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Hobo Names

From TheKolWiki

An image of a hobo

Every homeless, muttering, and slightly creepy denizen of Hobopolis has his own moniker, a name as irrational and bizarre as the hobo himself. To the amateur hobo-spotter, these names can seem to follow no rhyme nor reason; however, years of research and in-depth examination of hobokind have uncovered the closely-guarded secret method of hobo naming. Behold, the method hobo names are determined by. By which they are determined.

Contents

Pattern

Hobo names follow this pattern:

[Title] [First Name] ["Nickname"] [Last Name], [Occupation]

Every hobo has a first name, as well as a last name and/or an occupation. Some hobos have both last names and occupations, as well as titles. Hobos with last names occasionally also have a special nickname.

Observed Names

The following names have been found on hobos in the wild.

Titles

A hobo's title usually depends upon his elemental alignment. A few titles can appear on any hobo:
  • Captain
  • Count
  • Dr.
  • Li'l
  • Lord
  • Mr.
  • Mssr.
  • Ol'
  • Professor
  • Senator
  • Señor
  • Sir

Normal

  • 50-Tooth
  • Accusin'
  • Acid-Saliva
  • Amazin'
  • Amazon
  • Ambassador
  • Ambidextrous
  • Amorous
  • Amsterdam
  • Anagram
  • Astonishing
  • Ayn-Rand-Reading
  • Backwards-Looking
  • Balloonpopper
  • Bean-Hoarder
  • Beef-or-Chicken
  • Beer Barrel
  • Bell's-Palsy
  • Big-Tipper
  • Black-Bottle
  • Bleedingtoe
  • Boxcar
  • Brokeback
  • Bruised-Rib
  • Butterknife
  • Buttery-Cheeks
  • California
  • Cambridge Massachusetts
  • Canadian
  • Catscratch
  • Celestial
  • Chainmail
  • Chiptooth
  • Chiseltooth
  • Clinical
  • Collegeboy
  • Commodore
  • Cricket-Eating
  • Crispy
  • Crop-Dustin'
  • Crumbjacket
  • Crummy
  • Cube Root
  • Deboned
  • Deformed
  • Dishwashin'
  • Dishwater
  • Double Stuff
  • Dovetail
  • Elephantine
  • Exoskeleton
  • Experimental
  • Extra-Skin
  • Eyepatch
  • Fake Cockney Accent
  • Feminine
  • Fermat's Last
  • Fine-Nipple
  • Finnish
  • Five-Chambered-Stomach
  • Fleabottle
  • Flemish
  • Flour-Dusted
  • Food-Eating
  • Foreign
  • Forgot-His-PIN
  • Four-Fisted
  • Fourteen-Bindlestick
  • Free-Peanuts
  • Friend of Beasts
  • Friend of Birds
  • Frog-Eatin'
  • General
  • Ghostly
  • Gin-Bucket
  • Glue-Sniffin'
  • Gluttonous
  • Gravybelly
  • Gummy
  • Gutthrower
  • Half-Albino
  • Half-Dollar
  • Hamburger
  • Hard-Flossing
  • His Excellency
  • His Majesty
  • Hizzonner
  • Hobo
  • Hollering
  • Homunculus
  • Honest
  • Honeypalms
  • Hoosegow
  • Hot Fudge
  • Hot Fuzz
  • Huge-Calves
  • Hundred-Aliases
  • Hydrocephalic
  • Illinois
  • Impetigo
  • Impulse-Buy
  • Indiana
  • Insufficient Funds
  • Irontrousers
  • Itinerant
  • Jokestealer
  • Judge
  • Jurassic
  • Kerosene-Soaked
  • Knee-Brace
  • Leopard Print
  • Linty
  • Lonely
  • Low-Carb
  • Many-Eyed
  • Matter-Eater
  • Microbrew
  • Microfiche
  • Mischievous
  • Monkey's-Paw
  • Monkeybars
  • Mountain-Humper
  • Nancified
  • Neckfat
  • New Mexico
  • No-ATM-Card
  • No-Banjo
  • No-Shoulders
  • Normal-Face
  • Not-Quite-a-Quorum
  • Oft-Quoted
  • Orphaned
  • Palindromic
  • Pantless
  • Paper Bag
  • Pelican
  • Penguin-Britches
  • Persuasive
  • Philatelist
  • Pickled-Noggin
  • Pickles
  • Pizzaface
  • Plastic-Moustache
  • Plausible
  • Polish
  • Polished
  • Ponytail
  • Prostate
  • Questionable-Judgement
  • Ragweed-Allergic
  • Raised-by-Trains
  • Redball
  • Roadhouse
  • Root Beer
  • Rubbery
  • Rum-Lovin'
  • Rumpshaker
  • Self-Satisfied
  • Self-Taught-Guitarist
  • Several Teeth
  • Shadow
  • Shakey
  • Simonized
  • Singleminded
  • Sinister
  • Slimneck
  • Slo-Mo
  • Slow Motion
  • Smokehouse
  • Souvenir-Selling
  • Spasmodic
  • Spotted
  • Square Root
  • Staggering
  • Staples
  • Sterno-Drinkin'
  • Stewbuilder
  • Stick-Legs
  • Stinging
  • StrictlyLocal
  • Stun Gun
  • Stunted
  • Stupefying
  • Sugarhouse
  • Sweet
  • Sweetback
  • Tearbaby
  • Teary-Eyed
  • Telekinetic
  • Tennessee
  • Texas
  • Thoughtless
  • Three-Bean
  • Tooth-And-Nail
  • Top-Hat
  • Towel Staining
  • Twistback
  • Two-Glass-Eyes
  • Two-Headed
  • Ugly-Ass
  • Undertaker
  • Unidentifiable
  • Unnervingly Candid
  • Unsteady
  • Unwieldy
  • Utility-Belt
  • Venomous
  • Vice President
  • Washington State
  • Weeping
  • Whiskeyblood
  • Whisperin'
  • Whispering-Lies
  • Whistling
  • Wicked
  • Winnipeg

