Monster Manuel (C)

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There are 129 creatures filed under C, and 1 unobtainable entry.

Monster Manuel Entries
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Other
Chum5.gif Nicesword.gif 260 This monster is a Humanoid C. H. U. M.
  • The C.H.U.M. are one of the few sentient civilizations with no culture or art, unless you count poo-flinging, but that's more of a sport.
  • The C.H.U.M. language has a hundred words for "sewage" and no word for "hello."
  • C.H.U.M. have no noses. They smell terribly, but can't smell the terrible smells down in the sewer.
Whiteshield.gif 229 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 200 Never wins initiative
Chumchief.gif Nicesword.gif 330 This monster is a Humanoid C. H. U. M. chieftain
  • The C.H.U.M. Chieftain is selected through a trial by stabbing.
  • The C.H.U.M. Chieftain's power is absolute, though he is advised by a C.H.U.M. parliament.
  • Any warrior can challenge the Chieftain for leadership of the tribe, but most don't want to fill out the lengthy admissions form.
Whiteshield.gif 270 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 400 Initiative +40%
Carnivore.gif Nicesword.gif 210 This monster is a Hippy C.A.R.N.I.V.O.R.E. Operative
  • C.A.R.N.I.V.O.R.E. operatives are morally opposed to keeping pets, so they just release the animals they save into the nearest comparable habitat. That's why there's a laundry room in the frat house that's full of ducks.
  • C.A.R.N.I.V.O.R.E.s don't eat meat or eggs, and they don't drink milk, but they will murder a soy burger with malice aforethought.
  • C.A.R.N.I.V.O.R.E.s don't have special powers because they're vegan, unless "always talking about your life choices" is a superpower.
Whiteshield.gif 189 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 320 Initiative +80%
Animbear.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Construct Cbzzter the Grisly Bear
  • Even when it was in perfect working order, this thing was terrifying.
  • It has never been conclusively proven that all people who build animatronic talking animals hate children. Probably some of them just want to bring their horrible nightmares to life for some reason.
  • For the love of god and all that is holy, don't ask it to sing "Happy Birthday".
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Laundrycabinet.gif Nicesword.gif 142 This monster is Undead cabinet of Dr. Limpieza
  • Dr. Limpieza is known for filling the labels of his products with indecipherable rants in at least three different languages.
  • Dr. Limpieza believed that cleanliness was not only next to godliness, but superior to godliness.
  • Dr. Limpieza's floors were so clean you could eat off of them. In fact, he insisted you do.
Whiteshield.gif 148 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +25%
Cactuary.gif Nicesword.gif 137 This monster is a Plant cactuary
  • The second most common cause of early death for cactuaries is their only known natural predator, the werewren.
  • The most common cause of early death for cactuaries is Adventurers.
  • The third most common cause of early death for cactuaries is hypertension caused by overly tight neckties.
Whiteshield.gif 126 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 139 Initiative +10%
Cakelord.gif Nicesword.gif 5 This monster is a Construct Cake Lord
  • Cake Lord was born in Hoboken, but he was exiled at a young age due to Hoboken's draconian anti-abomination laws.
  • The tragic irony of Cake Lord's miserable existence is that he doesn't even like cake.
  • If we're being honest, all of Cake Lord's songs sound pretty much the same.
Whiteshield.gif 5 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 10 Never wins initiative
Cameltoe.gif Nicesword.gif 158 This monster is a Constellation Camel's Toe
  • Astronomers aren't biologists, so identifying animals by their feet isn't really their forte. For all we know, that could be an alpaca's toe.
  • Camels don't store water in their humps. They store fat, just like your Uncle Murray.
  • Camel's toes are wide so they can cross deserts without sinking in the sand. Nothing irritates a camel like having a sandy camel toe.
Whiteshield.gif 142 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +70%
Campcook.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude camp cook
  • In England they have a very similar sort of magic, except it's based on brussels sprouts.
  • Beanslingers are more useful to have around than more traditional wizards, because nobody wants to eat eye of newt.
  • Out of all the various types of magic, bean magic has the most potassium.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +50%
Cancan.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude can-can dancer
  • The popular childrens' game "kick the can" was invented by can-can dancers, as a training exercise and a way to unwind after a long night's dancing.
  • The martial art of Thai kickboxing was invented by a tavern patron who happened to witness two can-can dancers get into a fight over who used the last of the mascara.
  • Can-can dancers have unusually strong and supple hip and thigh muscles, and when they retire from dancing, frequently get jobs rolling cigars.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +70%
Pecantree.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Plant candied pecan tree
  • Candied pecan trees can be used to make pecan pie, but pecan pie is absolutely disgusting.
  • Candied pecan trees have maple syrup instead of sap. So they're kind of like regular maple trees with a blood-coagulation disorder.
  • Candied pecan trees often grow near naturally occurring coffee springs, so the woodland creatures can have some coffee and pecan pie together.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Yamgolem.gif Nicesword.gif 1 This monster is a Construct Candied Yam Golem
  • This guy looks so surprised because, well, he's basically amazed to even be alive. Pretty much everything that happens after that gets an extra helping of WTF.
  • Little marshmallow hats used to be traditional Feast of Boris garb, but the practice eventually died out because it was dumb.
  • The Feast of Boris is one of the few times of year when you can get away with eating what is basically candy as a main side dish. It only comes once a year, because that's how long it takes to fully recover.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 1 Initiative +100%
Gourd cangoblin.gif Nicesword.gif 26 This monster is a Construct canned goblin conspirator
  • That poor goblin just thought he was getting fired. Bad day, worse day.
  • Is the goblin in the can still alive? Or is the can possessed by its ghost? Or somewhere in-between? Beats me.
  • You don't usually see these plain white labels with black lettering these days. Now it's all store-branded berserk canned goblin assassins.
Whiteshield.gif 32 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 35 Initiative +50%
Carbuncletop.gif Nicesword.gif 70 This monster is a Demon Carbuncle Top
  • The splooge coming out of Carbuncle Top is caustic and smells like burnt popcorn.
  • Carbuncle Top's massive popularity is baffling even to the most dedicated Humorologist.
  • Carbuncle Top is the top-earning entertainer in Hey Deze, but spends all of his fortune on buying more lame props.
Whiteshield.gif 63 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 70 Initiative +50%
Cargocrab.gif Nicesword.gif 450 This monster is a Fish cargo crab
  • Imitation crabmeat is mainy made from whitefish that has studied accents and dialects. Some of them do a pretty good imitation Christopher Walken, too.
  • Considering the great joy that adventurers take in smashing wooden crates to bits, these crabs could probably have chosen a better home.
  • No crabs are very social, but hermit crabs actively avoid contact with other crabs, whereas other breeds are kind of just dicks and don't have a lot of friends.
Whiteshield.gif 360 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 500 Initiative +150%
Dillplant.gif Nicesword.gif 200 This monster is a Plant carnivorous dill plant
  • Just be glad it isn't a carnivorous bay leaf, or sprig of rosemary. Those things are surprisingly vicious!
  • Contrary to popular belief, it wasn't hemlock that Socrates drank, but dill. Dill isn't inherently poisonous, but Socrates happened to be extremely allergic to it.
  • Unlike most herbs, dill is classified as a weed. Dillweed. Huh, huh.
Whiteshield.gif 180 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 180 Initiative +70%
Carniv.gif Nicesword.gif 66 This monster is a Plant Carnivorous Moxie Weed
  • Moxie weeds taste mainly of anise. Feel free to spell that differently, if you don't like the flavor of licorice.
