Monster Manuel (A)

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There are 88 creatures filed under A.

Monster Manuel Entries
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Other
Gremlinamc.gif Nicesword.gif 170 This monster is a Humanoid A.M.C. gremlin
  • Some researchers believe the AMC Gremlin to be evidence that gremlins are a degenerate offshoot of the Crimbo Elf, due to their mechanical skills. However, their research equipment usually falls apart before they get a chance to publish.
  • Be careful never to feed gremlins after midnight. And by 'feed', I mean "allow them to chew on your face".
  • People make snarky jokes about time zones and so on, but the gremlin prohibition on feeding is obviously based on local time, because of their sensitivity to sunlight -- don't feed them between midnight and sunrise. How hard was that, Mr. Sarcasm?
Whiteshield.gif 153 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 170 Initiative +60%
Abcrusher.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Construct Abcrusher 4000™
  • The Abcrusher 4000™ can give you those coveted cheese-grater abs in just five seconds a day!
  • The Abcrusher 4000™ also makes juices and smoothies!
  • The Abcrusher 4000™ comes with a life-time meat-back guarantee! NOW HOW MUCH WOULD YOU PAY?!
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Adv smart1.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude Accountant-Barbarian
  • The green eyeshade helps keep blood-spray out of his eyes, as well as the sun.
  • Accountant-Barbarians never have to worry about running out of red ink.
  • Most Accountant-Barbarians worship Glom, the god of taking with both hands and defending it with your teeth.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Lower b.gif Nicesword.gif 58 This monster is a Slime acid blob
  • The ph level of the acidic blob tends to hover around 3, depending on its last meal.
  • Truly brave blacksmiths use tamed acidic blobs to etch nifty designs in swords, and occasionally accidentally their own arms.
  • The only way to really get rid of an acidic blob is to drop some base on it, so keep some dubstep music handy.
Whiteshield.gif 52 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 70 Initiative +40%
Electriceel.gif Nicesword.gif 400 This monster is a Fish acoustic electric eel
  • The first time the acoustic electric eel performed with his new power, some of the fish in the audience booed and shouted "Judas!"
  • The acoustic electric eel had to spend hours learning how to play "The Old Brown Jug" and "Blowing in the Wind" before he got to rock out like he always wanted to.
  • The acoustic electric eel's scales are all pentatonic. That's a music theory joke, kids.
Whiteshield.gif 360 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 500 Initiative +200%
1boy2cups.gif Nicesword.gif 45 This monster is an Orc actual orcish frat boy
  • Here's a hint for Frat Boys and other related types: if the word printed on the ass of her shorts is "Jailbait" -- don't.
  • I was going to make a joke here about how, below a certain age, it's like all the girls have had Brazilians, but... eugh.
  • It could be worse. Last week, this guy got kicked out of a dude's birthday party for hitting on the girls in the bouncy castle.
Whiteshield.gif 63 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +60%
Advecho.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude Adventurer echo
  • It's you from the future. You already know everything about... er, hmm. I guess you don't.
  • Because, as we have established, this thing is from the future, Manuel doesn't know anything about it either.
  • The future is apparently bright, because you think this thing is wearing shades.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Awolsnake1.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Beast aggressive grass snake
  • Grass snakes got their name by being the same color, the same length, and the same threat level as a blade of grass.
  • In the modern era, natural grass snakes have waned in popularity relative to artificial turf snakes, the latter being more expensive but easier to maintain.
  • The grass snake belongs to a specific sub-order of Serpentes that also includes the cash snake and the ass snake.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Whitebat.gif Nicesword.gif 12 This monster is a Beast albino bat
  • Some people consider albino bats to be an omen of good luck, but clearly those people have never had one tangled up in their hair.
  • If an albino bat eats a lot of fireflies, you can see them growing through its pale transluscent skin! It's really freaky!
  • Albino bat guano makes excellent fertilizer, if you don't mind having vegetables that look like they've been attacked by a vampire bunny rabbit.
Whiteshield.gif 12 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 8 Initiative +60%
Mar alert.gif Nicesword.gif 200 This monster is a Dude alert mariachi
  • The amount of coffee drunk by mariachis in a year would fill an entire Olympics worth of swimming pools, so long as the swimmers didn't mind being scalded by hot coffee.
  • Alert mariachis lean against cacti, because the needles help keep them awake. They may look like they're sleeping, but that's just to trick you.
  • The alert marichi still takes the traditional siesta, and will be extremely cross if you attempt to sneak past him while he's napping. That's very rude.
Whiteshield.gif 180 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 250 Initiative +300%
Alielf.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Horror alielf
  • The upside to alien DNA is it makes your blood acidic, so you can freak out dental hygienists who poke your gums and then act surprised that they're bleeding.
  • Loathing scientists have yet to fully sequence the alien genome, but believe they've isolated the "desire to kill the crap out of everything" gene.
