Legendary Epic Weapon Quest

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The Legendary Epic Weapon Quest is the first stage of the Nemesis quest and allows you to acquire the Legendary Epic Weapon of your class. This quest is given to you when your base mainstat reaches 12 by the character at the Guild Hall who is the same class as you:


Class Starting Item Equals.gif Epic Weapon Hammer.gif Beelzebozo Reward Equals.gif Legendary Epic Weapon
Class1.gif Club.gif
seal-clubbing club
Bjorn's Hammer
  Ep blood.gif
distilled seal blood
Hammer of Smiting
Class2.gif Totem.gif
turtle totem
Mace of the Tortoise
Ep chain.gif
turtle chain
Chelonian Morningstar
Class3.gif Pastaspoon.gif
pasta spoon
Pasta Spoon of Peril
Ep oil.gif
high-octane olive oil
Greek Pasta Spoon of Peril
Class4.gif Saucepan.gif
5-Alarm Saucepan
Ep corns.gif
Peppercorns of Power
17-alarm Saucepan
Class5.gif Discoball.gif
disco ball
Disco Banjo
Ep mojo.gif
vial of mojo
Shagadelic Disco Banjo
Class6.gif Accordion.gif
stolen accordion
Rock and Roll Legend
Ep reeds.gif
golden reeds
Squeezebox of the Ages

After acquiring your weapon, the Me and My Nemesis quest line continues with A Dark and Dank and Sinister Quest.


Seal Clubber and Turtle Tamer

  • Initial visit:

"<name>! I have grave news! Your Nemesis has stolen an incredibly dangerous mystical artifact, guarded by our guild for generations! You must recover it from <him/her> before <he/she> discovers how to use it, or great catastrophe will surely ensue!"

"Wait, what? Since when do I have a Nemesis?" you ask.

"We took a vote, and you weren't here, so <he/she>'s your Nemesis. You should come to meetings more often. Anyway, this is not the time for such argument. Your Nemesis is rumored to lair within the Big Mountains, but I fear you have not the required mettle to defeat <him/her>. You must recover and master the Legendary Epic Weapon of the <Class> before you will have any hope of victory. It will be a long and arduous task -- are you prepared?"


"Too bad. Now, hearken to my words: long ago, the Legendary Epic weapon was split into two pieces, to reduce its power should it fall into unworthy hands. The first piece is an Epic Weapon in its own right, which is sealed within the Tomb of the Unknown <Class>, but it has only a fraction of its former power without the second component."

"And where is that?" you ask.

"It fell into unworthy hands. But first things must come first. The Tomb is within the Misspelled Cemetery, located in the Nearby Plains. Travel there and challenge the traditional tests of the <Class>, and return here with the Epic Weapon."

"What happens if I fail the tests?"

You receive a stern glare. "Failure is not an option, <name>. Now hurry, and may the gods help us all."

  • Subsequent visits:

"Have you not recovered the Epic Weapon yet? There is no time to waste, <name>!"

  • After recovering the Epic Weapon:
  • For Seal Clubbers:
  • For Turtle Tamers:
"Ah, well done!" Terri says upon seeing you holding the Epic Weapon. "The Mace of the Tortoise shall once again strike down the enemies of the ancient turtle spirits! Especially once we've returned it to its full strength."
"And how do we -- by which I'm pretty sure you mean I -- do that?" you ask.
"We -- indeed, you -- will need to recover the missing piece of the weapon. It's meant to be used as a flail, you see -- the stone head was originally seperate[sic]." She unscrews the carved stone turtle from its handle to demonstrate. "The magical chain that is meant to connect these two pieces was stolen from us by the Clownlord Beelzebozo."
"'Clownlord'. You want me to fight a Clownlord?"
"I recognize the fear in your voice, <name>, and yes, Beelzebozo is undoubtedly the unholiest of creatures you have ever faced. But, I have confidence in your skills, and you must as well if you are to restore the Legendary Epic Weapon to its true glory and recover our stolen artifact from your Nemesis."
She makes a note on your map. "Beelzebozo's lair is underneath an ancient monolith in the Nearby Plains, known as The "Fun" House. May fortune smile upon you in your quest."
  • Subsequent visits:

"Quickly, <name>, you must defeat Beelzebozo and recover the other part of the Legendary Epic Weapon before it is too late!"