  • Moxie weeds produce an oil that lubricates the vocal cords, making the imbiber a smoother talker. Most breath sprays contain an artificially-produced analogue of this oil.
  • In the right conditions, moxie weeds can grow up to twelve feet high, and become so potent they could get the Hunchback of Notre Dame laid.
Whiteshield.gif 59 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 56 Initiative +80%
Pa eggs.gif Nicesword.gif 30 This monster is Weird carton of Eggs of Confidence
  • Most cultures won't eat tongue, but they will eat eggs. Because, y'know, you'd hate to eat something from a creature's mouth, but the cloaca is just fine.
  • "Cloaca," by the way, is a rare example of a word sounding as foul as the thing it describes.
  • If you're having trouble peeling a hard-boiled egg, use a spoon to separate the shell from the egg. Also, add a teaspoon of baking soda to the water to make the eggs easier to peel.
Whiteshield.gif 100 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +100%
Thecastle.gif Nicesword.gif 75 This monster is a Construct Castle in the Clouds in the Sky
  • The sky giants built the Castle hundreds of years ago, using helium-infused rock called "floatstone."
  • The cloud underneath the Castle conceals several huge propellers that help keep it in the air, powered by raver giants on bicycles.
  • The sky giants must control their weight to keep the Castle afloat. Fat giants are put on a strict no-blood-of-an-englishman diet.
Whiteshield.gif 81 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 200 Initiative +10%
Catalien.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Horror cat-alien
  • The worst part of having a cat-alien as a pet is buying the titanium litter box.
  • Crazy single female aliens have been known to keep up to 50 cat-aliens in a tiny extraterrestrial trailer.
  • The smaller head inside a cat-alien is a mouse's head, due to genetic splicing and mutation. That explains why it's always in such a bad mood.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Caugr.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Demon caugr
  • Zombie cows don't typically infect other creatures with zombieism. Not because of being herbivores, because Returned Cows are definitely not herbivores. It's because there's usually nothing left of their victims.
  • Don't even bother trying to make leather out of this.
  • Is the thing bulls do called 'goring' because it's gory? Is that real or just a pun I made up? I don't know.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Spelunkcaveman.gif Nicesword.gif 40 This monster is a Dude caveman
  • Living in a cave is so easy that even a caveman can do it.
  • Living on the Edge is a caveman's favorite Aerosmith song.
  • "Living Well is the Best Revenge" is a thing a caveman would probably not appreciate even if he could read.
Whiteshield.gif 40 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 40 Never wins initiative
Cavefrat.gif Nicesword.gif 235 This monster is an Orc caveman frat boy
  • Caveman frat boys developed primitive version of many hazing rituals. The most unpleasant one was having to swim across a lake with an entire torch shoved in your butt.
  • Anthropologists speculate that caveman frat boys mated with primitive sorority orcs, and anything else that would have them.
  • Caveman frat boys invented the popped collar before they invented fire or the wheel.
Whiteshield.gif 225 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 290 Initiative +20%
Cavefrat.gif Nicesword.gif 255 This monster is an Orc caveman frat pledge
  • The baseball cap was invented by caveman frat boys, millions of years before baseball was invented. The sport was actually named after the hats.
  • Before alcohol was invented, frat boys had to come up with other ways to forget all the embarrassing things they'd done at parties. Most of these ways involved clubs.
  • Since cavemen and cavewomen dressed pretty much the same, frat boys had to come up with more creative ways to humiliate their pledges. Have you ever tried to swim with a burning tree branch in your ass? It isn't easy!
Whiteshield.gif 207 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 220 Initiative +75%
Cavehippy.gif Nicesword.gif 240 This monster is a Hippy caveman hippy
  • Caveman Hippies aren't hunter-gatherers, as hunting is cruel. They're drummer-gatherers; the men stay at home in an endless drum circle, while the women forage.
  • Caveman Hippies are the only hippies to discover fire and use it exclusively for lighting herbs on fire to inhale the smoke.
  • Caveman Hippies discovered the jam band before they discovered the wheel.
Whiteshield.gif 216 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 280 Initiative +20%
Cavesorority.gif Nicesword.gif 230 This monster is an Orc caveman sorority girl
  • Caveman sorority girls wear their hair long, to make it easier for the frat boys to drag them into their caves. This would eventually stop being necessary, with the invention of the wheelbarrow.
  • One of humankind's most important inventions, portable fire, was actually invented by a caveman sorority girl who wanted to be able to smoke-signal her friends while she was out foraging.
  • Other important caveman sorority girl inventions include tribal lower-back tattoos, painted bear claws that glue on over your real fingernails, and loincloths with the word "GRUNT" written across the ass.
Whiteshield.gif 225 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 240 Initiative +25%
Cavewomyn.gif Nicesword.gif 250 This monster is a Hippy cavewomyn hippy
  • The cavewomyn hippy demands equal pay for equal work, which is weird since no one gets paid for any work they do in prehistoric society.
  • The cavewomyn hippy rejects the portrayal of womyn in popular media (cave walls), as they set an unrealistic standard of stick-thin-ness for young girls.
  • Cavewomyn hippies don't shave their armpits or legs. I mean, in the prehistoric era, no one shaved *anything,* but the cavewomyn make a big deal about it.
Whiteshield.gif 207 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 260 Initiative +25%
Pengcement.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Penguin Cement Cobbler Penguin
  • The cement cobbler penguin once made a fetching pair of cement slippers, but got in trouble with the Don when the victim slipped right out of them.
  • The cement cobbler penguin worked his way up from a straw cobbler to a wood cobbler to a cement cobbler.
  • Cobbler cobbler cobbler cobbler. Let's see how you like it.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Centurion.gif Nicesword.gif 150 This monster is a Horror Centurion of Sparky
  • The seal Centurion's shortsword is so sharp you could shave with it.
  • "Centurion" means "commander of a hundred soldiers." But most centurions only commanded 60 or 80, because they were lazy.
  • By the way, "decimate" means "to take one out of every ten," not "to destroy completely." Just thought you should know.
Whiteshield.gif 180 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 200 Never wins initiative
Adv hot2.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude Cereal Arsonist
  • You have to burn at least thirty bowls of cereal to be considered a serial cereal arsonist.
  • Occasionally a Cereal Arsonist goes rogue, and becomes a serial cereal arsonist arsonist.
  • The ultimate quest of every Cereal Arsonist is to defeat Jaleel White using only flaming Urkel-Os. It's ultimately futile, though, because Jaleel White is undefeatable.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Chimp.gif Nicesword.gif 62 This monster is a Demon CH Imp
  • The CH Imp isn't the damned soul of a particular evil monkey; it's just a demon with a bad case of parallel evolution.
  • That said, it certainly enjoys bananas, even if they're not evil bananas.
  • Evil bananas are the ones that drop their peels where people are likely to slip on them.
Whiteshield.gif 55 This monster is Hot.  Hot is weak against Sleaze and Stench.
Hp1.gif 62 Initiative +60%
Chadalacarte.gif Nicesword.gif 250 This monster is a Dude Chad Alacarte
  • Honestly a spear is a way more reasonable choice of weapon against a vampire than a whip. Why didn't any of these guys think of that before?
  • His spear doubles as an extremely long cigarette holder.
  • I guess Bloodlines actually takes place during World War I? Which is a weird coincidence I didn't realize when I first put these characters here.
