Monster Manuel (D)

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There are 76 creatures filed under D.

Monster Manuel Entries
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Other
Dad machine.gif Nicesword.gif 42000 This monster is a Horror Dad Sea Monkee
  • Dad enjoys relaxing in his den after a hard day's work.
  • Dad's favorite things are his armchair, his pipe, and his family.
  • Dad is always was always is always was always is always was always is always was always
Whiteshield.gif 42000 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 4200 Always wins initiative
Daftpunk.gif Nicesword.gif 160 This monster is a Dude daft punk
  • This guy is neither daft nor punk. Is it irony, or just a low vocabulary?
  • No one has seen the daft punk with his helmet off. Scientists hypothesize that there are a lot of blinking lights, gauges, and a super-intelligent hamster in there.
  • The daft punk's work is never over, but given his job is to play music and dance, it's not that big a deal.
Whiteshield.gif 144 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 210 Initiative +75%
Biggoat.gif Nicesword.gif 68 This monster is a Beast dairy goat
  • Mountain goats are excellent climbers, and can scale cliffs that are extremely difficult for human climbers. If you're forced by destiny to find and milk one to make cheese, you can consider it a real feta fate feat.
  • Goats are frequently associated with devils because of their horrible creepy eyes, and their tendancy to trick humans out of their souls.
  • Goats do not actually eat tin cans, but they will drink all the coolant right out of your car's radiator.
Whiteshield.gif 61 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 50 Initiative +80%
Ooze.gif Nicesword.gif 13 This monster is a Slime dairy ooze
  • The dairy ooze is only 2% milkfat, but the rest of it is pure rage.
  • The dairy ooze is well past its expiration date, which technically makes it undead.
  • The dairy ooze has a pretty hefty stench around it. Like they say, nothing stinks like dairy air.
Whiteshield.gif 11 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 8 Initiative +60%
Daisy2.gif Nicesword.gif 200 This monster is a Demon Daisy the Unclean
  • Daisy was always interested in forbidden things, but only forbidden things that smelled really bad.
  • Among her schoolmates, she had the nickname Daisy the Unclean even before she started meddling with cow corruption.
  • When Daisy was a toddler, the best way to convince her to eat her vegetables was to let them rot and tell her not to eat them.
Whiteshield.gif 180 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 400 Initiative +100%
Dirtyape.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Beast damned dirty ape
  • Abraham Lincoln was secretly an ape.
  • This is because most people didn't believe in evolution at the time that he was president.
  • Something you don't know counts as a secret. It's just science.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Mush dancing.gif Nicesword.gif 20 This monster is a Plant dancing mushroom guy
  • Mushrooms make much better pets than rocks.
  • Contrary to popular belief, toads do not use mushrooms as stools. They use them as toilets.
  • Mushrooms are unable to lie, but they can tell when other people are lying.
Whiteshield.gif 35 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 20 Initiative +100%
Chad.gif Nicesword.gif 210 This monster is an Orc Danglin' Chad
  • In the year 2000, "dangling chad" was a topical and hilarious joke.
  • Dangling Chad first appeared in the Kingdom of Loathing in 2007.
  • Heavy drinking can make you stupid in as little as seven years.
Whiteshield.gif 189 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 320 Initiative +80%
Rorshach.gif Nicesword.gif 99999 This monster is an Elemental darkness
  • The darkness is a pretty mean... whatever-it-is, but at least it doesn't shoot you in the chest with a pneumatic grappling hook gun. That must hurt like hell.
  • They say that the forms the darkness takes are based on the viewer's own personality and inner fears. ...Uh, maybe you should consider talking to a therapist?
  • I dunno about you, but to me it looks like he's wearing a big bow-tie.
Whiteshield.gif 89999 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 99999 Never wins initiative
Bath showerhead.gif Nicesword.gif 140 This monster is a Beast Deadly Hydra
  • The plural of hydra is "hydrox."
  • If you cut the tail off a hydra, two more won't grow in its place, but you will have made a hydra very, very angry.
  • The best way to kill a hydra is to feed it bacon until it dies of cardiac arrest.
