Monster Manuel (B)

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There are 176 creatures filed under B, and 1 unobtainable entry.

Monster Manuel Entries
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Other
Stone serpent.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct Baa'baa'bu'ran
  • Besides paying homage to various ancient gods, stone temple carvings were also frequently used as warnings to would-be thieves. This one meant "Corridor Slippery When Wet".
  • Baa'baa'bu'ran's priests were recognized by the extremely long white woolen socks they wore everywhere. There has apparently been a resurgance of this cult among schoolgirls in certain parts of The Distant Lands.
  • Baa'baa'bu'ran was the god of many minor concepts and objects, including doorknobs, the smell of rain, open-faced sandwiches, and the ampersand. He was said to reside in the part of the underworld known as Misctlan.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Stone sheep.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Construct baa-relief sheep
  • Carvings of sheep were believed to ward off many diseases, because it was also believed that diseases were caused by invisible demons, and invisible demons were believed to be afraid of sheep. People believed some weird things in those days.
  • Stone wool was commonly used by ancient peoples to knit really dense and heavy sweaters, as well as a filling for supremely uncomfortable pillows.
  • Engraved depictions of ancient sheep are actually quite accurate -- sheep really were that flat and angular back then. The round, puffy sheep of today are a relatively recent adaptation to modern atmospheric conditions.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Baconsnake.gif Nicesword.gif 220 This monster is a Beast bacon snake
  • Putting a Bac-Os Snake™ in a desk drawer is a fun prank to play on a coworker who is afraid of bacon snakes.
  • Eating the flesh of a bacon snake will cure a hangover, but the venom in it will give you a different hangover, so it's kind of a wash.
  • Bacon snakes, like all snakes, make terrible pets, unless you are a stripper, in which case it's kinda hot I guess, in a weird way.
Whiteshield.gif 200 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 300 Initiative +75%
Badascii.gif Nicesword.gif 85 This monster is a Construct Bad ASCII Art
  • Kirby dance! <(o.o<) (>o.o)> ^(o.o )^ v( o.o)v
  • Guy with huge buck teeth! :-B
  • Disembodied mustache! ~---~
Whiteshield.gif 76 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 75 Initiative +50%
Pa potatoes.gif Nicesword.gif 30 This monster is Weird bag of Potatoes of Security
  • Did you notice how there are French fries in the Kingdom, even though there's no France? Weird, right?
  • There's no 'i' in team, and there's no 'e' in potato. Keep that in mind if you ever want to be re-elected as Vice President.
  • Delicious Crash Potatoes: boil small red potatoes. Drizzle olive oil on a cookie sheet. Put potatoes on the sheet, smoosh with fork. Top with olive oil, salt, pepper. Bake in the broiler until tips are brown. you're welcome.
Whiteshield.gif 100 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +100%
Baglady.gif Nicesword.gif 2 This monster is a Construct baguette lady
  • The baguette lady has nobody to care for her, because all of her breadstick children went off to work in olive gardens.
  • Her hobbies include wandering in parks and feeding parts of herself to birds.
  • One day there'll be nothing left of her but croutons.
Whiteshield.gif 1 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 2 Never wins initiative
Warhipmo.gif Nicesword.gif 195 This monster is a Hippy Bailey's Beetle
  • Most hippies insist that they, like, totally drive better when they're stoned, man.
  • The Beetle's biodiesel engine gets 40 miles to the hash brown.
  • At least 70% of each of Bailey's Beetles is bailing wire, bong resin, or some combination of the two.
Whiteshield.gif 175 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 210 Initiative +70%
Spelunkbanana.gif Nicesword.gif 80 This monster is a Beast Bananubis
  • Bananubis is the still-living god of death, tombs, and jungle fruits.
  • Bananubis's father, Tangelosiris, is the god of the Underworld and citrus.
  • Tangelosiris's mother was named Nut, and was the goddess of berries.
Whiteshield.gif 80 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 80 Never wins initiative
Bangyomama.gif Nicesword.gif 150 This monster is a Dude Bangyomaman Warrior
  • In most cases, carrying a big gun means you're overcompensating for some other shortcoming. Bangyomaman warriors are short only on empathy.
  • The Bangyomaman homeworld used to have three suns, but now it only has two, because one day they got mad and blew up the third one.
  • Bangyomaman warriors love being scratched behind their ears. No, wait. I meant "hate" and "shot". The area behind their ears is really sensitive.
Whiteshield.gif 126 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 160 Initiative +20%
Banjowizard.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude banjoccultist
  • The banjoccultist is second only in nerdy dark magic to the occulticcordianist.
  • Though the occulticcordianist is a more powerful figure on the Scrabble board.
  • When banjoccultists meet, they duel for hours, until their fingers (and most of the rest of their bodies) are bleeding.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Banshee.gif Nicesword.gif 28 This monster is Undead banshee librarian
  • Banshee librarians have a pretty high turnover rate. Most go on to host primal scream therapy sessions.
  • The banshee's wail is an E three octaves above middle C. It requires a lot of diaphragm control.
  • A banshee's wail can shatter crystal. And concrete. And pretty much everything else.
Whiteshield.gif 25 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 30 Never wins initiative
Bar.gif Nicesword.gif 3 This monster is a Beast bar
  • The best way to fight a bar is to trip it, thereby lowering it.
  • So a priest, a rabbi, and a stripper walk into a bar, and it eats all of them.
  • To best visualize the bar population in the Distant Woods, I recommend making a bar chart.
Whiteshield.gif 2 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 5 Initiative +50%
Ratsworth.gif Nicesword.gif 20 This monster is a Beast Baron von Ratsworth
  • Baron von Ratsworth made his fortune trading in steel futures, but nowadays he's mostly into real estate.
  • Baron von Ratsworth's top hat is made out of the finest spider silk, spun by only the very best spiders from good old-money spider families.
  • If you want to hit the Baron where it hurts, hit him in the wallet. Or, y'know, the kidneys. That'll do.
Whiteshield.gif 18 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 25 Initiative +80%
Darkness.gif Nicesword.gif 150 This monster is a Construct barrow wraith?
  • Is a monster that is sneaking up on you in pitch-darkness scarier if I tell you it's also invisible?
  • What if the monster... is the darkness?
  • What if the monster is the cave itself? You're already eaten!
Whiteshield.gif 150 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 99999 Initiative +100%
Basaltamander.gif Nicesword.gif 100 This monster is a Beast basaltamander
  • Don't ask what keeps its stone armor from re-melting.
  • Basaltamanders are one of the few animals that are already pre-cooked when they're still alive.
  • Misunderstood reports of basaltamander sightings by early explorers resulted in the myths and legends of elephants. Those early explorers were really hard to understand.
Whiteshield.gif 100 This monster is Hot.  Hot is weak against Sleaze and Stench.
Hp1.gif 180 Initiative +50%
Ballbat.gif Nicesword.gif 15 This monster is a Beast baseball bat
  • The baseball bat is made out of cowhide, which raises bizarre evolutionary questions.
  • The stitching on the baseball bat is organic, and disturbing.
  • Scientists who have dissected a baseball bat have found simply string wound around a cork. Scientists in universes where magic works have constant headaches.
Whiteshield.gif 13 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 9 Initiative +60%
Rudolph-the-Red.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Beast Bashful, the Reindeer
  • Bashful is usually in the back of the pack come sleigh-pulling time, because he's too shy to ask for a better spot.
  • He has a huge crush on one of the other reindeer, but would totally just die if they ever found out.
  • I suppose we could have done a joke like, his name is Bashful because he likes to bash people. But nah, he's just shy.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Basicgolem.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is an Elemental BASIC Elemental
  • This BASIC elemental is blind, because it hasn't upgraded to Visual Basic.
  • BASIC stands for "Bacon As Soon as I Can." or at least I'd like it to.
  • Most BASIC elementals are docile creatures who just want to know how many stars you want.
Whiteshield.gif 45 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 40 Initiative +60%
Spelunkbat.gif Nicesword.gif 20 This monster is a Beast bat
  • What we take to be a bat's eyes are actually just really badly-designed nostrils.
  • The old idiom "as blind as a bat" was originally "as blind as a bat smells."
  • How does a blind bat smell? Terrible, thank you.
Whiteshield.gif 20 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 20 Never wins initiative
Bb bat.gif Nicesword.gif 25 This monster is a Beast batbugbear
  • Batbugbear dung is still called "guano," because guano is a funny word.
  • Batbugbears sleep upside-down, but frequently wake up dizzy with all the blood rushing to their giant heads.
  • Batbugbears, despite their frightening appearance, eat mostly mosquitos and fruit.
Whiteshield.gif 22 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 25 Initiative +100%
Adv spooky3.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude Batburglar
  • Batburglars specialize in climbing vertical surfaces to break into buildings and steal stuff. You know -- like a bat.
  • Deep down, Batburglars are really just trying to steal back their childhoods, which were stolen from them.
  • In an alternate universe where McDonald's sells burgers made of bat meat, the Batburglar would be a harmless mascot instead of a formidable foe.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Batrat.gif Nicesword.gif 23 This monster is a Beast batrat
  • The batrat's favorite delicacy is cheese-covered mosquitos.
  • Batrats sleep upside-down in holes chewed into baseboards.
  • Orphans who are frightened by batrats tend to spend the rest of their lives in institutions, rather than become vigilantes.
Whiteshield.gif 20 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 20 Initiative +60%
Snakeboss5.gif Nicesword.gif 160 This monster is a Beast Batsnake
  • The Batsnake used to have a utility belt, but it kept sliding off because snakes don't have hips.
  • The Batsnake doesn't have a Batjet or Batmobile, but it does have Batstench.