  • After recovering the second piece:
  • For Seal Clubbers:
  • For Turtle Tamers:

"You've done it! You've recovered the ancient turtle chain! Your task is nearly complete, <name> -- at least insofar as restoring the Legendary Epic Weapon is concerned. Now you need only acquire a Meatsmithing hammer from the Meatsmith here in town, and reassemble the chain and the Mace of the Tortoise back into its flail form. Here, this should cover the cost of supplies. Move quickly, and return here when you have done this!"

Meat.gifYou gain 1,000 Meat.
  • Subsequent visits:

"Once you've bought a Meatsmithing hammer from the Meatsmith in Market Square, you must Meatsmith the two parts of the Legendary Epic Weapon back together. For someone who has already defeated a Clownlord, this should be a simple task, <name>!"

  • After smithing the Legendary Epic Weapon:

"Aha! Success! Well done, <name>! With the power of the <weapon> in your hands, you will indeed be a force to be reckoned with, even against your Nemesis. Go forth and accustom yourself to its use; we will attempt to locate your Nemesis in the meantime. Gods willing, it will not take us very long.

  • After smithing the Legendary Epic Weapon without first visiting your Guild:

"You've done it! The ancient <weapon> has been renewed! You were even able to repair it without being told the method! Here, allow me to reimburse you for the cost of the Meatsmithing hammer. <name>, it is clear that you are destined for great... er, destiny. Take the Legendary Epic Weapon with you, and train hard in its use. Once you have become a bit stronger, and we have located where your Nemesis has gone to ground, your true quest will begin."

Meat.gifYou gain 1,000 Meat.
  • Upon returning:

"Good -- you're back, and just in time! Our scouts have pinpointed the location of your Nemesises... Nemesees's... the hideout of your Nemesis. It's a cave in the Big Mountains; I will mark it on your map for you. It is essential that you recover the stolen artifact as soon as possible, but be wary -- the place is undoubtely[sic] filled with malicious traps and evil guards."

"Okay," you say, "but if it's that dangerous, how about sending some backup along with me?"

"Ah, well, yes, that would be wise, but all the other members of the Brotherhood have their own quests at the moment. I myself have a pressing mission to... wash those windows. Grod's Beard, look how filthy they've become!"


"Besides, this is between you and your Nemesis. That's a one-on-one struggle, no getting around it. That's one of the Rules."

"There is no time to waste, <name>! You must defeat your Nemesis, and soon!"

  • For Seal Clubbers:
"Hmm. The fiend has sealed the cave entrance with some sort of diabolical riddle, you say?"
"Well," you reply, "actually the carvings look pretty old, so I don't think..."
"Yes, an angry-looking man pouring something out of a bucket? Let me think. Hmmm..." Veins bulge on Grignr's forehead as he squeezes his eyes together in thought for a moment, and then his face turns red and he raises his fists in the air. "...No. No! I can't solve it! ARRGH I HATE PUZZLES! THESE DIABOLICAL MACHINATIONS! THEY MAKE ME FURIOUS!"
"Wow, jeez, calm down!" you say. "Take a breath. It's all right, I'll figure it out myself. Never mind."
  • For Turtle Tamers:
"Hmm," Terri muses. "So the cave entrance is sealed?"
"Yeah," you say. "It's got an engraving on it that looks sort of like a person surrounded by some squiggles that maybe look like animals."
Terri takes a large book down from a shelf and flips through it until she finds the page she's looking for. "Like this?" she says, showing it to you. It's a similar but slightly more detailed drawing -- in this one the animals are more obviously animals. A few turtles, a frog, a a snake...
"Yeah, that's it," you say. "A simplier[sic] version of that."
"It's an old design that used to get used on decorative shields and tapestries and stuff. It symbolizes friendship with animals. People call it The Turtle Party."
"Despite the frog and snake?"
Terri shrugs.