Whiteshield.gif 250 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 2000 Initiative +300%
Chalkdust.gif Nicesword.gif 25 This monster is Undead chalkdust wraith
  • Chalkdust wraiths are generally the spirits of dead schoolteachers, or children who asphyxiated while cleaning the blackboard erasers. Billiards chalk wraiths are incredibly rare.
  • Many necromancers have been dismayed to find that they've acquired a chalkdust wraith, when what they had wanted was a cocaine wraith.
  • Other similar wraiths in the same family include: the talcum powder wraith, the ground black pepper wraith, the all-purpose flour wraith, and the dustbunny.
Whiteshield.gif 23 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 25 Initiative +50%
Hunter10.gif Nicesword.gif 100 This monster is a Dude Charity the Zombie Hunter
  • Charity's catchphrase, 'two by four,' means that everything is okay, because the lumber's the right size.
  • Charity's trademark red pants are so tight that she has to peel them off with a spatula.
  • Charity's turn-offs include zombies, the undead, and people who can't spell 'zombie.'
Whiteshield.gif 99 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 121 Initiative +100%
Piratem.gif Nicesword.gif 100 This monster is a Pirate chatty pirate
  • The chatty pirate can talk up to 120 words a minute. And remember, if it doesn't say Micro Machines, it's not the real thing.
  • The chatty pirate's record for uninterrupted gabbing is seven straight hours, during which he was thrown overboard and swam back to the boat without stopping talking.
  • Chatty pirates are frequently employed as hairdressers and dental hygienists.
Whiteshield.gif 90 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 90 Initiative +50%
Strix.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Beast cheap strix
  • The Romans believed that strix feathers could be used in a love potion, because nothing's more romantic than a bloodsucking bird.
  • Strixes were also known to disembowel their victims, because none of this is terrifying enough.
  • Cheap strixes weren't quite as good at sucking blood, but they were good enough.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Mimeexec2.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Horror cheerless mime executive
  • Mime CEOs can't really yell at their subordinates, but they can wave their arms around a lot, and that's why they don't have a lot of potted plants.
  • Mime CEOs are fine with unions as long as they're invisible unions.
  • Mime CEOs have golden parachutes, but it's hard to tell because the parachutes are also invisible.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +400%
Mimefunc3.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Horror cheerless mime functionary
  • Mime office culture is distinct from human culture in that every mime has a different idea about what the joke written on the side of a coffee cup is.
  • Mime offices are more efficient than human offices because they don't have to spend any money on white-out.
  • The fact that these guys are just pretending to work makes them more or less the same as every employee in every office job ever.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Mimesci2.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Horror cheerless mime scientist
  • Just like regular science, mime science isn't pretty. But it's harder to tell.
  • With mime science, it's kind of like you're already blind! Coz everything's invisible, see?
  • One difficulty mime scientists face is not knowing if their invisible grants got approved or not.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Mimebat2.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Horror cheerless mime soldier
  • Mime soldiers either never run out of ammo, or are always out of ammo.
  • It must be rough when the drill sergeants demand they count off their pushups, when they already were and he just couldn't tell because he couldn't see their lips moving.
  • Wait, how do they hear Reveille in the morning?
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +?%
Mimeseer2.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Horror cheerless mime vizier
  • Mimes predicting the future, huh? Maybe they should predict how to talk, am I right?
  • Mimes predicting the future, huh? Maybe they should predict how you're gonna beat them up, am I right?
  • Mimes predicting the future, huh? Maybe they should predict what the rest of these mime factoids are gonna be so I don't have to do them any more, am I right?
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +300%
Adv stench2.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude Cheese Wizard
  • While some adventurers are most at home in a party, the Cheese Wizard stands alone. Mostly because of the smell, but also because she's an introvert.
  • Some people believe that the only true cheesesteak sandwich is one made by an actual Cheese Wizard.
  • To be fair, some people believe almost anything. I once met a man who believed the moon was made by a green Cheese Wizard.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Adv fast1.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude Cheetahman
  • Cheetahman rarely wear pants, because they reguarly run so fast that their pants catch on fire.
  • If a cheetahman's head can fit through an opening, so can his skull. This knowledge might come in handy later.
  • If you want to know how a cheetahman got his spots, ask Rudyard Kipling, though I'm warning you -- the reason is probably super racist.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +1000%
Chester.gif Nicesword.gif 500 This monster is a Dude Chester
  • Chester is required by law to notify all local homeowners of his crimes, whenever he moves to a new location. Since hoboes can't really be called "homeowners", this provides him with a tidy little loophole.
  • Chester once attempted to make some extra money by running a mobile daycare center in his van. He was unsuccessful because, holy crap, nobody's that stupid.
  • Chester has unusually-long pinky fingers -- they're longer than his ring fingers! This is a genetic condition known as "diu roseus digitis".
Whiteshield.gif 450 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 8000 Initiative +200%
Robotceo.gif Nicesword.gif 82 This monster is a Construct Chief Electronic Overseer
  • The Chief Electronic Overseer doesn't actually get paid very much, but he's okay with that. His real reward is getting to boss fleshbags around all day.
  • Most of the yakuza don't have any problems with taking orders from a robot. In fact, many of them haven't even noticed.
  • The Chief Electronic Overseer got its start at the company as a clock-radio in the mailroom, and worked his way to the top.
Whiteshield.gif 82 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 105 Initiative +75%
Chocohare.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Beast chocolate hare
  • Chocolate hares hate it when they get a hair in their chocolate.
  • Chocolate hares are a lot like chocolate jackrabbits, but less slim.
  • Chocolate hares don't lay eggs. They just steal them from chocolate chickens and sleep on top of them.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Ccprairie.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Beast chocolate-cherry prairie dog
  • Chocolate-cherry prairie dogs refresh their chocolate coating in the chocolate rain.
  • Chocolate-cherry prairie dogs yip and bark like dogs, but they're actually a species of reptile.
  • Okay, chocolate-cherry prairie dogs aren't a species of reptile. But they're definitely not dogs.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Soupgolem.gif Nicesword.gif 18 This monster is a Construct Chowder Golem
  • Sorry, Manhattanites, but tomatoes have no business in a self-respecting clam chowder.
  • There aren't any oysters in oyster crackers. They're like girl scout cookies that way. Girl scout cookies don't have oysters, either.
  • The proper pronunciation of chowder is "chowda." The proper pronunciation of "chowderhead" is "politician."
Whiteshield.gif 16 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 9 Initiative +60%
Ciggirl.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude cigarette girl
  • Despite the name, the cigarette girl isn't made out of cigarettes. That'd be a cigarette golem.
  • A wizard tried to make a cigarette golem once, but died of lung cancer before it was finished.
  • What we're trying to say here, kids, is that you shouldn't smoke. But you probably already knew that.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Noart.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude Cinco de Mayo reveler
  • Nobody South of the Border cares about Cinco de Mayo. It's just an excuse for local drunks to do what they want to do.
  • Nobody North of the Border cares about El Cid or Cantinflas.
  • Nobody standing directly on top of the border cares about anything.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +?%
Animelf3.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is an Elf circuit-soldering animelf
  • The melting point of solder is well above the pain point for human (or animelf) skin. It's a dangerous job, but at least he gets thick padded safety gloves.
  • Just kidding. The thick padded safety gloves are offered as a reward for three years of perfect attendance, and this is the animelfs' first year.
  • The word "solder" comes from the Latin "solidare," "to make solid," or possibly from "solitaire," meaning "to waste time playing a computer version of a card game."