Whiteshield.gif 140 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 180 Initiative +750%
Venomtrout.gif Nicesword.gif 130 This monster is a Fish deadly venomtrout
  • Venomtrout are delicious when baked, but you have to be careful to get all of the various poison glands and sacs out first. They comprise almost 80% of the venomtrout's body.
  • Venomtrout have a poor memory for faces, and you shouldn't be offended if it doesn't remember fanging you previously.
  • Venomtrout cannot drive cars. Okay, well, most fish can't drive cars.
Whiteshield.gif 117 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +50%
Vice.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Construct deadly vise
  • If your only tool is a vise, every problem looks like it needs to be crushed.
  • Every young clamp dreams of the day it will grow up to be a vise.
  • To protect your eyes while working with a vise, make sure and wear a vise visor. That's right, I advise vise visoring.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Shiv dead.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Plant deadwood tree
  • If you make a music box out of the wood from a deadwood tree, any song you try to play on it will come out as a dirge.
  • If you make a divining rod out of a deadwood branch, it will lead you to the nearest prostitute instead of the nearest water.
  • Occasionally, a deadwood tree will be born with a genetic speech abnormality that causes it to refer to its enemies as "clocksuckers."
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Deathray.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct death ray in a pear tree
  • Death ray growth is actually a natural (though rare) pear tree mutation. The Crimborg simply activated the correct gene sequence in the tree's DNA.
  • This is why you basically never see pear pie. They're too dangerous to harvest.
  • The ray beams smell exactly like pears! Although it's difficult to get an opportunity to smell that, since the gun has to fire like right under your nose while you're inhaling.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Borgelf4.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct Decal-Applying Elfborg
  • Don't make fun of the space marine that runs the space marine daycare. Where do you think your kid learned to field-strip that bolter rifle?
  • These decals used to have to be applied with a bowl of water and an x-acto knife, but the Crimborg couldn't figure out how to usefully transplant a bowl of water to someone's wrist, so they switched to regular stickers.
  • When he was first assimilated, he got his revenge by sticking "annihilate me" stickers on soldier's backs, but they figured out who was doing it pretty quickly.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 80 Never wins initiative
Lumberjack.gif Nicesword.gif 35 This monster is a Dude decent lumberjack
  • You might expect lumberjacks to be big partiers, but in fact they work extremely hard all day, and therefore tend to spend the entire night sleeping.
  • Almost 90% of barbers wish that they were actually lumberjacks.
  • Almost 90% of lumberjacks are not Monty Python fans, and will take offense if you suggest they might be transsexuals.
Whiteshield.gif 31 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 35 Initiative +60%
Whiteshark.gif Nicesword.gif 425 This monster is a Fish decent white shark
  • The decent white shark once threw the residents of a small coastal town into a mild tizzy.
  • If you encounter a decent white shark on the surface, you're going to need a marginally roomier boat.
  • The decent white shark's skeleton is made entirely of cartilage, so if it helps you to be less intimidated, imagine it's a giant swimming ear.
Whiteshield.gif 337 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 600 Initiative +150%
5 4a.gif Nicesword.gif 200 This monster is a Demon Demon of New Wave
  • The Demon of New Wave doesn't drink and doesn't smoke. No one knows what he does do.
  • The Demon of New Wave is so fine, he's so fine he'll blow your mind.
  • Whether or not you take on the Demon of New Wave, or he takes on you, he'll be gone in a day or two.
Whiteshield.gif 180 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 500 Initiative +100%
Demfridge.gif Nicesword.gif 21 This monster is a Demon demonic icebox
  • This fridge has magnetic poetry tiles on it with phrases like "eternal suffering" and "disemboweled penitent."
  • In addition to the hellish leftovers, there's a box of Leg & Screwdriver baking sulfur in there, to make sure nothing smells fresh.
  • If your toddler happens to draw Choronzon, the tri-mouthed devourer, this fridge is the perfect place to display the art.
Whiteshield.gif 19 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 21 Initiative +50%
Jigsaw.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Demon demonic jigsaw
  • A regular jigsaw will cut through your thumb just as soon as look at you, so the demonic one is unbelievably dangerous.
  • Most jigsaw puzzles are cut with lasers nowadays, which is why you see more and more jigsaws begging for spare meat under overpasses.
