Inside the Fully Automated Crimbo Factory

From TheKolWiki
Jump to: navigation, search

Having designed your Crimbot, you will be presented with a series of encounters. Depending on the capabilities of the Crimbot you designed, you will be able to select different choices to avoid or minimize damage suffered, or to obtain additional rewards.

Encounters beyond the Lobby on Floor 1 appear to follow a set repeating pattern of Crimbot Guard, Easy Passageway, Reward Room, Hard Passageway. On Floor 2, the repeating sequence is Crimbot Guard, Choice, either Corporate Office Reward or Factory Floor Reward, Corporate Office Hazard.

Floor 2 obstacles are more difficult than on Floor 1, but provide better schematics and more valuable recovered elf items. In addition, elf items recovered from the factory floor (down the ladder) choice tend to be more valuable than those in the corporate offices (up the ladder).

Because a Hard Passageway or Office Hazard will always damage your Crimbot, there are only a limited number of encounters per adventure before your Crimbot is destroyed, sending you back to design a new one. In addition, at any time you may command your Crimbot to self-destruct.

Lobby


The Lobby
Room lobby.gif
The Crimbot's camera feed shows what used to be the lobby of the Crimbo Town Toy Factory, now shot through with random wires and tubes and stuff. It looks like you can send the robot past the receptionist's desk to the first floor fairly easily, but the door leading to the stairwell is latched and the elevator down to the basement has some kind of access panel wired up to it.
door.open(floor_1)
FREE

<Crimbot name> goes through the door.

mount / stairs
PINCH

<Crimbot name> turns the doorknob and heads upstairs.

wait(elevator);
DECODE

<Crimbot name> makes short work of the elevator's security system.

Floor 1

Floor 1 Crimbot Guards


Bulkybot

Room bulkybot.gif The camera reveals an oversized but simple robot standing between your Crimbot and the way forward.
for ($i=1;$i<10;$i++) punch();
POW

Your Crimbot topples the Bulkybot. It's as easy as knocking over a vending machine!

break;
FREE

<Crimbot name> manages to squeeze past the Bulkybot, but some of its electronic internal organs get squished in the process.

Your Crimbot takes 1 damage.


Doorbot

Room doorbot.gif The door you're trying to steer your Crimbot through turns out to be a robot.
set door_protocol _PUNCH
POW

Your Crimbot easily punches the Doorbot open. Turns out it wasn't even latched!

set door_protocol _SHOCK
ZAP

Your Crimbot shocks the door, causing it to open violently with a shower of sparks and a metallic gasp.

set door_protocol _GO_AROUND
FREE

<Crimbot name> goes around the door, which involves plowing headfirst through a wall.

Your Crimbot takes 1 damage.


Mookbot

Room thugbot.gif The camera reveals a confrontation between your Crimbot and a small but thuggish-looking robot.
gun.shoot()
BLAM

Don't bring a robo-fist to a robo-gunfight. That's what somebody should have told that Mookbot. Your Crimbot makes short work of it and proceeds.

blam_pow_socko
POW

You press the button and <Crimbot name> punches the Mookbot. The speaker relays a satisfying crunching sound.

sleep()
FREE

Your Crimbot's attempt to wait until the Mookbot left would have worked better if it hadn't already been detected when you issued the command.

Your Crimbot takes 1 damage.


Security Drone

Room securitybot.gif The camera reveals that your Crimbot has been detained by a low-level hovering security robot.
shoot[0]
BLAM

The speaker crackles with gunfire as <Crimbot name> dispatches the security drone.

SHORTCIRCUIT.BAT
ZAP

The speaker relays a warbling "GUHGUHGUHGUHGUH" sound as your Crimbot scrambles the security drone's tiny metal mind.

for x = 1 to 1000 : position = position +1 : next x
FREE

<Crimbot name> gets shot in the back as it moseys past the security drone. That behavior was not even a little bit sportsmanlike.

Your Crimbot takes 1 damage.


Turretbot

Room turretbot.gif The camera reveals a ceiling-mounted turret between your Crimbot and the door to the next room.
RUN BLAST.BAS
BLAM

With a single well-aimed shot (don't get cocky, it was computer-assisted,) your Crimbot disables the turret and moves into the next area.

sleep(1000)
FREE

The turret gets one good shot in as your Crimbot slowly scoots underneath it into the next room.

Your Crimbot takes 1 damage.


