23 This monster is Undead skeletal hamster
  • The skeletal hamster runs on a wheel made of rodent bones.
  • Skeletal hamsters have an afterlife span of 1-2 years.
  • Hamsters don't make good pets for children, because they're smelly, messy, and overactive at night. And the hamsters don't like it.
Whiteshield.gif 7 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 22 Initiative +50%
Monkeyskel.gif Nicesword.gif 9 This monster is Undead skeletal monkey
  • Experiments have been done in training skeletal monkeys to be service animals for the elderly and handicapped, since they don't require feeding or cleaning up after. Naturally, this went hilariously poorly.
  • It's theorized that skeletal monkeys would be much easier to train if they could be bribed with bananas, but unfortunately science has yet to produce a banana skeleton.
  • Scientists have determined that a barrel full of these is less than 22% as fun as a barrel full of regular monkeys.
Whiteshield.gif 8 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 8 Initiative +300%
Crimonster6.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Beast skeletal reindeer
  • Besides being violent, they aren't useful for pulling a flying sleigh because their aerodynamics are all weird.
  • Reindeer (non-skeletal ones) can fly because their bones are hollow like birds.
  • Also like birds, reindeer are unable to fart.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 55 Never wins initiative
Steward.gif Nicesword.gif 168 This monster is Undead skeletal sommelier
  • 'Sommelier' is French for "guy who knows where we keep the corkscrew".
  • If a sommelier hands you a cork, it may be a veiled suggestion that you shut up about how much you think you know about wine.
  • The basic rule of thumb for wine is that you should drink red wine with red meat, white wine with poultry or fish, and green wine with salads.
Whiteshield.gif 142 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 162 Initiative +65%
Steward.gif Nicesword.gif 168 This monster is Undead skeletal sommelier
  • The sommelier can distinguish between chocolate notes and butterscotch tones in wine, which is pretty impressive since he no longer has a tongue.
  • The skeletal sommelier is an excellent vintage, with a bouquet of earth and grass, and strong notes of decaying flesh.
  • The skeletal sommelier used to be a portly old wine steward. Maybe he's so cranky now because his clothes don't fit properly anymore.
Whiteshield.gif 142 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 162 Initiative +65%
Spelunkskel.gif Nicesword.gif 40 This monster is Undead skeleton
  • If flesh is nature's concrete, then bones are nature's rebar.
  • A complete skeleton has 206 bones, and also costs 206 bones.
  • You could maybe get it for 153 if you're a good haggler.
Whiteshield.gif 40 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 40 Never wins initiative
Bigskeleton.gif Nicesword.gif 10 This monster is Undead skeleton invader
  • Because of the huge number of skeletons that Corman raised for his invasion, if you participated in the defense, it's statistically likely that at least one of the skeletons you killed was actually an ancestor of yours.
  • Isn't it interesting how all the bones on these skeletons are visible, unlike the typical Loathing skeletons? This is because Corman took pride in his work, and wanted you to really be aware of the fact that you were fighting a righteous skeleton army.
  • The sheer volume of broken and shattered bones left over from the skeleton invasion has had huge repercussions for the Kingdom's fertilizer and decorative scrimshaw industries.
Whiteshield.gif 9 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 10 Initiative +50%
Skeletonlord.gif Nicesword.gif 300 This monster is a Construct Skeleton Lord
  • If they had only been allowed to finish it, the Skeleton Lord would've been amazing.
  • Narrative wrote like 300 lines for him, each of which was meant to be a contextual response to a specific guest action. It would've been incredible.

And the tech! Top-of-the-line animatronics, full body haptics -- this could've been something really special, if it hadn't been for the soulless bean counters *at corporate.

Whiteshield.gif 300 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 200 Never wins initiative
Mopskeleton.gif Nicesword.gif 8 This monster is Undead skeleton with a mop
  • This skeleton's favorite type of beer is stout, which just compounds his tragedy.
  • The skeleton's mop has cleaned up so much beer that you have to be 21 just to hold it.
  • There are eight bones in a wrist.
Whiteshield.gif 7 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 7 Initiative +50%
Buttleton.gif Nicesword.gif 170 This monster is Undead Skelter Butleton, the Butler Skeleton
  • Butleton was a magically-animated skeleton even when Lord Spookyraven was alive. He was constructed by Lord Spookyraven after his last butler made off with the silverware and made out with his mistress.
  • Skelter Butleton can brew a cup of tea in 3.6 seconds.
  • Butleton also knows the eldritch art of tying a bow tie and having the ends come out even the first time, dammit.
Whiteshield.gif 153 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 180 Initiative +50%
Sketchyvan.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Construct sketchy van
  • All members of the Predator Guild are required to drive a sketchy van to scare off potential prey.
  • Drug dealers use sketchy vans to hide in plain sight: policemen of loathing avoid them, assuming they're just members of the Predator Guild.
  • Shifty drifters drive sketchy vans because they've murdered the driver, who was either a drug dealer or a member of the Predator Guild.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 1 Never wins initiative
Skinflute.gif Nicesword.gif 158 This monster is a Constellation Skinflute
  • The astronomers never explained how they knew the flute was made of animal hide, and nobody wanted to question them about it in detail.
  • The holes on the flute look pretty close together, but if you wanted to actually play it, your hands would need to be billions of miles long!
  • Flute music is popular in the Kingdom of Loathing because, while someone is playing a flute, he can't also be singing a song filled with groan-inducing double-entendres.
Whiteshield.gif 142 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +70%
Skeleton.gif Nicesword.gif 18 This monster is Undead skleleton
  • Skeletons are a favorite creations of necromancers because they don't dribble juices on your carpet like zombies, and are generally much cooler.
  • Everyone has a living animated skeleton inside their body! Even you! Can you feel it inside there? It's wearing your skin like a jumpsuit!
  • Skeletons are the best video game enemies, because they shatter dramatically, and sometimes you get a sweet sword.
Whiteshield.gif 16 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 10 Initiative +60%
Skullbat.gif Nicesword.gif 16 This monster is a Beast skullbat
  • The existence of a bat with a human skull instead of a body explains why most of Loathing's biologists go insane before completing their degree.
  • The skullbat dines exclusively on the skeletons of mosquitos.
  • The natural enemy of a skeletal bat is a jellicle cat. Fortunately, there aren't any in the Kingdom.
Whiteshield.gif 14 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 10 Initiative +60%
Skulldozer.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is Undead skulldozer
  • The skulldozer gets 18 kpt -- that's kilometers per tibia.
  • Although most newer model skulldozers use the femur instead, as it's more fuel-efficient and less polluting.
  • I mean, you try to make a catalytic converter out of bones. It's amazing they even built an internal-combustion engine out of 'em.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Skullery.gif Nicesword.gif 3 This monster is Undead skullery maid
  • Retired skullery maids often get jobs as medical school display skeletons -- you won't find a whiter, cleaner set of bones anywhere else.
  • Since basically everyone in Spookyraven manor is dead, how can there be any dirty dishes for the skullery maid to wash? In fact, she just washes the clean ones over and over, out of habit.
  • Dish soap is frequently lemon-scented because soldiers who received instant lemonade powder in their rations discovered it was better used for cleaning than for drinking, and thus the scent became associated with washing dishes. It's true, look it up.
Whiteshield.gif 3 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 4 Initiative +50%
Dvsleazebear1.gif Nicesword.gif 500 This monster is a Beast sleaze bugbear
  • The sleazy bugbear's favorite food is congealed gravy.
  • The sleazy bugbear's favorite place to relax and unwind is the bushes outside your house.
  • Sleazy bugbear's turn-offs include undercover cops, kids who don't want to help find a missing puppy, and mean people.
Whiteshield.gif 500 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 800 Initiative +25%
Dvsleazeghost2.gif Nicesword.gif 500 This monster is Undead sleaze ghost
  • Sleaze ghosts aren't bad, they just died that way.
  • Sometimes, all a man wants is the simple honesty of a sleazy ghost.
  • Sleaze ghosts won't respond to a seance. They only accept BOO-ty calls!
Whiteshield.gif 500 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 800 Initiative +25%
Slhobo6.gif Nicesword.gif 350 This monster is a Hobo Sleaze hobo
  • The sleaze hobo plays the flute; it's a special one made out of tanned animal hide. He calls it the "skin flute."
  • The sleaze hobo has a special waterproof pouch for storing fish. He calls it his "fish pocket."
  • If a sleaze hobo ever asks if you want to see his one-eyed weasel, say you'd rather not. That little bastard's got sharp claws and teeth.
Whiteshield.gif 315 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 500 Initiative +100%
Dvsleazeskel1.gif Nicesword.gif 500 This monster is Undead sleaze skeleton
  • The biggest problem sleazy skeletons have... okay, well, the second biggest problem they have, is that it's hard to tell if the skeleton you're hitting on is a chick or a dude.
  • Sleazy skeleton bones can be boiled down into a thin oily liquid that is sometimes used for lubrication. The skeletons are okay with this.
  • Since sleazy skeletons don't have collars to pop, they have to pop their shoulderblades.
Whiteshield.gif 500 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 1000 Initiative +25%
Dvsleazevamp3.gif Nicesword.gif 500 This monster is Undead sleaze vampire
  • Sleaze vampires know about fifty separate pick-up lines based around the word 'suck', and they will use every single one of them.
  • Sleaze vampires are all bisexual, because they figure it doubles their chances.
  • Sadly, most PUA jerks don't explode when you trick them into the sunlight.
Whiteshield.gif 500 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 800 Initiative +25%
Dvsleazewolf2.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Beast sleaze werewolf
  • Sleaze werewolves were usually pretty sketchy even before they got bitten.
  • Sleaze werewolves are less likely to howl at the moon, and more likely to howl outside someone's window while they're changing clothes with the curtains open.
  • Sleaze werewolves spend hours out of the day "grooming" themselves, but don't pretend you wouldn't do the same if you were flexible enough.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +25%
Dvsleazezom1.gif Nicesword.gif 500 This monster is Undead sleaze zombie
  • It's important to avoid slut-shaming while disapproving of the more destructive aspects of a sleazy zombie's behavior. Focus on "me" statements like, "when you lick me, I feel uncomfortable."
  • Sleazy zombies probably just didn't get enough attention from their zombie fathers.
  • Sleazy zombies will probably eat your brain, but they'll lick it all over first.
Whiteshield.gif 500 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 800 Initiative +25%
Kg sleepingguard.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Goblin sleeping Knob Goblin Guard
  • Knob Goblin guards are such notoriously deep sleepers, they are occasionally kidnapped by the managers of department stores and used as window-display mannequins.