  • The jigsaw was initially named for the dance the first guy to use one did when he sliced his palm with it.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +20%
Demoninja.gif Nicesword.gif 48 This monster is a Demon Demoninja
  • Most demoninjas work giving out free food samples at big box stores in Hey Deze.
  • Demoninjas have more killing power in their little fingers than most ninjas have in their ring fingers. It's a subtle difference.
  • Under a demoninja's mask is another mask. Under that mask is a pair of pants."
Whiteshield.gif 27 This monster is Hot.  Hot is weak against Sleaze and Stench.
Hp1.gif 48 Initiative +75%
Liana.gif Nicesword.gif 144 This monster is a Plant dense liana
  • A female liana is known as a lianess.
  • The only way for Superman to defeat a liana is with a nail.
  • If you have two friends, one of whom is named Li and the other of whom is named Ana, it's probably best not to introduce them, because their union is foretold to bring about the Child Who Consumes The World.
Whiteshield.gif 140 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Never wins initiative
Wanderacc1.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude depressing French accordionist
  • Bal-musette is the name of the music the French accordionist plays. It is so named because it was offered as tribute to Bal-Muse, the god of lengthy sighs.
  • The French accordionist doesn't shave her armpits, which is a perfectly normal and acceptable personal choice, and is also really gross.
  • The French accordionist is always chain-smoking. Oh, she knows that cigarettes will kill you. She's counting on it.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Hunter8.gif Nicesword.gif 64 This monster is a Dude Deputy Nick Soames & Earl
  • Nick Soames' middle name is 'O'teen.
  • Earl Soames' middle name is 'Ofduke.'
  • The Soames family crest depicts two shotguns crossed over a zombie rampant.
Whiteshield.gif 63 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 83 Initiative +80%
Goldfarmer.gif Nicesword.gif 80 This monster is a Dude desperate gold farmer
  • "Gold farmer" is kind of a misnomer, because no seeds or plows are involved.
  • Actually, Monsanto is working on genetically engineering gold seeds.
  • Gold Farming may sound like a cushy job, but if you really want to play the same game all day every day and in the most tedious and soul-crushing way possible, you should get a job in QA instead.
Whiteshield.gif 80 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 95 Initiative +50%
Smoochboss4.gif Nicesword.gif 220 This monster is a Dude Deuce Freshly
  • The smoking guitar was cool, but kind of a step backwards from the bar Hendrix had set.
  • Real-life astronauts are generally not that spangly.
  • I am entirely out of things to say about these guys.
Whiteshield.gif 180 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 400 Initiative +125%
Spelunkdevil.gif Nicesword.gif 60 This monster is a Demon devil
  • A devil's spikes don't fully grow in until it hits puberty.
  • When a devil hits puberty, it gets even meaner than it was as a child, and it was pretty mean even back then.
  • Something about devils makes you think a lot about puberty. Maybe you should talk to your therapist about that.
Whiteshield.gif 60 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 60 Never wins initiative
Diamondback.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Beast diamondback rattler
  • Diamondback rattlers evolved to camouflage themselves in poker games, similarly to the green felt cobra.
  • The difference between poison and venom is that poison is when you bite it, and venom is when it bites you. There is also 'blenor', which is when the two of you come to a mutual agreement.
  • Some diamondback rattlers are actually cubic zirconiumbacks, which are non-venomous.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +75%
Digitalug.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Humanoid digital underground dweller
  • The digital underground dwellers' sects packets explain the ways of their religion, but are riddled with logical inconsistencies and grammatical errors.
  • Digital underground dwellers have a ranking system that goes from 8-bit Acolyte up to the High Petaflop.
  • Digital underground dwellers have no word for 'maybe.'
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Dinnertroll.gif Nicesword.gif 2 This monster is a Construct dinner troll
  • Despite its name, you should never invite one of these guys to dinner.
  • One of two things will happen: one of your guests will eat it, or it will eat one of your guests. Either way, it'll be awkward.
  • To avoid this awkwardness, it's probably a good idea to murder all of your friends so you won't be tempted to have a dinner party at all.
Whiteshield.gif 1 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 2 Never wins initiative
Direpigeon.gif Nicesword.gif 2 This monster is a Beast dire pigeon
  • Some people call pigeons sky rats. Dire pigeons call those people victims.