  • Some speculate that aliens use fat to store water in their heads the way that camels do with their humps, but no one wants to get close enough to them to find out.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +50%
Spelunkalien.gif Nicesword.gif 40 This monster is a Humanoid alien
  • The homeworld of this species won last year's Better Planets and Galaxies award for "Most Violent."
  • The protuberances on this alien's bottom serve as arms, legs, noses and pedipalps. They are also where the tenderest and juiciest meat is.
  • These aliens don't speak, communicating instead via telepathy. This is made easier by the fact that their language only contains one expression: "DIE DIE DIE."
Whiteshield.gif 40 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 40 Never wins initiative
Muthamster.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Horror alien hamsterpus
  • The alien hamsterpus can run faster than a human being, but fortunately it only does so on a giant exercise wheel.
  • You can neutralize an alien hamsterpus by spiking its giant water bottle.
  • If you shred a little newspaper for your alien hamsterpus, it'll go right to sleep.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +100%
Spelunkalienq.gif Nicesword.gif 70 This monster is Weird alien queen
  • The alien queen is a terrible driver -- this is why the UFO is underground instead of... y'know... in space.
  • The alien queen's primary responsibility is giving birth to new aliens. The alien queen's secondary responsibility is cleaning out the gutters on the UFO.
  • The alien queen has no tertiary responsibilities, because she psychically murders anybody who tries to give her any more responsibilities than she already has.
Whiteshield.gif 70 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 70 Never wins initiative
Spelunkufo.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is a Construct alien UFO
  • When one of these things is destroyed, it violently self-destructs, leaving behind only the pilot.
  • Why don't they just make the whole ship out of the stuff they make the pilot out of, am I right?
  • Actually, that would be horrible. Can you even imagine an entire spaceship made out of that pulsating green flesh? Forget I said anything.
Whiteshield.gif 50 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 50 Never wins initiative
Catfish.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Fish alley catfish
  • Alley catfish don't have nine lives, but they do have an assortment of diseases.
  • Alley catfish don't make good pets. They're feral and not used to human companionship. Also, they're fish.
  • Remember to get your catfish spayed or neutered. Or turned into nuggets.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +70%
Giant alphabet.gif Nicesword.gif 145 This monster is a Humanoid Alphabet Giant
  • You may be wondering where the Alphabet Giant got those letters. In fact, he used to work at a giant alphabet soup factory, but he got fired for stealing from the supply cupboard.
  • The Alphabet Giant tried to get a job on an educational childrens' program, but kept freaking out and attacking the puppets.
  • The alphabet giant's favorite letters are F and U.
Whiteshield.gif 130 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +80%
Elf amateur.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is an Elf amateur elf
  • It might seem like just going around breaking stuff would be easy, but remember that the Crimbo elves have spent generations building things. Destroying them is an entirely different skill-set.
  • It's also harder than you might think to break Crimbo equipment, because everything is made to be pretty much foolproof. This is because elves are pretty much fools.
  • This guy was so confused when the labor disputes were over and he had to stop breaking things and go back to making them again.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Ninja2.gif Nicesword.gif 4 This monster is a Dude amateur ninja
  • Ninjas learn stealth by
    walking across rice paper
    bubble-wrap, and mice.
  • When the teacher takes
    attendance, don't answer when
    she calls out your name.
  • Ninja school myst'ries:
    empty graduation hall
    diplomas vanished.
Whiteshield.gif 5 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 5 Initiative +75%
Piratem.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Pirate ambulatory pirate
  • When he sailed the eleven seas, the ambulatory pirate were just a regular ol' smarmy pirate, savvy?
  • Ye can frighten an ambulatory pirate while he's sleeping by shouting "Hoist up the mizzenmast, ye dog!"
  • Used to be that two ambulatory pirates would amble together, savvy, but they got tired of lubbers calling 'em a "pair o' pathetic peripatetics."
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Crimbominer3.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is an Elf ambulatory robo-minecart
  • This device is the modern ancestor of the prospector's mule.
  • The earliest models were made with actual mule DNA. The manufacturers felt very clever about this.
  • The manufacturers stopped using mule DNA when they realized that all of their genetic algorithms were failing after one generation.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Amokputty.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Slime amok putty
  • Ironically, Smarty Putty was invented by the dumbest scientist on Thinknerd's payroll.
  • In Canadia, Smarty Putty is called "Skittle Goo."
  • In Seaside Town there is a man named S. Marty Putty, who receives prank phone calls about this product on an hourly basis. He is really, really sick of it.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +100%
Xoblob2.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Slime amorphous blob
  • I wonder why Spaghetti-Os are that shape anyway. Did they just order too many alphabet soup vowels and had to use them up?
  • Maybe Spaghetti-Os are like alphabet soup for ghosts. Because soup is too runny for ghosts, and they need a thicker sauce.