Zippybot

Room zippybot.gif The camera reveals a fast-moving wheeled robot darting around on the floor in front of your Crimbot.
floor = monkey; monkey.shock();
ZAP

<Crimbot name> electrifies the floor. The Zippybot stops moving and starts comically emitting black smoke.

wait(200);
FREE

Your Crimbot tries to wait until the obnoxious little robot leaves, but ends up tripping over it anyway.

Your Crimbot takes 1 damage.

Floor 1 Easy Passageways


Conveyor, Convey Thyself

Room belts.gif The floor of the room your Crimbot is in is a maze of rapid conveyor belts, and the panel that controls their speed is on the opposite side of the room!
maze.solve(fast)
BLAMBLAM

<Crimbot name> aims its guns at the control panel and shoots/shuts down the conveyor belts.

maze.solve(slow)
FREE

You watch in horror as <Crimbot name> clumsily navigates the moving walkways, falling all over itself.

Your Crimbot takes 1 damage.


Crate Expectations

Room crates.gif The camera reveals a big stack of metal bins between your Crimbot and its goal.
/bin/bash
POWPOW

You direct <Crimbot name> to knock over the pile of crates.

/dev/climb
FREE

<Crimbot name> climbs to the top of the heap of crates. Once it's at the top, it tumbles down the other side and lands in a heap.

Your Crimbot takes 2 damage.


Some People Call It A Giant Slingblade

Room sawblade.gif The camera reveals that your Crimbot is in a room dominated by a single giant fast-moving circular sawblade. Why does this room even exist?
pathfind(HIGH_EVASION)
RUNRUN

You watch <Crimbot name> skillfully pilot itself past the fast-moving sawblade.

do while 1 walkforward
FREE

<Crimbot Name> moves as fast as it can, but it turns out to not be fast enough to avoid having some parts of it sawed off.

Your Crimbot takes 1 damage.


Tin Door. Rusted.

Room rustydoor.gif Your Crimbot's camera reveals a big metal door that has been corroded by caustic chemicals to the point where it can no longer be opened normally.
while (1) shoot();
BLAMBLAM

<Crimbot name> shoots a Crimbot-sized hole in the door, through which it then proceeds.

repeat (10){ grease.apply() }}
LUBE

<Crimbot name> lubricates the latch on the door and easily opens it. As the camera pans across the floor on the other side, you notice some discarded elf goodies!

Recovered Elf Item You acquire an item: Recovered Elf Item

Recovered Elf Item You acquire an item: Recovered Elf Item

DEFAULT:
FREE

You sigh as you watch <Crimbot name> repeatedly smash itself against the wall next to the door until it finally breaks through.

Your Crimbot takes 2 damage.


The Monster Masher!

The camera reveals that your Crimbot is in a room whose walls are slowly grinding closer together -- you must have accidentally directed it into some sort of trash compactor!
masher->hack()
ZAPZAP

You shout "Shut down the garbage mashers on the detention level! Shut down the garbage mashers on the detention level!" and nothing happens. Then you press the button and your Crimbot shuts down the garbage masher.

return null;
FREE

You watch as <Crimbot name> is rendered slightly narrower.

Your Crimbot takes 1 damage.


War of Gears

Room gears.gif The camera reveals a room that clearly wasn't intended to be walked through -- the floor is a writhing and creaking mass of interlocked gears and cogs and stuff.
break; break; break;
POWPOW

You press the button and watch with glee as <Crimbot name> pounds the crap out of the gears until they stop turning.

ceil(float(self))
HOVER

<Crimbot name> hovers up to the ceiling, safely avoiding the gears and finding a loose schematic stuck against an air intake vent. Score!

Floor 1 Crimbot Schematic You acquire an item: Floor 1 Crimbot Schematic

while (0) nothing;
FREE

You wince as the speaker relays the sounds of little bits of <Crimbot name> getting gnawed off as it walks across the gears..

Your Crimbot takes 2 damage.

Floor 1 Reward Rooms


Inadequate Copy Room Security

Room copier.gif The camera reveals what was apparently once a copy room. Further investigation reveals a Crimbot schematic carelessly left in the tray of a photocopier.
perl eyes.pl
FREE

<Crimbot name> focuses on the document long enough for you to print a copy.

Floor 1 Crimbot Schematic You acquire an item: Floor 1 Crimbot Schematic


Locker Room

Room lockerroom.gif The camera reveals the interior of what must have been an employee locker room. You pause to wonder what kind of stuff they do in a Crimbo Elf gym.
open locker; get all from locker; n;
FREE

<Crimbot name> loots the locker (which doesn't turn out to contain much) and drops the spoils into a pneumatic recovery tube.