  • The real reason dire pigeons hang out on statues of people is so they can learn how to more effectively exploit our anatomy and kill us.
  • D'yer Pigeon is the least well-known Led Zeppelin B-side.
Whiteshield.gif 1 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 2 Never wins initiative
Hippy2.gif Nicesword.gif 40 This monster is a Hippy dirty hippy
  • Why don't dirty hippies get jobs as garbagemen? It seems like that would be right up their alley. ...Oh, right, because they don't believe in jobs.
  • Once in a while, a scientist will kidnap some dirty hippies to use as test subjects for experimental deodorants and colognes and the like. They don't usually get a chance to publish their results before the test equipment explodes.
  • Some people theorize that if you washed all the dirt off of a dirty hippie, there'd be nothing left.
Whiteshield.gif 36 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 30 Initiative +70%
Hippy2.gif Nicesword.gif 40 This monster is a Hippy dirty hippy jewelry maker
  • Hippies make excellent jewelry makers, because the hippy lifestyle is so dull that sitting around threading beads onto a string is actually an exciting prospect for them.
  • The tendancy of hippies to not wash is actually because the extra layers of grime help to protect their skin from the rough, fibrous, "all-natural" string they use in their ugly bracelets and necklaces.
  • If you took all the hemp bracelets and necklaces made by Loathingian hippies over the past ten years, and tied the strings into a single long cord, most people would wonder why the hell you were doing that and don't you have a job?
Whiteshield.gif 36 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 30 Initiative +70%
Hippy2.gif Nicesword.gif 40 This monster is a Hippy dirty hippy Vegan chef
  • Since a lot of fruit has started to overripen by the time it falls off the tree, many hippy chefs have assistants whose job it is to stand under the tree and catch anything that falls, so it can be used immediately.
  • If a hippy vegan chef tells you that something doesn't grow on trees, you should probably believe her. She's likely to be one of the few true experts on the subject.
  • Some hippy chefs go so far as to not chop or cook the vegetables they use, out of respect for the plants. Even other hippies are kind of sick of those guys.
Whiteshield.gif 36 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 30 Initiative +70%
Dirtyoldlihc.gif Nicesword.gif 60 This monster is Undead dirty old lihc
  • Scientists speculate that wearing giant aviator-size, lightly-tinted prescription glasses actually compels people to become creepy. Like, they have no choice.
  • The dirty old lihc's tentacles are among the most unclean substances in the Kingdom, just below a filthworm's filthhole.
  • No, the dirty old lihc doesn't have any candy or a puppy in his van. He doesn't even have a van.
Whiteshield.gif 54 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 50 Initiative +50%
Bandit.gif Nicesword.gif 169 This monster is a Dude dirty thieving brigand
  • A brigand is less noble than a scoundrel and less handsome than a bandit.
  • The brigand's bandana is less about hiding his identity and more about covering up his bad breath.
  • The brigand keeps his bankroll stashed in a sock stuffed into his codpiece.
Whiteshield.gif 153 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 185 Initiative +50%
Dinbox.gif Nicesword.gif 18 This monster is a Construct disease-in-the-box
  • Symptoms may include: wet heaves, dry sweats, invisible headaches, "knuckle elbow", and ennui.
  • Diseases are frequently stored in boxes for safe transport between various medical and scientific facilities. Nobody knows what the spring is for.
  • If you think you may have been infected, consult your local doctor or pharmacist. Or cleric. Or shaman. Or jeez, just drink a healing potion or something. How is being sick ever a problem in this genre?
Whiteshield.gif 16 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 14 Initiative +80%
Divingbelle.gif Nicesword.gif 400 This monster is Undead diving belle
  • The only accessory that hasn't been recovered from the diving belle is her clutchin' pearls.
  • In life, the diving belle enjoyed such down-home phrases as "well, kiss my grits!" and "he's so confused he doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt."
  • A proper mint julep is made with crushed ice and served in a silver cup. A proper mint julep is also two shots of whiskey with a little mint syrup stirred in, so it's no wonder those belles were always fainting.
Whiteshield.gif 450 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 750 Initiative +50%
Batboss docclock.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude Doc Clock
  • This isn't the last you'll be seeing of Doc Clock -- he takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'.