  • What if Spaghetti-Os are actually the red blood cells of some giant incomprehensible god?
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Srpainting1.gif Nicesword.gif 81 This monster is a Construct ancestral Spookyraven portrait
  • Most haunted portraits are done with oil paint mixed with ectoplasm, to fully capture the spirit of the subject.
  • Haunted portraits are free to visit other paintings; visiting surrealist or impressionist works are like what hallucinogenic drugs are for us.
  • Haunted portraits are also available in 5x7, 8x10, and wallet size, but you have to buy one of the more pricey packages to get the fridge magnet, too.
Whiteshield.gif 82 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 75 Initiative +25%
Regret3.gif Nicesword.gif 30 This monster is Undead ancient ghost
  • Most ancient ghosts live in extremely boring houses in which it is impossible to tell the difference between the various rooms and doors and stairways.
  • Ancient ghosts hate matches, because the smell reminds them of a time when they were set on fire as a child.
  • If you really want to make an ancient ghost mad, bring up its urn. Or find it and steal it.
Whiteshield.gif 40 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 25 Initiative +70%
Oldguardstatue.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is a Construct ancient guardian statue
  • Because it was such a pain to move stone from the quarry to the temple site, leftover stone was frequently made into temple guardians. Then, if there were too many guardians, they could walk back to the quarry themselves.
  • They really built guardian statues to last in those days. Look, even though it hasn't been maintained for hundreds of years, it only has one arm off. It's amazing that it's still able to move at all.
  • The most important task of an ancient guardian statue is, of course, to reload all the various dart-throwers and reset the pressure-plates after an adventurer has wandered through.
Whiteshield.gif 54 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 80 Initiative +20%
Pebbleman.gif Nicesword.gif 4 This monster is a Dude ancient insane monk
  • Ancient insane monks
    Levitate by force of will
    They don't need step-stools.
  • Ancient insane monks
    All feel neither heat nor cold
    But can be tickled.
  • Ancient insane monks
    Can see worlds beyond this, but
    Need glasses to read.
Whiteshield.gif 3 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 6 Initiative +50%
Mariner.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude Ancient Mariner
  • The Mariner's cough drops are albatross-flavored. Bloody albatross flavored, in fact.
  • The Mariner's not the sanest knife in the drawer, but see how coherent you are after being forced to wear a dead bird around your neck.
  • The Mariner's other eye is not glittery, but it is a fetching shade of blue.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +50%
Protspirit.gif Nicesword.gif 158 This monster is Undead ancient protector spirit
  • He only kept the magic stone sphere in that potted plant because he was tired of tripping over it all the time.
  • This ancient protector spirit worships Bulbazinalli because he got tired of his lettuce always going brown before he got a chance to use it all.
  • People often prayed to Bulbazinalli to grant them a bountiful harvest, as you might expect, but also to grow other things, like beards.
Whiteshield.gif 145 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 80 Initiative +10%
Protspirit.gif Nicesword.gif 162 This monster is Undead ancient protector spirit
  • I don't have a good explanation for what was up with that turtle.
  • Regular doctors would probably consider a stone orb with magical healing properties to be cheating.
  • Besides being the god of water, Squirtlcthulli was also the god of doorknobs. He just liked them for some reason. Everybody needs a hobby, right?
Whiteshield.gif 142 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 80 Initiative +10%
Protspirit.gif Nicesword.gif 160 This monster is Undead ancient protector spirit
  • This is where I made a joke about the "corporate ladder" and how pygmies have little legs. It wasn't a very good joke.
  • The difference between regular CEOs and ones that worship Pikachutlotal is, the latter don't play golf.
  • Pikachutlotal was not only the ancient god of lightning, but also of marketing and merchandising.
Whiteshield.gif 140 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 80 Initiative +10%
Protspirit.gif Nicesword.gif 156 This monster is Undead ancient protector spirit
  • The rumor about the eight-year-olds was kind of blown out of proportion. Still, the guy is a huge jerk.
  • Always be careful to extinguish your bowling ball before taking your turn. Scorching the lane is an automatic disqualification.
  • Charcoatl doesn't have any particular connection to bowling. This particular priest just happened to be into it, is all.
Whiteshield.gif 144 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 80 Initiative +10%
Protspirit.gif Nicesword.gif 160 This monster is Undead ancient protector spirit
  • The ancient protector spirit used to be just a vaguely possessive regular guy, but death tends to amplify emotion.
  • The spirit's shriek can curdle milk at 100 paces, and curdle blood at 50.
  • No one knows where the spirits keep the stone spheres they drop. Best not to inquire too deeply into spectral anatomy.
Whiteshield.gif 144 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 80 Initiative +10%
Skinskeleton.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is Undead Ancient Skeleton with Skin still on it
  • No, it isn't a mummy. Mummies have bandages.