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Cavebars.gif Nicesword.gif 30 This monster is a Beast clan of cave bars
  • Each cave bar clan selects a clan leader based on a best two-out-of-three of a fight, a hunt, and a beauty pageant.
  • If attacked by a cave bar, shout "NO! GO AWAY!" in a loud voice. No, wait, that's for door-to-door missionaries. For cave bar, just run.
  • Cave bars are grumpier after hibernation than other bars, because they've spent three months with a stalagmite in the small of their backs.
Whiteshield.gif 27 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 30 Never wins initiative
Clancy.gif Nicesword.gif 150 This monster is a Dude Clancy
  • Clancy's last words before he was sucked into the mirror realm were, "th-th-that's all, folks!"
  • Clancy never worked for a police department in any capacity. Why do you ask?
  • Clancy insists that he once was a handsome youth before he was sucked into the mirror realm and turned into an anthropomorphic pig. Portraits of Boris and Clancy suggest otherwise.
Whiteshield.gif 165 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 500 Initiative +90%
Clara.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Demon Clara
  • If Clara were a trapeze artist, she would work without a net.
  • If Clara made sinus medication, she would sell it in a tin.
  • When Clara produces butter that she doesn't like, she says "fie" to it.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 5000 Initiative +300%
Bathtub.gif Nicesword.gif 57 This monster is a Construct claw-foot bathtub
  • There's a ring around the inside of the claw-foot bathtub, and you don't want to know what caused it.
  • A claw-foot bathtub can gallop at 15 miles per hour over smooth (porcelain tile) terrain.
  • There are many claw-footed bathtubs in the world, but there are hardly any claw-footed sinks. Weird, eh?
Whiteshield.gif 47 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 55 Initiative +30%
Claygolem.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Construct clay golem
  • The clay golem may be a mighty monster, but it has feet of clay.
  • A clay golem will get brittle and unworkable unless you cover it up with plastic every night.
  • The best way to fight a clay golem is to trick it onto a pottery wheel and make it dizzy.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Aboo wiz.gif Nicesword.gif 70 This monster is Undead Claybender Sorcerer Ghost
  • Gary Claybender's adventures begin as light-hearted fun, but end with a higher body count than the Chronicles of Boris.
  • Gary Claybender was the youngest sorcerer ever to enter the Quadsorcerer Tournament, and the only one to ever survive it.
  • Gary Claybender's success is attributed by some scholars to his brainy best friend Octavia. Other scholars dispute that finding, because Octavia is a lady with lady-parts, so she couldn't have been much help.
Whiteshield.gif 70 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 40 Never wins initiative
Cleanroomdemon.gif Nicesword.gif 70 This monster is a Demon clean-room daemon
  • Demons are frequently used as cheap labor, because they aren't organized enough to form unions.
  • Most demons of this type have sharp claws, so they go through rubber gloves pretty fast.
  • Demons can be tricky to deal with, because many are hard of hearing. For example, if you ask one to make you a sandwich, it might mishear that as a request to take a dump on your bed.
Whiteshield.gif 70 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 85 Initiative +50%
Cleanpirate.gif Nicesword.gif 100 This monster is a Pirate cleanly pirate
  • The cleanly pirate washes his hands exactly 83 times every day.
  • The cleanly pirate keeps his fingernails trimmed to exactly .3 millimeters.
  • The cleanly pirate probably has deeper issues than just a devotion to hygiene.
Whiteshield.gif 90 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 90 Initiative +50%
Girlpirate.gif Nicesword.gif 100 This monster is a Pirate clingy pirate
  • Although they're kind of a hassle to have in the crew, clingy pirates are excellent at defending the ship from giant squid. Fight fire with fire, right?
  • Clingy pirates are also frequently given the task of removing barnacles from the hull of the ship, because they relate to them so well.
  • Whatever you do, don't join a pirate crew where the captain has his girlfriend on board. Every raid will end in drama.
Whiteshield.gif 90 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 90 Initiative +50%
Piratem.gif Nicesword.gif 100 This monster is a Pirate clingy pirate
  • Clingy pirates have so much love to give.
  • If you'd only give them a chance, clingy pirates could totally prove that they were perfect for you.
  • Clingy pirates don't have a knife behind their backs. Honest.
Whiteshield.gif 90 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 90 Initiative +50%
Colaoff1.gif Nicesword.gif 30 This monster is a Dude Cloaca-Cola Catapult Engineer
  • The Catapult Engineer could just fill the catapult with Cloaca-Cola, which is caustic enough to qualify as a chemical warfare agent.
  • Cola Wars soldiers get no health benefits, but a comprehensive dental plan. When all you ingest is soda, you're gonna end up with a mouth full of cavities.
  • Caffeine-free Diet Cloaca-Cola was developed for veterans still battling Post-Battle-Jitter-Disorder.
Whiteshield.gif 27 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 40 Initiative +50%
Colasol1.gif Nicesword.gif 30 This monster is a Dude Cloaca-Cola Footsoldier
  • Cloaca-Cola has 25 tablespoons of delicious sugar in every glass. That's why 9 out of 10 crooked dentists recommend it.
  • Cloaca-Cola is not an effective method of birth control, unless you drink it until all your teeth are all rotted and garmy.
  • Cloaca-Cola Footsoldiers are fed a steady diet of Cloaca-Cola, more Cloaca-Cola, and deep-fried Cloaca-Cola on a stick.
Whiteshield.gif 27 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 35 Initiative +50%
Colasol1.gif Nicesword.gif 30 This monster is a Dude Cloaca-Cola Soldier
  • Cloaca-Cola can clean copper discs, loosen stuck bolts, even clean battery terminals. Plus, you can drink it, but you probably shouldn't.
  • Cloaca-Cola lost their market dominance in the "New Cloaca" fiasco. All the people who said they hated the taste of original Cloaca-Cola violently rejected the new flavor and demanded it be switched back. It was a lot like game design.
  • Cloaca-Cola has twelve teaspoons of sugar in every sip, but it's the boric acid that provides that crisp refreshing bite.
Whiteshield.gif 27 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 30 Initiative +50%
Clockworkman.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude clockwork man
  • Don't tell him he's got a screw loose. He's heard that one.
  • Robots aren't lactose intolerant per se, but most of them don't like cheese.
  • A cog is the tooth of a gear, which can also be referred to as a 'cogwheel'. However, 'cogwheel' is frequently shortened to just 'cog', so a cog can be either part of a gear or synomynous. Now you know.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Rock hopper.gif Nicesword.gif 100 This monster is a Beast clod hopper
  • Clod hoppers are considerably less mentally proficient than their distant relatives, the dennis hoppers.
  • Clod hoppers are made out of magically-animated rocks, but try not to get too sedimental about that.
  • If you break open a clod hopper, they're full of beautiful multi-faceted crystals. But they don't take kindly to people trying to verify that fact.
Whiteshield.gif 90 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +50%
Whiskers.gif Nicesword.gif 2 This monster is Weird cloud of disembodied whiskers
  • A lumberjack shaves three times a day: morning to face the day, noon to be ready for after-work partying, and night, so they don't shred their pillow with stubble.
  • Lumberjack's whiskers are, pound for pound, stronger than spider silk.
  • Most lumberjack's shave with their wood-cutting axes, a technique that's easy to learn but painful to master.
Whiteshield.gif 2 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 3 Initiative +45%
Clubfish.gif Nicesword.gif 350 This monster is a Fish clubfish
  • The clubfish's club isn't a stick that it's holding, it is in fact a bony growth that protrudes from its head like a narwhal's horn. Their skulls are really hilarious-looking.