  • Doc Clock is extremely punctual, in the sense that he's fun to punch.
  • Doc Clock tries to avoid being caught by the police, because he can only put his hands in the air when it's noon.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +100%
Rudolph-the-Red.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Beast Doc, the Reindeer
  • Every band of thugs needs one guy who knows some first-aid. I think it's actually an OSHA rule.
  • A gang's doctor is usually the biggest drinker, because they get dibs on the booze for antisceptic purposes.
  • They're also usually the dirtiest fighter, because they know exactly where and how to cause the most damage.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Js oh.gif Nicesword.gif 40 This monster is a Humanoid Doctor Oh, the Junksprite Boss
  • Doctor Oh also writes novels in his spare time. They're all in different genres and modes, but somehow all of them include the idea that Internet access should be free and universal.
  • Doctor Oh likes to remix pop culture in his hackspace, if you know what I mean.
  • Doctor Oh spends his spare time traveling the Kingdom in a high-altitude balloon, sharing information with anyone who will listen. Usually, nobody does.
Whiteshield.gif 40 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 60 Never wins initiative
Pede.gif Nicesword.gif 12 This monster is a Bug dodecapede
  • Dodecapede venom contains an anesthetic agent, so at least you won't die in agony. Oh, you'll still die, of course, just sans the agony.
  • However, since dodecapede venom also contains a paralytic, scientists aren't 100% sure if there's no pain, or their subjects were just unable to scream.
  • If you wonder how scientists go mad, think of the poor grad students who had to inject people with dodecapede venom. It's a short leap from there to world-destroying cyborg hamsters.
Whiteshield.gif 10 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 8 Initiative +60%
Dogalien.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Horror dog-alien
  • Outside of this alien, a dog is man's best friend. Inside of this alien, you'll get boiled to death by the acid.
  • Dog-aliens love to play fetch, but their acidic saliva means you're going to go through a whole lot of tennis balls.
  • Some invasion survivors have attempted to train seeing-eye dog-aliens to help elves who were blinded in the fighting. This went even more poorly than you might expect.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Catdog.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Horror dogcat
  • Do you know how the digestive tract of the dogcat works? Good. You're better off not knowing, believe me.
  • The dogcat is only a serious threat the 30% of the time it isn't chasing itself in circles.
  • The cat end of the dogcat has retractable claws, but the dog end doesn't.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Iceguy2.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude Dolores D. Smiley
  • Dolores took pictures of all of her cats,
    When especially lonely, she'd dress them in hats.
  • Dolores had rabbits, some birds, and a ferret,
    She'd sit in their cages with them, eating carrots.
  • At heart, poor Dolores was deeply unhappy,
    That's why she enjoyed all those catchphrases sappy.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +50%
Donerbagon.gif Nicesword.gif 90 This monster is Undead Donerbagon
  • Fortunately, dragon bones have easy snap-together nubs, like childrens' model kits.
  • Did you know that this is monster #1666? Spooooooky, right?
  • Don't sing "Dem Bones" at him. He hates that song.
Whiteshield.gif 81 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 120 Initiative +90%
Dwarf dopey.gif Nicesword.gif 53 This monster is a Humanoid dopey 7-Foot Dwarf
  • Its[sic] not that he's dopey, per se, it's just that he's not challenged by traditional curricula.
  • We don't mean "dopey" as in "does a lot of dope," either. He's got it under control and he can quit any time.
  • The straight dope on the dopey dwarf is that he got pigeonholed by his peers and he can't break away from their labeling of him.
Whiteshield.gif 47 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 40 Initiative +50%
Rudolph-the-Red.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Beast Dopey, the Reindeer
  • Dopey is easy to spot, because he's the one without a beard.
  • Okay yes, none of the reindeer have beards. But in Dopey's case, it's especially true.
  • Also he keeps licking his wrists, and that's really weird.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Doubtman.gif Nicesword.gif 40 This monster is a Dude Doubt Man
  • Doubt Man's doctor keeps telling him he needs to lose a few pounds.
  • Doubt Man's doctor frequently loses the courage of his convictions when examining Doubt Man.
  • Doubt Man's doctor thinks that Doubt Man is fit as a fiddle.
