Monster Manuel (M)

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There are 144 creatures filed under M.

Monster Manuel Entries
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Other
Adv strong1.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude Macho Man
  • Due to high levels of testosterone, Macho Men often go prematurely bald and have to wear wigs with built-in bandanas.
  • 70% of a Macho Man's disposable income is spent on shirts bought to replace shirts they tore up on purpose.
  • Macho Men often spend so much money on replacement shirts that they can only afford to stay at the YMCA.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Madbugbear.gif Nicesword.gif 16 This monster is a Beast mad bugbears
  • Why are these bugbears angry? Well, they've got too many players for a game of bridge, for a start.
  • The collective noun for a group of bugbears is a 'peeve'.
  • It is unknown why bugbears hate humans so much, considering that it's mainly the Gnolls that treat them so oppressively. I guess they're just irrational racists.
Whiteshield.gif 15 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 13 Initiative +50%
Prim flag.gif Nicesword.gif 25 This monster is a Bug mad flagellate
  • Some flagellates only whip themselves, as penance to their tiny, tiny god.
  • Most flagellates use their long thin limbs for propulsion, but it's not much of a surprise that the one you happened to encounter would be one of the violent ones. Why do you seem to have this effect on people? Maybe it's time for some self-reflection.
  • Flagellates are careful to always have a safe word, but since they don't have the capacity for language, nobody knows how that works.
Whiteshield.gif 18 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 20 Initiative +50%
Madwino.gif Nicesword.gif 148 This monster is a Hobo mad wino
  • The mad wino once ate a census taker's liver with some fava beans and a bottle of Mad Train wine.
  • The mad wino thinks that Incredibly Mad Train Wine has notes of avocado, with a muskrat nose and a finish that's pure apotheosis.
  • The mad wino's bindle is full of bottles of wine and statues of elder gods. If he ever finds a bottle of wine shaped like a statue of an elder god, he'll be the happiest hobo in the world.
Whiteshield.gif 141 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +50%
Madiator.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude Madiator
  • Madiators could probably benefit from drugs or psychiatric treatment, but neither of those have been invented yet.
  • Madiators who are sufficiently wealthy are just deemed eccentric.
  • Madiators are sometimes geniuses, but no more likely to be so than sane folks.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +40%
Dragonfish.gif Nicesword.gif 500 This monster is a Fish magic dragonfish
  • No magic dragonfish are named "Puff". None of them. Never.
  • Many species of dragonfish have venomous spines, so it is recommended that you not attempt to hug one.
  • Magic dragonfish are known for keeping large hoards of shiny glass pebbles and plastic treasure chests -- a valuable haul for any adventurer who manages to locate their homes. Well, for certain definitions of "valuable".
Whiteshield.gif 360 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 750 Initiative +50%
Mech.gif Nicesword.gif 120 This monster is a Construct MagiMechTech MechaMech
  • Each MagiMech Tech MechaMech has a 56k modem and over 3 megabytes of RAM built in!
  • MechaMechs contain a music player with over 300 megabytes of storage!
  • MechaMechs have a navigation system onboard that uses satellites to pinpoint their precise location, provided those satellites are ever built and launched.
Whiteshield.gif 108 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +80%
Spelunkmagma.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is an Elemental magma man
  • Back in the 60s, these guys were known as Mag Men.
  • They were the toast of the town, and the town also often used them to make toast.
  • Eventually the "Mag Man" lifestyle had to come to a close, as they were, every last one of them, murdered in their sleep by their beleaguered wives.
Whiteshield.gif 50 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 50 Never wins initiative
Cropcircle.gif Nicesword.gif 99999 This monster is a Construct malevolent crop circle
  • Soul Coughing broke up because the other members of the band kept asking Mike Doughty go on walks with them in crop circles, but he kept insisting that he didn't have to.
  • Crop circles are not actually any more common or popular than crop hexagons, they just have a better publicist.
  • If you ever find yourself lost in a crop circle, just keep your hand against the left edge and follow it -- that way you'll wander until you eventually die of starvation, which is exactly what the crop circle wants.
Whiteshield.gif 89999 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 99999 Never wins initiative
Hairclog.gif Nicesword.gif 59 This monster is a Horror malevolent hair clog
  • If you think the hair clogs in Spookyraven Manor are bad, you should see the ones in the Castle In The Clouds. All those giant beards!
  • The best way to get rid of malevolent hair clogs is a bottle of "Liquid Exorcist", but most clerics will warn you that it's bad for your plumbing.
  • You might think a spirit would have to be pretty desperate to possess a bathtub hair clog, and you'd be right. With the number of ghosts packed into Spookyraven Manor, they take what they can get. It was either that or a hand towel.
Whiteshield.gif 81 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 50 Initiative +50%
Magfield.gif Nicesword.gif 75 This monster is Weird malevolent magnetic field
  • The existance of self-aware and sentient incarnations of various principles of physics, such as the magnetic field, is rare but byt no means unheard of. They are the result of one-upmanship among scientists and wizards trying to out-insane each other.
  • Besides living magnetic fields, adventurers have also been known to encounter X-ray Golems, quadrupole ion trappers, Maxwell's Demon, and a mysterious warrior known only as Supermanifold.
  • Scientists have discovered the existance of a truly immense magnetic field that covers the entire planet. Please, please try not to piss it off.
Whiteshield.gif 76 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +50%
Tofurkey.gif Nicesword.gif 1 This monster is a Beast Malevolent Tofurkey
  • The tofurkey's malevolent intelligence is actually a hive-mind, created by the blending of all the little soybean-minds that comprise it. Obviously this is very traumatic for the soybeans, hence the agressiveness.
  • Food engineers have also produced a loaf of pressed turkey meat in the shape of a soybean, for meat-eaters who want to pretend they're being health- and animal-conscious. For some reason, it isn't very popular.
  • The tofurkey may seem angry, but you want real drama, you should try a vegetarian haggis. Whew!
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 1 Initiative +100%
Maltliquorgolem.gif Nicesword.gif 2 This monster is a Construct malt liquor golem
  • Premium malt liquor is just regular malt liquor with a nicer label.
  • Study after study demonstrates that this fact actually makes premium malt liquor taste better than regular malt liquor.
  • Brains are stupid.
Whiteshield.gif 1 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 2 Never wins initiative
Mammon.gif Nicesword.gif 150 This monster is a Beast Mammon the Elephant
  • If you've discovered how to make turnips bleed,
    it's a good indication your main sin is greed.
  • What's so special 'bout eggs that he chooses to hoard 'em?
    Just the fact that he's got 'em -- no one else can afford 'em.
  • How does he sit on those eggs and not smash them?
    He wraps them in money to cushion and cache them.
Whiteshield.gif 135 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 50000 Initiative +150%
Redbuttons.gif Nicesword.gif 160 This monster is a Dude man with the red buttons
  • The man with the red buttons also has red hair, but that's just an unfortunate birth defect.
  • The man with the red buttons rocked a red earring for a while, but it was just a phase.
  • The man with the red buttons also has red buttons on his pants instead of a zipper, and you *really* don't want to know why.
Whiteshield.gif 150 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 170 Initiative +50%
Audrey.gif Nicesword.gif 22 This monster is a Plant man-eating plant
  • The man-eating plant is from the planet Vega, which explains why Vegans only eat plants. It's revenge.
  • The man-eating plant wants you to know that it'll eat women, too. It's not trying to be sexist or anything.
  • Usually people don't get close enough for the man-eating plant to eat them, so it has to make do with what it can get. "Frog-eating plant" doesn't have quite the scare to it, though.
Whiteshield.gif 8 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 25 Initiative +50%
Batboss mansq.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude Mansquito
  • I don't really want to describe what it's like when Mansquito sneezes, but I encourage you to try and imagine it.