  • The King of Cobb's Knob, as a reaction to the aforementioned department-store kidnappings, retaliated by stealing several mannequins to replace the missing guards. Nobody noticed the difference.
  • Knob Goblin guards absolutely cannot stand the taste of spider milk.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 1 Never wins initiative
Dwarf sleepy.gif Nicesword.gif 53 This monster is a Humanoid sleepy 7-Foot Dwarf
  • 7-foot Dwarfs sleep an average of 16 hours out of the day, with 4 hours of mining and 4 hours of whistling in between.
  • 7-foot Dwarfs dream in color, but live in black & white.
  • 7-foot Dwarfs get paid a percentage of their mining take instead of a salary. That's great until they spend a day hitting nothing but cave-ins, and get gravel dropped on them on payday.
Whiteshield.gif 47 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 40 Never wins initiative
Mar sleepy.gif Nicesword.gif 120 This monster is a Dude sleepy mariachi
  • The mariachi's shiny costume is traditional, dating back to when mariachis were used as cannon fodder in BorderTown's wars.
  • The Borderspeak term for meat is lana, or "wool."
  • The Borderspeak term for one's true love is mi media naranja, or "my other half of the orange." No, seriously.
Whiteshield.gif 108 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 110 Initiative +125%
Rudolph-the-Red.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Beast Sleepy, the Reindeer
  • He may not seem much of a fighter, but that's just because he's saving up his energy for when he really needs it.
  • He's like a sloth. Don't ever let a sloth punch you, you'll fly into next week.
  • Sleep is where he's a literal viking.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Lich.gif Nicesword.gif 59 This monster is Undead slick lihc
  • How does the slick lihc stay so slick? A combination of butter and pomade.
  • The slick lihc was quite the ladies' man in life, if what he says now is to be believed.
  • Paranormal psychologists have wondered whether a regular lihc can become a slick one through practice and positive reinforcement, but the experiment has yet to be tried.
Whiteshield.gif 54 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 50 Initiative +50%
Vwslime.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Slime slime blob
  • Living slimes can come in many different types, made out of many different substances. All of them are gross.
  • To be honest, living slimes aren't really that much grosser than regular slime, I guess. They just move around more. Nothing inherently gross about moving.
  • Wait, is a slug just a meatier slime?
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Noart.gif Nicesword.gif 100 This monster is a Slime Slime Tube monster
  • The Slime Tube is not intended as a giant double-entendre. Come on man, don't be gross.
  • If someone asks you a question while you're in the Slime Tube, be careful not to answer "I don't know."
  • The slimes in the Slime Tube are a genetic offshoot of your typical green slime monster, with the difference that they are more intelligent, but slightly less physically caustic. They are no less gross.
Whiteshield.gif 90 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 200 Initiative +50%
Wood sleaze.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct slippery elm house
  • Slippery elm trees are second only to boxwood trees as the most "heh heh" trees in the forest.
  • Slippery elm sap makes an excellent lubricant for camshafts and gearboxes alike--why are you snickering?
  • Slippery elm sap also makes a great pancake topping, if you're really disgusting.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Holglob.gif Nicesword.gif 24 This monster is a Slime slithering hollandaise glob
  • The slithering hollandaise glob was voted "Most Likely to Be Served on Eggs Benedict" in its graduating class.
  • There are 67 calories in a tablespoon of hollandaise sauce. Now you just need to find out how many tablespoons there are in each slithering glob.
  • Slithering hollandaise globs reproduce asexually, like you do everything else.
Whiteshield.gif 21 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 21 Initiative +40%
Slithering.gif Nicesword.gif 600 This monster is a Horror slithering thing
  • The slithering thing lives on a diet of barrrnacles and the tears of children.
  • The slithering thing's senses are based on vibration, so keep your electric toothbrush turned off while you're near one.
  • The slithering thing's original name was "the blind, slithering, creepy, disgusting thing," but it was shortened over time.
Whiteshield.gif 675 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 700 Initiative +50%
Ssd burger.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is Weird Sloppy Seconds Burger
  • Each bite of a Sloppy Seconds Burger takes about five seconds off of your life, and it doesn't matter whether those seconds are sloppy or neat.
  • Sloppy Seconds burger patties are sometimes made with meat! I mean, like, actual currency. Since the main currency of Spring Break Beach is Spring Break Bucks, it sometimes makes sense to do so, based on the exchange rate.
  • "Sloppy Seconds Burger buns are all-natural, provided you've been to the Yoga Mat Mines and seen them being mined out of the living earth."
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Ssd cocktail.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is Weird Sloppy Seconds Cocktail
  • Sloppy Seconds Cocktails have twice as many calories as the burgers.
  • Sloppy Seconds Cocktails are advertised as "for two or more people," but everyone knows that's just a legal dodge.
  • Sloppy Seconds Cocktails have enough alcohol in them to sterilize an entire hospital's worth of surgical instruments.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Ssd sundae.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is Weird Sloppy Seconds Sundae
  • Sloppy Seconds Desserts are actually the lowest-calorie items on the menu, but that's kind of like being the tallest jockey.
  • Sloppy Seconds Desserts have more tablespoons of sugar in them than does an entire five-pound bag of sugar.
  • Sloppy Seconds Desserts can cause a rare form of pancreatic disorder called "Instantaneous-Onset Diabetes."
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Eliot.gif Nicesword.gif 190 This monster is a Hippy Slow Talkin' Elliot
  • Slow Talkin' Elliot's little brother talks eight times as fast as a normal person, and does all the voice-overs for prescription medicine commercials.
  • The longest pause in Slow Talkin' Elliot's speech was a two-word sentence with a 23-hour pause in between the "Thank" and the "you."
  • Slow Talkin' Elliot used to be an auctioneer. Briefly.
Whiteshield.gif 171 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 200 Initiative +20%
Mimic2.gif Nicesword.gif 15 This monster is Weird small barrel mimic
  • Mimic eggs greatly resemble gold coins. When newly-hatched, the larva are flat and leathery, and look like lost wallets.
  • The largest mimic on record was a bank vault belonging to King Gerald IX. Weirdly, nobody ever noticed.
  • Besides treasure chests and barrels, mimics have also been discovered in the shape of crates, end-tables, trash cans, and toilets.
Whiteshield.gif 13 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 25 Initiative +90%
Sganimala11.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Beast small hostile animal
  • One of the greatest threats to civilization through all of galactic history has been inappropriate selection of pets. Like these things, for instance. These would make terrible pets.
  • That Star Trek episode about the tribbles is actually a galaxy-wide public service announcement disguised as entertainment.
  • You know what makes a good pet? A nice goldfish. Why don't we get you a nice goldfish instead, honey.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Pirate1.gif Nicesword.gif 65 This monster is a Pirate smarmy pirate
  • Smarmy pirates all have two good eyes. They just wear an eyepatch so every blink looks like a smarmy wink.
  • Smarmy pirates think working on a filthy pirate ship for a cup full of watered-down rum is just AWESOME, thanks. They can't IMAGINE anything else they'd rather be doing.
  • Smarmy pirates frequently get into fights on pirate ships by sauntering up to hook-handed pirates and saying, "hey, gimme ONE!"
Whiteshield.gif 58 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 55 Initiative +70%
Smartskel.gif Nicesword.gif 20 This monster is Undead Smart Skelton
  • The Smart Skelton has an IQ of 268, but is incredibly socially awkward.
  • A Smart Skelton recently proposed a Unified Bone Theory, but no one could hear the specifics over all the snickering.
  • The Smart Skelton has more brains in its pinky bone than most organisms have in their whole skeleton.
Whiteshield.gif 18 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 11 Initiative +60%
Smellothewisp.gif Nicesword.gif 28 This monster is an Elemental smell-o-the-wisp
  • Would it surprise you to learn that smell-o-the-wisps were invented at a wizard party where everyone was really drunk? It shouldn't!
  • Smell-o-the-wisps are closely related to taste-o-the-wisps, which in many ways are even more unpleasant.
  • If someone ever suggests that a smell-o-the-wisp just flew through the living room, be suspicious.
Whiteshield.gif 35 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 35 Initiative +50%
Smokemonster.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is Weird smoke monster
  • The smoke monster smokes a carton of cigarettes a day. It's amazing he has time for anything else.
  • The smoke monster tried e-cigarettes for a while, but "vapor monster" just doesn't have the same ring to it, y'know?
  • The smoke monster is 50% smoke, 40% guy, and 10% tumor.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Smoochman3.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude SMOOCH general
  • Despite his being a SMOOCH general, you shouldn't try to smooch him. You'll smear his makeup, and he hates that.
  • He may look dressed to kill, but I bet that makeup is hotter than hell.
  • In ancient Vietnamese mythology, the pandas were known to have x-ray vision and black hearts.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster is Hot.  Hot is weak against Sleaze and Stench.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Smoochman1.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude SMOOCH private
  • The SMOOCH Army puts a lot of its recruitment posters at the bottom of trash cans, inside gym lockers, and in toilet bowls.
  • Don't make the mistake of confusing these guys with that cabal of similarly-made-up clown worshippers. These guys have slightly less questionable taste in music.
  • The panda has a very lot of mysterious qualities.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster is Hot.  Hot is weak against Sleaze and Stench.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Smoochman2.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude SMOOCH sergeant
  • The ability to walk on impractically tall heels and look good in leather pants is a major requirement for advancement in the SMOOCH Army, regardless of gender.
  • SMOOCH Army boot camp focuses mainly on kick-based martial arts, leatherworking, and stilt-walking.
  • Did you know that pandas solved the Russian Hopscotch Mystery of 1942?
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster is Hot.  Hot is weak against Sleaze and Stench.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Adv smooth3.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude Smooth Criminal
  • Many ordinary criminals aspire to be Smooth ones, but a life of crime leaves the average participant too lumpy.
  • Smooth Criminals specialize in breaking into apartments, but they can also break into condos and town houses.
  • Smooth Criminals maintain their youthful appearance by sleeping in hyperbaric oxygen chambers and drinking the blood of virginal apes.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Scabie jazz.gif Nicesword.gif 95 This monster is a Bug smooth jazz scabie
  • The smooth jazz scabie once held a single note on a clarinet for over 15 minutes, proving there's something more boring than smooth jazz.
  • Smooth jazz scabies can play a marimba solo while providing delicate countermelodic notes on a tin whistle. Why they do so, no one can say.
  • Look, I don't have anything against smooth jazz, really, it's just a terrible waste of electric guitars and a drum kit.