Hot

  • Boiling
  • Brimstone
  • Burnin'
  • Burninatin'
  • Charbroiled
  • Earth's Core
  • Ember-Jugglin'
  • Fire-Breathin'
  • Fire-Eatin'
  • Fire-Juggling
  • Fireball
  • Flame-Broiled
  • Flame-Throwin'
  • Frying-Pan
  • Furnace-Face
  • Hair-on-Fire
  • Hot
  • Hothouse
  • Hotter-Than-The-Sun
  • Hunka Hunka Burnin'
  • Molten
  • Napalm
  • Pan-Fried
  • Propane-Fueled
  • Pyrokinetic
  • Red-Hot
  • Scalding
  • Scorched-Earth
  • Scorching
  • Scorchmarks
  • Sizzling
  • Smokin'
  • Steam-Powered
  • Steam Vent
  • Steamy
  • Still-On-Fire
  • Supernova
  • Thousand-Suns
  • Torches-For-Hands
  • Volcanic
  • White-Hot

Cold

  • Abominable
  • Antarctic
  • Anti-Anti-Freeze
  • Arctic
  • Avalanche
  • Blizzard
  • Chilly
  • Cold Cold
  • Cold Feet
  • Cold Shoulders
  • Freezerburn
  • Freezing
  • Fresh-From-The-Refrigerator
  • Frigid
  • Frostbite
  • Frosty
  • Frozen
  • Frozen-Drinks
  • Frozen Fingers
  • Glacial
  • Glacier
  • Hypothermic
  • Ice-Covered
  • Ice-Water-For-Blood
  • Iceberg
  • Icebox
  • Icecubes
  • Icicle
  • Made-of-Ice
  • Northern Exposure
  • Penguin
  • Polar
  • Polar-Bear
  • Popsicle
  • Shivering
  • Snowcone
  • Snowflake
  • Snowman-Makin'
  • Teeth-Chattering
  • Yeti

Spooky

  • Bad Dream
  • Bony
  • Cadaverous
  • Cemetery-Skulkin'
  • Cemetery-Sleepin'
  • Coffin-Breath
  • Dead-eyed
  • Dead Guy
  • Deathly
  • Dreadful
  • Eerie
  • Frankenstein's
  • Frightful
  • Ghostly
  • Ghoulish
  • Gothic Horror
  • Horrifying
  • Macabre
  • Nefarious
  • Night of the Living
  • Nightmare
  • Nothing-But-Femurs
  • Putrefying
  • Putrescent
  • Quite Disturbing
  • Rapidly Decomposing
  • Reasonably Frightening
  • Rigor Mortis
  • Scary
  • Six-Feet-Under
  • Skeletal
  • Skeletonesque
  • Soulless
  • Spooky
  • Two-Feet-in-the-Grave
  • Uncanny-Valley
  • Uncanny
  • Unearthly
  • Wes Craven's
  • Zombified

Stench

  • Awful Stench
  • Bad Smellin'
  • Bath-Refusin'
  • Caboose-Fouling
  • Compost
  • Dungheap
  • Filth-Covered
  • Flatulent
  • Foul-Smelling
  • Gag-Me-With-a-Spoon
  • Gangrene-Riddled
  • Garbage Juice
  • Garlic Eatin'
  • Grodulent
  • Halitosis
  • Infected
  • Latrine
  • Maybe-It's-Hormonal
  • Midden
  • Nasty-Smellin'
  • Nauseatin'
  • Necrotic-Limb
  • No-Showers
  • Old Milk
  • Outhouse
  • Paper-Mill
  • Raw Sewage
  • Rotten-Eggs
  • Rotting-Arms
  • Rotting Fruit
  • Sewer-Dwelling
  • Sewerbaby
  • Stenchmaster
  • Stinky
  • Stinky Ol'
  • Swampwalkin'
  • Trashcan
  • Unwashed
  • Upchuck
  • Week-Old Meat