"You're back! Have you defeated your Nemesis yet?"

"No," you reply, "but I'm getting closer. Do you know anything about mushrooms?"

"I know they die pretty quickly if you jump up and down on them."

"Okay, that's... probably not helpful to me, but thanks."

  • After clearing the rubble, but before defeating your Nemesis:

"How goes the fight, <name>?"

"I'm either getting ready for it now, or tried and got beaten up," you reply.

"Well, we're all rooting for you. I know you can do it! Hopefully, you can do it quickly."

  • After defeating your Nemesis:

"You've returned!" <Rep> exclaims. "Does this mean you defeated your Nemesis and retrieved the stolen artifact?"

"I did!" you say, proudly displaying the <Epic Hat>.

"Well done! Where is it?"

"...Um," you say, and display the <Epic Hat> again.

<Rep> blinks at you. "Is this all <he/she> had? It looks like a good hat, but it's not what I was hoping for." <He/She> sighs.

"That was it," you say. "What now?"

"I must send the scouts back on patrol. Perhaps now that <he/she>'s tasted defeat, <Nemesis> will return to where <he/she>'s hidden our artifact. Good work, <name>. Return to me after a time, and I will let you know what I can find out."

  • Subsequent visits:

"Sorry, we haven't found your Nemesis yet. We'll contact you when we find something out."

Pastamancer and Sauceror

  • Initial visit (without the Epic Weapon):

"Ah, <name>! It is good that you are here, for a dire situation is at hand -- evil is afoot!"

"Well, which is it?" you ask. "A hand, or a foot?"

"Yes yes, you're very witty. Don't interrupt me, child, this is important. Our guild has been tasked with the safekeeping of an ancient artifact of terrible power. We have protected it for hundreds of years, but now the unthinkable has happened, and it has been stolen right from under our nose!"

"From under your nose? I guess you should have kept a closer eye on it. Get it? Nose, eye, hand..."

"Shut up. It is vital that you take this seriously, for the thief is none other than your Nemesis!"

You blink. "...I have a Nemesis?"

"You do now. See what happens when you spend all of your time cracking jokes? Unfortunately, you do not possess the power needed to defeat him at this time. It will be necessary for you to reconstruct the Legendary Epic Weapon of the <class>, which was separated into two parts -- an Epic Weapon, which is kept in the Tomb of the Unknown <class>, and a second component that imbues it with Legendary power."

"And where's this second component?"

"Regrettably, that has also been stolen. We'll attend to that matter later -- first, you must seek out the Tomb, which is within the Misspelled Cemetery, in the Nearby Plains. There are certain... trials within, which you must pass to acquire the Epic Weapon. Return here when you have done so."

"Okay," you say, "but you seem awfully certain that I'll pass these trials."

"Let's just say that I am assuming you will, because the alternative is too horrible to contemplate," he replies grimly.

  • Subsequent visits:

"I note that you have not yet claimed the Epic Weapon. Do not dawdle in this task, <name>, for time is of the essence."

  • After recovering the Epic Weapon:

"Ah, well done!" says [Asiago/Edam], his eyes lighting up as you show him the Epic Weapon. "Our enemies will certainly scatter before us, once we can bring the true power of the <Epic Weapon> to bear. There is only one ingredient yet missing from the recipe."

"Right," you nod. "You said something about part of it being stolen?"

"Correct. A horrible creature known as the Clownlord Beelzebozo has stolen the last known <component> we will need."


"I sense the trepidation in your voice, and it is not misplaced, but I have faith in your abilities. In any case, we have no alternative, if the Legendary Epic Weapon is to be reassembled and the stolen artifact recovered from your Nemesis."