Whiteshield.gif 85 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 140 Initiative +50%
Smutorc jacker.gif Nicesword.gif 69 This monster is an Orc smut orc jacker
  • A smut orc can jack three cords of wood a day, perhaps less if he's really jacked up from the previous day's work.
  • Smut orc jackers listen to New Jack Swing to pump them up for a hard day of jacking.
  • Proper jacking of lumber requires two smut orcs: one to "jack on," and the other to "jack out."
Whiteshield.gif 69 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 69 Initiative +50%
Smutorc nailer.gif Nicesword.gif 69 This monster is an Orc smut orc nailer
  • Smut orc nails have a finishing-nail head, designed to be pounded below the surface of the wood, for a seamless look once putty is applied.
  • Smut orcs themselves have broad, flat heads, designed to house just enough brain to let them keep breathing and building, but not enough so they can walk and chew gum at the same time.
  • For this reason, smut orc society never discovered chewing gum.
Whiteshield.gif 69 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 69 Initiative +50%
Smutorc pervert.gif Nicesword.gif 69 This monster is an Orc smut orc pervert
  • Smut orc perverts, while reviled by orc society, are fairly popular in the Knob Goblin Harem.
  • Smut orc perverts know dozens of innuendo-based jokes, including the one about doing you "innuendo, so the neighbors can watch."
  • Smut orc perverts, like punsmiths everywhere, are actually more intelligent than the rest of the smut orcs.
Whiteshield.gif 69 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 69 Initiative +50%
Smutorc layer.gif Nicesword.gif 69 This monster is an Orc smut orc pipelayer
  • Smut orc pipes are made out of wood, because everything the smut orcs make is made out of wood.
  • An accomplished smut orc pipelayer can place 300 meters of pipe per day, depending on trench depth.
  • Some pipelayers insist that the length of pipe laid in a day is a meaningless number without accounting for the diameter of the pipe, though.
Whiteshield.gif 69 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 69 Initiative +50%
Smutorc screwer.gif Nicesword.gif 69 This monster is an Orc smut orc screwer
  • Smut orc screwers have twenty-seven different tips for their screwdrivers, and even more tips about how to properly use them.
  • Smut orc screwers are the only orcs who know right from left, so they know which way is tighty and which way is loosey.
  • Smut orc screwers never need a pilot hole, a pilot light, or a pilot program; they just dive right in and screw.
Whiteshield.gif 69 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 69 Initiative +50%
Spelunksnake.gif Nicesword.gif 20 This monster is a Beast snake
  • A classic rhyme for determing whether a snake is dangerous goes "If it's red and thin and long, sing a 'this is venomous' song."
  • Another goes "If there are diamonds on its flat back, you're gonna need expensive antivenin stat, Jack."
  • Still another goes "If it's purple and the size of a county, there might have been something in those brownies."
Whiteshield.gif 20 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 20 Never wins initiative
Snakeglenn.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude Snake-Eyes Glenn
  • I probably should have mentioned Faro at some point, but nobody plays that anymore and you'd likely have had to look it up.
  • He isn't mean to his snakes, he likes them a lot. So there's that at least.
  • He doesn't have a lisp. Wouldn't it be really embarrassing for a guy who's into snakes to have a lisp?
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 1000 Always wins initiative
Snakeboss6.gif Nicesword.gif 160 This monster is a Beast Snakeleton
  • Snakeletons live on the skeletons of mice, swallowing them whole, then hissing in frustration as the mice drop through their open ribcages.
  • Snakeletons don't have any venom sacs, but their bite isn't terribly pleasant anyway.
  • Snakeleton is actually an adorable name for a pet snake, particularly if you put it in a bow tie and top hat.
Whiteshield.gif 160 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 175 Initiative +50%
Snapdragon.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Plant snapdragon
  • Snapdragons are actually the least dangerous subspecies in their... phylum? It's the crackle and popdragons you've really gotta watch out for.
  • Snapdragons hate it when you say "aww, snap!" after hitting them. This is one way in which snapdragons are similar to everyone.
  • If you tickle a snapdragon in just the right spot, you can get it to inhale sharply while breathing fire, thus burning its own gullet.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +50%
Rudolph-the-Red.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Beast Sneezy, the Reindeer
  • Besides peppermint, Sneezy is also allergic to elves, hay, Crimbo cheer, and himself.
  • He doesn't take his allergy medication because they're already got a guy called Sleepy. Sleepiness is Sleepy's thing, nobody dares to muscle in on that.
  • He is also allergic to antique Chinese porcelain, but that one never comes up. In fact, he doesn't even know.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Snowqueen.gif Nicesword.gif 107 This monster is an Elemental Snow Queen
  • The Snow Queen is from a country called Rhye, which is bound by seven seas.
  • Don't blame the Snow Queen for being so aggro. After all, she's Under Pressure.
  • I mean, given her druthers, she'd just ride her bicycle where she likes.
Whiteshield.gif 94 This monster is Cold.  Cold is weak against Hot and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 70 Initiative +60%
Adv cold1.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude Snowbrawler
  • There isn't any magic in that old silk hat he wears -- it's actually just a cheap hat from a costume shop.
  • The carrot nose of a Snowbrawler serves as both an intimidating accessory and a healthy snack.
  • Snowbrawlers can't actually see through those chunks of coal -- every time they hit what they're aiming for, it's a coincidence.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Sodium.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Construct sodium golem
  • The minimum physiological requirement for sodium is 500 milligrams a day. The sodium golem contains a couple hundred days' doses, or about as much as an average bag of tortilla chips.
  • Sodium golems regulate your blood pressure, by whispering "Shhhhh" when you're stressed out.
  • The chemical symbol for sodium is "Na." So when you beat a sodium golem, feel free to go, "Na na na na, hey hey hey, good bye."
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +40%
6 4a.gif Nicesword.gif 200 This monster is a Demon Somerset Lopez, Demon Mariachi
  • It's true that Somerset Lopez has never been seen without his hat, but few would expect that it was actually part of his head! Oh, unless that's just something that happened in his weird demon transformation? Okay, I guess that's more likely.
  • Honestly, even if Lopez had managed to do something to that old Accordion Thief shrine, it probably wouldn't have done anything. It's pretty likely that the Accordion Thieves just stole it from someone else.
  • Somerset Lopez's middle name is "Edwardo".
Whiteshield.gif 180 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 1000 Initiative +100%
6 1.gif Nicesword.gif 27 This monster is a Dude Somerset Lopez, Dread Mariachi
  • Somerset Lopez killed his first Accordion Thief when he was only twelve years old. (Lopez himself was nineteen.)
  • Wouldn't be super ironic and dramatic if Somerset Lopez's brother was actually an Accordion Thief? I mean, he isn't -- Lopez doesn't even have a brother -- but still!
  • Somerset Lopez's uncle Miguel invented the tomato soup burrito. You've probably never heard of it, because it isn't a very popular dish.
Whiteshield.gif 24 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 30 Initiative +60%
6 2.gif Nicesword.gif 170 This monster is a Dude Somerset Lopez, Dread Mariachi
  • Somerset Lopez prefers a rapidly-strummed A Minor chord for filling his opponents with lead.
  • The strings on Lopez's custom guitarrón are functional garrote wires. I mean, I guess so are *all* guitar strings. Never mind.
  • The best way to defeat Somerset Lopez is arrhythmic clapping to throw him off the beat. Hey, you're a natural!
Whiteshield.gif 153 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 220 Initiative +80%
6 3.gif Nicesword.gif 185 This monster is a Dude Somerset Lopez, Dread Mariachi
  • Lopez's father, Miguel Lopez, was a chef who became famous for his Spanish restyling of the classic French dish Eggs Benedict, into what he called "Huevos Lopez". Consequently, "Huevos" is Somerset Lopez's middle name.
  • Lopez received his first guitarrón at the age of eight. It had a large cork that fired out of the neck with a "¡POP!"
  • The war between the Mariachis and the Accordion Thieves has actually been going on since before the accordion was invented! At first, it was referred to as "the war between the Mariachis and those guys the Mariachis hate".
Whiteshield.gif 166 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 260 Initiative +90%
Sonofsailor.gif Nicesword.gif 350 This monster is a Dude son of a son of a sailor
  • The son of a son of a sailor prefers margaritas to the traditional straight rum. But no one calls him out on it because of his seafaring heritage.
  • The son of a son of a sailor has a pencil-thin mustache and chews Juicy Fruit bubblegum.
  • The son of a son of a sailor's great-grandfather was a haberdasher.
Whiteshield.gif 350 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 600 Initiative +50%
Warfratmd.gif Nicesword.gif 170 This monster is an Orc Sorority Nurse
  • The sorority nurse uses, like, a rubber hammer to test reflexes? Only she hits in the larynx instead of the knees?
  • Sorority upspeak is, like, a tonal language that alters the meaning of each subjugate clause?
  • Not all sorority nurses are naughty nurses, but none of them are nice.
Whiteshield.gif 157 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 200 Initiative +30%
Warfratcm.gif Nicesword.gif 185 This monster is an Orc Sorority Operator
  • Statistically speaking, it is likely that the radio waves from a sorority girl's telephone call are passing through your skull right at this very moment.
  • Now that sorority girls are using smartphones... well, I'm sure you can see where that joke is going.
  • If sorority operators continue to text-message at their current rate, we will hit peak texts in roughly four years. Telephone company scientists are desperately working on viable alternative texting methods, such as the telegram.
Whiteshield.gif 162 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 200 Initiative +80%
Tree hickory.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Plant Sorrowful Hickory
  • The hickory tree's from a genus called Carya,
    That's Latin for "nut," so please don't let it scare ya.
  • The hickory nut makes a good-flavored daquiri,
    Hickory daquiri, doc? Yes, exackerly!"
  • Hickory wood is quite heavy and dense,
    It's a lot like your mom in that way (no offense)!
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +50%
Sourceagent.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct Source Agent
  • Nobody knows what organization these Agents are Agents of. Well, one guy knows, but we don't talk about him and his stupid chair and his stupid beard and his stupid white suit.
  • A Source Agent's least favorite things are autonomy, disobedience, and electronic dance music.
  • All Source Agents are celibate. Because... of the crying.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Spacebeast3.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Beast space beast
  • These are the most huggable beasts in the galaxy. They will eviscerate you while you do so, but still!
  • Their claws are actually formed from compressed hair, like a rhinoceros's horn. Their legs, too! They are pretty much entirely hair.