  • The Batsnake lives almost exclusively on the robins that fly into the cave and pass out from the smell.
Whiteshield.gif 160 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 175 Initiative +50%
Bb mech.gif Nicesword.gif 125 This monster is a Beast Battlesuit Bugbear Type
  • Bugbear battlesuits are equipped with blue lasers, so all of their attacks are in high definition.
  • A bugbear battlesuit allows its pilot to survive any environment, from the vacuum of space to the bottom of the sea. The only thing it can't do is climb stairs.
  • Bugbear battlesuits run on a powerful combination of fusion technology and magic. Bugbears themselves run on fusion cuisine and magic mushrooms.
Whiteshield.gif 112 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +50%
Aboo wars.gif Nicesword.gif 76 This monster is Undead Battlie Knight Ghost
  • The Galaxy Battles chronicles are best read in the following order: Chapter four, Chapter five, Chapter two, Chapter three, Chapter six. Just skip Chapter one.
  • Although some purists insist you should only read the last three chapters, because they were written first, back before the God who created Duke Starkiller went insane with greed and lust for power.
  • Still others say that you should just read the Serene Chronicles of Captain Reynold Malcolm instead, because you get all the spacey goodness with none of the crap.
Whiteshield.gif 64 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 40 Never wins initiative
Gremlinbat.gif Nicesword.gif 169 This monster is a Humanoid batwinged gremlin
  • Gremlins delight in disassembling things, such as vehicles, computers, factory machinery, and adventurers.
  • The rule about never feeding a gremlin after midnight is complicated by the fact that it's always after the previous midnight, so when can you start feeding them again? And what about time zones? Man it's like it was *designed* for someone to screw it up.
  • If, while fighting a bat-winged gremlin, you happen to see a tinier gremlin on the first one's wing, don't bother trying to tell anyone about it, because they won't believe you.
Whiteshield.gif 153 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 170 Initiative +60%
Gremlinbat.gif Nicesword.gif 169 This monster is a Humanoid batwinged gremlin
  • Batwinged gremlins are sometimes attacked by other tiny gremlins who sit on their wings and try to sabotage their flight.
  • Batwinged gremlins don't have sonar, and must navigate by either checking a map before they leave or turn-by-turn GPS.
  • Each batwinged gremlin can eat up to a pound of mosquitoes a night. They just choose not to, the little jerks.
Whiteshield.gif 153 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 170 Initiative +60%
Bazookafish.gif Nicesword.gif 375 This monster is a Fish bazookafish
  • Bazookafish bubble gum is a natural secretion of the bazookafish. Again, it's all about making scientists freak out.
  • Bazookafish have a short life cycle, as their mature form is incapable of eating. They really should have thought that one through.
  • Do not attempt to operate a bazookafish without reading the safety manual, and watch out for that recoil.
Whiteshield.gif 292 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 500 Initiative +100%
Saucezombie.gif Nicesword.gif 95 This monster is a Slime béarnaise zombie
  • Ironically, before the zombie became a béarnaise zombie, its name was Bernice.
  • Despite the name, no bears are harmed in the making of béarnaise sauce.
  • Tarragon was named after the famous ranger who took some midgets to throw a ring in a volcano.
Whiteshield.gif 85 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 120 Initiative +50%
Beanbat.gif Nicesword.gif 21 This monster is a Beast beanbat
  • It takes approximately 144,000 beanbats to stuff a single beanbatbag chair.
  • If you grind up a beanbat and pour boiling water over it, you probably have some mental problems.
  • A beanbat is best eaten refried with some rice and cheese.
Whiteshield.gif 18 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 18 Initiative +60%
Topi2.gif Nicesword.gif 85 This monster is a Beast bearpig topiary animal
  • Would bearpig be considered an unclean animal? Or could it be kosher if you only ate the bear parts?
  • The bearpig has man arms, though. It probably didn't have the right to bear arms. And yes, we are going to keep making that joke, because it's funny. It's always funny.
  • Maybe the topiary artist was really good, and there really is a bearpig running around somewhere? Nah..
Whiteshield.gif 80 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 90 Initiative +50%
Earbeast.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Horror Beast with X Ears
  • Part of the reason the Beast is so angsty is he has swimmer's ear in all of his ears. Ugh.
  • The Beast produces more wax in his ears every day than a hive of bees produce in a month.
  • Several of the Beast's ears are cauliflowered, but it doesn't like to talk about them.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +70%
Eyebeast.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Horror Beast with X Eyes
  • These beasts are very difficult to sneak up on, but on the other hand, they're very susceptible to that Three Stooges trick.
  • Eyebeasts don't bother to show up at Fernswarthy's Basement community meetings any more, because they got sick of people making the "The eyes have it!" joke.
  • Eyebeats never wear eyeliner or mascara -- partly because it would take too long to apply it all, and partly because they don't have any hands.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Always wins initiative
Beaver.gif Nicesword.gif 162 This monster is a Constellation Beaver
  • Beavers aren't actually very eager, and tend to whine and bitch incessantly while they're building their dams.
  • Beavers use their wide, flat tails to press sandwiches, to make them more flavorful.
  • Beavers don't actually eat wood, they just gnaw on it to keep their teeth in shape. This is yet another thing that cartoons have lied to you about.
Whiteshield.gif 145 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +70%
Spelunkbee.gif Nicesword.gif 30 This monster is a Bug bee
  • A bee's favorite Shakespeare quotation is "Two bees? Why yes, two bees."
  • Bees can't read.
  • Bees also can't write or do math, because every time they try to learn the 3 Rs it's too cold and they have to leave.
Whiteshield.gif 30 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 30 Never wins initiative
Beeswarm.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Bug bee swarm
  • It would be incorrect to assume that bee swarms hate skaters. What they hate is people who aren't skating.
  • Roving swarms of bees are frequently hired as security enforcers at skate parks. How this got started or what the bees are paid with is unclear.
  • It would take a swarm of more than 3,400,000 bees to equal the approximate average weight of the Incredible Hulk.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Beethoven.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Bug bee thoven
  • Bee thovens attack in a series of rigidly-defined movements.
  • The buzzing of a bee thoven is so loud that it makes each individual bee effectively deaf.
  • You can defeat a bee thoven by causing it to roll over, which disorients it.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Beebeegunner.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Bug beebee gunners
  • The beebee gunners aren't involved in honey-making, but they do make some delicious chutney on their days off.
  • Beebee gunners aren't terribly accurate with their shooting, but they can always sting as a last resort.
  • The beebee gunners stole their rifle from a Red Rider named Daisy.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Beebeeking.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Bug Beebee King
  • It might initially sound strange for a bee king to be a mere military commander, but remember that bees are led by a queen, and she can have as many husbands as she damn well pleases.
  • Notice that, although a beebee is a two-member team, the beebee king flies solo. This is to help spread out the chain of command, and... you know, actually it isn't very interesting. Never mind.
  • The beebee kings do not emply grand viziers. Well, some of them do, but they generally have them executed for treason right away, to save trouble later.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Beebeequeue.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Bug beebee queue
  • Did you know that the best remedy for a bee sting is to immediately get another bee sting in the exact same place?
  • Unfortunately, this is almost never possible, because bees are like lightning.
  • The primary way in which bees are like lightning is that dogs do not like them.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Beefybat.gif Nicesword.gif 25 This monster is a Beast beefy bodyguard bat
  • Each beefy bodyguard bat can lift three times his body weight, provided he has a water bottle and a good spotter.
  • The beefy bodyguard bat's wings aren't actually lettuce leaves. They're just really bulky regular ol' wings.
  • You may think the beefy bodyguard bat is just a dumb slab of muscle, but he actually reads poetry and writes short stories in his spare time.
Whiteshield.gif 22 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 25 Initiative +50%
Beelephant.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Beast beelephant
  • The first beelephants were actually a cross between a bee, and eel, and an elephant. They had much longer trunks, and eventually died out because they kept getting them tangled around things.
  • Most varieties of beelephant can only sting once before dying. This is because, like regular bees, part of their internal organs are pulled out with the stinger. Unlike regular bees, this is much much more disgusting to witness.
  • Okay, the scientists are totally sure this time -- that thing should definitely not be able to fly.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +50%
Batter.gif Nicesword.gif 99999 This monster is a Construct Beer Batter
  • The beer batter holds approximately 80 liters of beer, or almost enough to make a booze giant slightly tipsy.
  • The beer batter's bat is made of aluminum, or "lorry" if you're British.
  • The beer batter's favorite color is beer.
Whiteshield.gif 89999 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 99999 Never wins initiative
Warfratbg.gif Nicesword.gif 180 This monster is an Orc Beer Bongadier
  • Frat boys scientists have experimented with methods of getting drunk even faster than is possible with a beer bong, such as reverse stomach pumps, whiskey IV drips, and the World's Worst Enema.
  • Frat boy scientists take very meticulous notes of their experiments, since typically nobody is able to remember how they went otherwise.
  • Attempts have been made to combine the beer bong with a regular bong, but this generally results in either drinking a lot of hot ashes, or drowning.
Whiteshield.gif 175 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 210 Initiative +50%
Straw stench.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct befouled straw house
  • Just as you should never build an igloo out of yellow snow, you should never build a house with straw from the stables.
  • One reason befouled straw houses stay so gross is that if you try to scrub or power wash them, they fall over.
  • Actually, no matter what you do to a straw house, it's pretty much guaranteed to fall over. No point blaming the wolf.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Bellhop.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude bellhop
  • The bellhop's brother does the same job, but has no arms. I don't recall his name, but his face rings a bell.
  • In his spare time, the bellhop tries to make dogs salivate at the ring of a bell. He's all the way up to making hamsters twitch slightly.