Recovered Elf Item You acquire an item: Recovered Elf Item


Office Space

Room office.gif The camera reveals that staple of modern life -- the depressing, sparse office. You can see a desk, a filing cabinet, and an uncomfortable chair.
open /home/desktop
FREE

You watch as your Crimbot yanks a drawer out of the desk and overturns it into a pneumatic recovery tube.

Recovered Elf Item You acquire an item: Recovered Elf Item

UNZIP FILING.CAB
POWPOW

<Crimbot name> pounds on the file cabinet until it opens, revealing a schematic. You quickly press the print button.

Floor 1 Crimbot Schematic You acquire an item: Floor 1 Crimbot Schematic


Paperchase

Room papers.gif The camera reveals a whirlwind of sheets of paper -- maybe some kind of climate control malfunction combined with some kind of filing cabinet accident?
sheet_get(random)
FREE

<Crimbot name> grabs one of the sheets and holds it in front of its camera long enough for you to make a printout.

Floor 1 Crimbot Schematic You acquire an item: Floor 1 Crimbot Schematic


The Dark Closet Returns

Room closet.gif The camera feed shows some kind of storage closet. It's pretty dark inside, and you don't see any kind of light switch.
GRAB.COM
FREE

<Crimbot name> grabs a random object from a shelf and tosses it into a pneumatic recovery tube.

Recovered Elf Item You acquire an item: Recovered Elf Item

ILLUMINATE.EXE
LIGHT

With more of the closet visible, <Crimbot name> is able to carelessly sweep two objects into a pneumatic recovery tube.

Recovered Elf Item You acquire an item: Recovered Elf Item

Recovered Elf Item You acquire an item: Recovered Elf Item


The Dilemma

Room desktoilet.gif The camera, by showing you both a desk and a restroom door, presents your Crimbot with the classic workplace choice: Pretend to work, or don't even bother.
paper.shuffle()
FREE

<Crimbot name> pretends to work for a while. Even pretending to work yields a usable document, though.

Floor 1 Crimbot Schematic You acquire an item: Floor 1 Crimbot Schematic

break; // restroom
FREE

<Crimbot name> takes a well-deserved break in the restroom, and even finds a discarded object on the counter next to the sink.

Recovered Elf Item You acquire an item: Recovered Elf Item


The Unhurt Locker

Room office.gif The camera shows the interior of an elf dormitory room. You're about to leave and resume exploring when you catch a glimpse of an unlocked footlocker near the tiny bed.
/bin/raid/locker
FREE

<Crimbot name> flips over the foot locker, dumping its contents into a pneumatic recovery tube.

Recovered Elf Item You acquire an item: Recovered Elf Item

Floor 1 Hard Passageways


Closing Time

Room halldoor.gif The camera reveals a long hallway, and a distant door slowly but surely grinding itself closed.
set speed = mosey;
FREE

<Crimbot name> doesn't quite make it through the door in time, and ends up leaving a little bit of itself behind.

Your Crimbot takes 2 damage.

set speed = gallop;
RUNRUN

<Crimbot name> darts through the door before it closes, but stubs its toe on something on the other side.

Your Crimbot takes 1 damage.


Down In Flames

Room firepipes.gif The camera reveals a hallway whose walls are lined with flame-spewing pipes. What could the point of this place be? What possible Crimbo purpose could this serve?
repeat 10 [ fd 50 ]
FREE

<Crimbot name> takes on a decidedly more post-apocalyptic appearance as it slowly gets more and more burned.

Your Crimbot takes 2 damage.

gunup fd 500 gundown
BLAMBLAM

<Crimbot name> manages to bend most of the pipes shut by shooting them.

Your Crimbot takes 1 damage.


Getting Your Bearings

Room bearings.gif The camera reveals that your Crimbot's only way forward is through a room that appears to be designated for loose ball bearing storage.
vlc comedy.avi
FREE

You groan as <Crimbot name> repeatedly falls down on the ball bearings. The speaker blares an obnoxious laugh track.

Your Crimbot takes 2 damage.

vlc drama.mp4
ROLL

<Crimbot name> manages to traverse the entire floor, only falling down once. Through the speaker, the audience oohs and ahhs.

Your Crimbot takes 1 damage.