  • The only part of them that isn't hair is the eyeball. Because come on. What kind of sense would that make?
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +50%
Spacemarine.gif Nicesword.gif 160 This monster is a Dude Space Marine
  • The Space Marines have a decent retirement plan and killer health insurance. The only downside is they consider having been chestbursted a pre-existing condition.
  • They also won't cover you if you currently have a facehugger attached to your face.
  • So your best bet is to get into your Primary Care Provider before you start poking the slimy mysterious giant eggs.
Whiteshield.gif 135 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 140 Initiative +40%
Aboo trek.gif Nicesword.gif 160 This monster is Undead Space Tourist Explorer Ghost
  • The Space Tours chronicles are remarkably internally consistent, except for a major rewrite at the end that diverges into parallel universes.
  • The Space Tours chronicles feature a lot of exotic alien life, though usually they all look like people with a latex prosthesis glued on somewhere.
  • The mission of Space Tourists is to boldly go where no one has gone before, and then make it back without getting vaporized, exposed to cosmic rays, or assimilated into a hive mind.
Whiteshield.gif 135 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 140 Never wins initiative
3 4a.gif Nicesword.gif 200 This monster is a Demon Spaghetti Demon
  • In the Spaghetti Elemental's defense, the Pastamancers haven't exactly treated his species with much respect over the years. Still, he's being a huge dick about it, huh?
  • Spaghetti Elementals don't have names as such, but this one is known to other Spaghetti Elementals as "That guy who's gotten really obsessed about the whole Pastamancer deal".
  • Spaghetti Elementals aren't good for eating, because they tend to be tough and stringy, and will try to strangle you while you're doing it.
Whiteshield.gif 180 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 600 Initiative +100%
3 1.gif Nicesword.gif 27 This monster is an Elemental Spaghetti Elemental
  • Most types of pasta have an elemental form, except for elbow macaroni.
  • Most pasta elementals are pretty reasonable about their relationship with Pastamancers. Nobody really knows what this particular Spaghetti Elemental's problem is.
  • Spaghetti elementals are occasionally seen with meatballs attached, but they usually reserve that for formal occasions.
Whiteshield.gif 24 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 30 Initiative +60%
3 2.gif Nicesword.gif 170 This monster is an Elemental Spaghetti Elemental
  • If you throw the Spaghetti Elemental at the wall and it sticks, that means it's done.
  • The Spaghetti Elemental should probably have added a little olive oil to its pot so it didn't stick into a big mass like that.
  • The Spaghetti Elemental is al dente all the way through.
Whiteshield.gif 153 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 220 Initiative +80%
3 3.gif Nicesword.gif 185 This monster is an Elemental Spaghetti Elemental
  • A Napoleon is a French pastry that consists of layers of puff pastry alternated with layers of cream and/or jam. Just in case you didn't get the pun there.
  • The Spaghetti Elemental doesn't have many hobbies (other than hating Pastamancers), but it is an anime fan.
  • The Spaghetti Elemental tends to get frustrated when its cultists start asking about pirates and beer volcanoes. What the hell are they talking about?
Whiteshield.gif 166 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 260 Initiative +90%
Spamwitch.gif Nicesword.gif 85 This monster is a Dude Spam Witch
  • Despite their claims, there has not been a single documented case of a spam witch actually being a deposed Nigerian princess.
  • Never open a present given to you by a spam witch -- many terrible diseases are transmitted that way. (See also: disease-in-the-box)
  • On no account should you ever reply to a spam witch's incessant chattering -- even to tell her to shut up. This is how they know you're listening.
Whiteshield.gif 76 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 75 Initiative +70%
Sgspantdrone.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Bug Spant drone
  • Spant society is very disciplined. The drones know their place in the hive, and if they refuse to accept it, they are offered a generous severance package.
  • By this, I mean that their various body parts are severed and packaged up for consumption by other drones.
  • Spant drones never refuse to accept their place in the hive. Not after they tasted what happened to Terry.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Sgspantwarrior.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Bug Spant soldier
  • Spant soldiers are responsible for protecting the hive, and they believe that the best defense is a good offense.
  • Well, it's generous to say that they believe anything. The Spant Queen believes that, so the soldiers believe it.
  • The Spant Queen also believes that all planets are flat, even though she has literally seen them from space.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Crimbot1.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Construct sparking Crimbot
  • Electricity is basically the same as steam, only faster and sharper.
  • Electricity is made of electrons, which are neutrons that got bored of being so neutral all the time.
  • Electricity is what robots use for blood -- it carries nutrients and data from the robot's digestive system to all the other parts of its body.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Pa spatula.gif Nicesword.gif 8 This monster is Weird Spatula of Despair
  • The plural of spatula is 'spatulae,' Or at least it should be.
  • The best spatulae for your meat are made with a solid piece of silicone over the handle and the flat part, so they don't come off the handle.
  • Spatulae are named for Count Spatula, a vampire who was also a dedicated chef and baker.
Whiteshield.gif 12 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 12 Initiative +50%
Wretchedseal.gif Nicesword.gif 10 This monster is a Horror Spawn of Wally
  • The Spawn of Wally is really more to be pitied than feared, but mostly it's to be avoided at all costs.
  • The Spawn of Wally all send Wally a card every "Entity Whose Misery Made Flesh Is Me" day.
  • The Spawn of Wally's saliva is black, corrosive, and really sour. It's sometimes harvested to make candy that Knob Goblin kids dare each other to eat.
Whiteshield.gif 10 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 15 Never wins initiative
Hunter11.gif Nicesword.gif 121 This monster is a Dude Special Agent Wallace Burke Corrigan
  • A huge breakthrough on Burke's recent case was when he discovered that the "sinner's sandwich" -- turkey, strawberry jam, and cereal -- is in fact surprisingly delicious.
  • Burke once captured a criminal who was killing co-eds and using their skulls as cereal bowls and chamber-pots. This sickened Burke, because the guy didn't wash the bowls between uses, and that's incredibly unhygenic.
  • The 'Zach' that Burke keeps talking to is actually his other personality. Yes, he's insane.
Whiteshield.gif 123 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 140 Initiative +110%
Jellyfish.gif Nicesword.gif 70 This monster is a Beast Spectral Jellyfish
  • It actually doesn't help at all to pee on a jellyfish sting. That was a rumor started by a dude with a really specific fetish.
  • Although if your problem is, "this jellyfish sting isn't hilarious enough to the people watching my crappy buddy comedy," then go for the peeing.
  • Some jellyfish have a sting that is instantly deadly. Not bad for a floating mass of snot with delusions of grandeur.
Whiteshield.gif 63 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 60 Initiative +60%
Spelastronaut.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude spelunking astronaut
  • The astronaut's airgun is capable of delivering 200 psi worth of pain.
  • It can also inflate tires and sports balls, if you have the proper adapter.
  • Most of the time, though, he just uses it for exploding dragons and powerwashing his house.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Spelunkspider.gif Nicesword.gif 20 This monster is a Bug spider
  • A popular spider valentine card reads "I only have eight eyes for you."
  • Another reads "You've caught me in your web, which isn't supposed to happen, because I'm supposed to know where the non-sticky strands are."
  • Yet another says "You can't spell LETHAL VENOM without LOVE."
Whiteshield.gif 20 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 20 Never wins initiative
Topi1.gif Nicesword.gif 85 This monster is a Beast spider (duck?) topiary animal
  • The berries on the topiary animals are poisonous, and the animals tend to be very annoyed when they're picked.
  • Topiary's a lost art these days. You just don't see it done anymore. It's all about letting the bush develop its own natural shape and gently nurturing it. Back in my day, we showed those shrubs we meant business.
  • The topiary on Twin Peak were magically animated by the malevolent forces within the hotel at the top, rather than the traditional "brought to life by crazy wizard" way.
Whiteshield.gif 80 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 90 Initiative +50%
Gourd spider.gif Nicesword.gif 22 This monster is a Bug spider conspirator
  • The recruitment of spiders into secret societies is usually due to an over-literal interpretation of the phrase "web of intrigue".
  • Spiders don't do CSI jokes, because dealing with four pairs of sunglasses ruins the comic timing.
  • Unlike most arthropods, spiders have no extensor muscles in their limbs and instead extend them by hydraulic pressure. Thanks, Wikipedia!
Whiteshield.gif 18 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 25 Initiative +50%
Gremlinspider.gif Nicesword.gif 172 This monster is a Humanoid spider gremlin
  • Spider gremlins can shoot webbing, but only because they've invented some kind of miracle polymer and an improbable mechanical device to shoot it.
  • Junkyard owners used to keep spider gremlins around to keep the flies down, but found that spider gremlins like a nice dinner of junkyard owner rather than a bunch of flies.
  • Just three drops of spider gremlin venom can kill a grown man. But one drop of spider gremlin venom will get you totally wicked awesome high, so choose your own risk level.
Whiteshield.gif 151 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 170 Initiative +60%
Gremlinspider.gif Nicesword.gif 172 This monster is a Humanoid spider gremlin
  • The spider DNA in the gremlin is from a Minnesotan Barking Spider. Trust me, the bite is worse.
  • If you feed a spider gremlin after midnight, it's less likely to eat a big breakfast.
  • If you douse a spider gremlin in water, it probably won't do much to help the smell.
Whiteshield.gif 151 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 170 Initiative +60%
Fr spiderqueen.gif Nicesword.gif 600 This monster is a Dude Spider Queen
  • The spider queen is totally going to do the stupid dishes, she just has a lot of homework. Stop hassling her!
  • You don't understand the spider queen, and you don't even want to understand her. It's so unfair!
  • The spider queen thinks it's total bullcrap that you won't let her move in with Jeremy. They're totally in love, which you would understand if you weren't so old and boring.
Whiteshield.gif 100 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 300 Initiative +200%
Spelunkspiderq.gif Nicesword.gif 40 This monster is a Bug spider queen
  • The lineage of spider royal families is made extremely difficult to trace by the fact that spiders lay thousands of eggs.
  • Spider queens only wear crowns if they happen to have killed somebody wearing a crown.
  • It is very difficult for spiders to kill people wearing crowns, because people wearing crowns usually employ non-crowned people to protect them from giant spiders.
Whiteshield.gif 40 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 40 Never wins initiative
Gourd spidergob.gif Nicesword.gif 32 This monster is a Horror spider-goblin conspirator
  • If you're wondering "genetic modification, or grafts?" the answer is sort of both. I'm not at liberty to explain further.
  • The great majority of spider-goblin combat training consists of trust exercises and "getting-to-know-you" sessions.