  • The bellhop doesn't have a hunchback, but he does have a slight speech impediment.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +50%
Carpet.gif Nicesword.gif 53 This monster is Weird Best Carpet Ever
  • You can use salt to get bloodstains out of a carpet, and a tarp to avoid getting bloodstains on your carpet in the first place.
  • The Best Carpet Ever makes the plushest shag you've ever walked on feel like thorny concrete in comparison.
  • The Best Carpet Ever is hypoallergenic, stain resistant, and possibly sentient.
Whiteshield.gif 47 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 50 Initiative +60%
Novelist.gif Nicesword.gif 99999 This monster is a Dude best-selling novelist
  • It's said that one of the worst sentences the best-selling novelist ever wrote was "The famous man looked at the red cup." In fact, he never used this line, but he has written much, much worse.
  • The author's works belong to a genre known as "airport novels", which are called that because if an engine explodes and your plane goes down in a ball of flames while you're reading one, you won't mind so much.
  • Some argue that you should not be too harsh in judging a popular author on the quality of his prose -- after all, his job is to entertain, and people obviously enjoy the books. Therefore, it is the readers who should be flogged for not knowing better.
Whiteshield.gif 89999 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 99999 Never wins initiative
Wraith2.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is Undead Bettie Barulio
  • Bettie's old suitors, so many and varied,
    filled up their own cemetery when buried.
  • Bettie's removal to realms immaterial
    was due to a full set of diseases (venereal).
  • I wouldn't describe her as being a nympho,
    but only because there is no rhyme for 'nympho'.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +50%
Biclops.gif Nicesword.gif 38 This monster is a Humanoid biclops
  • Biclops are more commonly called, "dudes who have the standard amount of eyes," but that's a little unwieldy for everyday use.
  • Biclops are ridiculed by Triclopses, who can see in three dimensions and beyond the veil of death.
  • Quadroclopses are just biclopses with glasses on.
Whiteshield.gif 33 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 30 Initiative +25%
Nparty biker.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude biker
  • The earliest bikers rode motorcycles made out of stones and animal bones.
  • Every year, bikers compete for the coveted "Most Flatulent-Sounding Exhaust" award
  • Bikers adhere to a strict moral code, and are thus only allowed to beat one another up over territory disputes and also for any other reason.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Spider1.gif Nicesword.gif 1 This monster is a Bug big creepy spider
  • This spider has eight legs, four eyes, and three mixtapes it made for its girlfriend.
  • Spider silk is incredibly strong, but is dry-clean only.
  • One time, a bunch of scientists gave spiders a variety of hallucinogenic drugs to see if it changed how the spiders spun their webs. Scientists really know how to party, man.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 1 Initiative +40%
Bigmeat.gif Nicesword.gif 99999 This monster is a Construct Big Meat Golem
  • The big meat golem would be tastiest pan-seared, rare, with some cracked pepper and butter.
  • The big meat golem is worth approximately 12,000 dense meat stacks.
  • If he were made into jerky, the big meat golem could cause an entire junior high school to lose their fillings.
Whiteshield.gif 89999 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 99999 Never wins initiative
Whelps2.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is Undead big swarm of ghuol whelps
  • Swarms of ghuol whelps have been known to skeletonize an entire dead cow in minutes, completely ruining many a summer barbecue.
  • Since the picture doesn't give much sense of scale, you might like to know that ghuol whelp heads are about the size of chick peas.
  • Ghuol whelps are born in clutches of about 30-50. Most of them will die before reaching adulthood, but you shouldn't feel sad about that. Seriously, these things aren't cute at all. They're super-gross.
Whiteshield.gif 45 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +300%
Twins bigwheel.gif Nicesword.gif 92 This monster is a Dude Big Wheelin' Twins
  • The Big Wheelin' Twins are actually both over the recommended maximum weight for their tricycles, so they have to keep reinforcing the plastic frame with duct tape.
  • The Big Wheelin' Twins eat three times their body weight in cheese each day, so they can maintain their physique with all the exercise they do.
  • Since the pedals are mounted directly to the front wheel, the Big Wheelin' Twins' trikes technically count as fixies, and the twins themselves as hipsters.
Whiteshield.gif 85 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 105 Initiative +60%
Aquaniewski.gif Nicesword.gif 260 This monster is a Dude Big Wisnaqua
  • The Big Wisnaqua splits his time between attacking adventurers and running through channels designed to guide rainwater. Strikes and gutters, man. Strikes and gutters.
  • You could call the Big Wisnaqua an aquaman, but that's not the preferred nomenclature.
  • The Big Wisnaqua can frequently be found bubbling through the glass sculptures hippies use to inhale the smoke from herbs.
Whiteshield.gif 240 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 2000 Initiative +60%
Bigface.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Humanoid bigface
  • The most famous bigface was a bigface known as Todd. Along with his band, the Monsters, he was the indie darling of the grunge era.
  • Some cryptozoologists insist that bigface should be known as "littlebody," but that name never really caught on.
  • Bigface has some kind of natural camouflage that makes it impossible to take an in-focus picture of him.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Vib2.gif Nicesword.gif 300 This monster is a Construct bizarre construct
  • El Vibrato punchcards make terrific bookmarks.
  • Not much is known about El Vibrato island and the strange constructs that inhabit it. Which makes these factoids extremely difficult to write.
  • It may seem strange that such greatly advanced technology would operate with paper punchcards. This is because it is, in fact, strange.
Whiteshield.gif 270 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 300 Initiative +30%
Vib2.gif Nicesword.gif 300 This monster is a Construct bizarre construct
  • Honestly, all of the El Vibrato constructs are pretty bizarre. I'm not sure why this one is being singled out.
  • El Vibrato constructs are made from vibritanium, which is difficult to describe, but is sort of like an alloy of diamond, titanium, and graham crackers. Yeah, difficult to describe, like I said.
  • Although the El Vibrato constructs are not supposed to possess individual emotions or desires, this particular one has discovered that it really really likes improvisational jazz.
Whiteshield.gif 270 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 300 Initiative +30%
Blimp.gif Nicesword.gif 65 This monster is a Demon BL Imp
  • BL Imps are fat because human souls are very high in calories. Diet souls exist, but they just don't taste as good.
  • Last year's Hey Deez Halloween Costume Contest was won by a BL imp, who went as Violet Beauregarde.
  • If BL imps danced, the number of them that could dance on the head of a pin is three, if the pin was about as long as a subway train and had a proportionately-sized head.
Whiteshield.gif 58 This monster is Hot.  Hot is weak against Sleaze and Stench.
Hp1.gif 65 Initiative +30%
Blackadder.gif Nicesword.gif 129 This monster is a Beast black adder
  • Black adders usually live in rowan trees.
  • Black adders are more deadly than puff adders; although, since the naming conventions changed, puff adders are just called "p. addys."
  • How is black adder venom like a beautiful woman? Both can stop a man's heart with a single flick of the tongue.
Whiteshield.gif 114 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 124 Initiative +50%
Blackcat.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Beast black cat
  • The cat lost its other eye battling a troll that was trying to steal a little girl's breath while she slept.
  • The shape of a cat's tongue means that, even if the cat could talk, it couldn't pronounce the word "hibachi."
  • The average cat has the same level of intelligence as a two-year-old human, and the same level of malevolence and capacity for destruction, too.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +80%
Cray beast.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Beast Black Crayon Beast
  • Well, you'd be angsty too, if your tail grew straight up out of your back like that.
  • Also, if you were totally unable to close your mouth because of your giant teeth. I know that'd make me kind of crabby.
  • Furthermore, I definitely would not enjoy it much if my body were a potato.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Cray bug.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Bug Black Crayon Beetle
  • There are approximately 400,000 species of beetle. Probably a third of those are just species we've already counted moving fast and wearing disguises, though.
  • Like all insects and some circus performers, beetles have six legs.
  • Ladybugs are a species of beetle. Did you know that? I didn't. That totally blew my mind when I learned that.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Cray const.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Constellation Black Crayon Constellation
  • The Black Crayon Constellation, made of five five-pointed stars, is the most evil thing ever drawn on the back of someone's Algebra notebook.
  • Sadly, the five-star drawing only got two stars from the Emo Kid's teacher.
  • When you wish upon a black crayon star, the only dreams that come true are the ones based around black wax.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Cray elf.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is an Elf Black Crayon Crimbo Elf
  • For some reason, the black crayon crimbo elf is wearing a pope hat.
  • Crimbo elves don't color with crayons; they just lick lollipops and smear them on the paper.
  • The whole candy shtick is pretty much all crimbo elves have going for them.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Cray demon.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Demon Black Crayon Demon
  • Black crayons in the Kingdom are dyed with squid ink. Just thought you should know.
  • Just kidding. They're actually dyed with blackberries, so they're the most delicious crayon in the box.
  • Please tell me that you just ate a crayon. It'll make my day.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Cray elemental.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is an Elemental Black Crayon Elemental
  • Although it may try to convince you that it's any number of different kinds of elementals, it's actually the most important element of all: imagination.
  • If you ask him, the kid will say he only uses black crayons because of the torment in his soul or some nonsense like that. It's actually because he's red-everything colorblind.
  • The artistic goth kid's crayons are made from the fat of witches, which he steals from the dumpster behind the fat witch liposuction clinic.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Cray fish.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Fish Black Crayon Fish
  • The fish smiles like that because it knows something you don't know. (I don't know either.)
  • Crayon drawings of fish have even worse memories than actual fish, and often forget about the existence of things while they're still looking at them.
  • It is unclear whether that fin is growing out of the top of the fish's head, or if he's offering you a high-five. Maybe you should go ahead and high-five him, just in case. You wouldn't want to leave him hanging.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Cray plant.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Plant Black Crayon Flower
  • The word "jejune" means boring or insipid. It also means that you can immediately stop listening to anyone who uses it in a conversation.