Gone With The Wind

Room fanhall.gif The slight wobble of the camera reveals that your Crimbot must traverse a wind tunnel to proceed.
gfortran forward.f
FREE

You watch as <Crimbot name> wobbles slowly forward against the wind, repeatedly getting hit in the face with flying debris.

Your Crimbot takes 2 damage.

fan.speed=0
POWPOW

<Crimbot name> punches the fan until it stops blowing. It only hurts a little.

Your Crimbot takes 1 damage.

Floor 2

Floor 2 Crimbot Guards


Compugilist

Room boxerbot.gif The screen shows an imminent fight between your Crimbot and a robot that seems to have been optimized for fistfighting.
em.rock(); em.sock();
POWPOW

<Crimbot Name> wins a protracted boxing match against its opponent. You should charge people to watch this stuff!

friendly_chat();
FREE

<Crimbot Name> is a talker, not a fighter. Unfortunately, this doesn't make its opponent not a fighter.

Your Crimbot takes 2 damage.


Festively Armed

Room gunbot.gif The camera reveals that your Crimbot's progress has been blocked by a robot... let's say... festooned with guns. Festooned is a good word for it.
RUN TRIPSLIP.BAS
LUBE

<Crimbot Name> cleverly greases up the floor under the gun-bedecked robot, which falls on its back, leaving its dozens of guns pointed harmlessly at the ceiling.

sleep 1000
FREE

<Crimbot Name> politely waits while the gun-bedecked robot shoots a big hole in it.

Your Crimbot takes 1 damage.


Bot Your Shield

Room shieldbot.gif The camera reveals an... outhouse door? Oh, no, it's just a security robot hiding behind a massive metal plate with a single hole in it.
shoothole.sh
BLAMBLAM

<Crimbot Name> levels an extremely precise shot through the hole in the Shieldbot's shield. A tinny voice shouts "Heatshot!" through the speaker.

elm
FREE

<Crimbot Name> makes like a tree and stands still until the Shieldbot gets tired of pummeling it and leaves.

Your Crimbot takes 2 damage.


Whatcha Thinkin'?

Room brainbot.gif A massive dome dominates (dome-inates, ha ha) the view of the camera. It pans down and reveals the dome to be the brain-covering of an angry robot!
treat(ECT)
ZAPZAP

<Crimbot Name> puts the clamps to the robot's brain, scrambling its eggs. The... eggs of its thoughts.

./fairfight.pl
FREE

<Crimbot Name> puts up a good fight, and eventually wins, but at what cost. AT WHAT COST.

Your Crimbot takes 2 damage.


I See You

Room eyebot.gif The camera reveals a security robot with the biggest eyes you've ever seen on a machine. And also the most eyes you've ever seen on a machine.
with(light) blind
LIGHT

<Crimbot Name> turns on its floodlights, blinding the security robot so thoroughly that it explodes.

like(deuce) shake_up
FREE

<Crimbot Name> runs some kind of ridiculous nonsense protocol for a while. The security robot shoots it a few times and then wanders off.

Your Crimbot takes 1 damage.


Floor 2 Choice


The Corporate Ladder

Room ladder.gif The camera reveals that your Crimbot has made its way into a maintenance shaft. You could direct it upwards to the corporate offices, or down toward the far more dangerous factory floor.
doscript(bcc_automated_ascension)
FREE

<Crimbot Name> slowly ascends the ladder.

DESCENT.EXE
FREE

Loud factory noises get louder in the speaker as <Crimbot name> descends the ladder.


Floor 2 - Corporate Office Reward


This Gym Is Much Nicer

Room lockerroom.gif The camera slowly pans across the locker room of the factory's former Executive Gym.
search(priority_jock);
PINCH

<Crimbot Name> grabs some goodies out of a jock elf's locker and drops them into a pneumatic recovery tube.

Recovered Elf Item You acquire an item: Recovered Elf Item

search(priority_nerd);
PINCH

<Crimbot Name> relays a picture of the schematic taped to the inside of a nerd elf's locker door. You print it out.

Floor 2 Crimbot Schematic You acquire an item: Floor 2 Crimbot Schematic


Still Life With Despair

Room deskpc.gif The camera reveals the most common scene from modern life. A desk with a computer on it.
find * | desk
PINCH

<Crimbot Name> grabs some goodies out of the top drawer of the desk and tosses them into a pneumatic recovery tube.