Sleaze

  • Adult Bookstore
  • Adults-Only
  • Assless-Chaps
  • Dirty Jokin'
  • Euphemism
  • Grabby
  • Greased
  • Gropin'
  • Heavy-Petting
  • Inappropriate For Mixed Company
  • Indecent
  • Lecherous
  • Lewd-Behavin'
  • Lewd
  • Lubed-Up
  • Mature Audiences
  • Moist
  • Naughty
  • Not-Safe-For-Work
  • Nude
  • Off-Color
  • Oleaginous
  • Panting
  • Peepin'
  • Peepshow
  • Poultry-Chokin'
  • Risqué
  • Roman-Hands
  • Russian-Fingers
  • Single-Entendre
  • Slippery
  • Tongue Wagglin'
  • Too-Much-Pomade
  • Touchy-Feely
  • Uncensored
  • Well-Oiled
  • X-Rated
  • XXX-Rated

Hobelf

  • Bowl-Full-of-Jelly
  • Candy-Cane-Suckin'
  • Candy-Munchin'
  • Carolin'
  • Chestnut Roastin'
  • Chimney Divin'
  • Cookie Bakin'
  • Dr.
  • Eggnog-Gulpin'
  • Feliz
  • Festive
  • Fruitcake-Eatin'
  • Gift-Wrappin'
  • Gingerbread
  • Good King
  • Hall-Deckin'
  • Have Yourself a Merry Little
  • Holly Jolly
  • Jelly-Filled
  • Jingle-Bell-Rockin'
  • Jinglin'
  • Jolly Ol'
  • Joy-to-the
  • Li'l
  • Lord
  • Merry
  • Mistle-toed
  • Mommy-Kissin'
  • Mssr.
  • Nut-Crackin'
  • O Holy
  • Ol'
  • Ol' Saint
  • Pine-Scented
  • Professor
  • Reindeer-Taunting
  • Round Yon
  • Señor
  • Silent-Night
  • Sir
  • Sleigh-Ride
  • Stocking-Stuffin'
  • Tender and Mild
  • Tinsel-Strewn
  • Toy-Doll-Makin'
  • Toy-Train-Makin'
  • Wassailin'

First Names

  • Abe
  • Achilles
  • Agamemnon
  • Alan
  • Aldous
  • Alex
  • Alistair
  • Alvin
  • Andre
  • Andy
  • Archie
  • Arthur
  • B. J.
  • Barney
  • Bert
  • Bill
  • Billy Bob
  • Bix
  • Boris
  • Brendan
  • Bruce
  • Brucie
  • Buck
  • Byron
  • Cal
  • Carl
  • Charlie
  • Cholly
  • Chrysler
  • Chuck
  • Clancy
  • Clarence
  • Claudius
  • Clayton
  • Cletus
  • Clive
  • Clyde
  • Colin
  • Conway
  • Craig
  • Craine
  • Cthulhu
  • Curly
  • Daddy
  • Dale
  • Dan
  • Dandy
  • Dave
  • Davenport
  • Davey
  • Del
  • Dennis
  • Diego
  • Dmitry
  • Doc
  • Dookie
  • Douglas
  • Duncan
  • Dunstan
  • Dwight
  • Earl
  • Ed
  • Eddie
  • Edgar
  • Elizabeth
  • Elmer
  • Emil
  • Enid
  • Eustace
  • Ferris
  • Floyd
  • Franklin
  • Freddy
  • Frederick
  • Fritz
  • Garrett
  • Gavin
  • Giancarlo
  • Giles
  • Glenn
  • Grant
  • Gunther
  • Gustav
  • H. R.
  • Harold
  • Harry
  • Hilary
  • Holden
  • Hondo
  • Horace
  • Horus
  • Hubie
  • Huckleberry
  • Ignatz
  • Ike
  • Isaiah
  • J. B.
  • J. R.
  • Jack
  • Jacky
  • Jake
  • James
  • Jedediah
  • Jethro
  • Jim
  • Joachim
  • Jocko
  • Joe
  • Joey
  • John
  • Johnny
  • Jonas
  • Jonsey
  • Judas
  • Kelly
  • Kenny
  • Lamont
  • Larry
  • Lee
  • Leo
  • Leonard
  • Leonardo
  • Leroy
  • Lewis
  • Lonnie
  • Lou
  • Louis
  • Ludwig
  • Malvolio
  • Manny
  • Manuel
  • Mark
  • Marlon
  • Martin
  • Maury
  • Max
  • Meriadoc
  • Merle
  • Mick
  • Mickey
  • Mikhail
  • Mitch
  • Moe
  • Molly
  • Monk
  • Morgan
  • Morris
  • Nettles
  • Newton
  • Nick
  • Nicky
  • Niles
  • Noah
  • Noam
  • Norma
  • Ogilvy
  • Oliver
  • Ollie
  • Opie
  • P. D. Q.
  • P. T.
  • Paco
  • Parker
  • Patrick
  • Paul
  • Perry
  • Pete
  • Peter
  • Pickles
  • Pippin
  • Pontius
  • Quinn
  • R. J.
  • R. T.
  • Ralph
  • Randy
  • Raph
  • Raphael
  • Red
  • Reynaldo
  • Ricky
  • Riff
  • Romeo
  • Roy
  • Rufus
  • Ryan
  • Sam
  • Saul
  • Shane
  • Shekky
  • Shemp
  • Shorty
  • Simon
  • Slim
  • Stan
  • Staniel
  • Stanley
  • Stephen
  • Steve
  • Steven
  • Stevie
  • Sting
  • Stitch
  • Sven
  • Sy
  • T. J.
  • Ted
  • Terry
  • Thad
  • Thanatos
  • Theodore
  • Timmy
  • Toby
  • Todd
  • Tomas
  • Travis
  • Tucker
  • Twink
  • Ulrich
  • Updike
  • Uther
  • Victor
  • Vince
  • Vincent
  • Vinnie
  • Virgil
  • Wade
  • Wallace
  • Walter
  • Wemberly
  • Wilbur
  • Willard
  • Willie
  • Woody
  • Yancy
  • Yuri
  • Zachary
  • Zane
  • Zaxxon