  • Flowers are not actually pedestrian at all -- they don't have feet or legs, and cannot walk. So who's the dummy now, Mr. Gothy Arteest?
  • Coincidentally, this is actually a very realistic rendering of a rare flower known as the Loathingian Scribblily, the seeds of which are used to treat certain forms of intestinal parasites.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Cray orc.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is an Orc Black Crayon Frat Orc
  • It's possible that the Black Crayon Frat Orc isn't actually wearing a baseball cap, but rather a headband. With like one loose end trailing off, see? Isn't that weird?
  • This may be one of the Artistic Goth Kid's best examples of portraiture -- look at that dazed, slightly confused, drunken facial expression. How true to life!
  • The Artistic Goth Kid has also been known to draw a Sorority Orc from time to time, but he doesn't show those pictures to anybody.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Cray goblin.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Goblin Black Crayon Goblin
  • True goblins have been absent from the Kingdom for years. Only their mutated, stunted progeny, the Knob Goblins, remain.
  • True goblins were taller and smarter than Knob Goblins, like just about everyone.
  • True goblins had neither a king nor a harem. They had an enlightened phagocratic society, in which whomever could eat the most of his rivals got to be rule.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Cray construct.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Construct Black Crayon Golem
  • Golems have mystical words inscribed on a scroll and stuck in their heads. This one's scroll just says, "rainy soul miasma pain blood."
  • The black crayon golem's eye-beams hurt at least four times more than being hit with an iron i-beam.
  • You can get wax stains out of clothing by ironing the affected spot and blotting up the wax with a paper towel.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Cray hippy.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Hippy Black Crayon Hippy
  • Black crayons are technically just really, really burnt sienna.
  • A true black crayon would absorb light into itself, making it almost painful to look at it. Y'know, like a goth kid's hairdo.
  • The official name for the color of the Goth Kid's crayon is "Eldritch Night." It's also the name of his Sisters of Mercy cover band.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Cray hobo.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Hobo Black Crayon Hobo
  • A black crayon hobo is 90% less likely to steal a pie left cooling on your windowsill.
  • Black crayon hobos have a higher concentration of stearic acid than other black crayon creations.
  • Black crayon hobos don't have anything in their bindles except crayon shavings.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Cray dude.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude Black Crayon Man
  • Fun fact: Jick drew all the black crayon art with his left hand.
  • Funner fact: Mr. Skullhead's left-handed drawings are about as good as Jick's.
  • Funnest fact: Mr. Skullhead is left-handed and Jick is not.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Cray humanoid.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Humanoid Black Crayon Manloid
  • Other creatures that look human but aren't include: elves, knob goblins with their helmets on, gnolls when it's pretty dark or maybe you aren't wearing your glasses, and bureaucrats.
  • That little arm sticking out of the manloid's stomach is pretty puzzling, isn't it? Even the manloid himself seems a bit confused by it.
  • Manloids tend to have shorter lifespans than regular people, due to the unusual stresses on their spine and internal organs. They also find it very difficult to buy clothing off the rack.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Cray merkin.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Mer-Kin Black Crayon Mer-kin
  • Mer-kin generally avoid swimming though any sort of miasma, because it is bad for their gills.
  • If this particular Mer-kin seems sad to you, it is because he is missing his... gills? Head fins? Frills? What are those, anyway?
  • A real Mer-kin would be offended if you described him as being half fish and half human. In fact, they refer to both fish and humans with the same word, which roughly translates to "half Mer-kin, half idiot".
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Cray penguin.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Penguin Black Crayon Penguin
  • If you're going to draw something on white paper with a black crayon, your options are limited to penguins, polar bears, zebras, and nuns. Or some combination of thereof.
  • Black crayon penguins feed their young by regurgitating crayon shavings into their mouths.
  • Black crayon penguins are not natural swimmers, since their legs are just two little sticks.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Cray pirate.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Pirate Black Crayon Pirate
  • Most pirates have an eyepatch because they have a hook-hand and pet allergies.
  • Some pirates are experimenting with different kinds of hook-hands. For instance, crochet hook-hands are good for passing the time on long sea voyages.
  • The black crayon pirate is extra-mopey because he can't wear an earring to improve his eyesight. He doesn't even have any ears.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Cray horror.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Horror Black Crayon Shambling Monstrosity
  • The Shambling Monstrosity is not a god or an alien, per se; it's a traveler from another dimension. Remember that differentiator as your sanity starts to slip.
  • Staring at a Shambling Monstrosity can make you go insane. Staring at one through a welder's helmet will just get you really high for a couple of hours.
  • To be rid of the Shambling Monstrosity for good, you must close the gate through which it came with an elder sign, or a really sturdy padlock.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Cray slime.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Slime Black Crayon Slime
  • Slimes only have a rudimentary nervous system. They can't feel pain, but they do get mild pangs of regret sometimes.
  • Slimes also have no digestive system, relying instead on being made out of caustic acidic goo.
  • Slimes can digest everything except bone, which has lead to an uneasy truce between slimes and skeletons.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Cray weird.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is Weird Black Crayon Spiraling Shape
  • Spiraling shapes are generally drawn by the insane, for the insane.
  • This isn't a downward spiral; it's more of a clockwise spiral.
  • There's a faction of the Art History crowd that insists the spiraling shape is actually the view down someone's throat, and the wavy lines indicate a sparse beard.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Cray undead.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is Undead Black Crayon Undead Thing
  • Did you know you can make a picture out of crayon shavings and then iron them under a sheet of wax paper to create a cool picture? Try it some time!
  • If you melt a bunch of black crayons onto paper with a hairdryer, you can make a black rainbow.
  • The black crayon undead thing is slightly smarter than a zombie, but not as cool as a vampire.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Blackfriar.gif Nicesword.gif 130 This monster is a Dude black friar
  • The Black Friars used to make beer, but stopped because people ordered too much. "Look, we're not made of ale," they'd complain.
  • Here are some stations that are fun to say, but that I couldn't think of jokes for: Marylebone, Fairlop, Pimlico.
  • And finally, for all you Hitchhiker's fans: Fenchurch.
Whiteshield.gif 111 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 122 Initiative +75%
Blknight.gif Nicesword.gif 123 This monster is a Dude Black Knight
  • The black knight didn't seem racist at first, but now it kinda does.
  • The reason it seems racist is that most people haven't seen the movie Black Knight, starring Martin Lawrence, so they don't recognize the references as references, rather than random expressions of stereotypes.
  • The reason most people haven't seen that movie is because it is godawful.
Whiteshield.gif 121 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 135 Initiative +50%
Witchywoman.gif Nicesword.gif 131 This monster is a Dude black magic woman
  • The proper greeting for a black magic woman is, "¿oye, como va?"
  • Some black magic women are gypsy women, but not all gypsy women study black magic.
  • A black magic woman can be persuaded to change her evil ways, if you accompany the request with a blazin' guitar solo.
Whiteshield.gif 113 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 125 Initiative +50%
Bb ninja.gif Nicesword.gif 90 This monster is a Beast Black Ops Bugbear
  • Black Ops Bugbears are trained to hide in the shadows, even when it's high noon on an empty concrete slab.
  • The Black Ops Bugbear motto is "Shhhhh."
  • A Black Ops Bugbear can drop a pin in a quiet room and you'll never hear it hit the ground.
Whiteshield.gif 81 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +75%
Panther.gif Nicesword.gif 133 This monster is a Beast black panther
  • Black panthers are not actually a distinct species of cat -- they are actually jaguars or leopards that are affected by a genetic anomaly similar to albinism, but in reverse. I bet you weren't expecting to get a real fact here!
  • Black panthers were once very politically active, and attempted to cause government reforms by stalking and eating corrupt politicians. They were eventually discredited and disbanded through the use of smear tactics and snare traps.
  • The rarest type of panther of all is of course the mauve panther, which feeds exclusively on foreign detectives.
Whiteshield.gif 112 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 128 Initiative +50%
Blpudding2.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is a Slime black pudding
  • Black pudding is not chocolate-flavored, in case you were wondering. I fact, it's practicially the opposite of chocolate-flavored.
  • The edible type of black pudding is also known as "blood sausage", due to the fact that it's made from congealed animal blood. The mostrous sort of black pudding is also largely made of congealed blood, except it gets it from adventurers.
  • In Soviet Russia, pudding eats you. Ugh, yeah, sorry about that.
Whiteshield.gif 45 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 40 Always wins initiative
Blackwidow.gif Nicesword.gif 132 This monster is a Bug black widow
  • Black widow bites are rarely fatal if you receive immediate medical treatment. Black Widow Bites are also a terribly marketed type of candy.
  • The hourglass on a black widow's back changes color depending on her mood. She's just always angry, so it's always red.
  • Black widows actually have six legs, unlike other spi -- oh, wait, sorry. There are totally eight. I just miscounted. My bad.
Whiteshield.gif 110 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 121 Initiative +50%
Pengblackop.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Penguin Black-and-White-Ops Penguin
  • Night-vision goggles work by reflecting and amplifying starlight or other ambient light. If you want to see something really funny, use a high-powered camera flashbulb to take a photograph of someone wearing one.
  • Since penguins are short-limbed and not very flexible, their martial-arts mainly focus on joints, nerve clusters, and other pressure-points. Many of them keep collections of the kneecaps of their fallen enemies.
  • Some B&W Ops Penguins carry laser pointers in addition to their regular gear, because they enjoy a good practical joke as much as anyone.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Blackbush.gif Nicesword.gif 126 This monster is a Plant blackberry bush
  • A blackberry stalk makes a powerful weapon, if you still have any arms left after getting it away from the bush.