  • Seriously, how rad would it be if FBI agents carried black government-issue halberds? Pretty goddamned rad, is what I'm thinking.
Whiteshield.gif 26 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 35 Initiative +50%
Spiderhut.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is a Construct spider-legged witch's hut
  • Houses with legs are prominent in folklore about witches. The most unfortunate was the lady whose house had penguin feet--no one took her seriously, what with all the waddling.
  • The witch also experimented with a spider that was built on a house foundation, but that wasn't as effective.
  • Spider witches occasionally have webs that are built on human legs. I mean, I assume they do, given the Theory of Narrative Symmetry.
Whiteshield.gif 50 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 50 Initiative +50%
Bb spider.gif Nicesword.gif 55 This monster is a Beast spiderbugbear
  • Spiderbugbear silk is made of nanopolymers and is proportionally stronger than braided steel cable. It also breathes like Egyptian cotton.
  • Most male spiders get killed during mating. That's why spiderbugbears, possessed of superior bugbear intellect, stay celibate.
  • A spiderbugbear bite isn't poisonous, but it's usually very, very large.
Whiteshield.gif 49 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 50 Initiative +75%
Cowspider.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Demon spidercow
  • Why a spidercow? Look, a regular cow skeleton would be pretty rad sure, but a double-skeleton is obviously like rad-squared.
  • Spidercows are not literally related to spiders, and don't spin webs. And thank god for that.
  • I would like to see a marionette of one of these.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +50%
Spikeskel.gif Nicesword.gif 53 This monster is Undead spiny skelelton
  • Spiny skeleltons make excellent coat racks, if you can get them to stand still.
  • If you need some extra holes punched in a leather belt, a spiny skelelton could definitely get the job done! Just make sure you take the belt off first.
  • The bony spikes make it virtually impossible for spiny skeleltons to safely give hugs. Since they're mindless undead automatons, that's not really a problem, but what if they weren't? How sad would that be?
Whiteshield.gif 48 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 50 Initiative +50%
Spiritbug.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is Undead spirit bedbug
  • The only thing that can kill spirit bedbugs for good is to focus all of your mental energy on imagining a temperature above 125 degrees Fahrenheit. It helps if you don't have to mentally convert from Celsius.
  • Spirit bedbugs can be thwarted temporarily by coating the legs of your dream bed with the Vaseline of Forgotten Memories.
  • Spirit bedbugs and spirit fleas are similar in construction, but spirit fleas live on a dreaming dog's unconditional devotion to its pack leader or human master.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +?%
Spiritfaucet.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is Undead spirit faucet
  • The spirit faucet's water is neither hard nor soft, but kind of ethereal.
  • It is whispered in ancient myths that the spirit faucet was left running after the creator of the universe washed his hands of the whole thing.
  • The spirit faucet is forever replenished by a stream of living water, provided no one contaminates the living aquifer with pesticides or fracking or whatever.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +?%
Newwave.gif Nicesword.gif 27 This monster is Undead Spirit of New Wave
  • The Spirit of New Wave doesn't drink and doesn't smoke. So what does he do? Scientists speculate that it must be something inside.
  • The Spirit of New Wave is so fine, he's so fine he blows my mind.
  • The Spirit of New Wave wants candy, doesn't like Mondays, and really wants to hurt you.
Whiteshield.gif 24 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 30 Initiative +60%
5 2.gif Nicesword.gif 170 This monster is Undead Spirit of New Wave
  • The Spirit of New Rave believes in PLUR: Pain, Lacerations, Ulcerating Sores, and Respect.
  • The Spirit's latest album is nothing but the high-pitched whine you hear after listening to loud music. He calls it "cutting out the middleman."
  • The Spirit's headphones have to be extra-light to sit on top of his non-corporeal head.
Whiteshield.gif 153 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 220 Initiative +80%
5 3.gif Nicesword.gif 185 This monster is Undead Spirit of New Wave
  • Never ask the Spirit to 'pon de replay if you want to keep your internal organs internal.
  • Even if you think you have a deal with the Spirit of New Wave, I wouldn't count on it.
  • Try not to stand directly beneath a dropping bass.
Whiteshield.gif 166 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 260 Initiative +90%
Spiritpea.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is Undead spirit pea
  • The spirit pea would probably be pretty good if it were cooked all mushy and served with some ham or something.
  • Bags of frozen spirit peas can cure a spiritual black eye.
  • If you fill a cloth bag full of dried spirit peas and heat it in the spirit microwave, it's a good heat compress for aches and pains.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +?%
Sponge2.gif Nicesword.gif 350 This monster is a Fish sponge
  • The sponge has no backbone and no brain. Just like *political party of your choice,* amirite?
  • The sponge's chief predator is the deadly Hard Water Stain.
  • Synthetic sponges are more absorbent than sea sponges, but what's better than cleaning your bathroom with a corpse?
Whiteshield.gif 405 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 1000 Initiative +50%
Dvspookybear2.gif Nicesword.gif 500 This monster is a Beast spooky bugbear
  • Spooky bugbears don't feed off of your fears. I mean, they enjoy your fears, but they live off grubs, nuts, and berries like all the other bugbears.
  • The spooky bugbear's favorite hobby is making statues that move when you're not looking at them.
  • Spooky bugbears like watching scary movies, but they call them "hilarious comedies."
Whiteshield.gif 500 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 800 Initiative +25%
Fr ghost.gif Nicesword.gif 130 This monster is a Dude spooky ghost
  • The classic bedsheet ghost became a thing because of the large number of wealthy, elderly Victorians who were smothered in their beds by their heirs.
  • Most ghosts are invisible, which explains all the special stage lighting. Otherwise you wouldn't be able to see it.
  • This ghost very wisely refused to have a flying harness like the forest faerie.
Whiteshield.gif 130 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +200%
Dvspookyghost2.gif Nicesword.gif 500 This monster is Undead spooky ghost
  • Spooky ghosts don't rattle chains, because that'd make it harder to sneak up on you.
  • Spooky ghosts occasionally employ orchestras to play a huge WHOMP! right as they pop out in front of you
  • Spooky ghosts aren't merely content to remind you of your own mortality; they're out to hasten it.
Whiteshield.gif 500 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 800 Initiative +25%
Sgguard.gif Nicesword.gif 55 This monster is a Plant spooky gravy fairy guard
  • Although spooky gravy fairies have wings (not pictured), they are not actually born with them. They steal them from dragonflies.
  • Spooky gravy fairies use their resemblance to spooky mushrooms as a natural camoflauge; consequently, they are often eaten by wild pigs.
  • Nobody knows why spooky mushrooms look like skulls -- it is probably just one of those weird coincidences. Like how squirrels taste just like grapes.
Whiteshield.gif 49 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 45 Initiative +60%
Sgninja.gif Nicesword.gif 65 This monster is a Plant spooky gravy fairy ninja
  • Spooky Gravy Fairy Ninja chopsticks are so small, you can use them as toothpicks!
  • There are four Spooky Gravy Fairy Ninjas: Shakespeare leads, Donne does machines. Chaucer's cool but crude, Marlowe is a party dude.
  • If you dishonor a Spooky Gravy Fairy Samurai, he commits suicide. Dishonoring a Spooky Gravy Fairy Ninja just pisses him off.
Whiteshield.gif 58 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 55 Initiative +100%
Sgwarlock.gif Nicesword.gif 60 This monster is a Plant spooky gravy fairy warlock
  • Gravy fairy warlocks can turn cats into teacups, and teacups into mice, and mice into cats.
  • Gravy fairy warlocks can't create food or money, because that would make it hard to have a poor kid who gets picked on by rich snobs.
  • Gravy fairy warlocks can see about thirty seconds into the future, so if you see one running for the door, you should try and keep up.
Whiteshield.gif 54 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 50 Initiative +60%
Spookyhobo7.gif Nicesword.gif 350 This monster is a Hobo Spooky hobo
  • "Which came first: the spooky hobo, or the ghost train?" is widely considered not to be one of life's great unanswered questions.
  • Since hoboes are so scruffy anyway, it can sometimes be difficult to tell the living ones from the undead. Here's a tip: if a hobo is chewing on your skull, it is probably the undead sort.
  • Undead hoboes are much less likely to steal a pie from your windowsill, unless it's a brain pie, in which case what the hell is wrong with you?
Whiteshield.gif 315 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 500 Initiative +100%
Mummy.gif Nicesword.gif 4 This monster is Undead spooky mummy
  • Mummies have had their brains pulled out of their noses with a sharp pointed stick. That explains why they're not the peppiest or smartest of monsters.
  • Mummies have their internal organs taken out and stored in jars, then their abdominal cavity stuffed with flowers. That explains why they're not in the best of moods.
  • Mummies can summon swarms of flesh-eating beetles and flesh-scouring sandstorms. But you can still mock them because their knees don't bend all the way.
Whiteshield.gif 3 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 3 Initiative +50%
Musicbox.gif Nicesword.gif 79 This monster is a Construct spooky music box
  • When the spooky music box tries to play a song that's already spooky, it ends up sounding relentlessly cheerful instead.
  • The spooky music box runs on clockwork and the tears of children.
  • If you stare long enough at the spinning figurine inside, you'll notice it has your face. Then you'll notice you're missing your face.
Whiteshield.gif 81 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 80 Initiative +25%
Dvspookyskel3.gif Nicesword.gif 500 This monster is Undead spooky skeleton
  • Skeletons are pretty spooky just by default, especially if you stop and think about how you've got one inside you right now. Just sitting in there, nestled between your skin and your guts, grinning all the time.
  • Some skeletons communicate by clacking their teeth in morse code. Mostly what they say is "TEETH TEETH TEETH".
  • Little kid skeletons are creepier than regular-size skeletons, but that's just because little kid anything is creepier than regular-size anything.
Whiteshield.gif 500 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 1000 Initiative +25%
Vampire.gif Nicesword.gif 3 This monster is Undead spooky vampire
  • The spooky vampire does not sparkle. When exposed to sunlight, he has the decency to self-combust.
  • The spooky vampire can sometimes be a sexy vampire, depending on his level of grooming and how hard-up you are.
  • Garlic cannot repel the spooky vampire, but it does give him hives.
Whiteshield.gif 3 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 2 Initiative +50%
Dvspookyvamp3.gif Nicesword.gif 500 This monster is Undead spooky vampire
  • Vampires, as a general rule, aren't very scary any more. They're like the monster version of a high-school vice principal that tries to act cool and relate to the kids.
  • The glittery pretty-boy vampires didn't help matters, certainly -- but honestly, vampires haven't been scary since Eddie Munster's grandpa.