Hobelf

Hobelves have additional suffixes appended to their first names:

  • -born
  • -dreth
  • -driel
  • -eri
  • -findel
  • -las
  • -rod
  • -ron
  • -rond
  • -uil
  • -wen

Nicknames

A hobo's nickname depends upon his elemental alignment.

Normal

  • Blinky
  • Boxers
  • Bud
  • Calamity
  • Castanets
  • Casters on Crutches
  • Champagne Cork
  • Cheese and Wine
  • Cheeseburger
  • Chicken Sandwich
  • Curiously Dense
  • Dart-Hurling
  • Dive Bar
  • Fancypants
  • Fast Fingers
  • Flotsam
  • Gopher
  • Hamburger
  • High School Sweetheart
  • Jetsam
  • Kobold Lips
  • Laser Beams
  • Mac
  • Margarine
  • Marginal
  • Marigold
  • Marvin the Martini
  • Melvin
  • Metal Objects
  • Multiple
  • Narcissus
  • Orc Pajamas
  • Palm Trees
  • Pelican
  • Petunia
  • Pew-Pew-Pew
  • Phlegmy
  • Powderpuff
  • Railroad Tracks
  • Rheumy
  • Rock and a Hard Place
  • Salami Hog
  • Salisbury Steak
  • Shuffleboard-Playin'
  • Slow Dance
  • Smooth Operator
  • Soccer Balls
  • Spider
  • Submarine
  • Submariner
  • Sunken Treasure
  • Taco
  • Tarantula
  • Teen Heartthrob
  • The Elbow
  • The Kitten
  • The Knickerbocker
  • The Neck
  • The Repeat Offender
  • The Sloth
  • The Slug
  • The Tiger
  • Turnpike
  • Two-Teeth
  • Winky

Hot

  • 99.9 Fahrenheit Degrees
  • Acetylene
  • Acetylene Jim
  • Afterburner
  • Arson
  • Ashtray
  • Barbecue
  • Blaze
  • Blisterin'
  • Brimstone
  • Briquette
  • Burn Ward
  • Conflagration
  • Do You Smell Something Burning?
  • Embers
  • Fahrenheit 151
  • Fireball
  • Firebird
  • Firebrand
  • Fireworks
  • Hot Sauce
  • Jabañero
  • Jalapeño
  • Magma
  • Several Hundred Degrees
  • Smolderin' Doug
  • Solar Flare
  • Sparky
  • Swelterin'
  • The Arsonist
  • The Back Burner
  • The Bunsen Burner
  • The Flamer
  • The Flaming Bindlestiff
  • The Flaming Flamer
  • The Flaming Kebab
  • The Torch
  • The Vermin Igniter
  • Trashfire
  • Volcano

Cold

  • Absolute Zero
  • Anti-antifreeze
  • Black Ice
  • Blizzard
  • Bluelips
  • Brainfreeze
  • Chatterin'
  • Chilly Willy
  • Cold As Ice
  • Coolerator
  • Don't Get Your Tongue Stuck To Him
  • Freezerburn
  • Freezing Point
  • Frigid Jim
  • Frigidaire
  • Frostbite
  • Frosty
  • Frozenfoot
  • Glacial
  • Hypothermia
  • Ice Nine
  • Ice Storm
  • Iceberg
  • Icebox
  • Icecube
  • Icemaker
  • Icicle
  • Liquid Nitrogen
  • Mr. Freeze
  • Mr. Sleet
  • Really Cold Extremities
  • Snowball
  • Snowflake
  • Snowman
  • The Polar Bear
  • The Snowman
  • Wind Chill
  • Yeti-Boy