  • Just be glad it wasn't wearing a hat -- you wouldn't want to have to face down a gorvunculus at your level.
  • Wait a minute... you're a skeleton with some skin on it! And so am I! Aaaaaaaaaahhh!
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Guardstatue.gif Nicesword.gif 70 This monster is a Construct ancient temple guardian
  • Temple guardians such as this one were extremely expensive to construct, and therefore tend to indicate that there is not much left worth stealing in the temples that they are guarding.
  • The engraved writing all over the guardian's body are the mystical runes that enable the construct to move. Modern golem technology has streamlined the process to a huge degree, and most don't even need the name of God carved on their forehead any more.
  • Very very few of these stone guardians still exist, due to vandals and adventurers. However, there are reports of a relatively-intact one being found and refurbished, and employed as a bouncer in a Distant Lands tiki bar.
Whiteshield.gif 72 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +60%
Bb horror.gif Nicesword.gif 140 This monster is a Beast ancient unspeakable bugbear
  • Other side effects of Minaj: pink hair, split personality, and a killer hip-hop flow.
  • Unspeakable ancient bugbears are great at navigating ships, but terrible at asking for directions on the rare occasions they get lost.
  • The effects of Minaj abuse are irreversible, unless you take so much of it that you can time-travel and stop yourself from taking it to begin with.
Whiteshield.gif 126 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +50%
Anemone.gif Nicesword.gif 400 This monster is a Fish Anemone combatant
  • Anemone poison is hallucinogenic, but it's so painful only the most dedicated burnouts will take it.
  • Anemones are an important part of the coral reef ecosystem, and of a delicious balanced breakfast.
  • Anemones are stationary but technically sentient, much like most of the people who write this game.
Whiteshield.gif 585 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 600 Initiative +25%
Bb doctor.gif Nicesword.gif 12 This monster is a Beast anesthesiologist bugbear
  • Bugbear anatomy is sufficiently simple that bugbear anesthesiologists just take a three-week course and pay fifty credits for a license.
  • As a last resort, bugbear anesthesiologists all carry your choice of bullet, arrow, or leather belt to bite during an operation.
  • In their off time, bugbear anesthesiologists combine their various chemicals into near-lethal cocktails and have raging parties.
Whiteshield.gif 7 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 10 Initiative +50%
Angel.gif Nicesword.gif 145 This monster is Weird Angels of Avalon
  • Angels use flaming swords because they instantly cauterize opponents' wounds, allowing the angels to smite their foes without causing undue suffering.
  • Weaponologists have attempted to make flaming swords that don't require magic, but have found it difficult to pack enough lighter fluid in the hilt-resevoirs to fuel more than two or three attacks.
  • The sound of a ringing bell used to indicate an angel getting his wings, but this was stopped when it was discovered that angels were gaming the system by hanging out at carillon manufacturers.
Whiteshield.gif 130 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +60%
Angerman.gif Nicesword.gif 60 This monster is a Dude Anger Man
  • Anger Man used to be a normal guy, but then he was bitten by a radioactive anger.
  • Anger Man's elbows are very dry, because any lotion that he tries to apply to them instantly evaporates. This makes him... you guessed it... very angry.
  • Anger Man, in the privacy of his own home, sometimes likes to dress up as his superhero alter-ego Danger Man. Danger Man is also a jerk.
Whiteshield.gif 50 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 200 Initiative +100%
Anglerbush.gif Nicesword.gif 22 This monster is a Plant anglerbush
  • The anglerbush's bait is made of plant matter that is exactly like meat in appearance and texture. As such, they were almost hunted to extinction by vegans.
  • The meat stack that the anglerbush sometimes drops isn't its bait flower; it's just an extra meat stack the bush had lying around.
  • The word "tendril" has its roots in both the word "tender" and the word "drill." Ponder that for a moment.
Whiteshield.gif 21 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 25 Initiative +300%
Mh bassist.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude angry bassist
  • An angry bassist's favorite mobile phone game is "Angry Bass."
  • Many bass players are angry because they're stuck playing bass.
  • To calm down an angry bassist, remind him that Paul Simon, Sting, and Flea are all pretty awesome.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Angbugbear.gif Nicesword.gif 15 This monster is a Beast angry bugbear
  • Bugbears have notoriously short tempers, so even a stubbed toe will turn them from normal to angry.
  • Bugbears' hearing is abnormally weak for a creature with such large ears. It's probably all the rock concerts they went to as teenagers.
  • Bugbears have no noses and smell terribly. And also terrible.
Whiteshield.gif 14 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 12 Initiative +50%
Bb caveman.gif Nicesword.gif 220 This monster is a Beast angry cavebugbear
  • Cavebugbears could use simple tools, but were baffled by pocket calculators.
  • Cavebugbears invented fire, the wheel, and fondue.
  • A cavebugbear has roughly the same vocabulary as an orcish frat boy.
