KWE Fight Messages

From TheKolWiki

Opening

The scheduled match between <fighter> and <fighter> will begin in just ten short minutes.
In just five minutes, the <brutal | exciting | life-affirming | sensational> match between <fighter> and <fighter> will begin!
Just one more minute to go!
Laaaaaadddiiiieeees and <gentlemen | germans>!
Welcome to another <brutal | exciting | life-affirming | sensational> KWE fight of the century[, or possibly decade]!
In the <color> corner, <fighter entry message>
And in the <color> corner, <fighter entry message>
Now.... let's get ready to... <HAVEAWRESTLINGMATCH! | RUMPUS!>
*DING DING DING*

Colors

• aquamarine
• azure
• blanched almond
• burnt umber
• chartreuse
• gold lamé
• khaki
• magenta
• maroon
• mauve
• paisley
• plaid
• puce
• salmon
• teal
• turquoise
• ultramarine
• viridian

Generic

Successful Attacks

• <fighter> bounces off of the ropes, charging <opponent> at high speed and knocking him/her flat! AWK!
• <fighter> climbs up on the top rope and power-dives at <opponent>, knocking him/her to the mat! AWK!
• <fighter> delivers a brutal kick to <opponent>'s <lower back>, and follows up with a fierce slap to his/her <lower back>! AWK!
• <fighter> delivers a vicious blow to <opponent>'s <lower back>! AWK!
• <fighter> headbutts <opponent> right in the <lower back>! AWK!
• <fighter> kicks <opponent> in the <lower back>! AWK!
• <fighter> lunges for the announcer's microph--hey! AWK! ... and bludgeons <opponent> about the head and neck with it. Man, you've put dents all in it now. No no, it's okay, I don't mind.
• <fighter> picks up <opponent> and slams him/her to the ground! AWK!
• <fighter> pushes <opponent> to the mat, and laughs mockingly at him/her! AWK!
• <fighter> slips on a pair of brass knuckles and rabbit-punches <opponent> while the referee isn't looking! AWK!
• <fighter> slips on a pair of brass knuckles that were lying on the ground! AWK!
• <fighter> snatches a nearby folding chair and socks <opponent> in the <lower back>! AWK!
• <fighter> throws <opponent> into the ropes, and clobbers him/her on the rebound! AWK!
• <fighter> traps <opponent> in a full nelson! Or maybe it's a half-gainer? Something like that, anyway. AWK!
• <fighter> viciously punches <opponent> right in his/her primary sexual characteristics! Man, that's gotta hurt! AWK!

Successful Counterattacks

• <fighter> bounces off of the ropes, charging <opponent> at high speed -- ooh, and <opponent> clotheslines him/her! AWK!
• <fighter> throws a punch at <opponent>'s <lower back>, but he/she dodges the blow and counters with a punch right to <fighter>'s <lower back>! AWK!

Ropes

• <fighter> jumps onto the ropes and <fighter ropes message>  The crowd goes wild!
• <fighter> jumps onto the ropes and <fighter ropes message>  The crowd goes wild! And so do the girls!

Pin Move

• <fighter> rushes <opponent> and knocks him/her down, going for the pin!
• <opponent> has an epileptic seizure and falls to the mat, convulsing. <fighter> leaps in for the pin!
• <opponent> trips over a seam in the mat and falls. Ever opportunistic, <fighter> lunges in for the pin!

Escape

• <opponent> easily pushes <fighter> off of him/her, breaking the pin.

Counter-Pin

• <fighter> grunts, and pushes <opponent> onto his/her back, reversing the pin!

Ending (Preliminary)

1!
2!
3! *DING DING DING*
The winner: <fighter>!

Ending (Championship)

1!
2!
3! *DING DING DING*
The winner, and champion! <fighter>!
Congratulations to our bet winners, as well! You will receive your winnings at rollover. To the rest of you, better luck next time!
This concludes another exciting month of Kingdom Wrestling Entertainment. Check back in tomorrow for another exciting lineup!