Spooky

  • Abracadaver
  • Bogeyman
  • Boneyard
  • Boo
  • Braaaain-Cravin'
  • Chain-Rattlin'
  • Collywobbles
  • Corpsey
  • Creepy Jim
  • Deadeye
  • Ghoulicious
  • Gives You the Jibblies
  • Golgotha
  • Goosepimples
  • Gravedigger
  • Graverobber
  • Heebie-Jeebies
  • Hemp Dance
  • Jack Ketch
  • Lich Licker
  • Mass-Murderin'
  • Mass Grave
  • Mother Issues
  • Old Scratch
  • Reaperman
  • Screaming Meemie
  • Skullface
  • Soulless
  • Spooky Eyes
  • Voodoo-doin'

Stench

  • Awful Offal
  • Baron von Stinkyfish
  • Bad-Smellin' Saul
  • Bath-Allergic
  • Flatulator
  • Gag-A-Maggot
  • Garlic Press
  • Gas-Passin'
  • Gym Clothes
  • Halitosis
  • Lavatory
  • Limburger Jim
  • Liver 'n' Onions
  • Loo Brush
  • Midden
  • Musty
  • Nauseating Bouquet
  • No Soap, Thank You
  • Old Milk
  • Only One Pair of Socks
  • Pitstain
  • Poo-Flinger
  • Poo-Gas
  • Potent Joe
  • Public Toilet
  • Rottencrotch
  • Sardine-Breath
  • Sir Reeksalot
  • Smell-So-Bad
  • Smelly
  • Spitstink
  • Stinkpalm
  • Stinkspit
  • Stinkyfeet
  • Stinkyfinger
  • Sulfur-Eatin'
  • Swampy
  • The Walking Toilet
  • Things That Smell Bad
  • Underarms

Sleaze

  • Astro-Glide
  • Bad Touch
  • Banana Hammock
  • Clingy
  • Close-Talking
  • Flagrant Jim
  • Furtive
  • Ghastly
  • Greasy Ponytail
  • Kid Greasy
  • Lingering Hug
  • Leisure-Suit
  • Man-Thong
  • Nipple Ring
  • Overshare
  • Panty-Thief
  • Peeping Tom
  • Pencil-Thin Mustache
  • Pinky Ring
  • Pomade
  • Rubber Novelty
  • Sex Box
  • Shoe-Mirrors
  • Sleazebox
  • Special
  • Speedo
  • Stalkin'
  • Sweaty-Palms
  • Too Much Information
  • Trans-Fat
  • Trenchcoat-Only
  • Vaseline

Hobelf

  • All Cavities
  • Blisters
  • Boston Charlie
  • Candy Cane
  • Calendar Adventurer
  • Chestnutter
  • Cookie-Bakin'
  • Ding-Dong
  • Egg Noggin
  • Feast of Stephen
  • Figgy Pudding
  • Five Gold Rings
  • Goose
  • Gumdrop
  • Hot Cocoa
  • Jinglin' Bells
  • Mincemeat
  • Pa-Rum-Pa-Pum-Pum
  • Pepperminty
  • Puddin'
  • Pudding
  • Reindeer Gamer
  • Reindeer Gamey
  • Silent Night
  • Silver Bells
  • Still Believes
  • Stuffed Stocking
  • Sugarplum
  • Sugar-plums
  • Sweet Teeth
  • Sweet Tooth
  • Swoot Teeth
  • Swoot Tooth
  • Teddybear
  • The Crimbone
  • The Fruitcaker
  • The Misfit
  • The Nut Cracker
  • Tin Soldier
  • Tinsel Toes
  • Two Front Teeth
  • Winter Wonderland
  • Yule Log

Last Names

  • Adams
  • Allen
  • Anderson
  • Belvedere
  • Benedict
  • Berry
  • Black
  • Brooks
  • Brown
  • Buck
  • Bush
  • Capulet
  • Cartwright
  • Clark
  • Clinton
  • Cooper
  • Davis
  • Des Moines
  • Disraeli
  • Draper
  • Dunn
  • DuPree
  • Durden
  • Easthouse
  • Franklin
  • Garcia
  • Garfield
  • Garfunkel
  • Goldthwait
  • Goodman
  • Haggard
  • Hall
  • Harris
  • Harrison
  • Haskell
  • Hathaway
  • Hernandez
  • Huxtable
  • Isaacson
  • Jackson
  • Johnson
  • Jones
  • Khan
  • King
  • Lee
  • Lennon
  • Lewis
  • Mack
  • Madison
  • Martin
  • Martinez
  • McCartney
  • McDonald
  • McDurkee
  • McMahon
  • McNichols
  • Meadows
  • Miller
  • Mills
  • Montague
  • Moore
  • Mott
  • Nelson
  • Nichols
  • Nicholson
  • Nipperus
  • Nite
  • Noriega
  • North
  • O'Kelly
  • O'Mally
  • O'Reilly
  • O'Sullivan
  • Paulson
  • Pennington
  • Peterson
  • Reagan
  • Reynolds
  • Robinson
  • Rodriguez
  • Romero
  • Roosevelt
  • Rudd
  • Rutgers
  • Salisbury
  • Sanford
  • Shafer
  • Shannahan
  • Shatner
  • Simon
  • Smith
  • Spitzner
  • Steadwick
  • Stemple
  • Stipe
  • Sullivan
  • Symington
  • Taylor
  • Thomas
  • Thompson
  • Tyler
  • Waldorf
  • Walker
  • Wallace
  • Washington
  • Westinghouse
  • White
  • Williams
  • Wilson
  • Woodward
  • Young
  • Zevon