Whiteshield.gif 211 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 300 Initiative +25%
Vw ghost.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is Undead angry ghost
  • Ghosts would be a lot easier to deal with if they just haunted their own graves.
  • Maybe you could convince a ghost to go haunt the afterlife? That'd be convenient.
  • Wait, what happens if you die while you're in the afterlife? Is that where babies come from?
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Mush angry.gif Nicesword.gif 30 This monster is a Plant angry mushroom guy
  • This guy would certainly have had a heart attack by now, if it had a heart.
  • The mushroom is a very nutritious food; differing species can be a good source of vitamin B along with essential minerals, such as potassium and hydrogen.
  • Before the invention of synthetic dyes, mushrooms were widely used for dyeing polyester and other natural fibers.
Whiteshield.gif 25 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 20 Initiative +75%
Pinata.gif Nicesword.gif 22 This monster is a Construct angry piñata
  • The most popular candy for filling a piñata is the jellybean, because of its colorful confetti-like qualities. Less popular are red licorice whips, and sausages.
  • Experiments have been made with making piñatas for adults, by filling them with jello shots and tiny bottles of alcohol. However, nobody can remember how the experiments went, due to blackouts and accidental concussions.
  • The invention of the piñata is credited to Miguel Domingo del Santiago, a farmer who became extremely angry when all the candy he had bought for his son's birthday was eaten by a donkey.
Whiteshield.gif 19 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 20 Initiative +50%
Madpoet.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude angry poet
  • If you ever run out of ideas in the middle of writing an angry poem, try making up a story about a traveler from Porlock interrupting you.
  • Angry poets know that the only good poem is a poem in rhyming couplets. Any other form is just pretentious.
  • The most common cause of anger in poets is getting fired from a greeting card company.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Initiative +60%
Raccoon.gif Nicesword.gif 35 This monster is a Construct angry raccoon puppet
  • The angry raccoon puppet has no hand inside it -- it was magically animated by a really bored wizard.
  • Raccoons wash their hands and their food before they eat, so they're at least two up on you.
  • Raccoons have opposable thumbs, so we're pretty much doomed.
Whiteshield.gif 31 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 21 Initiative +60%
Hunter7.gif Nicesword.gif 50 This monster is a Dude Angry Space Marine
  • Don't be too hard on the Angry Space Marine. He's been trained and conditioned to kill everything he sees. Imagine how hard it is for him when he has to go to the laundromat.
  • The Angry Space Marine carries over 500 pounds of weapons and ammunition. We're still not sure how.
  • The Angry Space Marine's biggest gun fires other guns, which then fire exploding bullets.
Whiteshield.gif 50 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 65 Initiative +70%
Stenchtourist.gif Nicesword.gif 100 This monster is a Dude angry tourist
  • His favorite ride is the roller coaster, because it moves fast enough that his breath can't catch up with him.
  • He's been eating cheese for so long, he's gonna need to ride a centrifuge before he leaves.
  • To be honest, his breath wasn't that great even before he got here.
Whiteshield.gif 100 This monster is Stinky.  Stench is weak against Cold and Sleaze.
Hp1.gif 100 Never wins initiative
3vikings.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is Weird angry viking warriors
  • I read once that the vikings made ice-skates out of elk bones, and the image of a viking warrior having fun ice-skating is so charming to me I can hardly stand it.
  • Vikings also had the coolest boats. Dragon head on the front of your boat? Heck yeah. Even if all I had was a canoe I'd put a dragon head on the front of that.
  • Vikings also probably had the best heaven. Constant raging party feast hall is not my personal scene but you gotta like check that out on a day pass once or twice at least right?
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Gbcracker.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Beast animal cracker
  • Biting off the horn won't help you -- then it's a hippopotamus, and those are also super dangerous.
  • In Soviet Russia, something something
  • Remember: when buying animal crackers, check the packaging carefully and don't eat them if the seal is broken.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +150%
Nightstand2.gif Nicesword.gif 55 This monster is a Construct animated mahogany nightstand
  • Mahogany is so named because it's the preferred wood for making pens for hogs.
  • Since so much mahogany was used making pens for hogs, it became very rare and thus very valuable.
  • Old mahogany hogpens are worth far more than the hogs you might keep in them. Unless you've got really valuable hogs. Like, twice as charming as that Arnold on Green Acres.
Whiteshield.gif 55 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 60 Never wins initiative
Nightstand.gif Nicesword.gif 159 This monster is a Construct animated nightstand
  • The nightstand can be disassembled with an allen wrench and a screwdriver, but it'll never be the same when you put it back together.
  • This nightstand looks like it's solid wood, but it's actually a birch veneer over cardboard. Economical and lightweight!
  • The technical name for this kind of nightstand is "Çpøøkiråvn."
Whiteshield.gif 153 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 180 Initiative +40%
Darkstand.gif Nicesword.gif 162 This monster is a Construct animated nightstand
  • The animated nightstand is made of teak, the most evil of woods.