  • Many clubfish claim to love fighting other clubfish, but in reality the great majority of them prefer weaker prey, such as the heartfish.
  • I would never join any clubfish that would have me as a memberfish. Because, what's a memberfish anyway? That doesn't make any sense.
Whiteshield.gif 360 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 600 Initiative +100%
Prim bact.gif Nicesword.gif 20 This monster is a Bug cluster of angry bacteria
  • The bacteria reproduce asexually, like most single cell organisms and reality show contestants.
  • The bacteria will one day mutate into a superflu that will end life as the Kingdom knows it -- but that's a few billion years down the road.
  • Anti-bacterial soaps do an effective job of speeding up bacteria evolution, as only the resistant strains survive. So if you love bacteria, keep using that stuff.
Whiteshield.gif 18 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 25 Initiative +50%
Coalsnake.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Beast coal snake
  • Coal snakes are the evolutionary ancestor of diamondback rattlers. They're under a lot of pressure.
  • Coral snakes are visually similar to coal snakes, but in fact they are actually a type of eel.
  • Coal snakes are flammable, and were sometimes used as fuses for large Civil War cannons.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +50%
Coaltergeist.gif Nicesword.gif 152 This monster is Undead coaltergeist
  • Coaltergeists have largely been phased out with the advent of natural gas for home heating. And natural gas poltergeists are frequently mistaken for mere flatulence.
  • Coaltergeists are an inefficient method of haunting anything larger than a two-room shack.
  • Coaltergeists, if squeezed hard enough, will not turn into diamondgeists. But they will get really ticked off at all the squeezing.
Whiteshield.gif 138 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +25%
Kg oven.gif Nicesword.gif 20 This monster is a Construct Cobb's Knob oven
  • This oven isn't self-cleaning, because it's also kind of a hippy.
  • The Cobb's Knob chefs usually cook over an open fire, but those are harder to magically animate.
  • Cobb's Knob chefs agree that an electric oven is better for sauces, but lacks the temperature control for delicate meat dishes, even when magically animated.
Whiteshield.gif 18 This monster is Hot.  Hot is weak against Sleaze and Stench.
Hp1.gif 20 Initiative +50%
Spelunkcobra.gif Nicesword.gif 30 This monster is a Beast cobra
  • Modern cobras are descended from that dinosaur that kills Newman.
  • Because of the corrosive properties of their saliva, cobras never have to brush their teeth.
  • If a cobra did have to brush its teeth, it would do it by repeatedly biting a toothbrush. They really only have one speed.
Whiteshield.gif 30 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 30 Never wins initiative
Cocktailshrimp.gif Nicesword.gif 350 This monster is a Fish cocktail shrimp
  • Cocktail shrimp are almost always sauced.
  • Cocktail shrimp prefer to be called "miniature mixology lobsters."
  • Cocktail shrimp's mixology is as futile as their relatives who try to pop corn underwater.
Whiteshield.gif 325 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 400 Initiative +75%
Dvcoldbear3.gif Nicesword.gif 500 This monster is a Beast cold bugbear
  • Cold Dreadsylvanian bugbears eat a lot of ice cream, but they don't enjoy it -- they just eat it because otherwise they'll die.
  • You would think that cold Dreadsylvanian bugbears and polar bears would have a lot in common. The reason you would think this is because you don't know anything about science.
  • It is very dangerous for a cold Dreadsylvanian bugbear to spend too much time in a sauna, making spending too much time in a sauna a popular pastime among thrill-seeking teenage cold Dreadsylvanian bugbears.
Whiteshield.gif 500 This monster is Cold.  Cold is weak against Hot and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 800 Initiative +25%
Coldcutter.gif Nicesword.gif 200 This monster is a Construct cold cutter
  • Because their eyes are olives, cold cutters made with no olive loaf are blind.
  • Once a cold cutter gets all slimy, you probably shouldn't eat it. Also, you should never eat a cold cutter anyway.
  • A cold cutter's claws are made out of the blades of meat slicers. Cold cutters like irony.
Whiteshield.gif 200 This monster is Cold.  Cold is weak against Hot and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 300 Initiative +50%
Dvcoldghost1.gif Nicesword.gif 500 This monster is Undead cold ghost
  • The coldest ghost ever recorded was just a few degrees warmer than absolute zero.
  • The warmest cold ghost ever recorded was slightly warmer than a room-temperature bottle of Absolut mixed with Coke Zero.
  • (Monster Manuel received no compensation for, and implies no endorsement by, the product names mentioned in the previous factoid. Offer void where prohibited. Sorry, Tennessee!)
Whiteshield.gif 500 This monster is Cold.  Cold is weak against Hot and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 800 Initiative +25%
Coldhobo6.gif Nicesword.gif 350 This monster is a Hobo Cold hobo
  • Your tongue would stick to a cold hobo if you tried to lick one. Why you'd do such a thing, I don't know.
  • Cold hobos are frequently employed by the aristocracy as portable air conditioners.
  • Frost forms on a cold hobo's beard first, then on his bindle, then his stogie.
Whiteshield.gif 315 This monster is Cold.  Cold is weak against Hot and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 500 Initiative +100%
Wood cold.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct cold ironwood house
  • Cold ironwood is a magic substance that is always cold no matter what climate it's in. It's highly sought after for making desert houses.
  • People also make walk-in freezers out of cold ironwood, and occasionally walk-in closets if they really enjoy cold underpants.
  • Ice cream manufacturers of Loathing tried to make popsicle sticks out of cold ironwood, but the customers' tongues kept sticking to them when they finished the treat.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster is Cold.  Cold is weak against Hot and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Dvcoldskel2.gif Nicesword.gif 500 This monster is Undead cold skeleton
  • That is not a popsicle. Do not put it in your mouth.
  • If cold skeletons could drink, their drinks would stay ice-cold all the time. What a sad waste.
  • Cold skeletons are not the skeletons of snowmen. Some of them are the skeletons of Eskimos and Santa Clauses, though.
Whiteshield.gif 500 This monster is Cold.  Cold is weak against Hot and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 1000 Initiative +25%
Dvcoldvamp3.gif Nicesword.gif 500 This monster is Undead cold vampire
  • The hardest part of being a cold vampire is when the blood freezes up inside your hollow fangs. Assuming you're the kind of vampire that has those.
  • The earliest cold vampires lived in huge elaborate igloos and impaled their foes on giant icicles. Also they did not drink... seal urine.
  • Cold vampires are allergic to clarified butter. Wait, unless that's lobsters.
Whiteshield.gif 500 This monster is Cold.  Cold is weak against Hot and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 800 Initiative +25%
Dvcoldwolf2.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Beast cold werewolf
  • It's hard to make a cold werewolf; you have to be bitten by a werewolf and a rabid snowman in the same night.
  • Cold werewolves have to constantly break icicles off of their fur, or they freeze solid.
  • Cold werewolves sleep in igloos they build fresh every night. It's kind of a pain in the neck for them.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster is Cold.  Cold is weak against Hot and Spooky.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +25%
Dvcoldzom3.gif Nicesword.gif 500 This monster is Undead cold zombie
  • A properly restrained cold zombie, an industrial fan, and a series of ducts can cool an entire office building or hotel.
  • Cold zombies freeze people's brains while they're eating them, and thinking really hard about bonfires doesn't help.
  • Cold zombies take longer to decay than regular zombies, and can extend their shelf life even more by putting freezer bags on their extremities.