Das Überkühlraum

• Entrance:

...weighing in at 25 stone, wearing the fetching scarlet leiderhosen... the German Dynamo, the Teutonic Terror, the Prussian Pulverizer: Das Überkühlraum!

• The crowd cheers as Das Überkühlraum prepares to use his special attack, "Hammer of the Gods!"

• Das Überkühlraum begins to sing an opera about magic rings and old gods. He pummels the unsuspecting <opponent> midway through the first aria. AWK!
• Das Überkühlraum starts to sing an opera about magic rings and old gods, but a suckerpunch from <opponent> leaves him sucking wind.

• The crowd cheers as Das Überkühlraum prepares to use his special attack, "Müllfürtzentisch!"

• Das Überkühlraum releases an odor that could only come from a steady diet of sauerbrauten and cabbage. <opponent> reels and falls forward, as does most of the crowd. AWK!
• Das Überkühlraum tries to release his signature cloud of toxic fumes, but it looks like he's run out of gas.

• Das Überkühlraum pulls a wad of sauerkraut from his lederhosen and flings it at <opponent>! <opponent> is temporarily blinded!
• Ropes:

...shouts, "I am a jelly donut!"

Vaso De Agua

• Entrance:

...weighing in at 2,100,000 mites, wearing the lovely black and red matador pants... the Latin Lover, the Castilian Casanova, the Spanish So-and-So: VASO DE AGUA!

• The crowd cheers as Vaso De Agua prepares to use his special attack, "Huevos Mezclados!"

• Vaso De Agua scrambles <opponent>'s huevos with all the ferocity of an exceptionally fierce wire whisk. AWK!
• Vaso De Agua tries to scramble <opponent>'s huevos, but <opponent> guards his/her huevos with the pure animal fury of a mother hen.

• The crowd cheers as Vaso De Agua prepares to use his special attack, "Refresco Por Favor!"

• Vaso De Agua grabs a bottle of Mountain Stream Soda and cold-cocks <opponent> with it. Well, lukewarm-cocked; it wasn't on ice. AWK!
• Vaso De Agua tries to bludgeon <opponent> with a bottle of Mountain Stream Soda, but <opponent> dodges. To the Xtreme!!!

• Vaso De Agua presents <opponent> with a rose to put between his/her teeth! <opponent> takes it, and the thorns underneath stick into his/her gums!
• Ropes:

...yells, "Has asasinado a mi padre. Prepárete para morir!"

The Grand Poo-Bah

• Entrance:

...weighing in at 556.02775 Newtons (on the Earth's Surface), wearing the red fez with the yellow tassel, it's our favorite Knight Templer, THE GRAND POO-BAH! Don't get too close, kids!

• The crowd cheers as The Grand Poo-Bah prepares to use his special attack, "Tassel Doff!"

• The Grand Poo-Bah pulls the tassel out of his fez and viciously beats <opponent> with it, all the while sucking in his gut and singing a cheesy love ballad. AWK!
• The Grand Poo-Bah pulls the tassel out of his fez and tries to beat <opponent> with it, but <opponent> grabs the tassel and throws it out of the ring, minimizing the tassel hassle.

• The crowd cheers as The Grand Poo-Bah prepares to use his special attack, "AKA Driver!"

• The Grand Poo-Bah leaps from the ring and returns in a miniature bitchin' meatcar, running over <opponent> while hurling hard candy at the crowd. AWK!
• The Grand Poo-Bah leaps from the ring and returns in a miniature bitchin' meatcar. He tries to run down <opponent>, but <opponent> tips him over like a sleeping cow.

• The Grand Poo-Bah flings his fez at <opponent>! The smell of hair oil causes him/her to reel!
• Ropes:

...shouts, "This is for the honor of the Knights Templer, ya mook!"

Thorny Toad

• Entrance

...weighing in at .04 short tons, wearing the brown turtle-skin loincloth, straight from the jungle to you, it's THORNY TOAD! Watch out for that tongue, ladies!

• The crowd cheers as Thorny Toad prepares to use his special attack, "Jungle Boogie!"