Recovered Elf Item You acquire an item: Recovered Elf Item

computronz.zaphack++
ZAPZAP

<Crimbot Name> zaps the keyboard of the computer, causing a schematic to appear on its screen. You quickly press the print button.

Floor 2 Crimbot Schematic You acquire an item: Floor 2 Crimbot Schematic


Hope You Have A Beretta

Room closet.gif The camera displays the interior of a closet. There are some technical manuals within reach, and what looks like a backpack hanging from a hook near the ceiling.
schematic_grab();
PINCH

<Crimbot Name> carefully grabs the schematic and holds it in front of the camera so you can print it out.

Floor 2 Crimbot Schematic You acquire an item: Floor 2 Crimbot Schematic

RUN SHOOT_BACKPACK.QB
BLAMBLAM

<Crimbot Name> shoots the straps of the backpack until it falls into a conveniently-located pneumatic recovery tube.

Recovered Elf Item You acquire an item: Recovered Elf Item


Floor 2 - Corporate Office Hazard


Off The Rails

Room rail.gif The camera reveals a narrow railing above a treacherous fall. Another impractical room, to be sure.
rails grind -h
ROLLROLL

The camera wobbles thrillingly as <Crimbot Name> grinds the rail. The speaker emits a shrill "ONE THOUSAND POINT COMBO!"

Your Crimbot takes 2 damage.

drop table self;
FREE

<Crimbot Name> teeters on the edge of the abyss, then plunges in.

Your Crimbot takes 3-4 damage.


A Vent Horizon

Room gasvent.gif The camera shows that in order to proceed, your Crimbot is going to have to move past a vent spewing corrosive gas.
update vent set frozen=1
FREEZE

<Crimbot Name> manages to frost over the vent, but not before getting some corrosive gas into some of its more sensitive spots.

Your Crimbot takes 2 damage.

updat event set frozen=1
FREE

The speaker blares "INVALID QUERY SYNTAX" as <Crimbot Name> just sits there, slowly being eaten away by the corrosive gas.

Your Crimbot takes 3-4 damage.


A Pressing Concern

Room press.gif The camera reveals that your Crimbot has gotten itself into a little bit of a pickle. It's standing on the crushing surface of some kind of giant industrial press.
run(fast*6)
RUNRUN

<Crimbot Name> manages to move fast enough to mostly escape a mangling. Mostly.

Your Crimbot takes 2 damage.

step(normal*6)
FREE

<Crimbot Name> gets savaged by the press. There must be a problem with its optics.

Your Crimbot takes 3-4 damage.


The Floor Is Like Lava

Room foundry.gif The camera reveals that your Crimbot has somehow landed in a foundry bucket filled with molten metal.
float
HOVER

<Crimbot Name> floats just high enough over the molten metal that only the very bottom part of it gets melted.

Your Crimbot takes 2 damage.

int
FREE

<Crimbot Name> gives a thumbs-up as it sinks into the molten metal. Kowabunga, baby. Your Crimbot takes 3-4 damage.


Floor 2 - Factory Floor Reward/Hazard


Pants in High Places

Room pants.gif The camera reveals a pair of workman's (workelf's?) pants dangling from a catwalk, far above your Crimbot.
php ./pantsblast.php
BLAMBLAM

<Crimbot Name> shoots down the pants (don't ever shoot down your pants, kids) and dislodges a Crimbot schematic. You print it out.

Floor 2 Crimbot Schematic You acquire an item: Floor 2 Crimbot Schematic

exit
FREE

<Crimbot Name> leaves the scene, clumsily hitting its head on a girder as it does. Your Crimbot takes 2-3 damage.


Cage Match

Room cage.gif The camera shows a Crimbot schematic enclosed in an electrified cage. They must be worried about schematic-eating vermin.
with(electricity) fight(electricity);
ZAPZAP

<Crimbot Name> overloads the electric cage and faxes you a copy of the schematic inside.

Floor 2 Crimbot Schematic You acquire an item: Floor 2 Crimbot Schematic

open_cage(manual)
FREE

<Crimbot Name> tries to open the cage manually, but ends up getting fried by the juice. Speaking of which, you're hungry and thirsty. You should go get some fries and juice.

Your Crimbot takes 2-3 damage.


Birdbot is the Wordbot

Room birdbot.gif The camera pans upward to show a bird-like robot flying near the ceiling of the factory floor, holding a shiny object.
GgsOSUB 1000 : REM bird hunting
BLAMBLAM

<Crimbot Name> blasts the birdbot out of the sky. As it falls, it drops the thing it was carrying into a pneumatic recovery tube.