  • Mansquito acquired his powers accidentally while trying to invent a new, more powerful neti pot.
  • Only female mosquitoes drink blood, so it's a little curious that Mansquito does as well. Maybe it's just optional for him?
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Wraith5.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is Undead Marcus Macurgeon
  • Most people forget, in their website fixation,
    the best porno comes from your imagination.
  • Marcus had several ink colors, they say,
    He'd write his worst work in fifty shades of grey.
  • Writing bad porn's not a crime, if you need it,
    So long as you don't expect others to read it.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +50%
Bandolero.gif Nicesword.gif 95 This monster is a Dude mariachi bandolero
  • The mariachi bandolero's favorite instrument is el cuchillo, which is played by applying it to someone's face until they scream.
  • The bandolero's favorite tune isn't "Cielito Lindo" or "La Cucaracha," okay? It's actually "Tu, solo tu." So quit asking him to play that tourist crap.
  • The bandolero shaves with a guard on his razor so he perpetually has a five o'clock shadow.
Whiteshield.gif 85 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 120 Initiative +50%
Mar bruiser.gif Nicesword.gif 160 This monster is a Dude mariachi bruiser
  • The mariachi bruiser is actually a skilled flute player. But don't tell his buddies.
  • The mariachi bruiser has two hobbies: collecting fingers from his victims, and building model trains.
  • The mariachi bruiser's guitar case actually has a guitar in it. He hides the gun in his hat.
Whiteshield.gif 144 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 210 Initiative +75%
Mariachi3.gif Nicesword.gif 22 This monster is Undead mariachi calavera
  • You might be wondering how a fat skeleton is even possible. In fact, now that I've brought the idea to your attention, you're definitely wondering that.
  • Many mariachi calaveras were victims of the long ongoing feud between the Mariachis and the Accordion Thieves. Perhaps their post-death stress disorder is what causes them to drink so much.
  • Never ask a mariachi calavery to play "La Cucaracha". Man they are so sick of that one.
Whiteshield.gif 19 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 30 Initiative +50%
Wraith3.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is Undead Marvin J. Sunny
  • Marvin kept all of his money in vats,
    Which he covered in mayo to keep out the rats.
  • Did the mayonnaise work? If you ask me, I'll say no,
    Everyone knows that rats love them some mayo.
  • Marvin commissioned a portrait quite weighty,
    It was called "Marvin Gardens" and cost him $280.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +50%
Promoter.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude master of ceremonies
  • The master of ceremonies also arranges appointments for his courtesans and takes a chunk of the revenue they generate. So really he's just a pimp in a cool hat. So, y'know, a pimp.
  • There are at least seven species of venereal disease living in the master of ceremonies' mustache.
  • The master of ceremonies is a friend to all of his courtesans, but his true love is the evil duke.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +60%
Wasp.gif Nicesword.gif 17 This monster is a Bug mayonnaise wasp
  • The mayonnaise wasp has raw eggs in it, so don't eat it if it's been left out for more than 15 minutes in the summer time. Also, because it's a vicious stinging wasp.
  • Mayonnaise wasps make mayo like bees make honey. So unlike their other foul brethren, they're actually contributing something.
  • It turns out that the top black blob on the mayonnaise wasp is its head, and the bottom is the stinger. I've always seen it as the middle blob being a body, with the top and bottom blobs as claws, and just assumed the artist had never seen a wasp.
Whiteshield.gif 15 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 11 Initiative +60%
Mayorghost.gif Nicesword.gif 1500 This monster is Undead Mayor Ghost
  • All of the problems you have with Mayor Ghost are actually his predecessor's fault.
  • Mayor Ghost is not a crook.
  • Mayor Ghost never accepted any inappropriate gifts from any lobbyist or special interest group, with the single exception of a four thousand pound solid gold painting of dogs playing checkers.
Whiteshield.gif 1500 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 10000 Initiative +200%
Beggar.gif Nicesword.gif 87 This monster is a Dude me4t begZ0r
  • Give a begZ0r some me4t, he'll be annoying for a lifetime. Don't give a begZ0r some me4t, he'll be annoying for a lifetime.
  • The modern me4t begz0r is descended from the b3an begz0r of the prior age. It's the survival of the obnoxiousest.
  • Me4t begz0rs have a vulnerable spot right between their legs. Kick them in it every chance you get.
Whiteshield.gif 78 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 77 Initiative +50%
Duckmeandrunk.gif Nicesword.gif 180 This monster is a Beast mean drunk duck
  • It only takes 6 ounces of beer to get a duck drunk. Because of this, scientists have speculated they're distant relatives of sorority girls.
  • Birds need gravity to help them swallow, so if you're going to beer bong a duck, make sure you're on earth or an earth-like planet.
  • The drunk duck's favorite schnapps is water-bug flavored.
Whiteshield.gif 157 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 190 Initiative +50%
Med dung.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude Medieval dung peddler
  • The Medieval dung peddler actually makes a decent living selling fertilizer to hippies.
  • The Medieval dung peddler sleeps on a bed of straw, with a pillow of dung.
  • The Medieval dung peddler knows how much dung goes into tanning hides, so he never drinks from a leather mug.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Med mugman.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude Medieval leather mug salesman
  • If you think the leather mug salesman's wares are nonsensical, you haven't met the lace mug salesman.
  • Most leather mug salesmen are experimenting with vinyl mugs now, because they have a warmer sound.
  • The leather mug salesman has an ongoing rivalry with the town's potter. It's getting pretty hairy.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Med muggirl.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude Medieval mug apprentice
  • The Medieval mug apprentice is actually the leather mug salesman's daughter, and it's all going to end in tears when he finds out she's dating the Medieval potter's son.
  • The Medieval mug apprentice is experimenting with paints that don't contain lead, which makes the Medieval potter freak out about abandoning the traditional ways.
  • The Medieval mug apprentice once made a ceramic mug with a leather handle, which got her grounded for a full week.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Med potter.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude Medieval potter
  • Medieval potters only take a break when they need to use the Medieval potty.
  • Medieval potters use only the most authentic lead-based paints to decorate their wares.
  • Medieval potters make other things than pots, of course, but no one would come by the shop when it was called "Medieval Muggers."
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Med strawman.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude Medieval strawman debator
  • If you don't enjoy the Strawman Debator's art, you probably want all arts to be made illegal!
  • The Strawman Debator is currently only a novice, but he's studying to be a master.
  • The Strawman Debator is best paired with an Ad Hominem Artisan, so they can argue with each other without annoying everyone else.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Med stucco.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude Medieval stucco artisan
  • Medieval stucco artisans use only the finest Medieval clay from the cesspits, which is only like 50% dung.
  • Medieval stucco artisans have a deep rift between those who mix with hay, and those who mix with straw.
  • Hod. Hod hod hod hod. Hod. Hod hod! Hod? Hod!
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Mimic3.gif Nicesword.gif 25 This monster is Weird medium-sized barrel mimic
  • The least pleasant part of being a barrel-mimicing mimic is when someone fills you full of wine.
  • Okay, that's actually pretty pleasant. The least pleasant part is when some poor person tries to wear you.
  • Barrel-mimicing mimics frequently spend a dozen years hibernating, pleasantly full of scotch.
Whiteshield.gif 22 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 35 Initiative +90%
Cvmedusa.gif Nicesword.gif 75 This monster is a Horror medusa
  • Gazing directly at a medusa head will turn you to stone. Gazing at one in a dirty, warped mirror will merely turn you into mud.
  • The snakes that form medusa's hair are non-venomous, so don't worry about getting bit.
  • medusa[sic]? heads are full of hydrogen, which allows them to fly and explains why they burst into flame when hit.