• Thorny Toad mesmerizes <opponent> with a tribal dance he learned in the very heart of the jungle. The very cockles of the heart of the jungle. AWK!
• Thorny Toad begins a mesmerizing jungle dance, but <opponent> answers with a dance of his own! Thorny Toad staggers, dazed by dance-dance revulsion!

• The crowd cheers as Thorny Toad prepares to use his special attack, "Tongue Lashing!"

• Thorny Toad grabs <opponent>'s tongue and runs it across his arm. <opponent> starts babbling nonsense about zeppelins made out of lead and some communist guy named Floyd. AWK!
• Thorny Toad tries to grab <opponent>'s tongue, but gets a bucket full of whoop-ass instead. Which is equivalent to at least three cans.

• Thorny Toad hops all over <opponent> while singing about his ragtime gal! AWK! AWK!
• Ropes:

...yells, "Thorny make bad for you! Croak croak!"

Chori Zo

• Entrance:

...all the way from Little Mexico in Tokyo, it's everyone's favorite kawaaaaiiii chica, the beautiful and deadly CHORI ZO! Muy Caliente!

• The crowd cheers as Chori Zo prepares to use her special attack, "Tears of the Schoolgirl!"

• Chori Zo folds her hands, bows her head, and cries big, cute, anime tears. <opponent> tries to comfort her, and when he/she lets his/her guard down, Chori Zo knocks him/her flat. AWK!
• Chori Zo folds her hands, bows her head, and cries big, cute, anime tears. However, <opponent> resists the all-encompassing cuteness and throws the smack down on her, nonetheless.

• The crowd cheers as Chori Zo prepares to use her special attack, "Spectral Jellyfish Kick!"

• Chori Zo summons a glowing blue jellyfish around her right foot. She starts kicking faster than the eye can follow, and certainly faster than <opponent> can dodge. AWK!
• Chori Zo summons a glowing blue jellyfish around her right foot. However, <opponent> grabs her other foot and flips her like a light switch before she can start kicking.

• A tic-tac-toe grid appears on Chori Zo's temple and she furiously pummels <opponent>! AWK! AWK! AWK!
• Ropes:

shouts, "OMG Kawaaaaaaiiii, señores y señoras!"

Morbidda

• Entrance:

...wreathed in the smoke of burning damned souls and the smell of brimstone, straight out of hey deze like a bat, it's that supernatural femme fatale, MORBIDDA! Keep an eye on your husbands, ladies!

• The crowd cheers as Morbidda prepares to use her special attack, "Birthday Suit Riot!"

• The weird crusty stuff that comprises Morbidda's costume suddenly comes to life and attacks <opponent>! <opponent> gets beaten senseless and the audience gets a cheap thrill or seven. AWK!
• The weird crusty stuff that comprises Morbidda's costume comes to life and attacks <opponent>! Fortunately for all of us, <opponent> beats it down and leaves Morbidda sans victory and sans costume.

• The crowd cheers as Morbidda prepares to use her special attack, "Fangs for the Memories!"

• With a clap of thunder and the smell of brimstone, Morbidda transforms into a flock of bats! They attack <opponent> and drain his/her blood and various other bodily fluids before reforming into Morbidda. AWK!
• With a clap of thunder and the smell of brimstone, Morbidda transforms into a flock of bats! Wait, no she didn't. And the sound and smell are something she ought to be embarrassed about.

• Morbidda's spooky sentient costume attacks <opponent> with a hundred pseudopods! AWK! (x100)!
• Ropes:

...yells, "A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Your soul will burn forever!"

Poison Oak

• Entrance:

...weighing in at ... well, she won't let us tell you how much she weighs, but that lovely lady in the fetching green bikini is none other than POISON OAK!

• The crowd cheers as Poison Oak prepares to use her special attack, "Stone in the Sword!"