Recovered Elf Item You acquire an item: Recovered Elf Item

GOSUB 2000 : REM bird ignoring
FREE

<Crimbot Name> ignores the birdbot. Offended, it dumps a load of corrosive goo on <Crimbot Name>'s head.

Your Crimbot takes 2 damage.


Humpster Dumpster

Room dumpster.gif The camera feed shows a rusted-shut dumpster. Happy Crimbo!
xDumpster.lube()
LUBE

<Crimbot Name> greases open the dumpster, then presses the interior button that flushes its contents into a pneumatic recovery tube. Why is that button on the inside of the dumpster?

Recovered Elf Item You acquire an item: Recovered Elf Item

!$lube
FREE

Armed with no lube, <Crimbot Name> is unable to open the dumpster and instead hits itself in the head with a crowbar. Seems weird that those were the only two options.

Your Crimbot takes 3 damage.

Basement

Basement Crimbot Guards


Gunception

Room gungun.gif The camera displays a ceiling mounted gun turret made of smaller guns. Underneath it is a coffee machine, which is presumably less of an immediate threat.
blam.blam.blam('Take that!')
BLAMBLAMBLAM

<Crimbot name> carefully fires a single bullet into each of the guns in the turret, neatly plugging them.

blam.blam('Booyah!')
BLAMBLAM

<Crimbot name> shoots down the turret in a hail of gunfire. Unfortunately, the hail went both ways.

Your Crimbot takes 1 damage.

output.exclaim('Ooh -- coffee!');
FREE

<Crimbot name> focuses its attention on the coffee machine instead of the many bullets piercing its metal skin.

Your Crimbot takes 2-3 damage.


Unfinished Business

Room incomplete.gif The camera reveals a robot in the process of assembling itself. An open panel on the front of it exposes a mass of wires and pistons and gears and whatnot.
protocol::flames->target(wires)
BURN

D-56 Amount Renting Unit burns all of the wiring inside the unfinished robot, rendering its unfinished state permanent.

protocol::lubricate->target(pistons)
LUBE

<Crimbot name> squirts a bunch of extra lubricant onto the unfinished robot's bits, making it move awkwardly and deliver a somewhat less savage beating.

Your Crimbot takes 1 damage.

procol::harum->target(70s_playlist.txt)
FREE

Tinny 70s music plays through the speaker as the unfinished robot beats the tar out of <Crimbot Name>. Why is there tar in these things, anyway?

Your Crimbot takes 2-3 damage.


Et tu, Brutebot?

Room brute.gif The camera reveals a hulking brute of a robot between your Crimbot and its objective. The kind of robot who won't take zero for an answer.
punch_object(3)
POWPOWPOW

<Crimbot Name> manages to throw enough punches to knock the Brutebot out in the first round.

punch_object(2)
POWPOW

<Crimbot Name> wins the fight in the second round, but takes some damage in the first.

Your Crimbot takes 1 damage.

lunch(1)
FREE

<Crimbot name> takes a lunch break while the Brutebot breaks several of its parts.

Your Crimbot takes 2-3 damage.


I See What You Saw

Room chainsaw.gif The camera reveals a robot seemingly designed to take detailed photographs of things and then destroy those things with a massive mouth-mounted chainsaw. Maybe it's going for a crude form of teleportation, and it's going to vomit up a reconstituted model later in a different place.
ir_remote->see.overload()
LIGHTLIGHT

<Crimbot Name> flashes its lights in a confusing pattern, frying the Sawbot's recognition circuits.

ir_remote->saw.overdrive()
PINCHPINCH

<Crimbot Name> twiddles some of the Sawbot's knobs, causing the chainsaw-mouth to overheat, and unfortunatley also causing <Crimbot Name> to get severely burned.

Your Crimbot takes 2? damage.

RUN HANDSHAKE.QB
FREE

<Crimbot name> reaches out to shake the Sawbot's hand, but the Sawbot just bites <Crimbot name>'s hand off instead of shaking it.

Your Crimbot takes 2-3 damage.


Dorkbot 4000

Room dweeb.gif The camera displays a dweeby-looking robot poring over what used to be a fire escape map and is now probably a map that would lead you directly into a makeshift furnace.
telljoke(paradox)
DECODEDECODE

<Crimbot Name> tells an extremely confusing joke (which I can't repeat here because it was in binary) and the dweeby robot's electric brain melts with a puff of smoke.

playtrick(joybuzzer)
ZAPZAP

<Crimbot Name> tricks the dweeby robot into shaking its hand, then electrocutes them both. Hilarious!