Whiteshield.gif 500 This monster is Cold.  Cold is weak against Hot and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 800 Initiative +25%
Minegolem.gif Nicesword.gif 99999 This monster is a Construct collapsed mineshaft golem
  • This particular mineshaft golem was created from the remains of a lemon mine that collapsed eighty years ago. There were allegations of sabotage and insurance fraud on the part of the owners, due to the fact that there's no such thing as a lemon mine.
  • The lemon mine collapse resulted in the deaths of forty-six miners, three foremen, seven interns, and four mineshaft enthusiasts who picked the wrong day for a tour.
  • The canary's name is "Burt".
Whiteshield.gif 89999 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 99999 Never wins initiative
Blankmook.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude common criminal
  • In Gotpork, crooks regularly report illegal income on their taxes, because the only hero they fear worse than Batfellow is The Auditor.
  • One way to tell if you're dealing with a crook is to ask them to step on a photograph of Al Capone. They can't do it!
  • Crooks are called that because of their "crooked" morality. ...Wait, that actually sounds like it might be true. Is that true?
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Spider2.gif Nicesword.gif 1 This monster is a Bug completely different spider
  • The completely different spider parts its hair on the other side and has a moustache, so he's definitely not that other spider.
  • Spiders are nature's practical jokers. It's not on accident they always spin their webs right where you'll walk through them; they enjoy the goofy dance you do.
  • Fried tarantula is a delicacy in the Distant Lands. Of course, over there they'll eat anything that's not actively trying to kill them right at the moment.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 1 Initiative +40%
Pianist.gif Nicesword.gif 99999 This monster is a Dude concert pianist
  • If the concert pianist weren't so upright, he'd be grand.
  • The very act of learning to play the piano as well as a concert pianist does causes one's hair to make that particular hairstyle. Something about overheating the brain.
  • Not all concert pianists are nude from the waist down - you're just lucky to find the one that always is.
Whiteshield.gif 89999 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 99999 Never wins initiative
Lilgoth.gif Nicesword.gif 24 This monster is a Dude confused goth music student
  • The favored instrument of goth music students is the theremin, because it sounds spooky and kind of like crying.
  • Goth music students only play in minor keys, with minor musical talent.
  • Goth music students all learn to play the violin just well enough to screech out the theme from "Psycho."
Whiteshield.gif 21 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 24 Initiative +50%
2zombies.gif Nicesword.gif 73 This monster is Undead conjoined zmombie
  • You might think that the zombie on the left would be the artistic one, but it's actually the one on the right.
  • You should see these guys when they try to go through a small doorway. It's hilarious.
  • It's hard to say which one of these guys is the comedian, and which is the straight man. Maybe you should ask them who's on first.
Whiteshield.gif 63 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 120 Initiative +60%
Conhippy.gif Nicesword.gif 64 This monster is a Hippy conservationist hippy
  • Conservationist hippies only eat windfall fruit and windblown vegetables, which means they windbreak almost constantly.
  • Conservationist hippies are most interested in conserving, apparently, soap, shampoo, and razor blades.
  • Conservationist hippies don't engage in inhaling the smoke from burning herbs like other hippies do. They're content to starve and sweat their way to tree-hugging euphoria.
Whiteshield.gif 68 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 70 Initiative +40%
Regret1.gif Nicesword.gif 30 This monster is Undead contemplative ghost
  • Every contemplative ghost has a unique personality and way of moving around.
  • Nobody ever notices this.
  • Contemplative ghosts are a perfect illustration of the harmful effects of depression. The bluer they get, the more likely they are to be eaten by a predator.
Whiteshield.gif 35 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 35 Initiative +60%
Coolerwino.gif Nicesword.gif 2 This monster is a Hobo cooler wino
  • The coolest winos have tattoos reading "Wino Forever."
  • Cool winos refer to less cool winos as "lose-os."
  • If you ask a wino if he doesn't want a drink, he'll say "Why, no."
Whiteshield.gif 1 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 2 Never wins initiative
Coppertender.gif Nicesword.gif 140 This monster is a Dude Copperhead Club bartender
  • The bartender has a signature drink with vodka, mint leaf, tobacco-infused simple syrup, and a raw quail egg. It's not very popular.
  • The only drink he can't make is an Old Fashioned, because his drinks are always cutting-edge.
  • The bartender's saving all the spent shell casings from the frequent shootouts at the Copperhead Club, and is using them to make shots out of actual shots.
Whiteshield.gif 140 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +25%
Fatzombie.gif Nicesword.gif 54 This monster is Undead corpulent zobmie
  • Some corpulent zobmies were obese before death; some got that way afterward. They're all equally unpleasant.
  • Corpulent zobmies are a potent satire of our gluttonous, consumer-driven society and the way it figuratively consumes our brains. You'll just wish the satire was more subtle when it's *actually* eating your brains.
  • The average corpulent zobmie eats his body weight in brains every day, but never gets any smarter.
Whiteshield.gif 49 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 50 Initiative +50%
Prim alga.gif Nicesword.gif 25 This monster is a Plant corrosive algae
  • Sometimes, conditions in sea water lead to an explosive growth of algae called a "bloom county."
  • If your aquarium develops an algae problem, try pouring a cup of bleach into the water.
  • If your swimming pool develops an algae problem, try pouring a bag of goldfish into it.
Whiteshield.gif 18 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 20 Initiative +50%
Makeupwraith.gif Nicesword.gif 65 This monster is Undead cosmetics wraith
  • Cosmetics wraiths are the ghosts of people who got suckered into selling makeup in pyramid schemes while they were alive.
  • Cosmetics wraiths are compelled to give makeovers from beyond the grave, still believing they'll win that trip to an island paradise if they're the top salesperson of the month.
  • Cosmetics wraiths can't be bound by a ring of power, but they will serve whomever holds the Eyelash Curler of the Gods.
Whiteshield.gif 55 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 65 Initiative +50%
Drunkula.gif Nicesword.gif 1000 This monster is Undead Count Drunkula
  • Count Drunkula does not drink... wine. Actually, that's a lie. If wine is all that's left to drink, he will totally drink it.
  • Count Drunkula's car does not have a nickname, but its trunk is nicknamed Count Trunkula.
  • Count Drunkula was once a popular childrens' television character, but the pressures of the job eventually got to him and he turned to drink.
Whiteshield.gif 1000 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 8000 Initiative +20%
Courtesan.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude courtesan
  • The courtesan's "dates" are frequently interrupted by "elaborate musical numbers."
  • The courtesan is not a trained singer, but she has extensive training in other aspects of her job.
  • The courtesan's mysterious ailment is caused by drama nanites. She coughs, wheezes, and passes out only at the most dramatic moments.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +60%
Cowcultist.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude cow cultist
  • Is there a cult that worships cheese? I would join that cult. Cheese is delicious.
  • I bet those twisty cultist knives are a real pain in the butt to sharpen.
  • Do ancient gods actually like getting prayers? I'd imagine it would be more like having your phone going off all the time.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +50%
Cowskeleton.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is Undead cowskeleton
  • The part of being a cowboy that a cowskeleton probably misses the most is getting to eat all those beans.
  • Cowskeletons are lighter than cowboys, so that makes things easier on their horses. On the other hand, they're lumpier.
  • It's not just cowskeletons' spurs that go jingle-jangle-jingle.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Craggybart.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude craggy bartender
  • Most Old West bartenders don't actually know any drink recipes. If you ask for a mixed drink in an Old West saloon, you deserve whatever you get.
  • Many Old West bartenders are also barbers. Don't ask for a shot of the blue liquor.