  • Blackberry thorns are, on average, 50% sharper than rosebush thorns, but 30% less likely to have songs written about them.
  • Have you ever eaten a blackberry right after you brush your teeth? Man, that's nasty.
Whiteshield.gif 114 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 136 Initiative +30%
Sawblade.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct blade a-spinning
  • Just imagine how big the pizza would be!
  • Their blades make really rad gongs if you happen to have a live industrial band.
  • I just made a glass of strawberry milk and it is pretty good. Strawberry-flavored milk is good, you guys
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Firebat.gif Nicesword.gif 200 This monster is a Beast blazing bat
  • The lake of fire tore his ass up.
  • He was burning to the crisp.
  • He was cast into the lake of burning flame.
Whiteshield.gif 180 This monster is Hot.  Hot is weak against Sleaze and Stench.
Hp1.gif 500 Initiative +50%
Squid.gif Nicesword.gif 25 This monster is a Beast Blooper
  • When surprised, the Blooper releases a cloud of black pixels that dissolve before you can grab them. It's pretty frustrating.
  • The Blooper's natural predator is the Mustachioed Plumber, which was hunted to nigh extinction by outraged turtle tamers.
  • The Blooper prefers Radiohead's earlier catalog, when they still knew how to rock, man.
Whiteshield.gif 22 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 15 Initiative +60%
Bluecultist.gif Nicesword.gif 135 This monster is a Dude Blue Oyster cultist
  • Blue Oyster Cultists make secret treaties with the other religious organizations.
  • Blue Oyster Cultists believe the revolution will come by night.
  • Blue Oyster Cultists are sometimes hired as agents of fortune by various governments and corporations.
Whiteshield.gif 135 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 130 Initiative +50%
Mh bluehair.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude blue-haired girl
  • The blue-haired girl doesn't dye her hair; that's her natural color. She just woke up with it one day. Maybe she's got some strange disease.
  • The blue-haired girl wears authentic 70's roller skates and rides a fixie bike. At the same time. That's hipster level 99, yo.
  • Seriously, if you haven't read the Scott Pilgrim books, you should stop reading this and read those instead.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Blur.gif Nicesword.gif 136 This monster is a Dude blur
  • The blur has only two vices: coffee and TV.
  • Scientists with too much time on their hands have concluded that the blur is most likely completely nude.
  • The blur's vision-occluding field can cause one to become mercurial and leaden. If you feel heavy metal while fighting the blur, take a break.
Whiteshield.gif 126 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 141 Initiative +40%
Boaraffe.gif Nicesword.gif 145 This monster is a Beast boaraffe
  • The boaraffe has no natural predators, except for the extra-terrestrial kind.
  • The boaraffe's tusks are actually made of hardened hair, not bone.
  • If you count a boaraffe's spots, you can tell how old it is.
Whiteshield.gif 130 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 145 Initiative +50%
Boardgamesman.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Construct board games elemental
  • Board games elementals used to be relatively small and simple creatures, until the great wizard Avalonill opened the dimensional rift to Grognardia.
  • Be certain your fellow players are not actual werewolves before agreeing to play Werewolf with them, because they'll have a natural advantage.
  • Technically, you aren't supposed to put money on Free Parking, but it does make Candyland a bit more unpredictable and fun.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Naskar2.gif Nicesword.gif 138 This monster is a Dude Bob Racecar
  • Bob Racecar has an old hound dog named Otis. It knows how to sit.
  • Bob Racecar can play the heck out of a butt tuba. His best know composition is the Air Aria.
  • Bob Racecar used to knock people out by hitting them with walnuts, but he broke the stun law and had to stop.
Whiteshield.gif 129 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 139 Initiative +80%
Bogleech.gif Nicesword.gif 44 This monster is a Bug bog leech
  • If you filled a bog leech with helium, you would be disqualified from the balloon races.
  • You might think bog leech skin would be good to make waterproof clothing out of, but in fact they are moist and gross all the way through.
  • If you took a bunch of bog leeches and dried them out, and then laid them end-to-end, you would be arrested for having the worst possible hobby ever.
Whiteshield.gif 50 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 60 Initiative +20%
Bogskeleton.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is Undead bog skeleton
  • The skeletons in the corpse bog are mainly upset about their commanding officers deciding that a swamp was a good place for a battle. After a while even the guys who were winning wished they were dead.
  • More generally, skeletons are upset because they're cold. They want to steal your nice warm skin to wear.
  • If skeletons are permitted to steal skins unchecked, the whole thing quickly snowballs into an epidemic, like Japanese umbrellas.
Whiteshield.gif 52 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 50 Initiative +25%
Bogart.gif Nicesword.gif 54 This monster is a Humanoid bogart
  • Bogarts do in fact know how to whistle.
  • Most bogarts are not actually named Steve. That's just kind of an in-joke.
  • Humphrey Bogart was actually one of the founding members (and the original leader) of the Rat Pack; Lauren Bacall is said to have coined the name. This doesn't actually have anything to do with this monster, but I thought it was interesting.
Whiteshield.gif 48 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 48 Initiative +70%
Elf boltcutters.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is an Elf bolt-cuttin' elf
  • Out-of-work bolt-cuttin' elves often find bicycle theft to be a profitable alternative to honest work.
  • An elf once tried to cut a bolt of lightning in half. It didn't work, but it did result in the modern-day cryptozoological phenomenon known as Nessie.
  • One way to avoid being hurt by a bolt-cutting elf is to act less like a bolt. How to do this is left as an exercise for the reader.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Ghost skin.gif Nicesword.gif 3 This monster is Undead boneless blobghost
  • Nobody knows who the blobghost was in life, but we can at least assume it was someone who didn't intend for their skeleton to be sold in a skeleton store.
  • Sadly, it would be pretty much impossible to reunite this ghost with its lost skeleton, because skeletons all look pretty much the same. Sorry, I guess that sounds kind of racist.
  • You may be thinking "Wait, why is the ghost a blob? It's only the person's physical body that lost its skeleton." Nope, doesn't work like that. The ghost skeleton stays with the real skeleton. Look, I don't make the rules.
Whiteshield.gif 2 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 10 Initiative +5%
Foss wyrm.gif Nicesword.gif 90 This monster is Undead Bonerdagon
  • The mighty Bonerdagon has 144 vertebrae in his neck and tail. And that's just gross.
  • The mighty Bonerdagon can't breathe fire, but c'mon. It's a miracle that he can fly with skeletal wings; let's not ask too much of the guy.
  • Let me settle this once and for all: it's pronounced "boh-nur-dah-gun." Not "bonnerdaygun," unless you're from the Midwest.
Whiteshield.gif 81 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 120 Initiative +90%
Bookbat.gif Nicesword.gif 51 This monster is a Construct bookbat
  • Regular bats sleep upside down on the ceiling of a cave -- bookbats sleep sideways, on a bookshelf.
  • A group of bookbats is known as a "club."
  • The criteria by which spirits choose which book to possess are poorly understood, though it seems to be related to whether or not the word "cheese" appears a prime number of times in the book's even-numbered chapters.
Whiteshield.gif 44 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 55 Initiative +70%
Boothslime.gif Nicesword.gif 140 This monster is a Slime booth slime
  • You should not expect a booth slime to be able to answer any questions about the display they happen to be standing in front of. Chances are, they were hired from a modelling agency, and may not have been told anything about the product at all.
  • Despite their bright blue color, booth slimes do not taste like blue raspberry, and it is not recommended that you lick them.
  • Many slime conventions are now banning booth slimes, because they are perceived as being sexist. This might seem strange, since most slimes reproduce via mitosis, but slimes love a good internet argument as much as anyone.
Whiteshield.gif 126 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +50%
Bootycrab.gif Nicesword.gif 100 This monster is a Beast booty crab
  • Booty crabs can tangle their pincers in your hair, so shaving is a good way to get rid of them.
  • A fine-toothed comb and special soap won't get rid of booty crabs, but will make them better groomed and nicer smelling.
  • The droppings of a booty crab are commonly known as "crab apples."
Whiteshield.gif 90 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 70 Always wins initiative
Boozegiant.gif Nicesword.gif 76 This monster is a Humanoid Booze Giant
  • A recent survey indicates that Booze Giants' favorite type of booze is "Whaddya got?"
  • It takes four pints of whisky to fill a giant's shot glass! Consequently, booze giants tend to stick with cheap store-brand liquor.
  • The amount of alcohol it takes to get a booze giant good and hammered would kill you, and probably everyone in your immediate family as well!
Whiteshield.gif 68 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 66 Initiative +80%
Borgabeeping.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct borg a-beeping
  • Look you'd be angsty too if you had things on the side of your head that sent out visible sound waves all of the time. How does he even sleep?
  • He can't do a lot of things with those knife hands, but he's really good at cutting the crusts off of sandwiches.
  • He doesn't do topiary, though. That was a different guy.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Bossbat.gif Nicesword.gif 33 This monster is a Beast Boss Bat
  • The boss bat has weak eyesight, but he can listen to hear where you are.
  • Each of the bat's heads controls the wing on its side, which makes flying a tricky joint effort.
  • The Boss Bat can be pacified by placing your fingers through the notches in its spine.
Whiteshield.gif 29 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 40 Initiative +60%
Deadbossbat.gif Nicesword.gif 33 This monster is Undead Boss Bat?
  • The bodyguard Bats are desperate to keep their jobs, because all those protein shakes are expensive.
  • Rigging the boss bat with marionette strings was difficult, but his secret nipple piercings helped a bit.
  • Why yes, the Boss Bat's first name is Bernie, as a matter of fact. How did you guess?