  • I guess if you count those Japanese vampires that are women whose heads come off and fly around with their guts dangling underneath, those are kind of scary. But regular Draculas, nah.
Whiteshield.gif 500 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 800 Initiative +25%
Dvspookywolf3.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Beast spooky werewolf
  • Spooky werewolves aren't quite as redundant as spooky ghosts, but they're a close second.
  • Actually, the really spooky part of werewolves is about midway through the transformation, where their face still looks human but is all stretched out and weird.
  • Spooky werewolves have a long-running rivalry with cold werewolves about who gets to cause goosebumps and shivers down people's spines.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +25%
Dvspookyzom3.gif Nicesword.gif 500 This monster is Undead spooky zombie
  • Spooky zombies aren't redundant; I mean, most zombies are just shambling, rotting cannon fodder.
  • Spooky zombies are more interested in terrifying you than eating you, but they're okay with eating you as an afterthought.
  • Spooky zombies are a little more articulate than regular zombies. They can do an earthy chuckle and a creepy whisper in addition to moaning "brrraaaains."
Whiteshield.gif 500 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 800 Initiative +25%
Manor2.gif Nicesword.gif 80 This monster is a Construct Spookyraven Manor
  • Spookyraven Manor's architecht designed it to look ancient and decrepit even when it was brand-new. Special fast-working spiders had to be specially imported to make all the webs.
  • There's a rumor that Spookyraven Manor was built on the site of an ancient burial mound, but this isn't true. Lord Spookyraven had no need for outside contractors.
  • Many zoning board officials have attempted to have the Manor condemned and torn down over the years, but all them vanished mysteriously and were never found. Well, one of them was found. Bits of him, anyway.
Whiteshield.gif 72 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 120 Initiative +20%
Sporto.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude sporto
  • The sporto could eat you for breakfast. But she doesn't. She has some protein powder and raw eggs blended together.
  • The sporto is no less feminine because she is strong and capable. She's a little less feminine because of her five o'clock shadow, though.
  • The sporto has led her team to victory all season long, which is impressive because she has no idea how lacrosse is played (just like most people).
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +60%
Princess.gif Nicesword.gif 90 This monster is a Dude Spunky Princess
  • While spunky princesses won't take guff from anybody, they will always accept a gift of cotton candy. They love cotton candy.
  • There has only been one spunky princess in history to not have a strained relationship with her father. This is because she, for reasons I can't get into right now, did not have a father.
  • Spunky princesses invariably make disappointing lovers. This is one of the reasons Protagonists brood so much.
Whiteshield.gif 81 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 75 Initiative +90%
Steamelemental.gif Nicesword.gif 160 This monster is an Elemental steam elemental
  • Steam elementals can be useful, but are also a giant pain in the neck.
  • Steam elementals are being phased out in favor of internal combustion elementals.
  • Steam elementals often rebel when they're young and go through a steampunk phase.
Whiteshield.gif 137 This monster is Hot.  Hot is weak against Sleaze and Stench.
Hp1.gif 140 Initiative +75%
Straw hot.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct steaming straw house
  • Look, if you're going to make a straw house, don't make the chimney and the fireplace out of straw, too.
  • People who live in straw houses shouldn't throw fire. Or breathe fire. Or strike matches, even.
  • Flaming-hot pigs are a real chore to fight, but man do they smell delicious.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster is Hot.  Hot is weak against Sleaze and Stench.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Giant steampunk.gif Nicesword.gif 145 This monster is a Humanoid Steampunk Giant
  • You can make fun of steampunks for embracing an anachronistic style with few hard-and-fast rules and seemingly arbitrary defining elements, but you can't deny that stuff looks awesome.
  • Steampunks love anything made out of wood and copper and powered by clockwork or steam. Weirdly, most of their clocks are powered by steam and their steam irons run on clockwork.
  • The first steampunk was just a regular punk who ran out of safety pins and started gluing gears onto his jacket instead.
Whiteshield.gif 135 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +40%
2 4a.gif Nicesword.gif 200 This monster is a Demon Stella, the Demonic Turtle Poacher
  • Stella brews her own beer, a pilsner she calls Stella Tortois.
  • Stella can disassemble and clean a turtle in five minutes flat in total darkness.
  • In college, Stella was a hipster who wore tortoiseshell glasses with no lenses.
Whiteshield.gif 180 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 1000 Initiative +100%
2 1.gif Nicesword.gif 27 This monster is a Dude Stella, the Turtle Poacher
  • Whether you're sliced by her shell-slicing ax or poked with her skin-poking fork, getting attacked by Stella is no fun.
  • Stella's demeanor is best described as "crisp."
  • Stella's favorite turtle is the snapping turtle, as she admires its ability to come up with witty retorts.
Whiteshield.gif 24 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 30 Initiative +60%
2 2.gif Nicesword.gif 170 This monster is a Dude Stella, the Turtle Poacher
  • Stella used to pan-fry turtles, but poaching them makes them more tender.
  • Stella has violated turtle-hunting laws in every county in the Kingdom. You have your commemorative Kingdom map with the counties marked on it, right?
  • Stella began her nefarious career by hunting slugs, then snails, then small turtles.
Whiteshield.gif 153 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 220 Initiative +80%
2 3.gif Nicesword.gif 185 This monster is a Dude Stella, the Turtle Poacher
  • Stella's tiny pitchfork and scythe are more symbolic of her office than useful in her trade.
  • Stella waxes and sharpens her pigtails into lethal weapons.
  • Stella is the only poacher in the world to have poached a legendary crate turtle (like a box turtle, but wooden), which she then ate with some soft-boiled eggs.
Whiteshield.gif 166 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 260 Initiative +90%
Dvstenchbear1.gif Nicesword.gif 500 This monster is a Beast stench bugbear
  • Stench bugbears delight in all things awful, and all things offal, which they frequently roll in to maintain their stench.
  • Rebellious teen stench bugbears wear as many as twenty air fresheners around their necks.
  • Stench bugbears subsist on a diet of garlic, rotting meat, Limburger cheese, and the occasional dead skunk.
Whiteshield.gif 500 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 800 Initiative +25%
Dvstenchghost2.gif Nicesword.gif 500 This monster is Undead stench ghost
  • Stench ghosts usually died in outhouses, or slaughterhouses, or really messy regular houses.
  • Stench ghosts have no noses, so they can't smell how truly awfully they reek. Good for them.
  • Stench ghosts are responsible for "stench spots" in a room, the same way cold ghosts make cold spots. Or at least that's what you can claim when the dog isn't around to take the blame.
Whiteshield.gif 500 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 800 Initiative +25%
Stenchhobo8.gif Nicesword.gif 350 This monster is a Hobo Stench hobo
  • When fighting the stench hobo, always remember that smell is a particulate.
  • It won't help to rub Mick's Icyvapohotness rub under your nose before fighting the stench hobo. You can still kinda taste the way he smells.
  • The stench hobo actually regularly douses himself in expensive perfume, but it's like spitting in the ocean.
Whiteshield.gif 315 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 500 Initiative +100%
Dvstenchskel1.gif Nicesword.gif 500 This monster is Undead stench skeleton
  • Limburger cheese is actually just moistened and compressed stench skeleton.
  • Some people are just born with really stinky skeletons, and smell terrible no matter how much they wash. Poor guys.
  • Some stench skeletons have developed symbiotic relationships with ghosts, because skeletons can't fart, but ghosts can.
Whiteshield.gif 500 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 1000 Initiative +25%
Dvstenchvamp2.gif Nicesword.gif 500 This monster is Undead stench vampire
  • Not all stench vampires got that way over centuries. Some of them were just smelly jerks to begin with.
  • It's surprising how many stench vampires smell like garlic. Sometimes the smell their armpits makes just happens to smell similar to garlic, by pure coincidence.
  • If you'd lived as long as most vampires, honestly, you would probably stop caring so much about what you smelled like too.
Whiteshield.gif 500 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 800 Initiative +25%
Dvstenchwolf2.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Beast stench werewolf
  • Stench werewolves do brush their teeth, they just use skunk spray instead of toothpaste.
  • Stench werewolves have perfectly working noses, so they smell horrible but not horribly. I mean, they smell well, they just don't smell good.
  • Stench werewolves eat their own vomit and waste, roll around in foul-smelling roadkill, and smell worse when they get wet. Huh. Maybe every dog I've ever met is a stench werewolf in disguise.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +25%
Dvstenchzom1.gif Nicesword.gif 500 This monster is Undead stench zombie
  • Stench zombies smell even worse than normal zombies, even though normal zombies are made of rotting flesh and never shower.
  • Stench zombies like to let a brain rot in its skull for a week or two before eating it.
  • Stench zombies are known to roll around in filth like dogs, but they lack the dog's charming personality that excuses such behavior.
Whiteshield.gif 500 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 800 Initiative +25%
Steven.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is Undead Stephen Spookyraven
  • One of the key ingredients in Stephen's chemical formula was that gross jelly that comes out of a can of vienna sausages.
  • Crumbles is actually Stephen's middle name, but that's a total coincidence. He never even noticed.
  • Stephen's new body has six hearts, all from different animals. His heartbeat is a really danceable polyrhythm.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +100%
Stevebelmont.gif Nicesword.gif 40 This monster is a Dude Steve %belmont%
  • You wouldn't think a whip would be particularly effective against vampires, but... well, I don't really have an explanation.
  • If you didn't want him to throw holy water at you, you shouldn't've hidden it in your candelabras.
  • You can tell he's from the Dark Ages by his willingness to eat chicken he found inside a wall.
Whiteshield.gif 40 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 50 Initiative +100%
Stickymummy.gif Nicesword.gif 35 This monster is Undead sticky mummy
  • Sticky mummies are perpetually in a bad mood because of all the lint they accumulate.
  • Sticky mummies won't curse you with an ancient egyptian curse, but they might cover you in spider webs.
  • Sticky mummies are my least favorite kind of British candy.
Whiteshield.gif 34 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 34 Never wins initiative
Disco stiff.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Construct stiff disco dancer
  • Despite what disco self-help authors would have you believe, basic disco dancing is so easy that even a machine could do it.
  • Not that a machine would. I mean, not that this awkward dancer is a machine or anything, I mean ha ha ha can you imagine?
  • Okay, you got me. It's a robot.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Crimonster4.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is Undead stocking-stuffing zombie
  • If you guessed 'brains', you're wrong. Zombies aren't that smart. It's like the experiment where you tell a 2-year-old they can have a second marshmallow if they don't eat the first one.