  • The nightstand's an antique assembled with actual nails and glue, so you won't be able to defeat it with an allen wrench.
  • It takes approximately 150 years of exposure to a latent magical field to animate a nightstand, slightly fewer if the nightstand was kind of uppity to begin with.
Whiteshield.gif 149 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 170 Initiative +30%
Nightstand.gif Nicesword.gif 159 This monster is a Construct animated nightstand
  • This nightstand was assembled with a single allen wrench and two screwdrivers. And lots of swearing.
  • The nightstand is incredibly sturdy, unless you repeatedly open and close its drawers, in which case it falls apart.
  • The nightstand is constructed of pressed chipboard with an oak veneer. don't[sic] drop your keys on it or you'll scratch the finish.
Whiteshield.gif 153 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 180 Initiative +40%
Darkstand.gif Nicesword.gif 162 This monster is a Construct animated nightstand
  • Mahogany is not actually a type of wood. It's made of pressed and varnished coffee beans.
  • This is actually one of the rare wild nightstands of the Distant Lands veldt, which are extremely valuable because it's so difficult to capture them alive without getting them all scuffed up.
  • One of the reasons Lord Spookyraven collected so many nightstands was so that he'd have somewhere to misplace his impossibly huge collection of old wallets and coin purses.
Whiteshield.gif 149 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 170 Initiative +30%
Nightstand4.gif Nicesword.gif 60 This monster is a Construct animated ornate nightstand
  • At the height of her madness, Lady Spookyraven employed as many as five nightstand carvers.
  • The ornate nightstands were so expensive that they drained the Spookyraven family coffers, and Lady Spookyraven had to resort to buying cheap pre-fab nightstands.
  • Whenever anyone asked, "why nightstands?" Lady Spookyraven had them fired and/or killed. So hardly anyone asked.
Whiteshield.gif 45 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 55 Never wins initiative
Fear2.gif Nicesword.gif 30 This monster is a Construct animated possessions
  • Though it is a well-recognized piece of iconography, there has never been a bag of money with a big dollar sign printed on the outside of it.
  • Also, why would a robber be wearing a prison uniform before he got caught?
  • Unless the idea is that the love of money leads to an endless cycle of recidivism, I guess. Maybe that's what they're trying to say?
Whiteshield.gif 30 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 50 Initiative +50%
Nightstand3.gif Nicesword.gif 55 This monster is a Construct animated rustic nightstand
  • Usually, "rustic" means either "this is the first one of these I built and I'm not very good at it," or "I'm bored with this project and don't feel like sanding it."
  • Rustic nightstands are very popular in chain hotels, where rustic folks bring their one night stands.
  • Really rustic nightstands are wrapped in barbed wire for added authenticity, but that comes at a certain "ease of use" cost.
Whiteshield.gif 50 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 60 Never wins initiative
Spittoon.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Construct animated spittoon
  • On the bright side, most possessed objects have to generate their own gross liquid -- this guy got it for free!
  • Spittoons are made of brass because they don't rust like iron or steel ones. Sodium has also been tried, but that presented an entirely different problem.
  • The 'ping' it makes when a cowboy spits into a spitoon is one of his teeth. Don't chew tobacco, kids.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Smiley.gif Nicesword.gif 77 This monster is a Horror Anime Smiley
  • Kirby dance! <(o.o<) (>o.o)> <( o.o )> (>o.o<) ^( o.o )^ v( o.o )v <( o.o )>
  • Other anime smilies include <.< for looking suspicious, O.o for confused, and *.* for having two buttholes instead of eyes.
  • The anime smiley rule of kawai[sic]? states that the number of i's at the end of kawai is directly proportional to the cuteness of the subject divided by the age of the person saying 'omg kawaiiii.'
Whiteshield.gif 69 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 67 Initiative +60%
Vwsnake.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Beast annoyed snake
  • Snakes make good sausages but you need a real long hot dog bun.
  • Snake ribcages make good combs, unless you're a medusa. Your hair would not appreciate that, if you were a medusa.
  • Snake sweaters are really easy to knit.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Annoyfairy.gif Nicesword.gif 20 This monster is a Plant annoying spooky gravy fairy
  • The annoying spooky gravy fairy really just wants to be friends and joke around, but it's socially awkward and gets nervous.
  • The annoying spooky gravy fairy's pitchfork can be used by normal-sized people to eat oysters, or by oysters to fend off people trying to eat them.
  • I mean, what chance does the annoying spooky gravy fairy have, with a name like that? If your name was Bob the Douchebag, would you fight fate?
Whiteshield.gif 18 This monster is Spooky.  Spooky is weak against Hot and Stench.
Hp1.gif 20 Initiative +70%
Spiderserver.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct antique database server
  • The antique database server used to have all the RAM anyone would ever need: 16 whole kilobytes!