Whiteshield.gif 29 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 40 Initiative +60%
Whiskey.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is Weird bottle of cheap whiskey
  • I don't know much about whiskey but did you know it is a type of distilled alcoholic beverage made from fermented grain mash?
  • Whisky is typically aged in wooden casks, generally made of charred white oak.
  • Most whiskies are sold at or near an alcoholic strength of 40% abv, which is the statutory minimum in some countries -- although the strength can vary, and cask-strength whisky may have as much as twice that alcohol percentage.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Crimonster3.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is Undead bow-making mummy
  • The Egyptians experimented with wrapping mummies in colored paper, but gave that up because giftwrapping something that isn't square is a tremendous pain in the neck.
  • Did you know that if you scrape a mummy's bandages along the edge of a pair of scissors, they get all fancy and curly?
  • You didn't know that because it is a lie.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 55 Never wins initiative
Cricket.gif Nicesword.gif 99999 This monster is a Bug Bowling Cricket
  • Did you know that a grasshopper and a cricket are two completely different insects? Neither did the guy who created this monster!
  • When a bowling cricket rubs its wings together, the resulting tone is a low enough frequency to make your stomach feel queasy.
  • The bowling cricket had a brief career as a puppet's conscience, which ended when he accidentally sat on the puppet and turned it into kindling.
Whiteshield.gif 89999 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 99999 Never wins initiative
Box adv.gif Nicesword.gif 150 This monster is a Constellation Box
  • WHAT'S IN THE BOX? WHAT'S IN THE BOOOOOOX? Well, the vast vacuum of space, a few stars, and little else.
  • The Crackpot Mystic believes this constellation is a giant 3-dimensional pixel.
  • A schism formed in the astronomy community whether to call this the Box or the Cube. It lead to a bloody three-hour war which was resolved when everyone agreed 'box' was funnier.
Whiteshield.gif 135 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +70%
Pa muffin.gif Nicesword.gif 30 This monster is Weird box of Batter Mix of Hope
  • Make your own pancake mix: a cup of flour, a tablespoon of baking powder, two tablespoons of sugar, two tablespoons of butter, one egg, a cup of milk.
  • No one ever wants to try my beer-batter pancakes. Maybe it's that I use malt vinegar instead of syrup.
  • What wizardry is batter! You can pour it in a cup and it's a cupcake, or cook it on a griddle and make a pancake, or dip things in it and deep fry them. It's, like, the duct tape of comestibles.
Whiteshield.gif 100 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +100%
Mystwander5.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is Weird Box of Crafty Dinner
  • If you had a million meat, you wouldn't have to eat this Crafty Dinner. But you would; you'd just eat more!
  • And you'd get really expensive ketchups to go with it. Like, dijon ketchup.
  • The Crafty Dinner Corporation insists that the pasta is supposed to be shaped like little lighthouses with boulders at the base of them, but they were smirking when they said it.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Broombrain.gif Nicesword.gif 18 This monster is a Construct Brainsweeper
  • Fernswarthy also created a dustpan that skittered around on hundreds of tiny feet, but it was too creepy even for a mad wizard/scientist.
  • The brain inside of the brainsweeper once belonged to a fellow named Abby Normal.
  • The first prototype was a brainmopper, but it kept falling over itself on its own wet floors.
Whiteshield.gif 16 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 9 Initiative +60%
Bram.gif Nicesword.gif 164 This monster is Undead Bram the Stoker
  • Bram the Stoker is the only remaining living servant of Lord and Lady Spookyraven.
  • Bram the Stoker plans to one day collect all the letters he's sent and make a novel out of them, but first he has to get the recipients to send them all back.
  • Bram the Stoker briefly considered a career as a life coach, but people are far harder to stoke than boilers.
Whiteshield.gif 148 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 170 Initiative +50%
Breadgolem.gif Nicesword.gif 16 This monster is a Construct Bread Golem
  • Many bread golems are made out of pumpernickel bread. This is because 'pumpernickel' is German for "farting goblin", which is hilarious.
  • The French make bread golems in two styles: very tall and thin, and very small and curved. The latter are not very useful for guarding your secret lair.
  • Bread makes you fat.
Whiteshield.gif 14 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 8 Initiative +60%
Breakdancer.gif Nicesword.gif 140 This monster is a Dude breakdancing raver
  • The breakdancing raver can do the Whale, the Worm, and the Wyvern.
  • The world record for spinning on one's head is currently a full 1080 degrees of revolution. Sadly, the record holder perished after the attempt, as he didn't know his body should be spinning as well.
  • The breakdancing raver smells like sweat, candy, and Mick's Icyvapohotness Rub.
Whiteshield.gif 126 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Always wins initiative
Brick sleaze.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct brick (suggestive pause) house
  • The brick (suggestive pause) house is a great place for people who want the funk, because there's a pretty thick funk in there from all the parties.
  • Inside the brick (suggestive pause) house, all kinds of words have different meanings, like 'party,' and 'swing,' and 'top,' and 'bicycle.'
  • The brick (suggestive pause) house usually has hot-and-cold running massage oil coming out of the taps. Which is great and all, until you actually need to wash your hands.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Brick cold.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct brick icehouse
  • A brick icehouse is kind of like a brick outhouse, but under no circumstances should you substitute one for the other.
  • Some people build brick icehouses out of bricks made of ice, but then that's just an igloo.
  • In American vernacular, an igloo is called an igbathroom.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster is Cold.  Cold is weak against Hot and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Brick hot.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct brick kiln
  • A brick kiln is a nice place to make pottery, but you wouldn't want to live there.
  • In fact, hairy potters usually get their arm and hand hair singed off just putting crockery in there.
  • Be careful putting pottery into the kiln; even the most seasoned potter has had a piece explode from the heat, leaving a lightning-bolt-shaped scar on his forehead.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster is Hot.  Hot is weak against Sleaze and Stench.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Brick spooky.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct brick mausoleum
  • Most zombie pigs don't do much more than wallow in mud and grunt, so they're pretty indistinguishable from regular pigs.
  • Bacon made from zombie pigs can transmit zombie-ness to humans unless it's cooked until it's nice and crispy.
  • Skeleton pigs may look disturbing, but you can make all kinds of jokes about "bone-in pork" because of them. Okay, maybe just the one joke.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Kok tender.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude Brick Mulligan, the Bartender
  • Your average bartender is just doing this to pay for college.
  • Your average bartender has been doing this for three decades.
  • College doesn't normally take three decades.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Brick stench.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct brick outhouse
  • It is required by both ancient tradition and modern building codes that outhouses have a crescent moon on the door.
  • Outhouses were mostly replaced in the Kingdom with inhouses, once modern plumbing became a thing.
  • Oddly enough, the Gnolls in DeGrassi Knoll still have outhouses, even though they invented the plunger.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Brickoairship.gif Nicesword.gif 550 This monster is a Construct BRICKO airship
  • Given the basic un-aerodynamic qualities of BRICKO, it's amazing that an airship made of one can actually fly. Scientists suspect that bumblebees may somehow be involved.
  • The most popular color of BRICKO block is blue, closely followed by red. The most popular flavor of BRICKO block is plastic.
  • The world's record for most BRICKO blocks used in a single construction is 1,524,876. The world's record for the fewest BRICKO blocks used in a single construction is two.
Whiteshield.gif 495 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 10000 Initiative +175%
Brickobat.gif Nicesword.gif 70 This monster is a Construct BRICKO bat
  • One easy way to defeat a BRICKO bat is to take its wings and put them on the bottom close together, turning it into a capital "i."
  • BRICKO bats' guano are those little one-bump-sized stud BRICKO thingies.
  • BRICKO bats can only sleep upside-down if you build the cave playset inside out so the nubbly bits on the ceiling are facing inward.
Whiteshield.gif 63 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +30%
Brickocathedral.gif Nicesword.gif 725 This monster is a Construct BRICKO cathedral
  • The Cathedral's flying buttresses are controversial to BRICKO enthusiasts, since they use some custom pieces instead of the standard BRICKO bricks.
  • BRICKO enthusiasts, as evidenced by the previous statement, could use a hobby. Another hobby, I mean.
  • Some BRICKO enthusiasts have quit BRICKO for fly fishing, so they can still have parts of their hobby that are dangerous to step on.
Whiteshield.gif 652 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 100000 Initiative +200%
Brickoelephant.gif Nicesword.gif 130 This monster is a Construct BRICKO elephant
  • The standard BRICKO elephant is an "African" elephant, having larger ears and more wrinkled skin (somehow) than its Asian counterpart.
  • King Yore II would give a BRICKO elephant to courtiers who had overstayed their welcome, and then watch as it trampled their spleens into the dirt. Yore II was kind of a dick.
  • It's a myth that BRICKO elephants are afraid of BRICKO mice, but no one's told them it's a myth, so they still believe it.
Whiteshield.gif 117 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 200 Initiative +80%
Brickogchicken.gif Nicesword.gif 1000 This monster is a Construct BRICKO gargantuchicken
  • The gargantuchicken is the second biggest toy fowl in the universe.
  • The BRICKO gargantuchicken is a life-size recreation of an extinct species. They could have gone with dinosaurs, but instead, we get the chicken.
  • The chicken came first, okay? Just go with it.
Whiteshield.gif 900 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 1000000 Initiative +300%
Brickoctopus.gif Nicesword.gif 140 This monster is a Construct BRICKO octopus
  • BRICKO was invented by a parent who felt he wasn't stepping on nearly enough tiny pointy things when he walked around the house barefoot.
  • The manufacturers of BRICKO completely deny the rumor that every BRICKO block contains the soul of a murdered orphan.