• Poison Oak picks up a rock from outside of the ring and uses her sword to bat it at <opponent>. It hits him/her square in the temple, or synagogue, and sends him/her spinning. AWK!
• Poison Oak picks up a rock from outside of the ring and uses her sword to bat it at <opponent>. <opponent> catches it and throws it back at her, along with the suggestion that her sword would make a better sword than it does a baseball bat.

• The crowd cheers as Poison Oak prepares to use her special attack, "Luscious Lashes!"

• With a deft flick of her wrist, Poison Oak turns her sword into a whip and lashes out at <opponent>. <opponent> falls under the heavy lashing, thoroughly and utterly whipped! AWK!
• With a less-than-deft flick of her wrist, Poison Oak turns her sword into a whip. Unfortunately, the whip winds itself around her legs before she can detect it! It's too late to whip it good!

• Poison Oak kicks <opponent> in the <lower back> with her spiked-heel boots! AWK! <opponent> doubles over!
• Ropes:

...shouts, "Lick my boots and paint my house, worm!"

Princess Rutabaga

• Entrance:

...all the way from the Vegetable Kingdom, it's the salubrious and beautiful PRINCESS RUTABEGA! She's not in another castle, folks, she's IN THE HOUSE!

• The crowd cheers as Princess Rutabaga prepares to use her special attack, "Turnip Toss!"

• Princess Rutabaga reaches under her dress and produces a turnip out of thin air! She hurls the turnip at <opponent>, who takes it upside the noggin and hits the mat! AWK!
• Princess Rutabaga reaches under her dress and produces a turnip out of thin air! She tosses it at <opponent>, but the throw is short! The turnip lies on the mat, looking blandly nutritious.

• The crowd cheers as Princess Rutabaga prepares to use her special attack, "Crafty Hover!"

• Princess Rutabaga jumps into the air and hovers to and fro, kicking <opponent> with her tiny little boots! AWK!
• Princess Rutabaga jumps into the air and hovers briefly, then comes crashing down! Flying is the art of throwing oneself at the ground and missing -- looks like she threw herself at the air and missed.

• Princess Rutabaga throws her tiara like a boomerang, smacking <opponent> in the skull! AWK!
• Ropes:

...yells, "I'm gonna disembowel you and make something cute with your entrails! Tee-hee!"

Roo

• Entrance:

...from That One Weird Continent to the squared dodecahedron, it's everyone's favorite Martial Marsupial, ROO! How the heck does he karate-chop with boxing gloves on?

• The crowd cheers as Roo prepares to use his special attack, "A Token!"

• Roo concentrates, harnesses his cheez, and produces a giant subway token! He hurls the token at <opponent>, who collapses beneath the weight. AWK!
• Roo concentrates, harnesses his cheez, and produces a giant subway token! He hurls the token at <opponent>, but it evaporates before it gets there!

• The crowd cheers as Roo prepares to use his special attack, "Kanga Ruse!"

• Roo hides his boxing gloves behind his back and poses as a giant mouse! <opponent> comes over for a closer look and Roo clocks him/her like a track coach. AWK!
• Roo hides his boxing gloves behind his back and poses as a giant mouse! <opponent> produces a giant mousetrap from his/her pocket and snaps it around Roo's neck!

• Roo uses <opponent>'s <lower back> as a speed-bag! AWK!AWK!AWK!!
• Ropes:

...shouts, "For great justice!"

Woldo

• Entrance:

...weighing in at... well, he won't tell us... but he hails from... well, we're not sure... but it's definitely WOLDO!

• The crowd cheers as Woldo prepares to use his special attack, "Conwulsions!"

• Woldo drops to the ground and thrashes about like a dying flounder! <opponent> leans in to see if he's okay, and Woldo gouges him/her with his razor-sharp claws! AWK!
• Woldo drops to the ground and thrashes about like a dying flounder! <opponent> steps perilously close to Woldo's razor-sharp claws, but Woldo is unable to control his thrashing long enough to thrash him!

• The crowd cheers as Woldo prepares to use his special attack, "Wanishing Act!"