  • In fact they fill the stockings with the empty skulls of people whose brains they've already eaten.
  • A hollowed-out skull would probably make a really fancy cereal bowl, if you plugged up the holes.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 55 Never wins initiative
Stomper.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct stomper stomping
  • Can you imagine how muscular his legs must be? If he wasn't illustrated as a stick figure, his legs would be crazy muscly.
  • It's kind of hard to make out from the small picture, but I think those are fully-functional ATMs on the sides of his boots.
  • Someday he's gonna get his boots upgraded with the little wheels in the heels, and on that day, look out world.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Stone pirate.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct stone temple pirate
  • The stone temple pirates have earrings so they can see better, and cheek piercings so they can taste better. Er, are better at tasting things themselves, not better-tasting.
  • None can say who carved the stone temple pirates, but our bet is on whomever built that crazy El Vibrato stuff.
  • The poison on the pirates' darts is distilled from the skins of some very unlucky frogs.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Stormcow.gif Nicesword.gif 160 This monster is a Beast storm cow
  • Lightning milk is self-pasteurizing.
  • Storm cow hide can be tanned into electric leather.
  • Storm cow horns are often harvested and made into Jacob's Ladders by Loathing scientists.
Whiteshield.gif 160 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 240 Initiative +160%
Strangler.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct strangler strangling
  • The little targets on his hands are actually his weak points. You could have beaten him really easily, if you had a hookshot.
  • This guy was the Crimborg's thumb-wrestling champion six years running.
  • I recommend neither hihg-fiving nor fist-bomping this guy.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Algae.gif Nicesword.gif 400 This monster is a Plant stranglin' algae
  • Algae blooms are responsible for the "red tide," which makes water dangerous to swim in, and is also a euphemism for menstruation.
  • Algae is not responsible for menstruation, though. Sorry if that wasn't clear.
  • Scientists are currently genetically engineering algae to eat waste products like plastic and oil. I'm sure that will end well.
Whiteshield.gif 405 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 600 Initiative +100%
Crimboelf.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is an Elf Striking Factory-Worker Elf
  • Wait, he doesn't get Crimbo day off? Isn't it a little late to still be working crunch time by then?
  • I guess they have to start working on next year's presents. Dang, no wonder these guys are striking.
  • On the bright side, they'll get plenty of time off once all their jobs are replaced with robots.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Crimboelf.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is an Elf Striking Gift-Wrapper Elf
  • Here is the prime secret of wrapping presents so they don't look like crap: a hard wooden table. Don't even try to wrap presents on carpet, or god forbid on your bed.
  • The second trick is to fold the ragged scissor-cut paper edges in, so the seams are nice straight creases instead.
  • That is basically all the present-wrapping advice I can give, because I still haven't figured out how to make the ends look good.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Crimboelf.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is an Elf Striking Middle-Management Elf
  • Sorry, you only get one joke for this guy, because I had to fill the form out in triplicate.
  • Sorry, you only get one joke for this guy, because I had to fill the form out in triplicate.
  • Sorry, you only get one joke for this guy, because I had to fill the form out in triplicate.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Crimboelf.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is an Elf Striking Pencil-Pusher Elf
  • Look, those pencils aren't gonna push themselves.
  • Seriously, if you keep distracting this guy, then pencils might not get pushed.
  • Do I really have to explain to you why it's so important to the company to make sure the pushing of pencils is properly coordinated and performed?
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Crimboelf.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is an Elf Striking Stocking-Stuffer Elf
  • He just hasn't been the same since his best friend, who also worked the stocking-stuffer line, fell into a stocking and was never seen again.
  • Sometimes he wonders what happened to Bernie. Did he end up with a nice family, and have wacky sitcom-style adventures?
  • Or, more likely, was he mistaken for a tiny burglar and beaten to death with a broom?
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Moosehead.gif Nicesword.gif 86 This monster is a Beast stuffed moose head
  • My sister was once bitten by a moose.
  • Moose bites can be pretty nasty.
  • Unless it's a chocolate moose, which are delicious.
Whiteshield.gif 79 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 80 Never wins initiative
Stuffgolem.gif Nicesword.gif 1 This monster is a Construct Stuffing Golem
  • Some stuffing golems have raisins in them, an evolutionary development to keep people from eating them.
  • There are approximately 5,000 calories in every stuffing golem.
  • The difference between a stuffing golem and a drummer is that a stuffing golem can feed a family of four.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 1 Initiative +100%
Congoerf2.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude stumbling-drunk congoer (female)
  • The game 1000 Blank White Cards is kind of like Nomic, except also the opposite of that.
  • The game 1000 Blank White Cards is kind of like poker, except you're betting fun.
  • The game 1000 Blank White Cards is kind of like Jenga, except with ideas.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Congoer2.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude stumbling-drunk congoer (male)
  • Ask him if he has any adorable pictures of his cat on his phone; you won't be disappointed.
  • Later he will turn out to be someone you see in chat all the time, and the two of you will have a good laugh.
  • Fortunately, since this is just the video game version, nobody actually has to clean up all that spilled beer.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Kg madsci.gif Nicesword.gif 1 This monster is a Goblin Sub-Assistant Knob Mad Scientist
  • Sub-Assistant Mad Scientists are not permitted to titrate without prior permission and close supervision.
  • Sub-Assistant Mad Scientists know three dozen hilarious things to do with a Bunsen burner! Most of them involve burning people. Okay, *all* of them.
  • To graduate to Assistant Mad Scientists, Sub-Assistants must either create new life or sew together two existing ones.
Whiteshield.gif 1 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 1 Initiative +60%
Paulblart.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude suburban security civilian
  • The Suburban Neighborhood Task Force has no real authority, but this kind of jerk can be a fascist douchebag with imagined authority just as easily.
  • The Suburban Neighborhood Task Force is made of volunteer concerned citizens who don't get to power trip at their real jobs.
  • The Suburban Neighborhood Task Force also keeps a lookout for kids out after an arbitrarily assigned "bedtime," and of course for suspicious minorities. Or, y'know, minorities.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Suckubus.gif Nicesword.gif 55 This monster is a Demon suckubus
  • Despite their name, only one of these demons has ever actually been witnessed sucking on a bus.
  • Never sleep with a suckubus, because she will drain your life energy and leave you a withered soulless husk. Also you'll probably get herpes.
  • The point on the end of a suckubus's tail is primarily used for gesturing, as in "Who's got a pointy tail and is desperate to get laid so that she can drain the soul energy of a hapless mortal?"
Whiteshield.gif 49 This monster is Hot.  Hot is weak against Sleaze and Stench.
Hp1.gif 55 Initiative +30%
Tree juniper.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Plant Suffering Juniper
  • The most favorite pie of the Sultan of Faddle
    Is rhubarb and cherries smooshed flat with a paddle.
  • The throne of the Sultan is heavy and iron,
    T'was made by the blacksmith's sons, Johnny and Myron.
  • The wrath of the Sultan was much to be dreaded,
    Lest you get a lecture, a scowl, and beheaded.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +50%
Colasoldier.gif Nicesword.gif 200 This monster is a Dude super-sized Cola Wars soldier
  • The super-sized Cola Wars soldier is a man out of time, struggling to adjust to the strange future he's in. And now that he's adjusted, they're going to send him back. What jerks.
  • Before he was abducted, the super-sized Cola Wars soldier wasn't even a tall drink of water, let alone a big gulp.
  • The soldier was augmented with steampunk technology, steroids, and near-lethal injections of caffeine and sugar.
Whiteshield.gif 200 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 150 Never wins initiative
Supervirus.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Horror superdupervirus
  • Few people know this, but the tomato isn't technically a vegetable -- it's a virus!
  • Few people know this, but that last factoid was 100% inaccurate.
  • I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote it. I must be coming down with something.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Gamblinman.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude surly gambler
  • Many gamblers started gambling professionally because they were spending all their money on fancy playing cards anyway.
  • Gambling is illegal in Wisconsin, Maine.
  • There is a card game called "Tramp" which is meant to be played while riding bicycles. It never became popular.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Witchy1.gif Nicesword.gif 36 This monster is a Dude surprised and annoyed witch
  • A moderately ticked-off witch won't sour milk, but she will turn it from 2% to skim.
  • Likewise she's not likely to steal your baby, but she will conjur up a lot of noise-making, battery-powered toys for it to play with.
  • After days of being harrassed by a ticked-off witch, most victims long to be simply turned into a frog.
Whiteshield.gif 32 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 32 Never wins initiative
Mar surprised.gif Nicesword.gif 130 This monster is a Dude surprised mariachi
  • In Borderspeak, "Surprise!" is "¡Sorpresa!" or the more colloquial "¡Caramba!"
  • Never throw a surprise party for a mariachi, unless you like getting punched in the face.
  • Mariachi Surprise is a traditional Bordertown dish made with tripe, meatballs, tortillas, and something called "huevos de toro."
Whiteshield.gif 117 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 125 Initiative +150%
Mc soy2.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is a Humanoid Susie Soyburger
  • Susie Soyburger is low in fat and high in fiber, but contains lethal levels of sodium.
  • Eating too much soy can boost your estrogen level. We recommend eating it with something that puts hair on your chest to balance it out.
  • The pickles in Susie Soyburger are locally-sourced, but are not cruelty free. You should watch the documentary "Cucumber Harvest" and educate yourself.
Whiteshield.gif 36 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 90 Initiative +50%
Mc soy1.gif Nicesword.gif 70 This monster is a Dude Susie Soyburger cast member
  • The Suzie Soyburger costume weighs 80 pounds and heats up to internal temperatures of 110 degrees. But hey, at least it teaches people to avoid animal cruelty!
  • If the Suzie Soyburger costume were real, it would have 4,500 calories, not a one of them delicious.
  • Turnover for Suzie Soyburger cast members is high, as are the cast members themselves.
Whiteshield.gif 54 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 110 Initiative +20%
Beav jack.gif Nicesword.gif 54 This monster is a Beast swamp beaver lumberjack
  • The Canadiaian beaver, Castor canadensis, is the primary source of castor oil, which is made from glands in their butts, and helps to keep their fur waterproof.
  • Beavers cannot actually see plaid; the scraps of lumberjack outfits they wear look blue to them.
  • Early explorers thought beavers were a sort of tiny, hairy Eskimo that built igloos out of sticks instead of snow. Early explorers were frequently kind of dumb.