Whiteshield.gif 76 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 80 Initiative +80%
Megafrog.gif Nicesword.gif 14 This monster is a Beast mega frog
  • It's possible that a mega frog might just be a prince with a curse, but you'd have to be pretty brave to kiss him and find out. Watch out for the tongue.
  • The mega frog's natural prey is the mudscamp, a sort of intelligent swamp-dwelling legged fish. They don't appear in this adventure, because they're pretty shy.
  • The mudscamp's only natural defense against the mega frog is squirting stink oil out of their awful-sauce glands, which they do pretty much all the time, and which doesn't seem to have very much effect.
Whiteshield.gif 16 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 20 Initiative +10%
Vib1.gif Nicesword.gif 400 This monster is a Construct menacing construct
  • The menacing construct is actually not magic; it's sufficiently advanced technology. The fact that it is fueled by fairy dust is immaterial.
  • The El Vibrato term for depression is "CHA-BEZEVEHO BENOKBU."
  • El Vibrato island was named for its discoverer, adventurer El Vibrato. I think we're all glad it wasn't Queefrag who made the discovery.
Whiteshield.gif 315 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 400 Initiative +65%
Vib1.gif Nicesword.gif 400 This monster is a Construct menacing construct
  • The El Vibrato constructs play in a band on their off-cycles. It's called Fukro Bebu Paga, and they're kind of an electro-synth heavy metal deal.
  • The language of El Vibrato has a word for "capacitance" but no word for "love."
  • The mysterious constructmakers of El Vibrato vanished ages ago, leaving behind only their wondrous artifacts. Or possibly their useless junk. We're not sure.
Whiteshield.gif 315 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 400 Initiative +65%
Lawngnome1.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is a Humanoid menacing lawn gnome
  • Modern lawn gnomes are quite territorial, with a fierceness bordering on the feral. Throwing trash into one's carefully-manicured yard will likely result in a world of hurt.
  • If you stacked five lawn gnomes on each others' shoulders, good job! I don't know how you managed to accomplish that without getting your ass kicked.
  • The red conical hat of the lawn gnome was originally part of the military regalia of the Gnomish Royal Guards. It was a great honor to be a Guardsgnome, and modern plaster garden statues depicting them mockingly are considered incredibly offensive.
Whiteshield.gif 45 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 75 Initiative +50%
Awolclown2.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Horror menacing rodeo clown
  • Rodeo clowns' hats are not normal hats -- they're kind of like tumors made of hair.
  • This makes it very confusing for people trying to perform brain surgery on rodeo clowns.
  • Luckily, this almost never happens. One of the side effects of rodeo madness is that it makes you not trust doctors.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Nemesisthug.gif Nicesword.gif 55 This monster is a Dude menacing thug
  • Thugs are referred to by that term, because that's the sound their clubs make when they hit people in the head.
  • Remember how your mom said you should just ignore bullies, and they'll leave you alone? Yeah that is a total crock.
  • If you find yourself being menaced by thugs, don't forget to stop, drop, and roll! ...Wait, no, maybe that's fire.
Whiteshield.gif 49 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 75 Initiative +30%
Merkinalphabet.gif Nicesword.gif 750 This monster is a Mer-Kin Mer-kin alphabetizer
  • The Mer-kin have two hundred words for salt water, and no words for "thank you."
  • The Mer-kin alphabet song takes three hours to sing. It's still to the tune of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star," though.
  • The Mer-kin alphabetizer's glasses aren't prescription. There aren't even any lenses in them. He just thinks they make him look smarter.
Whiteshield.gif 800 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 900 Initiative +100%
Merkinballer.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Mer-Kin Mer-kin balldodger
  • Mer-kin poison is made from concentrated blowfish neurotoxin, which is so deadly it can burn out your nervous system and destroy your brain faster than your nerves can send the message that you just got poked with something sharp. This is a real thing.
  • Fortunately, Mer-kin don't usually waste the really good poison on dumb air-breathing adventurers.
  • Mer-kin dodgeballs are terrible for playing four-square, because the spikes cause them to bounce unpredictably.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Merkinswitcher.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Mer-Kin Mer-kin bladeswitcher
  • The Mer-kin switchblade takes a few minutes to learn, but a lifetime to master, especially now that you're missing half your fingers.
  • Other weapons invented by Stevebob "Three-fingers" McGee include the Eyestab and the Brainwhip, and they're all about as pleasant as they sound.
  • Mer-kin switchblade matches used to be held in small back rooms, but too many spectators were getting filleted.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Merkinburglar.gif Nicesword.gif 650 This monster is a Mer-Kin Mer-kin burglar
  • A good Mer-kin burglar can steal the shell off a hermit crab and the spines off a sea urchin.
  • Most Mer-kin burglars don't steal to survive or to get rich. They steal your stuff so you don't have it anymore. Jerks.
  • The Mer-kin takebag is somehow bigger on the inside than the outside. That'd be remarkable if it didn't exist in a world where you can carry hundreds of weapons in your inventory.
Whiteshield.gif 720 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 650 Initiative +150%
Merkindiver.gif Nicesword.gif 475 This monster is a Mer-Kin Mer-kin diver
  • Mer-kin undergo special training to be able to swin comfortably in the deepest, highest-pressure waters. This training involves being hit with hammers until the recruit is willing to put up with just about anything in order to not have to train any more.
  • The harsh (even cruel) training that mer-kin undergo results in a deep bond among squadmates. Nothing spells 'teamwork' like getting together to beat the holy hell out of the drill sergeant after graduation.
  • The mer-kin are perpetually prepared for war, despite there not really being any other tribes nearby that are worth warring with. This leaves them with what as[sic] known as "military blue-balls", which only makes them angrier and more warlike.
Whiteshield.gif 427 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 700 Initiative +75%
Merkindrifter.gif Nicesword.gif 850 This monster is a Mer-Kin Mer-kin drifter
  • If drifters drift, then what do hoboes do? (Answer: they sleep in freight cars.)
  • Mer-kin drifters do not literally drift -- they are able to swim under their own power, and can resist normal ocean currents with ease.
  • Due to the strict, rigorously warlike nature of Mer-Kin society, it may be surprising that drifters are permitted to exist. It's actually due to the fact that the waiting list for executions is longer than the military's capacity to store the prisoners.
Whiteshield.gif 800 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 1000 Initiative +25%
Merkinhealer.gif Nicesword.gif 650 This monster is a Mer-Kin Mer-kin healer
  • Mer-kin healing spells tend to make people of other races uncomfortable, because they itch really really badly. Fortunately, mer-kin are raging xenophobes, so the issue doesn't come up much.
  • Mer-kin healing spells are a relatively recent development; previously, mer-kin healing rituals were limited to a simple incantation, loosely translatable as "Suck it up!"
  • Mer-kin also believe that, if a soldier was any good, he wouldn't have gotten injured in the first place. However, healing a wounded soldier is a lot more efficient than training up an entirely new replacement.
Whiteshield.gif 585 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 600 Initiative +75%
Merkinjuicer.gif Nicesword.gif 780 This monster is a Mer-Kin Mer-kin juicer
  • A Mer-kin juicer can bench press six times his own body weight, which is less impressive when you're under water.
  • The Mer-kin Athletics League tried to outlaw "the juice," but the Mer-kin lawmaker's process was subverted by Mer-kin politicianlobbiers.
  • Other side effects of "the juice" include engorged gills, loss of scale iridescence, and fluke holes.
Whiteshield.gif 650 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 900 Initiative +50%
Merkinminer.gif Nicesword.gif 450 This monster is a Mer-Kin Mer-kin miner
  • The Mer-kin miner sells his ores to the local orehouse, then adds a 'w' and an 'h' to spend the proceeds.
  • Mer-kin are so pretentious that they pronounce "ingot" "in-goh."