He borrows your map and makes a note on it. "Here is the location of the fiend's lair -- an ancient monolith on the Nearby Plains, known only as The "Fun" House. Be cautious, <name>, but remember that time is of the essence."

  • Subsequent visits:

"You still have yet to defeat Beelzebozo and reclaim the missing piece of the Legendary Epic weapon. You must hurry, <name>, for this is an emergency and we have little time to spare."

After defeating Beelzebozo: "You've succeeded! Incredible! With this <component>, the <Epic Weapon> will truly become a force to be reckoned with, <name>. Quickly now, go to the Meatsmith in Market Square, and purchase a Meatsmithing hammer. You'll need it to fuse the <component> into the <Epic Weapon>. Here is some meat to cover the cost."

Meat.gifYou gain 1,000 Meat.
  • Subsequent visits:

"This last task is a simple application of physics, <name>. You need only purchase a Meatsmithing hammer in Market Square, and use it to combine the two fragments of the Legendary Epic Weapon. You have already proven your skills against the Clownlord, so this should be no barrier to you."

  • After smithing the Legendary Epic Weapon:

"Ah, you've done it! I never thought to see the <Legendary Epic Weapon> in its true form in my lifetime. It is a rare and powerful device, <name>, and you would do well to keep it safe and familiarize yourself with its use. While you are doing that, we will work on locating your Nemesis' lair. If we continue to be as fortunate as we have been thus far, it will not take us very long."

  • After smithing the Legendary Epic Weapon without first visiting your Guild after defeating Beelzebozo:

"Is that... it is! You've returned the <Legendary Epic Weapon> to its former glory! You didn't even require instructions as to how to reassemble it! Here, allow me to recompense you for the Meatsmithing hammer. I must say, <name>, this is very encouraging. Perhaps we needn't fear your Nemesis quite so much after all. Of course, it would be foolish to underestimate it. I recommend you spend some time working with the Legendary Epic Weapon, while we attempt to locate the fiend. Once we've found it, I will have more instructions for you."

Meat.gifYou gain 1,000 Meat.
  • Upon returning:

"Ah, you've returned. Your timing is fortuitous, as I've just received word from our scryers as to the location of your Nemesis' lair -- a cave located in the Big Mountains. Here, I will mark its location on your map. Use caution, for the place is undoubtedly riddled with various guards and sundry traps, or perhaps vice-versa."

"Okay," you say, "but wouldn't it be more expedient to send someone with me?"

"Yes, undoubtedly, but unfortunately, we can spare no one at the moment. We all have our tasks, you know. I myself am working on... um... well, it's all very technical, and would take too long to explain."


"In any case, one must not interfere with a battle between a hero and their Nemesis. It's a very important point of destiny or what-have-you."

"Your mission to defeat your Nemesis is of the utmost urgency, <name>. Please do not delay."

  • For Pastamancers:
"Sealed, you say?" Asiago asks.
"Right," you nod. "Big stone door. It's got a sort of squiggly carving on it like... umm..."
Asiago hands you a scrap of paper and a pencil, and you doodle out more-or-less what it looked like. "Well," he says, "it's certainly... noodly. Yes, quite evocative of noodles."
"But it's not familiar to you?"
"No, alas, it's no particular glyph or sigil that I recognize. Probably it is meant as some manner of clue or reminder, rather than being part of any specific magical lexicon."
  • For Saucerors:
You describe the cave door to Edam, who taps his chin thoughtfully.
"...Nope," he says. "Doesn't ring any bells. Three long wavy lines, and then a depression?" He shrugs. "Considering the situation, it's probably sauce-related, but I can't recall seeing a diagram like that in any of our books."
"Hmm," you... vocalize.
"I'm sure you'll figure it out," Edam says. "It's probably pretty straightforward. Just don't over-think it."

"Ah, you've returned. Were you able to defeat your Nemesis?"

"I'm still working on it," you reply. "Do you know anything about mushrooms?"

"Certainly. They're delicious, and used in all manner of recipes. Don't eat the spotted ones, though. Or the ones with a white apron under the cap."