  • The BRICKO block with the eyes on it is where the octopus keeps its brains, and handkerchief.
Whiteshield.gif 126 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 250 Initiative +90%
Brickoblob.gif Nicesword.gif 40 This monster is a Construct BRICKO ooze
  • The plural of BRICKO is BRICKO. There's no such thing as "a bunch of BRICKOs."
  • Those who insist on correcting you when you say "a bunch of BRICKOs" are still pedantic jerks, though.
  • It's impossible to use the word "pedantic" in a conversation without instantly becoming that which you're decrying.
Whiteshield.gif 36 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 50 Initiative +20%
Brickooyster.gif Nicesword.gif 100 This monster is a Construct BRICKO oyster
  • In coastal third-world countries, children are often employed as divers to collect BRICKO oysters from the bottom of the sea, which are then disassembled to build houses.
  • BRICKO pearls are highly prized by some people who think they're an aphrodisiac. But really, just about any part of any animal is considered to be an aphrodisiac by someone.
  • The largest BRICKO oyster on record was more than five feet across, which is weird because it was still only nine blocks, and they were much too large to be compatible with any other BRICKO blocks.
Whiteshield.gif 90 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 120 Initiative +50%
Brickopython.gif Nicesword.gif 160 This monster is a Construct BRICKO python
  • Though they can squeeze stuff until the cows come home (or squeeze cows until the farmer comes home), pythons are terrible at lifting weights.
  • One out of every forty pythons is born vegetarian, but they almost always pretend to like live prey so that they don't get made fun of at python school.
  • Python health is no laughing matter -- if your pythons are sick, don't just stand around strutting and flexing your muscles -- seek veterinary attention immediately!
Whiteshield.gif 144 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 300 Initiative +100%
Brickoturtle.gif Nicesword.gif 120 This monster is a Construct BRICKO turtle
  • BRICKOs are manufactured with the strictest quality control, and contain only trace amounts of lead, rodent parts, and industrial pesticides.
  • BRICKO bricks come in three vibrant colors: black, white, and gray.
  • BRICKO turtles can also be BRICKO cats with their backs arched, if you add three bricks for the tail.
Whiteshield.gif 108 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +70%
Brickovacuum.gif Nicesword.gif 400 This monster is a Construct BRICKO vacuum cleaner
  • The BRICKO Vacuum Cleaner was the most popular fully-functional BRICKO model. The BRICKO Eye Speculum was the least popular.
  • Stepping on a BRICKO brick is the third most painful thing a human body can experience, next to eye-speculuming and childbirth.
  • Sorry, I'm just really into freaking out people who don't like eye speculums with this one.
Whiteshield.gif 360 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 2500 Initiative +150%
Casebat.gif Nicesword.gif 17 This monster is a Beast briefcase bat
  • It's not important what's inside the briefcase bat's briefcase, okay? It's just a metaphor.
  • The exterior of the briefcase bat is made of textured vinyl rather than bat hide. That's what you get when you evolve in a strong magical field.
  • The combination to every briefcase bat is 1234. It's like what some idiot would have as the combination on his luggage.
Whiteshield.gif 15 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 11 Initiative +60%
Bath bubble.gif Nicesword.gif 135 This monster is a Fish Bristled Man-O-War
  • Bristled Man-O-War bodies are sought after for use as car-wash brushes.
  • Despite demand, there isn't much of a secondary marked[sic] in Bristled Man-O-War bristles.
  • Most would-be Bristled Man-O-War harvesters have a brush with death early on, and quit while they're ahead.
Whiteshield.gif 135 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 160 Initiative +500%
Iceguy5.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude Brock "Rocky" Flox
  • Perhaps "Rocky" Flox is just misunderstood,
    Or maybe he's just a big jerk who's no good.
  • In his spare time, "Rocky" Flox likes to box,
    You'd give half your socks to see "Rocky" Flox box.
  • If you get him quite drunk, "Rocky" Flox then confesses
    He likes to dress kittens in tiny pink dresses.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +50%
Broctopus.gif Nicesword.gif 375 This monster is a Fish broctopus
  • Broctopuses make fun of all the fish who don't even lift.
  • Broctopuses use their eight tentacles to hold eight bottles of Russian Ice at once, so they can ice unsuspecting fish.
  • Broctopuses are all a little sad that fish don't wear underwear, so they can't wedgie nerd fish.
Whiteshield.gif 300 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 500 Initiative +50%
Bronzechef.gif Nicesword.gif 99999 This monster is a Construct Bronze Chef
  • The Bronze Chef has no heart, but it does have a molybdenum tongue for tasting.
  • The Bronze Chef cooks according to three laws: First, do no harm, Second, preserve oneself, Third, make ice cream out of fish whenever possible.
  • The Bronze Chef is never washed with detergents, just seasoned with olive oil and scrubbed with a handful of salt on occasion.
Whiteshield.gif 89999 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 99999 Never wins initiative
Babyseal.gif Nicesword.gif 80 This monster is a Demon broodling seal
  • Don't let the big cute eyes fool you -- these creatures are constantly thinking about murder. They're like kittens in that regard.
  • The final rite of manhood in most Seal Clubber tribes is to kill a broodling seal. If the young Seal Clubber can bring himself to slaughter something that's so cute, then he is finally ready to be a man. (Or woman, as the case may be.)
  • Some Seal Clubber soothsayers use broodling intestines to read the future. Their predictions usually involve the camp being attacked by mother seals.
Whiteshield.gif 90 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 100 Never wins initiative
Togafrat.gif Nicesword.gif 200 This monster is an Orc Brutus, the toga-clad lout
  • The toga party was invented by a frat boy who thought it might be somewhat easier to get sorority girls between the sheets, if they were already wearing the sheets in question.
  • Brutus won his laurel wreath at the National Frat Olympics two years ago, by shotgunning an entire keg of beer. He then crushed the empty keg against his forehead, which was not actually necessary, but the judges all agreed it was "wicked sick".
  • It was rumored that Brutus stabbed the president of his fraternity to death, but this was mainly brought on by confusion over the fact that nobody had been able to find him. It turned out that he had unexpectedly graduated.
Whiteshield.gif 180 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 280 Initiative +60%
Twins bubble.gif Nicesword.gif 93 This monster is a Dude Bubblemint Twins
  • The twins' favorite gum flavor is Fresh-o-Winto-Mint, a proprietary flavor of the Bubblemint Corporation.
  • Though in a pinch, they'll make do with some Groovy-Fruity-Tango.
  • The Bubblemint Twins' chewing gum does, in fact, lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight.
Whiteshield.gif 83 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 90 Initiative +40%
Bb ghost.gif Nicesword.gif 60 This monster is Undead bugaboo
  • The plural of Bugaboo is Bugaboo.
  • Bugaboo can't be exorcised, but they can be caught in proton traps.
  • Bugbears don't believe in ghosts, which is weird since they brought ghosts on the ship with them.
Whiteshield.gif 54 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 70 Initiative +50%
Bb captain.gif Nicesword.gif 280 This monster is a Beast Bugbear Captain
  • The Bugbear Captain answers only to the Bugbear Admiral, who is even bigger and uglier.
  • Spacefaring bugbears spend the empty time between the stars in cryo-sleep, listening to books on tape to improve their golf swing.
  • The Bugbear Ship is called, in rough translation, "The Beneficent Vessel Hard Round Crystallized Sugar on a Stick." It sounds better in their language.
Whiteshield.gif 288 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 1337 Initiative +200%
Bb drone.gif Nicesword.gif 135 This monster is a Construct bugbear drone
  • Bugbear drones run on the beta release of Bugbear OS 9, which adds a lot of touchscreen functionality. For example, to have it remove your fingers, you can "pinch" anywhere on its body.
  • The Bugbear drone gets about 8 hours of battery life and up to 10 hours of standby time, provided you turn off its wi-fi antenna.
  • Of course you can watch Netflix on the bugbear drone.
Whiteshield.gif 121 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +75%
Bb mortician.gif Nicesword.gif 65 This monster is a Beast bugbear mortician
  • The sawdust used to stuff dead bugbears helps retain a lifelike pudgy bugbear belly.
  • The corn meal mixed with the sawdust is merely ceremonial; it reminds the living that cornbread is delicious.
  • Bugbears don't bury their dead. They mount them on plaques and display them in the next-of-kin's living room.
Whiteshield.gif 76 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 60 Initiative +25%
Robosurgeon.gif Nicesword.gif 15 This monster is a Construct bugbear robo-surgeon
  • Bugbear robosurgeons run on Bugbear OS 8, which enables them to multi-task so they can sever multiple limbs at the same time.
  • The laser was intended to cauterize wounds, but was deliberately miscalibrated so it just causes them.
  • The bugbear's drill is less "dental" and more "can cut a hole in solid concrete."
Whiteshield.gif 22 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 20 Initiative +50%
Bb science.gif Nicesword.gif 45 This monster is a Beast bugbear scientist
  • Bugbears are specieist, not sexist, so it's no big deal that some of the scientists are female, provided they're female bugbears.
  • Bugbear science is rarely peer-reviewed, because all of the peers are jealously guarding their own deadly experiments while trying to steal each others' secrets.
  • The bugbear scientific method inserts "randomly splice DNA from a plant and/or animal" in between "Construct a Hypothesis" and "Test with an experiment."
Whiteshield.gif 40 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 50 Initiative +50%
Binbox.gif Nicesword.gif 16 This monster is a Beast bugbear-in-the-box
  • The inside of the bugbear-in-a-box's box is moist, clammy, and pulsating. Don't stick your hand in there, is all I'm saying.
  • Even though the bugbear-in-a-box is just a head, it still keeps an extra pair of pants for adventurers to steal. That's rather accommodating, don't you think?