  • Mer-kin miner's daughters usually go into the music industry or the baby-having industry or both.
Whiteshield.gif 405 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 750 Initiative +50%
Merkinmonitor.gif Nicesword.gif 650 This monster is a Mer-Kin Mer-kin monitor
  • Mer-kin monitors frequently get burned out and have to go on vacation; you could say they have a high refresh rate.
  • Older Mer-kin monitors can only see 16 colors, but new ones can see about 2.6 million.
  • Mer-kin hall monitors are authorized to use deadly force to keep order, but they almost never do. Well, certainly not twice in a day or anything.
Whiteshield.gif 650 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 750 Initiative +100%
Merkindragger.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Mer-Kin Mer-kin netdragger
  • The Mer-kin dragnet used to be lined with feathers, but the combination of tar and feathers was deemed too humiliating, even for Mer-kin.
  • Mer-kin netdraggers start out training with a net covered in jam, then move up to honey, glue, and finally tar.
  • Mer-kin netdraggers keep the net from sticking to them by covering their torsos in whale blubber. So, y'know, don't hug them.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Merkinposeur.gif Nicesword.gif 720 This monster is a Mer-Kin Mer-kin poseur
  • A Mer-kin treadmill consists of a strong current to swim against, and a bar to hold onto in case you get tired.
  • Mer-kin poseurs spend a lot of money on their workout gear, so it seems a shame to get it all sweaty.
  • Mer-kin poseurs are always scrupulously physically fit, but no one's sure how they get that way.
Whiteshield.gif 750 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 750 Initiative +125%
Merkinpunisher.gif Nicesword.gif 700 This monster is a Mer-Kin Mer-kin punisher
  • Mer-kin schools are, not surprisingly, incredibly strict. Don't get caught passing notes, or you'll be forced to read them aloud in front of the class. Without your skin.
  • Mer-kin educators decided that corporal punishment wasn't enough to keep their students in line, and upgraded it to 2nd lieutenant punishment.
  • Naturally, mer-kin students really hate their teachers and school. This is more or less the entire point.
Whiteshield.gif 600 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 800 Initiative +75%
Merkinraider.gif Nicesword.gif 750 This monster is a Mer-Kin Mer-kin raider
  • Mer-kin raids kill bugs dead. And, y'know, anything else that gets in their way.
  • Mer-kin coordinate their raids with raider RADAR.
  • Mer-kin raiders are even more deadly than Mer-kin steelers and cowboys, but less so than the Mer-kin giants (nerds: that's a football joke. Foreigners: that's an American football joke).
Whiteshield.gif 585 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 800 Initiative +50%
Merkinresearcher.gif Nicesword.gif 800 This monster is a Mer-Kin Mer-kin researcher
  • The Ancient Elder God of Hate doesn't answer prayers, unless they're "please destroy me and my entire family and/or civilization."
  • Mer-kin researchers wear special goggles to shield their brains from the insanity-inducing effects of ancient unholy texts.
  • The Ancient God of Hate came into being when the Ancient God of Fear and the Ancient God of Anger got busy, way back in the day.
Whiteshield.gif 750 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 900 Initiative +75%
Merkinspear.gif Nicesword.gif 700 This monster is a Mer-Kin Mer-kin rustler
  • Mer-kin rustlers usually wear armor made out of plastic bags, the better to rustle.
  • Mer-kin rustlers favorite activity is jumping in piles of autumn leaves.
  • Mer-kin rustlers take forever to open Crimbo pressies, since they can't stop crumpling the paper.
Whiteshield.gif 675 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 750 Initiative +100%
Merkinscav.gif Nicesword.gif 450 This monster is a Mer-Kin Mer-kin scavenger
  • Mer-kin scavengers trade their goods for upgrades to their hookspears and takebags. It's a vicious cycle, really.
  • It's technically illegal to scavenge in the Mer-kin territory, but rules don't apply to jerks with big sharp spears.
  • Mer-kin scavengers all learn to play the underwater harmonica, which is about as difficult as you'd might think.
Whiteshield.gif 405 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 600 Initiative +100%
Merkinghost.gif Nicesword.gif 750 This monster is Undead Mer-kin specter
  • Mer-kin kids are not allowed to graduate from elementary school until they demonstrate sufficient skill at bullying other Mer-kin kids.
  • Since every Mer-kin kid is a bully, it is often very difficult for them to find someone to bully.
  • As such, Mer-kin kids will often paint a face on a watermelon and bully it, just for practice.
Whiteshield.gif 600 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 600 Initiative +100%
Merkinteacher.gif Nicesword.gif 600 This monster is a Mer-Kin Mer-kin teacher
  • The Mer-kin teacher makes a crappy salary, gets no respect, and is losing her pension and benefits. But at least she can't get fired!
  • Mer-kin education reform is always a hot-button issue in Mer-kin elections. So it's a good idea the Mer-kin are a monarchy and never hold elections.
  • Mer-kin education is tricky since the curriculum includes the phrase "Hey! Teacher! Leave those kids alone!"
Whiteshield.gif 700 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 700 Initiative +50%
Merkintippler.gif Nicesword.gif 600 This monster is a Mer-Kin Mer-kin tippler
  • Mer-kin tipplers must drink at least an ounce of spirits, or 12 ounces of beer an hour to maintain their inebriated state.
  • Mer-kin tipplers have to adjust their drinking for various atmospheric pressures. Those who train closer to the surface are titans of booze down in the depths.
  • Mer-kin tipplers frequently get arrested for swimming while intoxicated.
Whiteshield.gif 360 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 750 Initiative +25%
Merkintrainer.gif Nicesword.gif 750 This monster is a Mer-Kin Mer-kin trainer
  • The Mer-kin trainer was almost the third alternate bladethrower for the Mer-kin Olympic Team, and he won't ever stop talking about it.
  • The Mer-kin trainer eats a strict diet of seaweed and bottom-feeding fish. I mean, so do all Mer-kins, but he eats *way* more.
  • The Mer-kin trainer's favorite thing is winning, and his least favorite thing is fatties.
Whiteshield.gif 700 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 800 Initiative +75%
Mercenary.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude Mercenary of Fortune
  • The mercenary of fortune doesn't care who he's working for, as long as they pay up front.
  • The best technique for fighting a mercenary of fortune is to offer him a raise to join your side.
  • Mercenaries of fortune don't take checks or credit, though, so you'd better have plenty of meat on hand.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Pengmesmer.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Penguin Mesmerizing Penguin
  • One actually has to have a strong will, not a weak one, to be hypnotized. It requires a lot of concentration and the willing to make an ass out of yourself in front of your friends.
  • Mesmerizing Penguins are getting less popular since Acunpuncture[sic] Penguins started using hair-thin needles instead of daggers.
  • If the pocketwatch doesn't work, the Mesmerizing Penguin also has an umbrella with a spiral painted on it. But that thing will probably give you a splitting headache.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Adv smart2.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude Metaphysical Gastronomist
  • Did you know that Metaphysical Gastronomists often communicate by asking questions that start with "Did you know?"
  • It's difficult to decide whether to invite a Metaphysical Gastronomist to a party or not, because while they make great snacks, they are also absolutely insufferable dorkwads.
  • Metaphysical Gastronomists often start their careers late in life, because they have to go to regular school, culinary school, and wizard school.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Adv fast2.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude Microwave Magus
  • Microwave Magi belong to the Guild of Bachelor Sorcerers. Their guild homes have been banned from most of the cities in Loathing.
  • A Microwave Magus never, ever cleans out his microwave. It has to be seasoned, they'll tell you, but really they're just lazy.
  • A funny prank to play on a Microwave Magus is to hide a bunch of compact discs and forks in his supply of frozen food.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +1000%
Blankmook.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude mid-level mook
  • Mook mook mook.