"Okay, well... not really what I was looking for, but thanks."

  • After clearing the rubble, but before defeating your Nemesis:

"How is the fight with your Nemesis proceeding, <name>?"

"I'm either getting ready for it now, or tried and got beaten up," you reply.

"We all have faith in you; I'm sure you'll do just fine," he says, and then taps his wristwatch meaningfully.

  • After defeating your Nemesis:

"Ah, you've returned," [Asiago|Edam] says. "I presume this means you've overcome your Nemesis and recovered the stolen artifact?"

"I did!" you say, proudly displaying the <Epic Hat>.

"Marvelous work! Where is it?"

"...Um," you say, and display the <Epic Hat> again.

[Asiago|Edam] sighs. "Yes, the <Epic Hat> is an important and valuable artifact, and it's good that you've retrieved it -- you may keep it, as I'm sure you will find it helpful -- but it is not the specific item I was hoping for."

"Evidently," you say. "So now what?"

"I will put our scryers to work again. Presumably the [Nemesis] will return to its actual lair. Return to me after a while, and I will let you know if I receive word."

  • Subsequent visits:

"We have not located your Nemesis as yet. Rest assured that, when we do, you will be alerted immediately."

Disco Bandit and Accordion Thief

  • Initial visit (without the Epic Weapon):

"Oh, hey, <name>, just in time. Listen, something major's just gone down, and we've got a real important job for you. Here's the skinny: The Department's in charge of hiding this artifact, see? This crazy dangerous thing that we've been keeping under wraps for hundreds of years. Well, damned if someone hasn't managed to steal it from us, and it turns out it's your Nemesis that did it, and we need you to get it back before the whole world goes ker-flooey. And this is serious, I'm not just jerkin' your chain here."

"Woah, hang on," you say. "Since when do I have a Nemesis?"

"Everyone else called 'not it'. Sorry pal, them's the breaks. Problem is, though, you're not nearly moxious enough to beat him yet. You're gonna need to get the Legendary Epic Weapon of the [Disco Bandit/Accordion Thief] first, and frankly, that's gonna take some doing. So, here's the plan: first, you need to make yourself an Epic Weapon. There's three parts you'll need to find, and you'll have to meatsmith them together yourself -- the meatsmith in Market Square can sell you the gear for that, and I'll pitch in for the cost.

"The first two parts, you can get from these two old guys -- people say they're the two oldest and wisest guys in the kingdom, but I dunno... well, one of 'em owns the casino, so I guess that's pretty wise. The part you need is a prize in one of his games, but I can't tell ya which one, and you'll need to be lucky to win. Real lucky. Now the other guy, if you get him on the right day, he'll be able to help you out with that, and he has the second part you need, too."

"And the third part?"

"You're on your own there, buddy. Sorry. When you get the Epic Weapon built, though, come back here and I'll fill you in on the rest of the plan."

Meat.gifYou gain 1,000 Meat.
  • Subsequent visits:

"Hey, what's with the delay on that Epic Weapon? Quit slacking, slacker. This is important!"

  • After recovering the Epic Weapon:
  • For Disco Bandits:
"You did it!" Duncan says when he sees the Disco Banjo. "Nice one, bud!" He gives a low whsitle[sic] as he looks the weapon over. "The stories said it was something, but man this is something else. Just need to juice it up a bit more, and you'll be ready to take this show on the road."
"Yeah," you say, "you said there was another part of it that went missing?"
"Right. This banjo is pretty Epic and all, but it needs its mojo back if it's gonna be Legendary again. And that mojo was stolen by the Clownlord Beelzebozo."
"I ain't gonna sugarcoat it for ya, <name>. The guy is a literal nightmare. Literally literal. I'm pretty sure you got what it takes, though. I'm basically betting all of our farms on it, right? This has gotta be done, if we're gonna get that artifact back from your Nemesis."
He makes a note on your map (which you don't remember giving him). "Over in the Nearby Plains, you'll find a weird monolith they call The "Fun" House," he says, handing it back to you. "That's where Beelzebozo hangs out. Go get 'im, killer." He gives you a wink and a thumbs-up.
  • For Accordion Thieves:
  • Subsequent visits:

"Did you kill Beelzebozo and get the other part of the Legendary Epic Weapon yet? Coz I don't wanna hassle ya or nothin', but yeah we need that done like right now."