  • Don't worry too much about the busted furniture. If you knew where he got the booze, you'd know exactly how much he overcharges for it.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Crate big.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct crate
  • How did all those crates get there without any pallets? Probably a wizard did it.
  • Video game crates are typically either empty, or contain exactly one item, which may seem like wildly inefficient management of storage space, and in fact it totally is.
  • Many owners of underground hideouts and evil factory complexes have experimented with not leaving health-kits and sandwiches lying around for the convenience of heroes, but the powerup manufacturers objected too strenously.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 1 Never wins initiative
Stone raven.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Construct craven carven raven
  • Sure, the carving looks nothing like a raven, but "craven carven toucan-looking thing" doesn't quite have the same ring to it.
  • The ancient culture that built this temple were colonists from El Vibrato island, who had eschewed their sufficiently advanced technology.
  • The hidden temple used to just be called "the temple."
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Creep.gif Nicesword.gif 2 This monster is a Construct crêep
  • Crêeps come in both savory and sweet varieties. Both varieties are evil.
  • The crêep's only natural predator is the small wooden squeegee.
  • Most crêeps don't have any facial hair, but the ones that do prefer a pencil-thin moustache.
Whiteshield.gif 1 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 2 Never wins initiative
Adv smooth2.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude Creamweaver
  • The first Creamweaver was a guy named Steve Kramer.
  • The first thing they teach you in Creamweaver school is how to use a whisk. The second thing they teach you is how to clean a floor.
  • If your waterbed springs a leak, and you don't mind sleeping on a rubber bag filled with curdled cream, a Creamweaver can probably get you through the night.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Piratem.gif Nicesword.gif 100 This monster is a Pirate creamy pirate
  • The creamy pirate used to be a screamy pirate before there was a spelling error on his pirate's license renewal form. Everyone else on the ship was relieved.
  • Unguents are so called because they are made from ungulates, or hoofed mammals..
  • The creamy pirate, oddly enough, takes his coffee black.
Whiteshield.gif 90 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 90 Initiative +50%
Clown.gif Nicesword.gif 20 This monster is a Horror creepy clown
  • A creepy clown can generate an entirely new body from a severed red nose. Keep an eye on your inventory!
  • The creepy clown's favorite food is peach cobbler, and his favorite scent is your terror.
  • Creepy clowns spend their larval years crammed tightly into cars with dozens of other clown larvae.
Whiteshield.gif 18 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 16 Initiative +85%
Creepydoll.gif Nicesword.gif 88 This monster is a Construct creepy doll
  • The League for Concise Language maintains that "creepy doll" is redundant. Critics respond that they should change their name to "Concise Language League."
  • Keep in mind that creepy dolls were once beloved playthings for creepy children.
  • Most creepy dolls only move when your head is turned or your eyes are closed. So long as you sit and stare directly at them and never blink, you'll be fine.
Whiteshield.gif 76 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 75 Initiative +25%
Dianoga.gif Nicesword.gif 8 This monster is a Horror creepy eye-stalk tentacle monster
  • Some who have seen the full eyestalk tentacle monster describe it as looking like a floating piece of excrement. It's probably a good thing it's hidden under the water.
  • Scientists estimate the creature has as many as eight tentacles, each more suckery than the last.
  • Because of its single eye, the eyestalk tentacle monster is good at close range but lousy when it has to estimate depth.
Whiteshield.gif 5 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 6 Initiative +100%
Twins ginger.gif Nicesword.gif 95 This monster is a Dude Creepy Ginger Twin
  • The Creepy Ginger Twin used to be a talented young actress full of potential. It's actually kind of tragic.
  • That was before she was accused of pushing the most popular girl in school in front of a bus, though.
  • Still, she always was a little unstable. When she was twelve, she was convinced that she had swapped bodies with her own mother.
Whiteshield.gif 86 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 95 Initiative +30%
Creepygirl1.gif Nicesword.gif 200 This monster is a Dude creepy little girl
  • Most little girls are, let's face it, kind of creepy.
  • The creepy little girl likes playing with dolls as much as any other girl; it's just that she can make hers move without touching them.
  • The creepy little girl is made of sugar, spice, and supernatural scientific experiments.
Whiteshield.gif 200 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 150 Never wins initiative
Pa torch.gif Nicesword.gif 12 This monster is Weird Creme Brulee Torch of Fury
  • The correct spelling is, as we all know, crème brûlée. But that's too many fancy characters with hats for one phrase.
  • Seriously, the top of a crème brûlée tastes like a burnt match smells.
  • In a pinch, a crème brûlée torch can also be used to cauterize wounds. That's good to know if you're as clumsy a chef as I am.
Whiteshield.gif 8 This monster is Hot.  Hot is weak against Sleaze and Stench.
Hp1.gif 12 Initiative +50%
Cromaggnoll.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Humanoid Cro-Magnon Gnoll
  • Most of his inventions aren't glued together with meatpaste, because that hasn't been invented yet. Instead, he uses rockspaste.
  • Other things he's invented include the stick, the pointed stick, and the camp-no-fire, which he hopes to upgrade to a campfire once fire is discovered.
  • Someday he'll invent cross-dressing, but first he has to invent (a) fashion and (b) gender norms.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Spelunkcroc.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is a Dude crocodile man
  • Crocodile men resent the insinuation that their tears are not real.
  • Crocodile men resent always being the guy asked to run to the store. To be fair, they can teleport...
  • Crocodile men resent being criticized for being so resentful of everything.
Whiteshield.gif 50 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 50 Never wins initiative
Croqueteer.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude croqueteer
  • Croquet was actually invented as a method of clearing hedgehogs out of gardens by knocking them away with mallets (or whatever was handy, such as flamingoes). It didn't develop into a game until much later.
  • Nowadays, special croquet hedgehogs are bred specifically for the game. They stay rolled up longer and don't tend to wander off the way wild hedgehogs do, and come in a variety of colors.
  • Flamingoes are not particularly disturbed by having their heads used as croquet mallets, because their brains are kept in their torsos. A flamingo's skull is solid bone, and is used as a counterweight to improve their balance when standing on one leg.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +75%
Dustmote.gif Nicesword.gif 75 This monster is Weird cruel dust mote
  • There are approximately 6.02x10^23 specks of dust in a mote.
  • If you dug a trench around a castle and filled it with dust motes, that'd be hilarious.
  • The past participle of "smote" is "smitten." Yup, that crush you have on the girl next door is the same as being flattened by the wrath of an angry god.
Whiteshield.gif 67 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +40%
Hippy3.gif Nicesword.gif 41 This monster is a Hippy crusty hippy
  • Between rounds of Ultimate, the crusty hippy bathes in a pigpen to keep his funk authentic.
  • The crusty hippy is famous for that one time a hacky-sack actually stuck to his ankle and had to be scrubbed off.
  • The crusty hippy's hemp jewelry is plastered so thoroughly to his neck that removing it would make him bleed.
Whiteshield.gif 36 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 30 Initiative +60%
Hippy3.gif Nicesword.gif 41 This monster is a Hippy crusty hippy jewelry maker
  • Did you know that, like, you can make just about anything out of hemp? Anything that's made out of plastic, man, you can make out of hemp. It could change the world, man.
  • Sadly, the previous factoid is absolutely true. If only it were possible to take hippies seriously!
  • Hippies have a different set of birth stones for birth months. For example, Bill is Driftwood, and Bor is Upcycled Bottlecap.