Hobelf

Hobelves have different last names:

  • Belljingler
  • Bowtier
  • Canecandier
  • Cookiebaker
  • Dolldresser
  • Figgypudding
  • Fruitcaker
  • Fudgeboxer
  • Giftwrapper
  • Halldecker
  • Horsecarver
  • Jackintheboxer
  • Kiteflier
  • Mistletoestringer
  • Navidad
  • Nutcracker
  • Piebaker
  • Ribbonwinder
  • Sauerkraut
  • Sleighbeller
  • Stockingstuffer
  • Taffypuller
  • Teddystuffer
  • Tinselstringer
  • Topspinner
  • Toypacker
  • Treetopper
  • Treetrimmer
  • Turducken
  • Turkeybaster
  • Turkeyblaster
  • Wenceslaus
  • Wreathweaver


Occupations

A hobo's occupation depends upon his elemental alignment.

Normal

  • and His Inner Ear Infection
  • Esq.
  • He Who Rings Every Bell He Sees
  • Head Brain of the Hobosphere
  • His Own Twin
  • Hobo of the Mountains
  • King of the Inhumans
  • Master of the Metal Trapeze
  • of the Hill People
  • Representing the Whole Mid-Atlantic Region
  • the Assistant Manager
  • the Alaska-Phobe
  • the Alien Pod-Person
  • the Amityville Horror
  • the Aristocrat
  • the Assistant Manager
  • the Back-Alley Taxidermist
  • the Bedazzler
  • the Bent-Knee Yahoo
  • the Bird-Headed Fool
  • the Boneyard Concierge
  • the Boxcar Beekeeper
  • the Boxcar Medic
  • the Breakdancin' Fool
  • the Brokeback Mountaineer
  • the Buddha
  • the Chamberlain
  • the Child-Size
  • the Child with Haunting Eyes
  • the Colchester Kid
  • the Curator
  • the Devil
  • the Dilettante
  • the Docent
  • the Drunk
  • the Duck Throttler
  • the Dumpster Archaeologist
  • the Elderly
  • the Enigma Machine
  • the Eternal Mystery
  • the Expert Dreamweaver
  • the Explorer
  • the Family Man
  • the Freakster
  • the Freightyard Satan
  • the Fruit Pie Magician
  • the Future of Hoboing
  • the Gentleman
  • the Giant Rabbit
  • the Gnome Kicker
  • the Gourmand
  • the Hairless
  • the High-Ranking Mason
  • the Hobo Cyborg
  • the Hobo Einstein
  • the Hobo From Both Mars and Venus
  • the Hobo in the Iron Mask
  • the Hobo On Stilts
  • the Hobo With Good Credit
  • the Human Gizzard
  • the Human Shark
  • the Human Toothpick
  • the Human Tunneler
  • the Humanist
  • the Infirm
  • the Ionizer
  • the Jack Mormon
  • the Jackanapes
  • the Ladies' Man
  • the Land Pirate
  • the Long Island Landscaper
  • the Lumberjack
  • the Lumberjack Mormon
  • the Mad Monk
  • the Man of the Hour
  • the Man of the Year
  • the Man with the Handlebar Eyebrows
  • the Many-Bearded
  • the Merovingian
  • the Minuscule
  • the Moistener
  • the Monkey Man
  • the Monsoon
  • the Newfoundland Screech
  • the Northerner
  • the Ombudsman
  • the Ornamentalist
  • the Patriarch
  • the Personal Trainer
  • the Pirate
  • the Poor Dad
  • the President's Long-Lost Brother
  • the Prodigal Halfwit
  • the Prosthetic Hobo
  • the Pumpkin-Patch Crooner
  • the Railbender
  • the Rich Man's Poor Man
  • the Right Hand of Telly Savalas
  • the Salad Shooter
  • the San Francisco Treat
  • the Scientist
  • the Scientologist Scientist
  • the Scoliosis Sufferer
  • the Scratcher
  • the Secret Collector of Decorative China
  • the Secret Cop
  • the Sexual Elf
  • the Sneak Thief
  • the Southern Officer and the Southern Gentleman
  • the Spark-Spitter
  • the Spiral-Cut Ham
  • the Star-Traveler
  • the Strangetalker
  • the Strong
  • the Tapdancing Trombo
  • the Tree Surgeon
  • the Train-Oyster
  • the Trainyard Aristotle
  • the Vandal
  • the Very, Very Disturbed
  • the Vestigial Man
  • the Viscount of Everywhere
  • the Walking Disagreement
  • the Waltz King
  • the Waterproof Man
  • the Wax Poet
  • the Well Prepared
  • the Whistlin' Kidnapper
  • Ultralord of the Hobo Jungle
  • Who Isn't Right in the Head
  • Who May Be Found by the Card Catalog
  • Whose Pants Are Indestructible