Whiteshield.gif 40 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +50%
Doughbat.gif Nicesword.gif 14 This monster is a Beast doughbat
  • No matter how hard you beat it down, the doughbat will always rise again. At least it will while its yeast cultures are still active.
  • When fried in oil, the doughbat turns into a delicious doughnutbat. Well, the bat part's not that great, but the doughnut's pretty good.
  • I recommend cooking a doughbat at 450 degrees for an hour, or until the edges are golden brown, and it's stopped squeaking.
Whiteshield.gif 12 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 8 Initiative +60%
Aquard.gif Nicesword.gif 180 This monster is a Dude Dr. Aquard
  • Like all of the Rain King's subjects, Dr. Aquard is made of sentient water. In this case, kind of soft water.
  • Dr. Aquard has perfect vision; he just wears the spectacles for effect.
  • Dr. Aquard's bowler hat is made of ten gallons of water. So technically, it's the wrong shape.
Whiteshield.gif 165 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 260 Never wins initiative
Drawkward.gif Nicesword.gif 175 This monster is a Dude Dr. Awkward
  • In his spare time, Doctor Awkward is a nerdcore rapper.
  • Doctor Awkward's creepy little glasses are tri-focals, for reading, driving, and torturing.
  • Doctor Awkward won the Drowsy Sword in a rap battle against the legendary Flow Wolf.
Whiteshield.gif 157 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 200 Never wins initiative
Braddarb.gif Nicesword.gif 136 This monster is a Dude Drab Bard
  • The drab bard didn't used to be so dull. He had a techno hit with "Party Boobytrap" back in the day.
  • The drab bard's dullest song is the 25-minute-long "Laminated E.T. Animal," which features a 5-minute snoring solo.
  • The drab bard is also an accomplished swordsmith. His business card reads, "I made border bard’s drowsy swords; drab, red robed am I."
Whiteshield.gif 124 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 170 Initiative +40%
Droll.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Humanoid droll
  • The droll is both hirsute and wears rabbit skins, so it can say it's covered in hare hair. Har har.
  • The droll is less likely than a troll to resort to physical violence, preferring to exercise its wit.
  • Drolls don't really like arguing so much as showing off how clever they are.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Dropbase.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Slime dropped base
  • When it's not terrorizing students, the dropped base makes soap.
  • It also enjoys leaving lip prints on delusional mid-twenties guys who need a near-life experience.
  • We recommend not trying to get to first base with a dropped base, as that would dissolve your lips."
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +20%
Drownedsailor.gif Nicesword.gif 400 This monster is Undead drowned sailor
  • Before he drowned, this sailor could hoist a tops'l up a mizzenmast while playing a rondel on a hornpipe. I have no idea what half of those words mean.
  • This sailor drowned because someone put him in the scuppers with a hosepipe on him, early in the morning.
  • This sailor wasn't a member of the Moon Sailors Union. You can tell because he's not wearing a schoolgirl skirt and bright pink pigtails.
Whiteshield.gif 405 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 700 Initiative +50%
Drownedbeat.gif Nicesword.gif 400 This monster is a Dude drownedbeat
  • Seriously, the only thing interesting about the drownedbeat is that he didn't return his rental bike. It's pretty sad.
  • I mean, he didn't even have any hobbies.
  • He never learned to knit. He never took a cooking class. He...excuse me, I have to go make something of my life.
Whiteshield.gif 325 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 450 Initiative +25%
Fr druidplant.gif Nicesword.gif 150 This monster is a Plant druid plants
  • I'm not normally prone to hay fever myself, but writing this fight made my eyes itch.
  • The stagehands that manage this area work half shifts, because all the Benedryl makes them too sleepy to work a whole day.
  • Poison ivy is absolutely the worst.
Whiteshield.gif 150 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 300 Never wins initiative
Drunkpoke.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude drunk cowpoke
  • Well, video games haven't been invented yet, so what else are they gonna do, if not drink?
  • Oh, and poke cows. That's the other thing they do besides drink, is poke cows.
  • Did they get paid for poking cows? It seems like an easy job. Well, at least before, you know...
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Ducknicedrunk.gif Nicesword.gif 165 This monster is a Beast drunk duck
  • Ducks cannot belch (despite reports from many adventurers who claim to have seen them belch fire). They can, however, puke like nobody's business.