  • The word 'mook' actually comes from the acronym "MOOC", which stands for "Mobster Or Other Criminal".
  • Ever notice that 'mobster' and 'monster' only differ by one letter? Now you have!
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Piratem.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Pirate migratory pirate
  • The migratory pirate was cursed to carry his oar after he failed to pay his bill in an oarhouse. Or something like that.
  • The average velocity of an unladen migratory pirate is about 10 knots.
  • The migratory pirate has a pegleg and an eyepatch, but no hook, so the other pirates don't take him seriously.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Lowerm.gif Nicesword.gif 45 This monster is Weird mimic
  • A mimic in its natural form kind of looks like an upside-down squirrel with tentacles.
  • The only thing a mimic can't mimic is itself. Think about that, man.
  • Like all shapeshifters, mimics store their extra mass in a pocket dimension when they mimic something smaller than they are.
Whiteshield.gif 40 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 50 Initiative +70%
Lower h.gif Nicesword.gif 59 This monster is a Horror mind flayer
  • Mind flayers are the only creatures to have discovered that the mind has a skin, and to devise a method to remove that skin.
  • The mind flayer's telepathic radius is about 2 meters (or something like 8 yards, imperial).
  • Mind flayers can't hurt you if you empty your mind, remain calm, and stay the hell away from mind flayers.
Whiteshield.gif 54 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 77 Initiative +75%
Minecrab.gif Nicesword.gif 700 This monster is a Fish mine crab
  • Despite the name, these crabs are not mined out of the ground. Rather, they are grown on trees.
  • Nobody knows where all those nautical mines came from, since there hasn't been a naval war on the coasts of Loathing since well before their invention. Maybe it was the crabs that invented them?
  • No matter where you're standing, you will never find more than eight mine crabs adjacent to you.
Whiteshield.gif 540 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 850 Initiative +50%
Mineboss1.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is a Dude mine overseer
  • If you think this guy's obnoxious, you should see his boss. That guy's megaphone is HUGE.
  • A guy who wants a megaphone should almost never be permitted to have one.
  • Megaphones work by saving up sound waves and releasing them all at once. When you hear someone say something through a megaphone, they actually had to say that ten times.
Whiteshield.gif 50 This monster is Hot.  Hot is weak against Sleaze and Stench.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +50%
Mineboss2.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is a Dude mine overseer
  • Ironically, you have to be at least 18 years old to work in a mine.
  • Ironically, you have to be at least a million years old to tell the previous joke.
  • Gold lamé clothing is not made from actual gold. It is made from eels.
Whiteshield.gif 50 This monster is Hot.  Hot is weak against Sleaze and Stench.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +50%
Mineworker1.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is a Dude mine worker
  • Not all gold is mined as ore -- some of it grows on trees.
  • Nobody wants to be a velvet miner, because of the dust -- which is strange, because you'd think people would be flocking to the job. Eh? Eh? Am I right?
  • Velvet miners are susceptible to a terrible disease called "black velvet lung" which is extremely painful, but looks awesome under ultraviolet light.
Whiteshield.gif 50 This monster is Hot.  Hot is weak against Sleaze and Stench.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +50%
Mineworker2.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is a Dude mine worker
  • He wouldn't hate you any less if the mine were a pleasant place to work. He's just a guy with a lot of hate in him.
  • He misses his megaphone. He had named it "Cindy".
  • On the bright side, at least he gets more opportunities to work overtime now.
Whiteshield.gif 50 This monster is Hot.  Hot is weak against Sleaze and Stench.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +50%
Fr grolblin.gif Nicesword.gif 140 This monster is a Construct mining grobold
  • The great thing about making statues out of chicken wire and plaster is that they're really cheap, so if one gets damaged you can just put up another one. ...I meant to make that into some kind of joke but I guess it's just true?
  • Kobolds, goblins, and gremlins are all the same thing don't @ me.
  • Millard Fillmore is both the most boring president and also the president with the best name. It is a paradox.
Whiteshield.gif 140 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +999%
Twins mism.gif Nicesword.gif 91 This monster is a Dude Mismatched Twins
  • If the giant were completely filled with marshmallow fluff, he'd contain at least 50 tablespoons of sugar, and that'd be awesome.
  • Midgets have fully miniaturized bodies. Dwarves have normal sized torsos and heads but smaller legs and arms.
  • Apparently, the proper plural of "dwarf" is "dwarfs." I have issues with that -- it stabs my brain like a dozen knifes.
Whiteshield.gif 85 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +50%
Badportrait.gif Nicesword.gif This monster is a Construct misproportioned portrait
  • The best way to draw a portrait is to make an oval for the face, then make a lightly penciled cross-hair for proportions, then have someone who knows how to draw do it instead.
  • Although, y'know, maybe it's a very good portrait of a very ugly person. Who are we to say?
  • "Though the only person I know with a huge balloon head and a spindly neck is currently stuck in a prism. Take THAT, Ralph!"
Whiteshield.gif This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif Never wins initiative
Batboss graves.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude Miss Graves
  • Miss Graves was really popular in Japan for a while, but the fandom turnover rate is super-fast there, so her tour only lasted a couple months.
  • Several eyeliner manufacturers have attempted to sign sponsorship deals with Miss Graves, but the terms of her parole forbid it.
  • She doesn't actually need the parasol to fly, she just think it looks cuter that way.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Pengarson.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Penguin Mob Penguin Arsonist
  • Despite being a fire-starter, you probably shouldn't catagorize the Mob Penguin arsonist as 'twisted'. He just takes special pride in his work.
  • If an arsonist suggests that you should "go die in a fire", watch out! He might mean it literally!
  • Many nice houses like yours burn down every year in mob-related arsonings, which is a real shame. Contact your local "insurance" broker today, to make sure this doesn't happen to you.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Mobcapo.gif Nicesword.gif 155 This monster is a Penguin Mob Penguin Capo
  • The Penguin Mafia hasn't been very active in the Kingdom for a while, because they've been busy targeting leopard seals in the Frigid Northlands.
  • The Penguin Mafia now operate a series of legitimate businesses, and collect protection money from Hagnk, because he could sure use it.
  • The Penguin Mafia are done with gambling and drugs as business opportunities, and are now collecting Pökemanns.
Whiteshield.gif 145 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 160 Initiative +50%
Pengcapo.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Penguin Mob Penguin Caporegime
  • The Caporegime answers to the Capovilla, who answers to the Don, El Fromage Grande.
  • The Penguin Mafia has been trying to unionize, but they keep busting up their own union meetings, electing a union head and then giving him cement shoes, that kind of thing.
  • Middle-managing a bunch of musclebound goons isn't a great job, but the Caporegime *does* get weekends off and two weeks vacation a year.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Pengdemo.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Penguin Mob Penguin Demolitionist
  • The ostrich wasn't blown up on the Don's behalf; it was a personal matter. Don't ask.
  • Although round black bombs with the fuse sticking out the top are out of fashion in demolitionist circles these days, the Mob Penguin demolitionists usually keep a few around for when they're feeling nostalgic.
  • Mob Penguin demolitionists have stopped putting countdown timers on their bombs, because for some reason they always lock up at 00:01.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Pengthug.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Penguin Mob Penguin enforcer
  • Yes, the little bowtie is pictured. It's very little.
  • Also, he doesn't wear it around his neck.
  • I refuse to say any more on the topic.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +75%
Peng ent.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Penguin Mob Penguin entrepreneur
  • Mob Penguins love fish and pasta in equal proportions.
  • Mob Penguins won't make you an offer you can't refuse, but they will fit you for some cement flippers.
  • Mob Penguins should probably call themselves something else, if they're tired of being accused of being involved with organized crime.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Pengbook.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Penguin Mob Penguin goon
  • He much prefers the title "Low-Ranking Purveyor of Cranial Trauma" to 'goon'.