• Woldo jumps over the ropes and loses himself in the crowd! <opponent> stalks through the stands looking for him, but Woldo sneaks up behind him/her and lays the smack down! AWK!
• Woldo jumps over the ropes and loses himself in the crowd! <opponent> spots him immediately and bops him on the noggin!

• Woldo slashes <opponent> Zo with his metal claws! SNICKETY-SNICKETY!
• Ropes:

...laughs maniacally!

The Snake

• Entrance:

...straight from the Vegetable Kingdom to you, it's everyone's favorite mushroom-snacking, flower-eating, fireball-spewing plumber/ninja! Ladies and Gentlemen, it's-a HIM, THE SNAKE!

• The crowd cheers as The Snake prepares to use his special attack, "Get-a Over Here!"

• The Snake produces a plunger attached to a long chain! He sticks it to <opponent>'s forehead, pulling him/her close for an intense beatdown! AWK!
• The Snake produces a plunger attached to a long chain! He throws it at <opponent>'s forehead, but misses and it gets stuck to the mat!

• The crowd cheers as The Snake prepares to use his special attack, "Wedgie Humility!"

• The Snake runs over to <opponent>, reaches out one black-gloved hand, and rips out <opponent>'s still-beating underpants! <opponent> blushes and loses the will to fight! AWK!
• The Snake runs over to <opponent>, reaches out one black-gloved hand, and tries to rip out <opponent>'s still-beating underpants! However, <opponent> isn't wearing underpants and simply knocks The Snake to the ground!

• The Snake disassembles <opponent>'s U-bend! Trust me, it looks as painful as it sounds!
• Ropes:

...shouts, "It's-a me, The Snake! Time-a for you to get-a pinned now!"

Nayztameetjoo

• Entrance:

...wearing the shiny metal body armor and weighing in at 8.89397 talents -- some call him the space ninja and some call him the gangster of love, but we call him... NAYZTAMEETJOO!

• The crowd cheers as Nayztameetjoo prepares to use his special attack, "Pogo pogo pogo!"

• Nayztameetjoo jumps on his pogostick and hops erratically around the ring! He manages to land on <opponent> by sheer luck! AWK!
• Nayztameetjoo jumps on his pogostick and hops erratically around the ring! Unfortunately, an extra-high jump makes him crash into the overhead lights!

• The crowd cheers as Nayztameetjoo prepares to use his special attack, "Flag Whip!"

• Nayztameetjoo uses the flag that's somehow stuck to his back to whip <opponent> like a bowl full of cream! AWK!
• Nayztameetjoo tries to whip <opponent> with his flag, but misses. He spins around trying to hit <opponent>, but just gets dizzy and falls over!

• Nayztameetjoo smacks <opponent> upside the <lower back> with his pogo stick! AWK! AWK!
• Ropes:

...yells, "Tell me your answer true, Dave!"

Arrrmetia

• Entrance:

...weighing in at 42,000 scruples, it's the lovely swashbuckling lass ARRRMETIA! Don't let that lass cut you with her cutlass!

• The crowd cheers as Arrrmetia prepares to use her special attack, "Arrrmor Up!"

• In the blink of an eyepatch-covered eye, Arrrmetia switches from her skimpy toga/cheerleader outfit into full pink body armor! She stomps all over poor clueless <opponent>! AWK!
• In the blink of an eyepatch-covered eye, Arrrmetia changes into full pink body armor! But then she blinks back into her other outfit. She switches back and forth a few times while <opponent> looks on, whistling.

• The crowd cheers as Arrrmetia prepares to use her special attack, "Soul Edginess!"

• Arrrmetia swings her sword on an arc right through <opponent>'s neck! Oddly enough, though, instead of decapitating him/her, the sword just makes a red vapor trail that makes <opponent> stagger a little. AWK!
• Arrrmetia swings her sword back and forth, making flashy red vapor trails. <opponent> is mesmerized briefly, but quickly recovers.

• Arrrmetia buckles every one of <opponent>'s swashes! AWK! AWK!
• Ropes:

...shouts, "It be time to loot your booty for the honor of the elders of my tribe, ye swab!"