Your Crimbot takes 1-2 damage.

showfriendship(hug)
FREE

<Crimbot name> hugs the dweeby robot, which explodes as a result of the unexpected kindness.

Your Crimbot takes 2-3 damage.


Basement Choice


Risk vs. Reward

Room lohi.gif The camera reveals a pair of doors, one labeled "Low-security mostly unlocked storage" and one labeled "Important stuff worth seriously protecting." Hmm. Crimbo elves were pretty literal in their door-labeling.
const char diff = 'hard';
FREE

<Crimbot Name> scoots through the scarier of the two doors.

const char diff = 'easy';
FREE

<Crimbot Name> scoots through the less scary of the two doors.

Basement Easy Rewards


Clear Cut Decision

Room boxes.gif The camera feed shows two boxes, one marked "Lost and Found" and the other marked "Unused Crimbot Schematics." What an unambiguous choice you've been presented with!
534348454d4154494321
FREE

<Crimbot Name> transmits an image of the top schematic in the stack. You print a copy.

Basement Crimbot Schematic You acquire an item: Basement Crimbot Schematic

4c4f53542f464f554e44
FREE

<Crimbot Name> empties the lost and found box into the nearest pneumatic recovery tube.

Recovered Elf Item You acquire an item: Recovered Elf Item

Recovered Elf Item You acquire an item: Recovered Elf Item


Messy, Messy

Room table.gif The camera reveals a tabletop on which a Crimbot schematic has been carelessly draped over the top of some kind of lumpy object.
schematic.grab()
FREE

<Crimbot Name> grabs the schematic and holds it up to its camera so you can print it.

Basement Crimbot Schematic You acquire an item: Basement Crimbot Schematic

schematic.burn()
BURN

<Crimbot Name> burns away the schematic, revealing the valuable (and only slightly burned) elf keepsake beneath.

Recovered Elf Item You acquire an item: Recovered Elf Item


Too Few Cooks

Room kitchen.gif The camera reveals the scene of a robot having gone haywire in a kitchen. A schematic sits inside an oven turned up to 6,000 degrees, and a Crimbo elf's fanny-pack has been shoved into a microwave.
proc.initiate('hotpocket.script')
FREE

<Crimbot Name> presses the button on the microwave, pulls out the (stunningly undamaged) elf keepsake, and drops it into a pneumatic recovery tube.

Recovered Elf Item You acquire an item: Recovered Elf Item

appliance.apply.app('freeze.dmg')
FREEZE

<Crimbot Name> cools down the fridge to the point where it can safely recover the schematic and fax it to you.

Basement Crimbot Schematic You acquire an item: Basement Crimbot Schematic

Basement Hazards


Freeze!

Room cold.gif The camera reveals that the factory's fire-suppression system has been activated, and your Crimbot is being hosed down with liquid nitrogen!
set velocity = MAXSPEED;
ROLLROLL

<Crimbot Name> manages to mostly escape the frigid liquid, and only suffers a minor case of electronic brain freeze.

Your Crimbot takes 2 damage.

set temperature = MAXTEMP;
BURNBURN

Z-61 Group Entertaining Unit turns its heaters up full blast, but the biting cold still bites.

Your Crimbot takes 3 damage.

set favoritecharacter = MAXHEADROOM;
FREE

<Crimbot Name> turns its electronic brain to the purpose of 1980s nostalgia as the freezing liquid turns it into something resembling Jack Nicholson at the end of The Shining.

Your Crimbot takes 4-5 damage.


Fire! Fire! Fire!

Room furnace.gif The camera reveals that your Crimbot has wandered into an incinerator. Or maybe gotten violently thrown into one. A lot of frames are getting dropped, so it's hard to tell.
pathfind->prioritize(!fire)
RUNRUN

<Crimbot Name> darts out of the incinerator after getting only partially reduced to molten slag.

Your Crimbot takes 2 damage.

internal_thermostat->crank(widdershins)
FREEZEFREEZE

<Crimbot Name> cranks its internal temperature down as far as it will go, but it's not far enough.

Your Crimbot takes 3-4 damage.

engage(sauna_enjoyment_protocol
FREE

<Crimbot Name> relaxes and allows most of its body to be consumed in flame. A metallic "Ahhhhhhh." comes from the speaker.