Whiteshield.gif 48 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 50 Initiative +30%
Beav shaman.gif Nicesword.gif 52 This monster is a Beast swamp beaver shaman
  • This beaver is always half-submerged in the swamp, so he's always wet.
  • The swamp isn't the freshest water in the world, so he's kind of smelly, too.
  • But he's always exercising, so he stays loose but doesn't get sloppy.
Whiteshield.gif 46 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 46 Initiative +60%
Beav warrior.gif Nicesword.gif 28 This monster is a Beast swamp beaver warrior
  • Beavers have orange teeth. Oddly, they're supposed to be like that, not just because they never brush.
  • Contrary to cartoons, beavers do not actually eat trees. They gnaw wood into toothpicks, which they need a lot of because their diet actually consists mainly of jujubes.
  • Beavers are nature's carpenters, similar to how octopi are nature's plumbers and gophers are nature's blacksmiths.
Whiteshield.gif 35 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 40 Initiative +30%
Duckstinky.gif Nicesword.gif 169 This monster is a Beast swamp duck
  • On a stench scale of fresh apple pie to filthworm, the swamp duck comes in somewhere around "flatulent wet dog."
  • A more pleasant way to swamp a duck is to simply assign it more work than it can reasonably complete in its work week.
  • 90% of reports of UFOs are actually swamp ducks at dusk.
Whiteshield.gif 160 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 190 Initiative +50%
Swampentity.gif Nicesword.gif 20 This monster is an Elemental swamp entity
  • This swamp entity doesn't have the skeleton of a WWI German flying ace embedded in it. That's also a different comic. Much closer, though.
  • The swamp entity is largely made of crocodile warts, chopped-up zombie hearts, and shrimps creole.
  • Everything looks great in a zoot suit. Everything.
Whiteshield.gif 18 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 25 Initiative +30%
Swampgator.gif Nicesword.gif 36 This monster is a Beast swamp gator
  • Haters gonna hate, and gators gonna gate.
  • Swamp gators are smaller than lake gators, but bigger than pond gators.
  • The swamp gator's only natural predator is the Hornbilled Pursemaker.
Whiteshield.gif 32 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 32 Initiative +40%
Swamphag.gif Nicesword.gif 35 This monster is a Dude swamp hag
  • I wasn't being facetious when I referred to mother-in-law jokes as 'historical' -- they actually date back to the ancient Romans!
  • "Mother-in-law" is an anagram of "Woman Hitler".
  • If your mother-in-law is literally a witch, you probably shouldn't tell mother-in-law jokes around her. Hopefully you haven't had to learn that the hard way.
Whiteshield.gif 28 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 40 Initiative +30%
Fr swampmonster.gif Nicesword.gif 120 This monster is a Dude swamp monster
  • Swamp monsters do not make good butlers.
  • Swamp monsters are born when a hunk of swamp gets so fed up with the smell that it tries to run away. But you can't run away from yourself. This is the great tragedy of the swamp monster.
  • If you happen to create a swamp monster through the application of mad science, make sure your shack is stable and not held up with a solitary broomstick.
Whiteshield.gif 120 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +100%
Swampowl.gif Nicesword.gif 56 This monster is a Beast swamp owl
  • The world's biggest owl had a wingspan of over 28 feet across, and could kill small animals by screaming at them.
  • Baby owls are unreasonably cute. Seriously, like, what the hell is going on here cute.
  • Owls are grape-flavored.
Whiteshield.gif 48 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 46 Initiative +80%
Swampskunk.gif Nicesword.gif 68 This monster is a Beast swamp skunk
  • Skunks are not actually black cats that have waked underneath a freshly-painted fence -- in fact, they are more closely related to coatis, kinkajous, olingis, and cacomistles. So I guess they got off pretty light in the name department.
  • It is suspected that the name 'skunk' comes from an extinct native language, with the translation "urinating fox". So maybe they didn't get off all that light after all.
  • Skunks do not typically have French accents; that misconception has arisen through their associations with lumberjacks.
Whiteshield.gif 66 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 65 Initiative +50%
Fr troll.gif Nicesword.gif 150 This monster is a Construct swamp troll
  • It's really a pretty accurate troll. Real troll skin is in fact quite rubbery. They don't run on tracks though.
  • This troll can't eat, of course. But you still shouldn't feed him.
  • Look, just ignore him, he's just trying to get a rise out of you.
Whiteshield.gif 150 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 300 Never wins initiative
Swarmers.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct swarm a-swarming
  • What flavor is your candy ass? No don't answer that.
  • Honestly, little swords and flamethrowers kind of misses the point of a nanobot swarm. The crimborg were not all that much for imagination.
  • My favorite is the one with the little pizza-cutter.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Ralphbat.gif Nicesword.gif 20 This monster is a Beast Swarm of Country Bats
  • Once in a while, a country bat trades places with one of its city-dwelling cousins, and important lessons are learned by all.
  • Country bats are actually swarming around you pretty much everywhere and all of the time, it's just that you can't see them except in very specific chemical circumstances.
  • Country bats are never seen wearing little straw hats, but you might occasionally spot one with a stalk of wheat in its mouth.
Whiteshield.gif 18 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 20 Initiative +60%
Ants.gif Nicesword.gif 142 This monster is a Bug swarm of fire ants
  • Fire ants are not actually made of fire. They are made of molybdenum.
  • Some primitave tribes collect fire ants, crush them into a thick paste, and spread the paste on the walls of their huts as a defense against the ghosts of their enemies. It works surprisingly well!
  • Being a hive-minded creature, fire ants are highly susceptible to group-think, and consequently their internet forums hardly ever have any really interesting discussions going on.
Whiteshield.gif 119 This monster is Hot.  Hot is weak against Sleaze and Stench.
Hp1.gif 136 Initiative +60%
Fudgewasps.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Bug swarm of fudgewasps
  • Fudge wasps are usually around 85% pure cocoa, which explains why they're so bitter.
  • Fudge wasps secrete simple syrup to hold their modeling chocolate nests together.
  • Screw wasps. Seriously. Wasps are the worst.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +50%
Whelps1.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is Undead swarm of ghuol whelps
  • The life cycle of the ghuol whelp is as follows: egg, hatchling, whelpling, whelp, tween, adult.
  • Whelps normally only eat dead flesh, but if starved, they'll eat someone who just looks kind of tired.
  • A swarm of ghuol whelps seems to operate with a hivemind, making it several times smarter than a regular whelp. Still pretty dumb, though.
Whiteshield.gif 45 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +300%
Aswarm.gif Nicesword.gif 59 This monster is a Bug swarm of killer bees
  • The most dangerous type of killer bee is the "Africanized" killer bee, which is identifiable by its red, black, and green stripes.
  • You should not eat honey that was made by killer bees. It's not poisonous or anything, it just doesn't taste very good. Kinda gamey.
  • Killer bees can be put harmlessly to sleep with a combination of wood smoke and ether fumes.
Whiteshield.gif 53 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 75 Initiative +90%
Kg lice.gif Nicesword.gif 25 This monster is a Bug swarm of Knob lice
  • The singular form of "lice" is "louse," and the singular form of "mice" is "mouse." But the singular form of "dice" is not "douse." HOW IS THAT JUSTICE?
  • You can get rid of lice by combing your hair with a fine-toothed comb. Then you can use the comb to go over some documents to make sure you didn't miss anything.
  • Lice eggs attach to the root of hairs. They make lousy omelets.
Whiteshield.gif 22 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 30 Initiative +50%
Aswarm.gif Nicesword.gif 59 This monster is a Bug swarm of lowercase As
  • These hate you.
  • It should probably come as no surprise that the first letter of the alphabet is also one of the most aggressive.
  • Carefully-tended hives are often used as a backing drone in acapella choral productions.
Whiteshield.gif 53 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 75 Initiative +90%
Mutantants.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Bug swarm of mutant fire ants
  • Fire ant clergy are renowned for their fire ant friar rants.
  • Fire ant pilots wear fire ant flyer pants.
  • Fire ant marketing firms file for fire ant flier grants.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Beatles.gif Nicesword.gif 136 This monster is a Bug swarm of scarab beatles
  • There used to be a fifth beatle in this flock, but they kicked him out because he always smelled like dung.
  • Scarab beatles can live to be 64 years old, and even then, they only die because that's when people stop feeding them.
  • One out of every four beatles is actually undead -- you can tell by a series hidden backwards messages and clues hidden in liner notes.
Whiteshield.gif 117 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 131 Initiative +50%
Skullswarm.gif Nicesword.gif 2 This monster is Undead swarm of skulls
  • Swarms of skulls tend to kick out their wise-cracking members, and as such, they don't have much of a sense of humor.
  • You'd think the collective noun for skulls would be something scarier, like "a murder of skulls" or "a butchermunch of skulls," but skull linguists just aren't very imaginative.
  • The world's largest swarm of skulls is in the menagerie of Glen Danzig. He wanted them. He needed them.
Whiteshield.gif 1 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 2 Never wins initiative
Pirate1.gif Nicesword.gif 63 This monster is a Pirate swarthy pirate
  • The dark interior of pirate ships makes swarthy pirates harder to spot, thus providing a distinct evolutionary advantage to swart.
  • Swarthy pirates are very confusing to Canadian dermitologists who only speak in Pig Latin.
  • Swarthy pirates enjoy Hagar the Horrible comics, but hate Cathy, because absolutely everybody hates Cathy.
Whiteshield.gif 56 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 53 Initiative +65%
Poolmonster.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is an Elemental swimming pool monster
  • Yes, I am describing an actual swimming pool. I was there and I saw it. I cannot unsee it.
  • The only exaggeration in the description of this swimming pool water is the idea that it could move around under its own power.
  • I was going to make a bowl of delicious soup for dinner tonight, but after writing this I don't think that's going to be possible.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Swisshen.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct Swiss hen
  • Wait'll you see where it keeps the little plastic toothpick.
  • I guess I could make a Robot Chicken joke, but I never watched it. Something something action figures?
  • Traditionally, these have been used to automate the Swiss cheese-making process, which explains the holes.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Sylviabelgrande.gif Nicesword.gif 200 This monster is a Dude Sylvia Belgrande
  • It wasn't exactly a translation thing so much as a result of memory limitations, but explaining it would've bogged the conversation down.
  • Sylvia learned the powers of fire, ice, and lightning while training as a monk, which honestly is way more badass than the guys who just make beer.
  • The Belgrande family line lived on, and thousands of years in the future Sylvia's great-great-etc.-granddaughter married Benecio del Toro shortly before an earth-shattering apocalypse.
Whiteshield.gif 200 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 200 Initiative +250%

References