  • In some cultures, seeing a duck throw up is considered an omen of great good fortune, depending on what it's throwing up on and whether it belongs to you.
  • The gray goose that the famous brand of vodka was named after was, in fact, a duck. The name of the vodka was changed because "Gray Duck Puking On The Sidewalk In Front Of My House" was deemed insufficently fancy-sounding.
Whiteshield.gif 157 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 170 Initiative +40%
Drunkgoat.gif Nicesword.gif 68 This monster is a Beast drunk goat
  • The drunk goat's favorite booze is whichever comes in the biggest bottle.
  • A single drunk goat can drink its body weight in booze in just under an hour.
  • The drunk goat's strong jaws and iron stomach let it drink a beer and then eat the can, too. Efficient!
Whiteshield.gif 61 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 50 Initiative +70%
Pyg drunk.gif Nicesword.gif 150 This monster is a Dude drunk pygmy
  • Drunk pygmies are less likely to go around hugging random people and more apt to shoot random people with a blowgun.
  • Drunk pygmies frequently get one-and-a-half sheets to the wind.
  • It only takes a couple of thimbles full of booze to get a regular pygmy tipsy, but real career drunk pygmies require a teacup or more.
Whiteshield.gif 130 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 160 Initiative +20%
Drunkminer.gif Nicesword.gif 8 This monster is a Humanoid drunken 7-foot dwarf
  • 7-foot dwarves like their whiskey extra-salty -- every bottle is made with seven grams of sea-salt.
  • Dwarven mining helmets are made incredibly tough, because mining is very tedious work, and it's unrealistic to expect the dwarf swinging his pickaxe next to you to not be completely liquored-up.
  • Dwarves drink to forget. Sometimes they drink to forget about the nameless horrors they've unleashed by digging too deep, but usually it's just old girlfriends.
Whiteshield.gif 9 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 7 Initiative +40%
Hobo.gif Nicesword.gif 1 This monster is a Hobo drunken half-orc hobo
  • Most half-orc hobos are awful typists, but they have surprisingly neat handwriting.
  • In the past, many people have wondered if the half-orc hobo is the result of crossbreeding an orcish frat boy with a regular hobo. They continue to wonder, to this very day.
  • You should never give a half-orc hobo money, because he'll just spend it on booze. Give him booze instead, and cut out the middleman.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 1 Initiative +40%
Rat.gif Nicesword.gif 10 This monster is a Beast drunken rat
  • Reeking of booze actually improves the drunken rat's usual smell.
  • Coffee will not sober up a drunken rat; it will just be more alert and still drunk.
  • A bacon sandwich is a scientifically proven hangover cure. Bacon, man. Is there anything it can't do?
Whiteshield.gif 9 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 8 Initiative +60%
Ratking.gif Nicesword.gif 40 This monster is a Beast drunken rat king
  • Surprisingly, these rats are usually sober when they first get stuck together.
  • Many people believe that the center of a tangle of rat tails contains a radioactive pellet, but they are wrong -- it usually contains a golf ball.
  • Tickling the tangle of tails in the center of a rat king is a good way to trick the rats into biting one another instead of you. Rats are stupid.
Whiteshield.gif 36 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 32 Initiative +100%
Kok drunk.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude Drunken Tropical Vacationer
  • Vacationing while drunk is a tradition dating back to the ancient Egyptians. In fact, the word "vacation" is Egyptian for "get wasted far away".
  • Many vacationers will attempt to drink at as many locations as possible as they travel. This is both a terrible idea and an awesome idea, which is the best kind of idea.
  • Epcot was built specifically to facilitate drinking around the world. The rides are just there to give the kids something to do.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Zomhobo.gif Nicesword.gif 1 This monster is Undead drunken zombie half-orc hobo
  • I hope you aren't planning to drink that guy's wine. His lips have been on that bottle.
  • Pop quiz: Are those boozles around his head, or flies?
  • You can do anything. Anything at all. The only limit is yourself. Welcome.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 1 Initiative +40%
Fr vampire.gif Nicesword.gif 300 This monster is a Construct Duke Vampire
  • LyleCo is definitely not developing mind-control technology.