Your Crimbot takes 4-5 damage.


What a Grind

Room gears.gif The camera's field of view slowly descends as you realize that your Crimbot is being fed into a massive industrial shredder. Quick!
apply_motion_deltaY(-10)
HOVER

<Crimbot Name> rises out of the shredder, minimizing the shreddage as if it were the opposite of a heavy metal guitarist.

Your Crimbot takes 1-3 damage.

spray_lubricant(rand())
LUBE

<Crimbot Name> spews lubricant in every direction, which makes the damage done by the shredder slightly more tolerable.

Your Crimbot takes 3-4 damage.

panic(crazymode)
FREE

<Crimbot Name> panics and dives even deeper into the teeth of the shredder.

Your Crimbot takes 4-5 damage.


Basement Hard Guards


Ultrasecurity Megabot

Room security.gif The camera reveals a menacing security robot attempting to shackle your Crimbot and presumably toss it into the robo-brig.
exploit(rng_crypto_flaw);
DECODEDECODE

<Crimbot Name> hacks the security robot's self-destruct protocols, resulting in an only somewhat-painful explosion. For <Crimbot Name>. It was presumably far more painful for the security bot.

Your Crimbot takes 1-2 damage.

perl bruteforce.pl
POWPOWPOW

<Crimbot Name> dispatches the security robot the old-fashioned way -- a mutually destructive fistfight. This is why you don't see many old-fashioned robots around these days.

Your Crimbot takes 3-4? damage.

action=submit
FREE

<Crimbot Name> submits to the savage beating the security robot is programmed to deliver.

Your Crimbot takes 5-6 damage.


Flameybot

Room flamebot.gif The camera reveals a robot whose left arm is a flamethrower, whose right arm is a flamethrower, and whose face is another flamethrower. They are as serious about security as they aren't about fire safety.
exploit(rng_crypto_flaw);
FREEZEFREEZE

<Crimbot Name> fights fire with ice, which, while somewhat effective, still results in it getting burned.

Your Crimbot takes 2? damage.

foreach($nozzle as $n) weld($n);
ZAPZAP

<Crimbot Name> manages to arc-weld most of the flamethrowers shut, but takes a lot of damage in the process.

Your Crimbot takes 3-4 damage.

setbehavior(rand())
FREE

<Crimbot Name> flails around in circles while the Flameybot douses it in fire.

Your Crimbot takes 5-6 damage.


The Big Guns

Room bazooka.gif The camera reveals a huge bazooka-turret slowly sweeping back and forth across the room your Crimbot must now traverse.
turnon light.*
LIGHTLIGHT

<Crimbot Name> turns on all of its lights at once, making it harder for the bazooka to hit it. Not impossible, mind you, just harder.

Your Crimbot takes 1 damage.

flip turret.switch
PINCHPINCH

<Crimbot Name> manages to turn down the bazooka turret's rate of fire by 40%, still getting shot several times in the process.

Your Crimbot takes 3 damage.

10 PRINT "HELLO TURRET!"
FREE

<Crimbot Name> waves at the turret while being repeatedly shot in the face.

Your Crimbot takes 5 damage.


Basement Reward


Phony

Room phone.gif The camera reveals that your Crimbot has discovered an elf smartphone, which is currently in the process of decrypting a complicated Crimbot schematic.
phone.photograph()
FREE

<Crimbot Name> takes a screenshot of the phone's display and texts it to you. You then throw your phone in a scanner and print out a copy of the screenshot.

Basement Crimbot Schematic You acquire an item: Basement Crimbot Schematic

phone.yoink()
FREE

<Crimbot Name> hurls the phone out a nearby window, and you deftly catch it.

Recovered Elf Item You acquire an item: Recovered Elf Item


Occurs in The Crimbot Factory upon deploying a Crimbot from Build a Crimbot! during Crimbo 2014.

Strategy

Notes

  • When the Crimbot would be dealt more damage than it has left, it will only take enough damage to break.
  • You can choose to build and deploy a Crimbot while falling-down drunk.
  • Choosing to self-destruct without checking the confirmation box yields:
    You must check the confirm box before you blow up your poor, innocent Crimbot.
  • If you check it, however:
    Having served its purpose, <Crimbot Name> engages its emergency explosion system. The camera feed goes dark.
  • Otherwise, reaching zero "shields" ends the minigame with the message:
    The camera feed goes black as <Crimbot Name>'s systems suffer a catastrophic failure.

References