  • What do you mean no one wants to buy the antique database server? We just paid, like, a thousand dollars for it less than a decade ago!
  • The antique database server predates even cassette-based data storage. It uses a stylus and a slab of granite.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 300 Never wins initiative
Lizardman.gif Nicesword.gif 20 This monster is a Humanoid apathetic lizardman
  • Yeah, you know, apathetic lizard men. They're um, green? Or whatever.
  • Apathetic lizardmen are notable for being the Kingdom's most notable something.
  • Apathetic lizardmen guard the Daily thing because ehn.
Whiteshield.gif 18 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 12 Initiative +60%
Apatheticdino.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Beast Apathetic Tyrannosaurus
  • Yeah, you know, apathetic lizard men tyrannosauruses. They're um, green? Or whatever.
  • Apathetic lizard men tyrannosauruses are notable for being the Kingdom's most notable something.
  • Apathetic lizard men tyrannosauruses guard the Daily thing whatever because ehn.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Aquabat.gif Nicesword.gif 36 This monster is a Beast Aquabat
  • The Aquabat has changed the line-up of his base components over the years, but he's still pretty cool.
  • The Aquabat alternates between beating up adventurers and entertaining children in his spare time.
  • The Aquabat may not be the best bat in the world, but you can't deny he's got energy and he's fun. When he isn't beating you up, that is.
Whiteshield.gif 34 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 36 Initiative +50%
Aquaconda.gif Nicesword.gif 80 This monster is a Beast aquaconda
  • Aquacondas can be separated into hydrogen and oxygen snakes, but it's an energy-expensive process.
  • Aquacondas aren't venomous. They might not even be aggressive. They might just be dedicated huggers who don't know their own strength.
  • Aquacondas are mostly made of water. But, then again, so are you!
Whiteshield.gif 80 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 120 Initiative +80%
Aquagoblin.gif Nicesword.gif 55 This monster is a Goblin Aquagoblin
  • The Aquagoblin, like all of the Rain King's subjects, is made of sentient water. Y'know, like in that James Cameron movie, Titanic.
  • The Aquagoblin can actually juggle the contact spheres instead of having a stuntman do it for him, but since his spheres are actually just an extension of his body, it's not that impressive.
  • The Aquagoblin's codpiece is even bigger than the Goblin King's.
Whiteshield.gif 50 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 69 Initiative +50%
Borgelf1.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Construct Arc-Welding Elfborg
  • A welder is what a solder soldier wields.
  • Other things an arc welder might weld: lads, fractions of a circle, and Triomphes.
  • Don't ask him about boats full of animals, though. He hates that.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 80 Never wins initiative
Fr archwizard1.gif Nicesword.gif 500 This monster is a Dude Archwizard
  • LyleCo refrigeration appliances combine industry-leading cooling technology with energy efficient savings.
  • For your industrial cooling needs, LyleCo also provides safe and reliable storage tanks for hazardous liquid gasses.
  • The safety track record of LyleCo's cooling equipment is unmatched since Tuesday of last week.
Whiteshield.gif 200 This monster is Cold.  Cold is weak against Hot and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 100 Initiative +300%
Octolus.gif Nicesword.gif 225 This monster is a Fish Arctic Octolus
  • Octolusses are called that because they have more than eight eyes.
  • Octolosi have no bones, except for the little bones inside the eyes.
  • The correct plural of octolus is 'octolodiusi'.
Whiteshield.gif 250 This monster is Cold.  Cold is weak against Hot and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 200 Initiative +25%
2headseal.gif Nicesword.gif 115 This monster is a Demon Argarggagarg the Dire Hellseal
  • Argarggagarg is actually a female hellseal, proving that, whatever else you may think about hellseals, at least they aren't sexist. Even females can be an alpha male.
  • Argarggagarg's two heads are actually named Argarg and Gagarg. Gagarg is the angrier one, because she's sick of always getting second-billing.
  • Argarggagarg's favorite colors are blood red, and cornflower.
Whiteshield.gif 103 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +60%
Barkscorpion.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Bug Arizona bark scorpion
  • The bark scorpion's natural enemies are the blacklight and the iron chisel.
  • A bark scorpion's bite is worse than itself.
  • By the way, there are also black widow spiders.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Crimbot2.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Construct armored Crimbot
  • Robot armor is not made of strawberries. Sometimes it tastes like strawberries, but that's just a coincidence.
  • Robots are not allergic to bee stings, usually.
  • In a sense, all robots are armored, except for the ones made of cardboard or meat.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Mush armor.gif Nicesword.gif 20 This monster is a Plant armored mushroom guy
  • Mushrooms are like turtles because they both can be made into delicious soup.
  • Mushrooms are like turtles because they're both sort of round and very slow.
  • Mushrooms are like turtles because they both reproduce via spores.