  • Any time you think LyleCo is experimenting with mind-control technology, that's one of LyleCo's competitors using mind-control technology on you to slander LyleCo.
  • LyleCo is amazing. You love LyleCo. You want LyleCo to provide you with every good and service until the day you die and have a nice, dignified LyleCo funeral.
Whiteshield.gif 300 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +200%
Aboo dipshit.gif Nicesword.gif 72 This monster is Undead Dusken Raider Ghost
  • The Duskwalker chronicles are incredibly popular with teenage girls and sexually-frustrated housewives, despite being one of the most poorly written documents in the known universe.
  • The only thing more poorly written than the Duskwalker chronicles is the fan fiction based on the Duskwalker chronicles.
  • But you can kind of understand the appeal. I mean, what woman doesn't want a verbally abusive, emotionally distant, undead pedophile to trade awkward pauses with?
Whiteshield.gif 68 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 40 Never wins initiative
Straw spooky.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct Dutch Angle straw house
  • I mean, you've got to expect a straw house to collapse, but did it have to collapse in such a spooky and unsettling way?
  • Scientists aren't sure whether spooky pigs are drawn to spooky houses, or whether the spooky house turns the pigs spooky.
  • The Dutch Angle straw house is at least more pleasant than the Dutch Oven straw house. Sorry.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Dwarfgnome.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Humanoid dwarvish gnome
  • The dwarvish gnome is trying to grow a beard to be more dwarvish. He's been at it for a year and almost has a five o'clock shadow.
  • You would not believe how strange a gnome's skeleton looks. Try and picture it. Am I right?
  • The G in 'gnome' isn't silent, it's just impossible for any species with a neck to pronounce.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Dweebie.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude dweebie
  • Your average dweebie can secrete a gallon of oil from his face in an average day. More if he's nervous about asking a girl to the prom.
  • Dweebies wear suspenders because they are far more efficient and effective at holding up pants than a belt. It never occurs to him that they're also more ridiculous looking.
  • A true dweebie can say "I love you" in at least three fictional languages, but has never said it to anyone except his parents.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +20%
Colaoff2.gif Nicesword.gif 30 This monster is a Dude Dyspepsi-Cola General
  • Generals in the Dyspepsi-Cola army frequently engage in reconstructive facial surgery, due to jaw infections brought on by their rotting teeth.
  • Dyspepsi-Cola generals don't care if you're black or white, so long as you drink the correct brand of fizzy sugar-water.
  • Many causalties were taken on the Dyspepsi-Cola side when it turned out they had accidentally recruited several werewolves as generals.
Whiteshield.gif 27 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 40 Initiative +50%
Colasol2.gif Nicesword.gif 30 This monster is a Dude Dyspepsi-Cola Knight
  • Cloaca-Cola can clean copper discs, but Dyspepsi-Cola can dissolve the discs entirely.
  • Dyspepsi-Cola is a little sweeter than Cloaca-Cola, but contains just as much phosphoric acid.
  • In a pinch, you can pour Dyspepsi-Cola into the tank of your meatcar, if you want to ruin your meatcar forever.
Whiteshield.gif 27 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 35 Initiative +50%
Colasol2.gif Nicesword.gif 30 This monster is a Dude Dyspepsi-Cola Soldier
  • The secret ingredient in Dyspepsi-Cola is sugar. Okay, I guess it isn't that big a secret.
  • If you filled a bathtub with Dyspepsi-Cola and immersed yourself in it for three hours, you would drown.
  • The cherry flavoring in Wild Cherry Dyspepsi is made from termites.
Whiteshield.gif 27 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 30 Initiative +50%

References

  • The daft punk's second entry is a reference to Narbonic where super-intelligent hamsters use android bodies.
  • "Dangling Chads" were a deciding feature in the assumed stolen 2000 US Presidential Election.
  • The decent lumberjack's third factoid mentions Monty Python's ubiquitous "The Lumberjack Song".
  • The drowned sailor's third factoid is a reference to Sailor Moon.
  • The Dyspepsi-Cola General's factoids all cock a snook at Michael Jackson, the sometime face of Pepsi. Particularly: his love of plastic surgery; the song "Black or White"; and the video for the song "Thriller" in which Michael plays an unlikely werewolf.