  • He only permits people to refer to him as a 'goon' because someone told him it stands for "General Officiant of Organized Neurocollision".
  • Ironically, he refers to his thesaurus as a 'words-book'.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +75%
Penggoon.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Penguin Mob Penguin Goon
  • Mob Penguin Goons can bench-press up to three dozen times their body weight.
  • Mob Penguin Goons may not be smart, but they've got something called "street smarts," which is a euphemism for "big muscles and brass knuckles."
  • Mob Penguin Goons always carry a set of brass knuckles, despite not having any actual knuckles to put them on. No one said they were geniuses.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Pengthug.gif Nicesword.gif 75 This monster is a Penguin Mob Penguin hitman
  • Mob penguins have tried to epand their horizons, with shady antique dealing, meteorite mining, and even holiday management, but they always come back to the basics: hurting people for money.
  • "Capisce" is Pengtalian for "Got any fish?"
  • Whenever a mob penguin makes you an offer you can't refuse, it's almost always something you would like to refuse if you could. Rarely will a mob penguin say "I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse: have a slice of this delicious cake."
Whiteshield.gif 67 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 90 Initiative +40%
Penggun.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Penguin Mob Penguin hitpenguin
  • Just because he's a hitpenguin, that doesn't mean he just hits people. He shoots them as well.
  • Their pistols are really expensive -- they have to be made specially for use with flippers.
  • He experimented with bullets made of ice, which would leave less evidence. Then he decided he didn't really care.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +100%
Pengthug.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Penguin Mob Penguin Kneecapper
  • To become part of the Penguin Mafia, you must bring the Don a pile of pebbles that is bigger than the last guy they let in. It gets pretty competitive.
  • The best way to handle a Penguin Mafia Kneecapper is to trick him into sticking his head into some beer cartilage.
  • In the old days, a kneecapper might spare you for a suitable herring bribe, but the Don put a stop to it.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Penghammer.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Penguin Mob penguin negotiator
  • Negotiating Rule #1 - Always say your number louder.
  • Negotiating Rule #2 - Always be willing to walk far away.
  • Negotiating Rule #3 - Always keep your cool freezer ready for the bodies.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +100%
Penggoon.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Penguin Mob Penguin organizer
  • A waddle of penguins is a group of penguins on land.
  • A raft of penguins is a group of penguins in the water.
  • A mob of penguins is a group of penguins in your face.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +200%
Pengchef.gif Nicesword.gif 90 This monster is a Penguin Mob Penguin Pasta Chef
  • You would think the Penguin Mafia would be allies with the Pastamancers, because of the whole pasta thing, right?
  • They aren't, though.
  • Probably for some dumb traditionalist reason, like a pastamancer once put bolognese sauce on linguini, or something.
Whiteshield.gif 81 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 80 Initiative +70%
Pengpsycho.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Penguin Mob Penguin psychopath
  • "Hey, I saw that movie and/or read that comic book!" you may be thinking. "I'll just slap some handcuffs on him!" Well, good luck with that, Admiral Genre-Savvy, but I don't think it'll work so well with flippers.
  • Really, your best option is to run run run run run run run away.
  • Qu'est-ce que c'est?
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +150%
Pengthug.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Penguin Mob Penguin protector
  • Deodorant is not compatible with penguin chemistry.
  • Penguins all look the same to non-penguins.
  • Protection doesn't mean the same thing in Penguinese, apparently.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Pengracket.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Penguin Mob Penguin racketeer
  • He hates it when his tennis score is 'love'.
  • Don't ask what the strings in his tennis racket are made of. He'll probably tell you anyway.
  • They're called 'racketeers' because of the noise they make when beating people up.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +75%
Pengprano.gif Nicesword.gif 95 This monster is a Penguin Mob Penguin Soprano
  • These guys are pretty important, because otherwise the penguins would never know when an operation is over.
  • No, they aren't all fat ladies. That's sexist.
  • Also fattist! ...weightist?
Whiteshield.gif 85 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 90 Initiative +80%
Penghammer.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Penguin Mob penguin steel driver
  • F=ma
  • A sledgehammer wrapped in a sweater is sometimes called a shovelglove.
  • John Pengy is the most famous steel drivin' penguin.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +100%
Pengthug.gif Nicesword.gif 95 This monster is a Penguin Mob Penguin Thug
  • These guys would be much more effective if they had more general-purpose sticks.
  • They're called "thugs" because of the sound the stick makes.
  • Most of them are really into model trains for some reason.
Whiteshield.gif 85 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 80 Initiative +80%
Pengthug.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Penguin Mob Penguin union rail worker
  • In addition to intimidating scabs, male penguins also care for the young.
  • The first penguin union was founded when the Council started pushing for a 6 day work-week.
  • The Council is often seen drinking Acqua Del Piatto Merlot or Uovo Marcio Shiraz when contracts are up for bid.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +75%
Warhipar2.gif Nicesword.gif 180 This monster is a Hippy Mobile Armored Sweat Lodge
  • The fact that the hippies in the mobile sweat lodge don't all asphyxiate from the stench just goes to show that people can get used to just about anything.
  • Early versions of the mobile sweat lodge ran on biodiesel, and smelled even worse than the current steam-powered ones, if you can imagine it.
  • It is rumored that the sweat lodge was invented by a particularly sweaty hippy who wanted some plausible deniability.
Whiteshield.gif 162 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 300 Initiative +20%
Modelskeleton.gif Nicesword.gif 76 This monster is a Construct model skeleton
  • It's a potent commentary on the sad state of the fashion industry that the model skeleton would now be considered a "plus-sized" model.
  • The model skeleton would be considered a plus-sized model even though it isn't fat; it's (demonstrably) big-boned.
  • Did you know that male skeletons have one fewer rib than female skeletons? You didn't know that? That's because it isn't true.
Whiteshield.gif 81 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 85 Initiative +25%
Modernzombie.gif Nicesword.gif 60 This monster is Undead modern zmobie
  • Many modern zombies aren't actually undead, just humans with some kind of disease. Of course, one could say that regular zombies are also just regular humans with a disease, that disease being 'death'.
  • It is not true that you can catch modern zombie disease from a toilet seat. You can, however, catch it from public telephones, which is why payphones are being decomissioned and are rarely seen these days.
  • Scientists believe that, if zombies continue to develop at the current pace, in roughly 150 years they will be able to run at speeds approaching Mach 1.
Whiteshield.gif 54 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 50 Initiative +300%
Moyster.gif Nicesword.gif 1100 This monster is a Fish moister oyster
  • You shouldn't eat a moister oyster in a month that doesn't have an 'r' in it, because pirates hate oysters.
  • You shouldn't eat a moister oyster at all, unless you're pining for that one time you hacked up a loogie and it got caught in the back of your throat.
  • But I guess if you're a pile of barely-animate snot, your career options are either "oyster" or "gossip website writer," so the oyster chose wisely.
Whiteshield.gif 1300 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 1500 Initiative +50%
Moneybee.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Bug moneybee
  • Bees cannot see the color red. Forutnately, they can still identify meat by its distinctive cutlet shape.
  • You may wonder what a bee needs money for, but have you ever seen inside a hive? They have a lot of grubs to feed! Not to mention send to college.
  • The rafflesia, or "corpse flower", has a large red bloom that smells like decaying meat. Naturally, these cause a great deal of confusion for moneybees.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Elf wrench.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is an Elf monkey wrenchin' elf
  • Monkey wrenches were originally designed to be used by construction apes. That's why they're so heavy.
  • Despite what you'd think, monkey-wrenchin' elves hate the Foo Fighters. They've always been more of a Goo Goo Dolls girl.