  • After smithing the Legendary Epic Weapon:

"Hey, you got it! Nice! Now you're ready to bring the smackdown on that Nemesis of yours. Err, once we figure out out where he's hiding, that is. Don't worry, I got a couple guys on that. Come back in a few, and I'll give ya the lowdown."

  • After smithing the Legendary Epic Weapon without first visiting your Guild after defeating Beelzebozo:

"What in the -- that's the <Legendary Epic Weapon>! You actually did it, kid! Heck, you didn't even need to be told how to put the thing back together! <name>, you are really going places, I tell you what. Here, lemme get you back for the Meatsmithing hammer you had to buy. Just don't tell anyone else I did that. Your Nemesis had better watch his six, once we figure out where he's hiding. Come back in a while, and I'll fill you in, right?"

Meat.gifYou gain 1,000 Meat.
  • Upon returning:

"Hey, great, you're back. Good timing. I just got word back from the boys with the details on where that Nemesis of yours is holed up. Some cave over in the Big Mountains. Hang on, lemme put it on your map for ya. Okay, now remember, we gotta have that artifact back like toot sweet, but don't go chargin' in wildly. There's no way the place isn't guarded or trapped or both."

"Okay," you say, "But in that case, how about giving me a couple of extra hands?"

"Nope, nope. Can't spare 'em, sorry. Everyone's out on other jobs. I mean, I'd go with you, sure, but I got alla these irons in the fire, waiting to hear back from my fence, all kinds of things going on. You know how it is."


"Anyway, it's a Nemesis thing. Can't come between a rogue and their Nemesis. That's a for-real situation, you know?"

"C'mon <name>, don't be hanging around here with your thumb up it when you've got a Nemesis to deal with!"

  • For Disco Bandits:
You describe the sealed cave entrance and its gridded-circle engraving to Duncan, who scratches his head coolly.
"Well," he says, "it sounds like a drawing of a disco ball."
"Well yeah, I got that part," you say, even if you hadn't.
He shugs[sic]. "Sorry man, puzzles aren't my bag." He points to his forehead. "All I need in here is disco."
  • For Accordion Thieves:

"Hey, you're back. How's it going with that Nemesis deal?"

"It's going," you reply. "Listen -- you know anything about mushrooms?"

"Why, you want some? I can get you some, I know a guy. Just between you and me, you understand."

"No, I... look, never mind."

"Hey, <name>! How's the dust-up with your Nemesis going?"

"I'm either getting ready for it now, or tried and got beaten up," you reply.

"Hey, no worries, I know you got what it takes. Just shake a leg, okay?"

  • After defeating your Nemesis:

"Hey, <name>! You're back!" [Duncan/Stradella] says. "So you must've stuck it to that Nemesis of yours and got back our stolen artifact, right?"

"I did!" you say, proudly displaying the <Epic Hat>.

"Nice one, buddy! So where is it?"

"...Um," you say, and display the <Epic Hat> again.

"Huh," [Duncan/Stradella] says. "Okay, well, yeah -- that's a pretty good [pick/sombrero] you've got there, sure. But it ain't exactly what I was looking for, right?"

"Yeah, I noticed. So, now what?"

"Guess I send the guys out hunting again. I figure this [Spirit of New Wave cat|Lopez guy] probably went back to his [pad|safehouse] to [crash|lay low] after the beating you gave him, so maybe we can track him there. Come back in a couple of whiles, and I'll let ya know."

  • Thereafter:

"Yeah, we haven't found your Nemesis yet. You'll be the first to know, all right?"