  • The bugbear-in-a-box is so angry because it has an itch in all of its phantom limbs.
Whiteshield.gif 16 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 11 Initiative +70%
Bugbugbear.gif Nicesword.gif 17 This monster is a Beast bugged bugbear
  • Warning: mysql_fetch_assoc(): supplied argument is not a valid MySQL result resource in /home/jick/htdocs/factoid_retrieval.php on line 717
  • Warning: mysql_fetch_assoc(): supplied argument is not a valid MySQL result resource in /home/jick/htdocs/factoid_retrieval.php on line 718
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Whiteshield.gif 16 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 14 Initiative +50%
Bulletbill.gif Nicesword.gif 25 This monster is a Construct Bullet Bill
  • Bullet Bills fly so slowly that they would take a full minute to go through an average person. A very unpleasant minute.
  • Bullet Bills are all left-handed.
  • Bullet Bills' arms appear to be made of skin, muscle, and bone, leading some to speculate that the whole organism is a guy in a suit with his arms poking out.
Whiteshield.gif 22 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 15 Initiative +60%
Bullseal.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is a Demon bulwark bull seal
  • Bulwark bull seals are often afflicted with sebaceous cysts, which makes them angry all the time. It also makes them gross.
  • As children, bulwark bull seals use their constant supply of disgusting sweat to turn every available surface into a Slip-n-Slide.
  • Bulwarlk[sic] bull seals often use a combat maneuver called "the flop sweat," in which they flop on top of an opponent and then sweat on them until they drown.
Whiteshield.gif 55 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 100 Never wins initiative
Ratbunch.gif Nicesword.gif 20 This monster is a Beast bunch of drunken rats
  • The metal beer keg was invented as a defense against drunken tavern rats, who kept chewing through the old wooden barrels.
  • Some tavern owners have tried to get rid of drunken rat infestations by setting out shots of alcohol laced with poison, also called "Mickeys".
  • Rumors that many famous beers include dead rats as a secret ingredient are false, but many brewers do use the number of drowned rats they find in the vats as an indicator of when the recipe is finally perfected.
Whiteshield.gif 18 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 16 Initiative +80%
Pa meat.gif Nicesword.gif 30 This monster is Weird bundle of Meat of Happiness
  • Medium Rare maximum. Otherwise, you're eating shoe leather or charcoal. There is no negotiation on this.
  • Just kidding about the 'hippy' thing in the monster description. Plenty of reasonable people choose to not eat meat. The best of such people never make a big fuss about it, though.
  • Pan-searing meat doesn't really lock in the juices, as people mistakenly believe. But it does lock in the deliciousness.
Whiteshield.gif 100 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +100%
Bunsen.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Construct Bunsen burner and beaker
  • The first Bunsen burners were invented by Robert Bunsen, an avid camper who wanted to figure out how to make s'mores inside.
  • "Beakers" are so named because the spout on the front looks like a bird's beak.
  • In a pinch, a beaker and Bunsen burner can be used to heat up a bowl of ramen. Just make sure you wash out the beaker, or at least add some sriracha to mask the chemical aftertaste of whatever was in there.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Sidekick.gif Nicesword.gif 100 This monster is a Dude Burly Sidekick
  • The burly sidekick is terrified of flying! His buddies had to drug his milk to get him on the airship.
  • The burly sidekick does have an arm inside that gun, which is less hardcore than having your arm replaced with a gun.
  • The burly sidekick is secretly having an affair with the spunky princess! The quiet healer knows, but . . .
Whiteshield.gif 90 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +80%
Adv hot3.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude Burnglar
  • The advantage of burning a place down after you've robbed it is that nobody knows anything was stolen.
  • Gas stations, smoke shops, and kerosene stores are also popular targets for burnglars, of course.
  • Some extra-enterprising (and brave) burnglars also steal the fire trucks.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Blankmook.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude burner
  • Also, why limit yourself to just burning men?
  • You have to admit though, the videos of the exploding robot dinosaurs are pretty awesome.
  • If not captured, these guys will eventually burn themselves out.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +?%
Snakeboss4.gif Nicesword.gif 160 This monster is a Beast Burning Snake of Fire
  • The Burning Snake of Fire is a burning thing, and it makes a fiery ring.
  • The Burning Snake of Fire is bound by one desire: to cook and eat you.
  • The Burning Snake of Fire takes its name from a song by a musician who was not at all punk, yet whom all punk rockers inexplicably revere.
Whiteshield.gif 160 This monster is Hot.  Hot is weak against Sleaze and Stench.
Hp1.gif 175 Initiative +50%
Nparty burnout.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude burnout
  • Winners don't use drugs.
  • Socrates was a winner.
  • Therefore, hemlock is not a drug.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Bishop.gif Nicesword.gif 163 This monster is a Constellation Burrowing Bishop
  • I swear to you, for years now I thought that picture was a weird-looking hat. But it's actually two legs and a robe sticking out of the ground.
  • The burrowing bishop is a formidable foe, both in the sky and on the chess board.
  • The burrowing bishop's biggest find was the actual skull of Saint Osteus, a saint who performed miracles despite having no flesh on his head.
Whiteshield.gif 146 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +70%
Bush.gif Nicesword.gif 156 This monster is a Constellation Bush
  • Astronomers have named the three berry stars in the constellation: the top left one's Chuck, the top right is Halle, and the bottom one is Hannabar.
  • The bush's resemblance to a head cocked quizzically to the side was ignored by astronomers, since that didn't lend itself to genital slang.
  • Oops, I guess I just let the cat out of the bag with the constellation names. Sorry, everyone.
Whiteshield.gif 140 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +70%
Bushippy.gif Nicesword.gif 35 This monster is a Hippy business hippy
  • Business Hippies are necessary because regular hippies only understand commerce in the form of bartering for clay beads, and they need someone who understands money to go out and buy the fancy polymer clay they like.
  • Business hippy briefcases are generally made of hemp, although sometimes a particularly cunning hippy will have a briefcase made from naturally-shed snake skins.
  • The most famous business hippy in history is said to have traded a few miles of worthless coastline in exchange for a huge pile of really awesome beads.
Whiteshield.gif 34 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 25 Never wins initiative
Hedgerow.gif Nicesword.gif 145 This monster is Weird Bustle in the Hedgerow
  • A group of hedgerows is called a "maze."
  • A group of mazes is called a "maze book."
  • There have never been enough "maze books" alive at the same time for anybody to name a group of them.
Whiteshield.gif 130 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +60%
Pa knife.gif Nicesword.gif 11 This monster is Weird Butterknife of Regret
  • Never bring a butterknife to a steak knife fight.
  • Ironically, a butterknife is nowhere near sharp enough to cut a stick of butter that's been in the fridge. Then again, nothing is.
  • You're honestly better off with some spreadable margarine for toast. That way you won't risk destroying the bread while you're trying to butter it. Science!
Whiteshield.gif 9 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 12 Initiative +50%
Vulture.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Beast buzzard
  • The term for a group of buzzards is a "blizzard".
  • Buzzards and vultures are basically the same thing, but buzzards are more "old-westy" for some reason.
  • A buzzard's gizzard is called a guzzard.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +100%
Buzzerker.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Bug buzzerker
  • The buzzerker's love for you is like a truck, in that he'd like to run you over.
  • The buzzerker drinks only fermented honey, for maximum sugar rush/booze rage.
  • The buzzerker's helmet horns are actually ant mandibles.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Buzzy.gif Nicesword.gif 20 This monster is a Bug Buzzy Beetle
  • The Buzzy Beetle's shell is the third hardest thing in the Kingdom. Only diamonds and Gnollish Algebra are harder.
  • The Buzzy Beetle's shell is coated with secreted oil on the bottom, so it goes far and fast when kicked. Also, it's gross if you try to pick it up.
  • Buzzy Beetle's are impervious to fire, but sensitive to the "burn" of a well-placed insult.
Whiteshield.gif 18 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 15 Initiative +60%

Unobtainable

C10bge.gif Nicesword.gif 0 Nopic2.gif Best Game Ever
  • Does it seem like an exaggeration to call this the Best Game Ever? Well, it isn't. It's just an objective fact.
  • The Best Game Ever is notable for having an excellent player community, despite the fact that the playerbase is suuuuuuuper stuuuuuuupid.
  • Although this game is of course the Best Game Ever, and always will be, the next one is going to be even better!
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +100%

References

  • The batrat's third entry is alluding to bat-themed vigilante Batman.
  • The Brainsweeper's second entry is a reference to the 1974 comedy film Young Frankenstein.
  • The bee swarm's third entry references a question on the radio where anakedjew? asked "who would win a fight, The Incredible Hulk or the The Incredible Hulk's weight in bees?"
  • The beelephant's third entry refers to the myth that it is aerodynamically impossible for bees to fly.
  • The Best Game Ever's 2nd factoid is a reference to an excerpt from the December 6, 2007 radio show in which Jick revealed Riff's opinion (by speaking in a high-pitched voice) that the players were "super stupid" and would never find anything in the first stage of the The LAAAAME Observatory (which was solved in about a day).
  • The Bugbear ship's name could also be translated as "The Good Ship Lollipop."
  • The Burnout's first entry is a reference to the anti-drug slogan used in arcade games from 1989 to 2000.
  • The Burnout's second entry is a reference to the ancient Greek philosopher Socrates and his execution via drinking Hemlock.
  • The Bush's berries are a reference to, respectively, Chuck Berry, Halle Berry, and Hanna-Barbera
  • The Buzzerker's first entry is a reference to the song "Berserker" by the band "Love Among Freaks", which appeared in the movie "Clerks".