You're fighting Dances With Deserts
The smell of a merrily burning campfire tickles your nose. You flash back to happy memories of roasting turnips with your friends on camping trips. There's still a hint of a nostalgic smile on your face when a red-hot bugbear leaps out from behind a tree, sparks flying from his smoldering feet as he lands.
Critical Hit Message:
He roasts you like a Yuletide marshmallow, then strips off your charred skin and roasts you again. Ouch! Ouch! Argh! (hot damage)
He breathes fiery breath on you, like a smaller, furrier, wingless dragon. Eek! Oof! Eek! (hot damage)
He fires you. I mean, he doesn't end your employment relationship, I mean he roasts you like a marshmallow. Eek! Ooh! Ooh! (hot damage)
He chomps your <shins> with a red-hot fang, making your blood sizzle. Eek! Eek! Ow! (hot damage)
He pierces your <solar plexus> with one red-hot claw. Oof! Ugh! Eek! (hot damage)
He punches you with a red-hot paw. Aw naw! Oof! Ouch! Ooh! (hot damage)
He clasps his burning paws together around your head, stifling and suffocating and burning. You feel flames, on the side of your face, heaving breaths... Ouch! Ooh! Argh! Oof! Ugh! (hot damage)
He tries to breathe fire breath on you, but you point out he's not a dragon.
He tries to pierce your shoulder with one red-hot claw, but your piercing screams dissuade him.
He tries to chomp you with his red-hot teeth, but you point out he could use some whitening toothpaste.
He tries to punch you with a red-hot paw, but you discourage him from pawing at you.
He tries to fire you, but you have a strong union and you avoid the firing.
He tries to roast you like a Yuletide marshmallow, but you say, "Yule be sorry if you do that."
A giant grizzly bear runs up and gives the bugbear a lecture on preventing forest fires, while you watch and snicker. (FUMBLE!)
The bugbear picks up a rock, breathes on it until it glows red, then beans you with it. (hot damage)
The bugbear roars at you, searing and blackening you Cajun-style. (hot damage)
The bugbear sticks out a glowing-red tongue at you. Your blood starts to boil, and not in a metaphorical way. (hot damage)
The bugbear licks you with a searing-hot tongue. It's more painful than gross. (hot damage)
The bugbear grins, then hisses and spits boiling saliva on you. (hot damage)
The bugbear locks you into a searing bugbearhug until your skin starts to blacken. (hot damage)
The bugbear roars at you, its breath like an oven. I mean, like the heat inside of an oven. I'm not saying its breath had metal racks in it, or something. (hot damage)
The bugbear knocks you backwards. You trip over a branch and fall to the ground. Oh, sorry, I mean you fall into a bugbear campfire. (hot damage)
Occurs at Dreadsylvanian Woods
- The name, image, and introduction text of this monster are all randomly selected:
A thick cloud of campfire smoke billows into your face, stinging your eyes and making all your clothes smell like immolated wood. You curse and move over, but the cloud seems to follow you wherever you go. Then a red-hot paw on a noodly arm reaches out towards you, and you realize you're under attack from something far more dangerous (if somewhat less carcinogenic) than rapidly oxidizing plant matter.
|You step on a hot coal. Your ninja training allows you to walk over it without being burned, of course, but you swear under your breath at whatever careless camper didn't douse their fire. Then you look back at the little bed of coals and see that it's in the shape of a bugbear footprint. Then, naturally, you get attacked by a red-hot bugbear.
|Sweat drips from your brow and runs into your eyes. Is it really hot out here, or is it just you? As the stream next to you starts to bubble and steam, you figure it's probably not just you. Then a huge, red-hot bugbear leaps from behind a tree, burning the grass to embers where it lands. That's definitely not just you, unless this is one of those terrible movies where the killer and the victim are the same person and it was all in somebody's mind, or some crap.
|The mist in this part of the forest is so thick you can barely see your nose in front of your face--which I guess isn't that weird since you can barely see your nose most of the time, right? Anyway, there's a lot of mist, which may or may not be related to nose-visibility.
You look down and realize you're standing in a dry creek bed. Maybe all the mist is actually steam from an entire body of water getting superheated all at once? But what kind of creature could cause that?
Oh, right. A hot bugbear taking a steam bath would do the trick.
|The air in front of you seems to be getting all--well, kind of wiggly-like. Maybe this forest is in one of the thin places of the earth, and if you step into that shimmer ahead of you, you'll emerge in some fantastical alternate dimension with psychotic trains and taciturn gunslingers!
Or maybe it's just really hot in the forest, and maybe it's really hot because there's a red-hot bugbear around, and he's about to leap out from behind a tree and tear you limb from limb. Probably the latter.
|A bugbear steps out from behind a bush. "Need a light?" it growls.
"No thanks, I don't smoke, because smoking is as bad for you as it is cool," you reply.
"You'll smoke like a chimney when I'm done with you!" the bugbear growls, and tries to set your pants ablaze with one smoldering paw.
|A cool rain starts to fall, and you turn your face to the sky to enjoy it. But then a stupid hot bugbear comes and sets fire to the rain. As it falls, you cry, and you swear that this will be the last time that hot bugbear goes about igniting water.
|You hear the crackle of a roaring campfire, and the roar of a crackling campfire, and feel the heat of a hot campfire, so you stop to look through your inventory for any unused Yuletide marshmallows.
Sadly, the roaring was from a bugbear, and the crackling was the bugbear breaking smaller animal's bones, and the heat was because this is one of those red-hot bugbears your mother warned you about.
|You see a burning bush by the side of the forest path. As you pass, it speaks to you! "Get out of my forest, you filthy thick-armed human!" it shouts. Woah...this is almost a religious experience.
Then a red-hot bugbear clambers out from behind the bush, growls, "I said, get out!" and attacks.
|The air in the forest turns stiflingly hot and still, the air so close and warm you can barely breathe. A squirrel runs toward you, then past you without even seeing you, followed by rabbits, a few skunks, and even full-grown deer running all-out, their eyes rolling with panic.
The temperature soars until you're starting to see double, and then you see two red-hot bugbears running at you. You blink and the figure resolves into just one angry, fiery bugbear. Which is better, I guess, but only marginally.
- The grizzly bear from the fumble message is a reference to Smokey Bear, a mascot of the U.S. Forest Service created to raise awareness about wildfire prevention.
- The critical hit message refers to the movie Clue, in particular a memorable ad-lib by Mrs. White (played by Madeline Kahn).