Serenity

• Entrance:

...weighing in at 1.25 gigabytes and hailing from the farthest outpost of the Asymmetric Net, it's the (let's face it, pretty freaky) SERENITY!

• The crowd cheers as Serenity prepares to use her special attack, "Grasshopper Hover!"

• Serenity leaps into the air and assumes a pose that makes her look like a constipated grasshopper. Time stops and the universe rotates around her as she flies toward <opponent> and kicks him/her in the <lower back>! AWK!
• Serenity leaps into the air and assumes a pose that makes her look like a constipated grasshopper. She flies toward <opponent> in slow motion, but he has plenty of time to react and steps aside.

• The crowd cheers as Serenity prepares to use her special attack, "Heavy Artillery!"

• Serenity pulls out two huge automatic crossbows and fires about 300,000 rounds in slow motion at <opponent>! One bolt grazes <opponent>'s cheek and gives him/her a serious owie. AWK!
• Serenity pulls out two huge automatic crossbows and fires about 300,000 rounds in slow motion at <opponent>! Oddly enough, none of the bolts come anywhere near her target, though she does destroy most of the arena.

• Serenity freezes in midair and kicks <opponent> in the chin! Woah, she knows kung fu!
• Ropes:

...yells, "It's time for you to wake up to the world that has been pulled over your eyes, copper-top!"

Inndya

• Entrance:

...wearing the blue-and-gold bikini and the 5 o'clock shadow and weighing in at 65,536 drams, it's the Kingdom's own INNDYA!

• The crowd cheers as Inndya prepares to use her special attack, "5 O'Clock Beatdown!"

• Inndya grabbed <opponent> and rubbed her face across his/her arm. Apparently, her 5 o'clock shadow is sharp enough to draw blood! Something's not right with that girl... AWK!
• Inndya grabbed <opponent> and tries to rub her stubbly face across his/her arm! Just in time, <opponent> leaps away in disgust!

• The crowd cheers as Inndya prepares to use her special attack, "A Lovely Singing Voice!"

• Inndya shouts at <opponent> with her gruff, deep voice! <opponent> is reduced to a quivering pile of jelly! AWK!
• Inndya shouts at <opponent> with her gruff, deep voice! Oddly enough, <opponent> finds it attractive!

• Inndya gives <opponent> a very masculine high five! <opponent> staggers backward, cradling his palm!
• Ropes:

...shouts, "I may be a girl -- wait, I mean I am a girl, but I ain't no shrinking feminine flower!"

Kitty the Zmobie Basher

• Entrance:

...it's every undead boy's worst nightmare and best dream, the intriguingly complicated, angsty but witty KITTY THE ZMOBIE BASHER! Love hurts, folks!

• The crowd cheers as Kitty the Zmobie Basher prepares to use her special attack, "Bandit Makeout!"

• Kitty the Zmobie Basher appears to fall in love with <opponent>! After confessing her undying devotion to her baffled opponent, she started hating <opponent> again and pummels him/her to the ground! AWK!
• Kitty the Zmobie Basher gets confused and falls in love with <opponent>! She confesses her undying devotion, but <opponent> wipes the mat with her! Kitty the Zmobie Basher swears not to fall in love with a mortal enemy for at least a day or two.

• The crowd cheers as Kitty the Zmobie Basher prepares to use her special attack, "The Sar Chasm!"

• Kitty the Zmobie Basher subjects <opponent> to a withering attack of sarcasm, pop-culture references, and teenage lingo! While <opponent> tries to figure out what "crushworthy" means, Kitty the Zmobie Basher drops him/her with a flying kick! AWK!
• Kitty the Zmobie Basher subjects <opponent> to a withering attack of sarcasm, pop-culture references, and teenage lingo! <opponent> turns a deaf ear to the incomprehensible verbal onslaught and concentrates on winning the match.

• Kitty the Zmobie Basher kisses <opponent>, then smacks him/her across the face! He/She should have more braaaaiiins than that! AWK!
• Ropes:

...yells, "What part of me punching you in the face did you not understand?"