  • In order to actually lift a wrench, an elf has to endure decades of strength training. Then decades more in order to be able to turn it. Then, strangely, two more decades to be able to put it down.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Monsterhearse.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Construct monster hearse
  • The monster hearse will sell you a whole coffin, but you'll only need THE EDGE!
  • The monster hearse's archenemy is Crematosaurus.
  • When monster hearses die, they're carted away by monster hearse hearses, which are giant flatbed trucks raised up on even bigger tires.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 10 Never wins initiative
Boiler.gif Nicesword.gif 134 This monster is a Construct monstrous boiler
  • Monstrous boilers should be properly stoked at all times, or they'll get depressed.
  • Monstrous boilers run on regular coal. Don't let anyone sell you some fancy "specifically for monstrous boilers" coal. It's all just coal.
  • Monstrous boilers get coal in their stockings from Uncle Crimbo if they've been good. But they're never that good. I mean, "monstrous" is right in the name.
Whiteshield.gif 144 This monster is Hot.  Hot is weak against Sleaze and Stench.
Hp1.gif 160 Never wins initiative
Monty.gif Nicesword.gif 195 This monster is an Orc Monty Basingstoke-Pratt, IV
  • Most Frat Orcs make their fortune selling grilled meat, but Monty got a raw deal.
  • Monty's monocle is made of a single block of rare translucent porquoise, and cost more than an adventurer's annual salary. You, uh, do get a salary, don't you?
  • Monty generally prefers to pay other people to do violence for him, so don't be surprised if he hires you to kick your own ass. Just try to do a thorough job.
Whiteshield.gif 175 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 240 Initiative +40%
Moomy.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Demon moomy
  • Maybe it was an early experiment in beef jerky manufacturing.
  • Or maybe it was wrapped up for delivery from the butcher, and they put it in their basement for storage and forgot about it.
  • Or maybe people back then were both Egyptians and Hindus?
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Moonshriner.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude Moonshriner
  • Moonshriners are kind of a quasi-religious charitable organization, but chiefly they're an excuse to wear funny outfits and drive tiny cars.
  • The average moonshriner car can hold three moonshriners and seven gallons of hooch.
  • Moonshriners also conceal another flask under their fezzes, with a straw running down to their mouths (kids, please don't drink and drive).
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Fear1.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is Undead morbid skull
  • Every monster in Fear Man's level contains a morbid skull. Even the morbid skulls. It's weird.
  • Old-school poets used to keep a skull on their desks, as a constant reminder that skulls are totally, totally awesome.
  • The most common name for a boy morbid skull is Skullbert. The most common name for a girl morbid skull is Lexus. Sigh.
Whiteshield.gif 50 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 50 Initiative +50%
Wraith1.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is Undead Mortimer Strauss
  • Mortimer Strauss did whatever he pleased
    Which is why when he died he was rather diseased.
  • Mortimer Strauss kicked the bucket at 40,
    He lived not long but large, so don't cry for poor Morty.
  • Mortimer was quite the pervert when kickin',
    Some people use feathers; he used the whole chicken.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +50%
Motherseal.gif Nicesword.gif 150 This monster is a Demon mother hellseal
  • Mother hellseal relies on her "little helper" to make it through the day.
  • By "little helper," she means, "hallucinogenic sea anemone venom."
  • Sea anemone venom is only hallucinogenic for seals, though, so don't get any ideas.
Whiteshield.gif 135 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +150%
Stboss.gif Nicesword.gif 1000 This monster is a Slime Mother Slime
  • Mother Slime is at least 30% more viscous than her offspring.
  • Her slime is also 30% more caustic
  • And much like your mother, her body mass is about 3000% of an ordinary slime.
Whiteshield.gif 900 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 2950 Initiative +300%
Motorhead.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude motorhead
  • The motorhead's hands are usually covered in grease, so please don't touch.
  • Most motorhead's lives end when they are killed by death.
  • Though some are felled by white line fever, a symptom of which is the growth of giant facial moles.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +40%
Mtlion.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Beast mountain lion
  • Did you ever see a plateau lion? It's super weird how they survive without heads.
  • "Mountain Lion" is an anagram of "Aim nun lotion".
  • Mountain lions are allergic to chocolate eclairs.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +100%
Mountainman.gif Nicesword.gif 80 This monster is a Construct mountain man
  • Pity the poor mountain man: his foothills both have fallen arches (okay, they're more like collapsed tunnels).
  • The mountain man's veins are pure linoleum, asbestos, and chrome. But it'd be murder to mine him.
  • Mountain men spend a lot of time complaining about the good old days when they were plains, and when techtonic plates kept to themselves instead of colliding all willy-nilly.
Whiteshield.gif 72 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 300 Never wins initiative
Lawngnome3.gif Nicesword.gif 60 This monster is a Humanoid mounted lawn gnome
  • The lawn gnome's mower runs not on meat, but on the refined remains of prehistoric lizards. Creepy, right?
  • Underneath his red pointy hat, the gnome's head is also red and pointy. He should probably get that checked out.
  • Gazing into the gnome's soulless eyes is actually far more damaging than being run over by his lawn mower.
Whiteshield.gif 54 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 95 Initiative +85%
Mimemurmur.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is Weird mouthless murmur
  • The quietest silence ever recorded was captured by placing a microphone in the middle of a big box of foam in an acoustics laboratory deep inside a cave hundreds of miles from civilization.
  • It turns out that if there's a silence even quieter than that one, it just doesn't show up on tape.
  • Especially if Glen sets up the microphone, because Glen always screws something up such that there's constant ground loop hum. Get it together, Glen.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Lawngnome2.gif Nicesword.gif 55 This monster is a Humanoid mowing lawn gnome
  • The hats of lawn gnomes are made out of the same substance as the heads of lawn gnomes. This makes them very easy to clean.
  • Lawn gnomes cannot speak, but when the moons are full, they can laugh. It's horrifying.
  • Lawn gnomes predate lawns. It wasn't until mankind's expansion into the suburbs that they found purpose.
Whiteshield.gif 49 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 85 Initiative +50%
Batboss mrburns.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude Mr. Burns
  • Mr. Burns hates it when you meddle with his plans.
  • Fighting him is a real test of your mettle.
  • In appreciation of your catching him, perhaps the mayor will give you a... sigh
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Mrcheeng.gif Nicesword.gif 180 This monster is a Dude Mr. Cheeng
  • Everybody is always surprised to find out that Mr. Cheeng is from Canadia and not somewhere further East.
  • Mr. Cheeng once spent a few months in jail on trumped up charges, and do you know who his cellmate was?
  • It was just some random criminal. Jail isn't glamorous, all right? It's not a fun place full of "fun" stories and "hilarious" coincidences.
Whiteshield.gif 220 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 400 Initiative +100%
Mrchoch.gif Nicesword.gif 200 This monster is a Dude Mr. Choch
  • Before Mr. Choch owned a mine, he and Mr. Cheeng put out some very successful comedy albums.
  • Unfortunately, the albums are not actually particularly funny unless you're so stoned you can get a laugh from the Yellow Pages.
  • The fact that they became so much more popular than Firesign Theatre is basically a travesty. Hi, Mags!
Whiteshield.gif 200 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 400 Initiative +100%
Adv strong4.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude Mr. Loathing
  • Mr. Loathing loves bodybuilding, but his real passion is acting.
  • Mr. Loathing loves acting, but his real passion is politics.
  • Mr. Loathing loves politics, but his real passion is genocide. Oh, wait. That hasn't happened yet, has it. His real passion is... cigars? Cigars I guess.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Adv cold4.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude Mrs. Freeze
  • Mrs. Freeze has been married several times, but she's no stereotypical black widow. She made her fortune personally, by selling ice to nightclubs in tropical resort towns.