Whiteshield.gif 35 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 20 Initiative +25%
Adv spooky4.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude Arthur Frankenstein
  • Arthur's creator's first name is Herbert. Or was it Herman? One of those.
  • All of the body parts Mr. Frankenstein used were totally legit donations to medical science, and not grave robberies. (It's still pretty weird though.
  • H. Frankenstein is totally cool if you call him 'Mr.' instead of 'Dr.' He's unpretentious like that.)
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Adv stench3.gif Nicesword.gif 0 This monster is a Dude Assassin
  • The cloak worn by the Assassin is more accurately described as a windbreaker.
  • Traditional assassins were named due to their supposed consumption of hashish. Assassins like this one prefer beans.
  • Most Assassins don't have pets, but you'll occasionally meet one who owns a barking spider.
Whiteshield.gif 0 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 0 Never wins initiative
Assemblyelem.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is an Elemental Assembly Elemental
  • There are many flavors of Assembly language; this elemental seems to use MIPS, which stands for "Monster, I'm Pretty Sure"
  • Assembly elementals are often faster than BASIC elementals, but they're much less comprehensible.
  • Don't ask an assembly elemental to put your new furniture together for you. They hate that.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Astronomer.gif Nicesword.gif 168 This monster is a Constellation Astronomer
  • The astronomers of old had a list of constellation names that they could never find constellations to match. Thus the Kingdom has no "Meat Missile" constellation.
  • The longstanding feud between astronomers and astrologers once boiled over into an actual war over the stars. It was called "The Space Battles."
  • The constellation "The Beaver" was once known as the Floppy Taco, before a few supernovae altered its shape. This is a relevant factoid for the Astronomer because the Astronomer named the thing and changed the name. So quit filing bug reports about it.
Whiteshield.gif 151 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +70%
Astronomer.gif Nicesword.gif 168 This monster is a Constellation Astronomer
  • Remember, lifespans were shorter back in the olden times, so these ancient astronomers were about twelve years old. Explains a lot, doesn't it?
  • The Astronomers of Loathing also discovered the Boob Cluster, the Fart Nebula, and the Dork Pillars.
  • Actually, that thing the Astronomer is holding is a piece of pizza.
Whiteshield.gif 151 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +70%
Aquadargon.gif Nicesword.gif 99 This monster is Undead Auqadargon
  • Like all of the Rain King's subjects, the Auqadargon is made of sentient water. And a few bone fragments.
  • Water-dragons breathe steam and boiling water instead of fire. One small water dragon could probably power an entire locomotive.
  • Not even the Rain King can mitigate the magic that warps the spelling in the Cyrpt and Cematary.
Whiteshield.gif 90 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 140 Initiative +90%
Elf auteur.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is an Elf auteur elf
  • The auteur elf shoots only in black and white, for added seriousness.
  • The auteur elf shoots only in natural light, with naturally occuring sounds, and without film in his camera, to keep it extra real.
  • Sure, he's annoying, but he's also a genius. Just kidding. His films kind of suck, so he's just annoying.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Never wins initiative
Disco awkward.gif Nicesword.gif ? This monster is a Dude awkward disco dancer
  • If you're a bad dancer, try putting your hands in your pockets and kind of just rocking back and forth.
  • Or maybe try staying home instead of going places where you're likely to have to dance.
  • Oh, and buy some cats. Cats don't care if you can't dance. And the more cats you have, the more okay everything will be. I promise.
Whiteshield.gif ? This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif ? Initiative +100%
Axehandle.gif Nicesword.gif 3 This monster is a Construct axe handle
  • You shouldn't blame an axe handle for being angry. It's just trying to get ahead.
  • It was originally theorized that these floating axe handles were being wielded by ghosts, which were called "lumbergeists". This theory was eventually rejected for not being funny.
  • Have we done the "wooden axe" joke? As in "I wooden axe about that monster if I were you"? ...Oh, okay. Yeah, I figured we probably had. Never mind.
Whiteshield.gif 2 This monster has no particular elemental alignment.
Hp1.gif 3 Initiative +40%
Axewound.gif Nicesword.gif 163 This monster is a Constellation Axe Wound
  • There is a dormant cult in Loathing that worships the Cosmic Axe that made the axe-wound, and eagerly anticipates the Time of the Felling when the Axe will return.
  • The Cosmic Axe Cult says "Timber!" instead of "Amen."
  • The Cosmic Axe Cult wears sequin-spangled flannel shirts and denim pants. No one makes fun of them, though, because they also carry giant bedazzled, wicked-sharp axes.
Whiteshield.gif 146 This monster is Sleazy.  Sleaze is weak against Cold and Spooky.
Hp1.gif 150 Initiative +70%

References

  • The angry bassist's first entry is a reference to Angry Birds.
  • The reference to a vampire bunny rabbit in the albino bat's entry is a reference to the Bunnicula series by James Howe.