Whiteshield.gif 36 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 30 Initiative +70%
Hippy3.gif Nicesword.gif 41 This monster is a Hippy crusty hippy Vegan chef
  • Some vegans refuse to eat tofu, because they claim it feels pain and is sentient. Which, y'know, maybe so. That stuff's freaky.
  • Some vegans refuse to eat honey from enslaved bees, preferring free-range, cruelty-free bees who voluntarily give up their honey. Or something.
  • If you're a vegan who also runs marathons, cans your own vegetables, and rescued a dog from a shelter, roll a six-sided die to determine which to awkwardly shoehorn into conversation first.
Whiteshield.gif 36 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 30 Initiative +70%
Crustpirate.gif Nicesword.gif 100 This monster is a Pirate crusty pirate
  • The crusty pirate prefers to have the crusts cut off of his sandwiches, which is weirdly fussy and somewhat ironic.
  • If you give a crusty pirate a good bath and a shave, he'll be a slippery pirate for a while, but the crust always comes back.
  • Hand-to-hand combat with a crusty pirate is unpleasant, but good for exfoliating your skin.
Whiteshield.gif 90 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 90 Initiative +50%
Fr creeper.gif Nicesword.gif 150 This monster is a Construct crypt creeper
  • The crypt creeper is mainly held together with popsicle sticks and chewing gum, which is also where most of his jokes came from.
  • Much like milkmen and elevator operators, crypt keepers are an old and noble profession that was sadly obsoleted by the progress of technology.
  • Contrary to what you may have been taught, neither boils nor ghouls watch very much television.
Whiteshield.gif 150 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 99999 Initiative +1000%
Cubistbull.gif Nicesword.gif 56 This monster is a Beast cubist bull
  • The cubist bull is enraged by someone waving the smell of magnolias.
  • The cubist bull's favorite food is slices of bacon served in a woman with drawers and shelves where her boobs and belly button would be.
  • The cubist bull's favorite drink is a melting clock.
Whiteshield.gif 50 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 55 Initiative +50%
Spelunkhawk.gif Nicesword.gif 60 This monster is a Dude cultist
  • After appearing in several superhero movies in the 90s, this hawk man is ready to do something a little more literary.
  • Most hawk men grow up to be lawyers, but you still get the occasional murderous cultist.
  • The most famous hawk man to ever live was named Anthony, but he went by Ethan.
Whiteshield.gif 60 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 60 Never wins initiative
Curmpirate.gif Nicesword.gif 100 This monster is a Pirate curmudgeonly pirate
  • A recent poll discovered that the top three things curmudgeonly pirates hate are: outboard motors, pistols that hold more than one bullet at a time, and geocachers.
  • If you should encounter a curmudgeonly pirate humming an old sea shanty, is it[sic]? recommended that you not offer to play him the sweet techno remix of it that you found on YouTube.
  • The most curmudgeonly pirate ever was Salty Bart Scrimshank, who was frequently heard to complain that piracy had gone downhill since the invention of the sail, and what's wrong with a good canoe, you little whippersnappers?
Whiteshield.gif 90 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 90 Initiative +50%
Fr villager.gif Nicesword.gif 130 This monster is a Dude cursed villager
  • "Your feet will be clamped to the floor" is a popular curse, but not as common as "You will occasionally make bad decisions and never feel quite as happy or satisfied as you feel you ought to be."
  • Other popular curses: "You will never win the lottery." "You will never make out with your celebrity crush." "Younger people will consider you embarrassingly out of touch."
  • The most common curse of all, of course, is "Your body will continue to age at a normal rate, and you will acquire various ailments and pains until you eventually die."
Whiteshield.gif 130 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 30 Never wins initiative
Cybercop.gif Nicesword.gif 160 This monster is a Construct cyborg policeman
  • A cyborg policeman's first prime directive is "You do not talk about a cyborg policeman."
  • A cyborg policeman's second prime directive is "I am the law."
  • A cyborg policeman's third prime directive is "Be sure your gun isn't cocked when you put it inside your leg." A cyborg policeman learned that one the hard way.
Whiteshield.gif 144 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 160 Initiative +50%
Prim cyru.gif Nicesword.gif 99999 This monster is a Bug Cyrus the Virus
  • Cyrus the Virus was the first lifeform to reproduce asexually.
  • Symptoms of the Cyrus Virus include coughing, sneezing, and painful hiccups.
  • Cyrus eventually evolved into modern-day mitochondria.
Whiteshield.gif 89999 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 99999 Never wins initiative

Unobtainable

Enema.gif Nicesword.gif Nopic2.gif cdm's test monster
  • CDM made this monster...
  • It's a magical attacking enema bag.
  • The hose is super vulnerable.
Whiteshield.gif This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif Initiative +%

References

  • The claim that the C.H.U.M. language has a hundred words for "sewage" references the belief that Eskimos have similarly large amounts of words for "snow".
  • The factoid about the C.A.R.N.I.V.O.R.E. operative not having super-powers is a reference to Todd Ingram from Scott Pilgrim, whose veganism gave him psychic powers.
  • The remark that the Cake Lord's songs all sound the same is a reference to a common criticism of the band Cake.
  • The Castle in the Clouds in the Sky's third factoid references the traditional "Fee-fi-fo-fum" chant from Jack and the Beanstalk.
  • The caveman's first factoid quotes the GEICO cavemen's slogan: "So easy, even a caveman could do it."
  • The chatty pirate's first factoid ends by quoting John Moschitta Jr., famous for his role in a great many Micro Machines commercials as well as his ability to talk at 586 words per minute.
  • The mention of Rudyard Kipling in the cheetahman's last factoid refers to his Just So Stories, one of which is "How the Leopard Got its Spots" (they were painted on by an Ethiopian who had painted himself black first, presumably why the factoid proceeds to mention racism).
  • Clancy's last words are a famous line from Porky Pig, traditionally delivered at the end of many Looney Tunes shorts.
  • The mention of the police in relation to Clancy may refer to Chief Clancy Wiggum from The Simpsons.
  • Gary Claybender's intelligent best friend Octavia is an obvious parallel to Hermoine.
  • The clod hopper's distant relative is a pun on the actor Dennis Hopper.
  • The second clubfish entry refers to the 'club' and 'heart' types of players from the Bartle Test.
  • The third clubfish entry, meanwhile, plays off of a quote from Oscar Wilde: "I don’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as one of its members.”
  • The cobra entry about being descended from "that dinosaur that kills Newman" refers to Dennis Nedry's death scene from Jurassic Park, as well as the fact that his actor also played Newman from Seinfeld. (The dinosaur in question, the Dilophosaurus, weren't actually venomous in real life.)
  • Both the cold vampire and Countr Drunkula's entries reference a famous line from Dracula (1931), where the titular character clarifies that he "does not drink... wine."
  • The confusion as to which head of the conjoined zmobie is artistic refers to the difference between the left & right hemispheres of the brain.
  • The corrosive algae's first entry mentions Bloom County, the name of a famous comic strip from the 1980's.
  • The mention of Count Drunkula formerly being a famous children's show character references Count von Count from Sesame Street.
  • The creepy ginger twin being accused of throwing the most popular girl in school in front of a bus refers to a scene from Mean Girls. The subsequent mention of her thinking she'd swapped bodies with her mother references the premise of Freaky Friday (specifically, the 2003 version that starred Lindsay Lohan).
  • The cyborg policeman's three directives reference RoboCop. The first one alludes to the first rule of Fight Club, while the second is the catchphrase of Judge Dredd.