  • You might assume Mrs. Freeze to be emotionally cold, a metaphorical "Ice Queen", but in fact she's very kind to her friends. You just aren't one of them.
  • Mrs. Freeze's first name is Margaret. That isn't an obscure pun or reference or anything, it's just the truth.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Chemteacher.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude Mrs. K, the Chemistry Teacher
  • Mrs. K's full name is Engelberta M. Potassium. She just abbreviates it that way.
  • Mrs. K's advanced classes require goggles, heavy gloves, and occasionally a blast shield.
  • Mrs. K's four favorite elements are Barium, Carbon, Oxygen and Nitrogen. Delicious!
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +100%
Swampturtle.gif Nicesword.gif 48 This monster is a Beast mud turtle
  • Mud turtles are not actually made of mud, they just live in it.
  • Okay, well, some mud turtles are made of mud, but those are generally golems or decorative planters and not really what I was talking about before.
  • Unlike most reptiles, which evolved from birds, turtles evolved from rocks.
Whiteshield.gif 56 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 56 Initiative +20%
Muff.gif Nicesword.gif 153 This monster is a Constellation Muff
  • Putting your hand in a lady's muff is a great way to keep your fingers warm, assuming she's all right with it.
  • The term 'muff' can also refer to mishandling and dropping the ball in various sports. If a lady accuses you of fumbling too much and muffing your balls, you might want to seek out some instructional videos.
  • Muffs have fallen out of fashion in favor of more convenient hand-warming accessories, such as gloves and mittens. Which is a shame, because mittens don't have as much potential for sleazy double-entendres.
Whiteshield.gif 137 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +70%
Mumblebee.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Bug mumblebee
  • It's not that the mumblebee's a slacker or doesn't have anything interesting to say; it's just shy.
  • Mumblebee honey is actually a tiny bit sweeter than honey from other bees. Who knew?
  • You should never feed an infant honey, especially if you're using it to sweeten the whiskey you're giving it.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Spelunkmumm.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is Undead mummy
  • Most mummies are people whose bodies were preserved upon their death. These ones, though -- they were people who were already wrapped up like this when they died.
  • Historians aren't sure whether it was a weird fetish thing, or maybe if they had just been restrained for their own protection.
  • Given their apparent diet of mostly wasps, the latter seems more likely.
Whiteshield.gif 50 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 50 Never wins initiative
Sgmbdrone.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct Murderbot drone
  • Murderbot drones have a built-in antigravity device. The propellers are only there to be dangerous and annoying.
  • Murderbot drones have a sophisticated LIDAR system that they use to navigate. The eyeholes are only there to be spooky and intimidating.
  • For some absurd reason, Murderbot drones get their energy by chewing up and dissolving organic matter. Their mouths are absolutely essential to their function.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Sgmb.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Construct Murderbot soldier
  • The origin of the Murderbots is shrouded in mystery, probably because the Murderbots systematically destroyed all evidence of it.
  • Nobody is sure why Murderbots were made to have heads that look like human skulls. Some scientists belive it's because the ancient race that built them was metal as hell.
  • If Murderbots had been named Hugbots, they would still mostly just murder things.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Mush beefy.gif Nicesword.gif 30 This monster is a Plant muscular mushroom guy
  • The scientific name for this particular breed of mushroom is Cordyceps fisticuffs.
  • Other mushrooms in the cavern often turn to this guy to help them open stuck pickle jars.
  • In Soviet Russia, tickets to the gun show punch you!
Whiteshield.gif 30 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 20 Initiative +25%
Antlerelf.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is an Elf mutant circuit-soldering elf
  • He doesn't provide the batteries, of course. There used to be a battery-making elf, but he was assassinated by a pink rabbit.
  • With those big muscles, he doesn't really have the delicate touch needed for detailed electronics work anymore. Good thing Apple and Sony are picking up the slack for him.
  • This soldier solders like he's wielding a welding torch.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +150%
Elflimbs.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is an Elf mutant doll-dressing elf
  • Now that I think about it, it's probably just the extra arms that would help with doll-dressing. The legs, not so much.
  • Though I guess if you laid the dolls out on an assembly-line, he could run down it faster.
  • He always wished he could be the action-figure dressing elf instead, because that guy has it easy. Like, maybe there's a cape!
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +75%
Elfclaw.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is an Elf mutant gift-wrapping elf
  • Can you actually do that thing where you slice wrapping paper all the way down with a single scissors cut? Maybe my scissors aren't sharp enough.
  • He grew the extra arm so he'd have an extra finger to help him with the ribbon knots. It's a pity the new arm doesn't have any fingers.
  • Do not mention pre-made gift bags around this guy.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +75%
Mutantgila.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Beast mutant gila monster
  • The extra head and tail aren't pictured, because they're invisible. This thing is seriously mutated.
  • 'Gila' is a Hebrew name meaning 'joy', but I'm pretty sure that is a coincidence.
  • While looking up that previous factoid, I discovered that bottlenose dolphins have individual names, and pick their own names when they're infants. So I thought I'd share that with you.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Mutantsnake.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Beast mutant rattlesnake
  • The mutant rattlesnake's venom is ten times stronger than scorpion venom, but tastes a little more lemon-y, less nutty.
  • Mutant rattlesnake eggs are a little more leathery than duck's eggs, but they'll do for a frontier omelet.
  • The mutant rattlesnake has two heads, but only one brain. The left head is responsible for creativity, music, and biting; the right head is responsible for logical thinking, communication, and biting.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +75%
Mutantcactus.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Plant mutant saguaro
  • It's pronounced "Suh-WAR-oh." The G is both original and silent.
  • A saguaro can store up to a gallon of water within its trunk, or a gallon of gin if it's trying to hide its drinking habit.
  • Saguaros grow their limbs at different angles and heights to keep from falling over. It's like a slow motion drunken stumble.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Elfhulk.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is an Elf mutant whistle-carving elf
  • Guy that strong, he should be carving um... what's a really big whistle. Wooden air-raid siren?
  • His legs are really really tired.
  • Wanna know why he's whittling? Because that's what you do in a town where a yellow light still means 'slow down' instead of 'speed up'.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +100%
Alielephant.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Horror mutated alielephant
  • Mutated alielephants aren't frightened by mice, but neither are regular elephants. It's a myth.
  • Alielephants eat only grotesquely mutated peanuts and genetically modified hay.
  • Alielephants' mucus is corrosive, so don't let it blow its trunk at you.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Mutantalielf.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Horror mutated alielf
  • One of those alielf's heads is growing out of its butt, but it's difficult to tell which one. Even the alien itself is unsure, and the two heads frequently argue about it.
  • The alielfs' peculiarly-shaped heads evolved to reduce wind resistance and drag when chasing down prey.
  • The alielfs' natural enemy is is cargo-lifter, and the two species frequently compete for territory in moonbase warehouses.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +100%

References

  • The first fact about the malevolent crop circle is a reference to the Soul Coughing song "Circles".
  • Marvin J. Sunny's entry about getting a portrait painted is a reference to the board game Monopoly, where the property Marvin Gardens costs $280.
  • The line about Mortimer Strauss using the whole chicken may be a reference to a joke in one of the Discworld books about how the difference between "kinky" and "perverted" is like the difference between using a feather and using the whole chicken.
  • The mega frog's entries reference the Adventure Time episode "The Hard Easy", where a group of legged fishes called mud scamps are harassed by a giant frog that turns out to be a cursed prince.
  • The motorhead's entries reference "Please Don't Touch", "Killed By Death", and "White Line Fever", three songs by Motörhead, an English hard rock band. Its lead singer, Ian "Lemmy" Kilmister, has remarkably large moles on his face.
  • "White line fever" is another name for highway hypnosis, and also the title of Lemmy's (see previous ref) autobiography.