Hot

  • the Brimstone Bumpkin
  • the Capsaicin Kid
  • the Cigar-Butt-Flicker
  • the Cinder-Tosser
  • the Coal-Chucker
  • the Devil's Pitchfork
  • the Dry Heat
  • the Felonious Firebrand
  • the Fire-Eater
  • the Flame Belcher
  • the Free-Range Oven
  • the Guy Who Causes a Temperature-Related Desire to Remove All of One's Clothing
  • the Heartburn Kid
  • the Heatstroke Kid
  • the Hobo On Fire
  • the Hoboñero Jabo
  • the Human Barbecue
  • the Human Campfire
  • the Human Flamethrower
  • the Human Tiki-Torch
  • the Infernal Racketeer
  • the Inferno
  • the Inflammable Man
  • the Insanely Feverish
  • the Kerosene Kid
  • the Kid Whose Hair Is On Fire
  • the Magmagician
  • the Man Who Burns Like Burning
  • the Man Who Feels Hot, Hot, Hot
  • the Molten Man
  • the Red-Hot Poker
  • the Roman Candelabra
  • the Sidewalk Egg-Fryer
  • the Sterno Connoisseur
  • the Sweltering Sauna Sitter
  • the Tabasco Man
  • the Walking Stove
  • the Walking Sunburn
  • Who Burns at Both Ends
  • Who Is Hot Because He's Fly
  • Who Is Hot, Hot, So Hot, Sticky Sweet

Cold

  • the Abominable Hobo
  • the Alabama Iceberg
  • the Arctic Circular
  • the Arctic Tramp
  • the Boston Penguin
  • the Chilliest Hobo
  • the Cincinnati Snocone Machine
  • the Cold Miser
  • the Dry Icicle
  • the Earl of Frostbite
  • the Fallen Snow-Angel
  • the Freezerburn Kid
  • the Freezin' Frenchman
  • the Guy For Whom the Eskimos Have One Hundred Different Words
  • the Guy With Icewater In His Veins But Probably Not Literally
  • the Hazy Shade of Winter
  • the Hobo-Shaped Ice Sculpture
  • the Hobo Who Looks a Bit Like a Penguin
  • the Hobosicle
  • the Human Icebox
  • the Human Zamboni
  • the Ice Cream of the Future
  • the Ice Cube Cowboy
  • the Iceman who Cometh
  • the Indifferent Stare of a Former Lover
  • the Liquid-Nitrogen Man
  • the Little Fonzie (And What's Fonzie Like?)
  • the Meat Popsicle
  • the Pennsylvania Snowman
  • the Polar Express
  • the Polar Hobo
  • the Polar Ice Capped
  • the Prehistoric Iceman
  • the Refrigerator Coil
  • the Shiverin' Shanker
  • the Snowball-Tosser
  • the Temperature at which Revenge is Best Served
  • the Too-Cold Ice Baby
  • the Witch's Teat in a Cast-Iron Bra
  • the World's Most Violent Eskimo

Spooky

  • the Amateur Necromancer
  • the Autopsist
  • the Black-Eyed, Pasty Asian Kid
  • the Bloody-Aproned
  • the Bony-Fingered Creep
  • the Boogity Man
  • the Cemetery Casanova
  • the Corpse Groom
  • the Crypt Creeper
  • the Dancin' Corpse
  • the Dead Man Walking
  • the Eldritch Mist
  • the Empty Eye Socket
  • the Evil-Eyed
  • the Fingerbone Collector
  • the Galloping Ghoul
  • the Grim Panhandler
  • the Guy Who Likes Corpses a Little Too Much, If You Know What I Mean
  • the Guy With Little Mouths Where His Eyes Should Be
  • the Haunted Hobo
  • the Hobo of the Shadow of Death
  • the Hobo Who Goes Bump in the Night
  • the Hobo Who Wants Your Delicious Brains
  • the Hobosferatu
  • the Hockey-Masked Marauder
  • the Hook-Handed Lurker
  • the Long, Red-Legged Scissor Man
  • the Maniacal Laugher
  • the Night Stalker
  • the Sauntering Corpse
  • the Shambling Man
  • the Silent Hillbilly
  • the Tap-Dancing Skeleton
  • the Tommyknocker Man
  • the Walking Dead Guy
  • Undead Detective
  • Who Hides In The Shadows
  • Who May Be a Zombie
  • Who Sings Nursery Rhymes in a High-Pitched Voice While Delicately Caressing a Straight Razor
  • Whose Clothes Are Made out of Suspiciously Pale Leather

Stench

  • He Who Smelt It And Therefore Dealt It
  • the Dead Man, Judging by the Smell
  • the Dumpster Sleeper
  • the Filth Merchant
  • the Filthy
  • the Foul
  • the Foulness-in-Chief of Stankonia
  • the Fustulent Crack
  • the Garbage Collector
  • the Guy Made Entirely Out of Onions Or At Least That's How He Smells
  • the Guy Who Chain-Smokes in a Poorly Ventilated Room
  • the Guy Who Eats Nothing But Limburger Cheese
  • the Hobo of Eternal Stench
  • the Hobo Who Breaks Like the Wind
  • the Hobo Who Doesn't Have the Sense to Disregard His Own Feces
  • the Hobo Who Sleeps With the Pigs
  • the Human Compost Heap
  • the Human Dung Beetle
  • the Human Paper Mill
  • the Human Stinkbomb
  • the Man Who Should Probably Change His Socks
  • the Man Who Should Probably Change His Underwear, Like, Now
  • the Man Who Uses a Rotting Fish for Aftershave
  • the Master of Flatulence
  • the Methane Man
  • the Nonbather
  • the Nose Exploder
  • the Odoriffic
  • the Poopsmith
  • the Rotten-Egg-Tosser
  • the Rotten Meat Vendor
  • the Sewer-Bather
  • the Smelliest Hobo In the World, Probably
  • the Stankmaster
  • the Sulfuric Wonder
  • the Sultan of Stink
  • the Unidentifiable Smell
  • Who Has Never Bathed Ever
  • Who Is Extremely Funky But Not In a Good Way
  • Who Smells Like Bad Meat or Good Cheese

Sleaze

  • the "Special" Hugger
  • the 32-Year-Old Guy At The Junior Prom
  • the Assless Chapper
  • the Bad Toucher
  • the Balding Guy with a Greasy Ponytail
  • the Bottom Pincher
  • the Cameraphone Panty-shot Taker
  • the Dapper Dan Man
  • the Dirty Jokester
  • the Face Licker
  • the Free-Candy-Dispenser
  • the Furtive Glance
  • the Grade School Loiterer
  • the Guy Who Casually Brushes Up Against You Way Too Often for It to Be a Coincidence
  • the Guy Who Does Not Have a Pencil in His Pocket
  • the Guy Who Was Kicked Out of the Frat House for Misogynistic Behavior
  • the Guy Who Works the Ferris Wheel at the County Fair
  • the Guy Your Parents Were Specifically Referring To When They Said Not To Talk To Strangers
  • the Heavy Breather
  • the Hugger
  • the Human Leer
  • the Human Stain
  • the Inappropriate
  • the Inappropriate Kisser
  • the Liplickin' Perv
  • the Midnight Groper
  • the Moustache You Don't Trust
  • the Moustache-Waxer
  • the Ogler
  • the Peeping Tom
  • the Pocket Pool Shark
  • the Snake-Oil Salesman
  • the Suggestive Winker
  • the Too-Slow Streaker
  • the Uncle Who's Not Really Your Uncle
  • the Unrated Version
  • the Used Car Salesman
  • the Wolf-Whistler
  • Who Looks Down Your Shirt
  • Who Will Poka Da Nipples

Hobelf

  • the Bell Jingler
  • the Carol Crooner
  • the Crimbo Tradition
  • the Decorator
  • the Festively Festooned
  • the Festooner
  • the Fruity as a Nut Cake
  • the Gaily Appareled
  • the Gift Wrapper
  • the Hall Decker
  • the Holly Hanger
  • the Little Drummer Boy
  • the Merry Gentleman
  • the Mistletoe Bandit
  • the Nut Cracker
  • the Nutty as a Fruit Cake
  • the One Who Waits Under the Mistletoe
  • the Polar Expressionist
  • the Reindeer Groomer
  • the Sleigh Bell Polisher
  • the Sleigh Bell Ringer
  • the Snowman Builder
  • the Snowmannequin
  • the Stocking Stuffer
  • the Sugarplum Visionary
  • the Tree Trimmer
  • the Ubiquitous Music that Grates on your Ears after Two Minutes
  • the White Crimbo Dreamer
  • the Wreath Wrangler
  • Who Came Upon the Midnight Clear
  • Who Got Run Over By a Reindeer
  • Who Is As Frightful As the Weather Outside
  • Who Lets It Snow
  • Who May Or May Not Be Home For Crimbo

Notes

References

  • Many of these names are based on the 700 hobo names featured in John Hodgman's The Areas of My Expertise.
  • The Spooky hobo nickname "gives you the jibblies" is a reference to Homestar Runner, where Strong Bad refers to several scary things as giving him "the jibblies".
  • The Stench hobo occupation "The Poopsmith" is a reference to the Homestar Runner character of the same name.
  • The Hot hobo title "Burninatin'" is another Homestar Runner reference, in this case to the character of Trogdor the Burninator.
  • The Normal hobo occupation "of the Hill People" is a reference to the Saturday Night Live skit "Lothar of the Hill People".
  • The Spooky hobo occupation "the Guy With Little Mouths Where His Eyes Should Be" refers to the character the Corinthian from Neil Gaiman's series The Sandman.
  • The Hot hobo occupation "Who Is Hot Because He's Fly" refers to Mims's song "This Is Why I'm Hot".
  • The Hot hobo occupation "Who Is Hot, Hot, So Hot, Sticky Sweet" refers to Def Leppard's song "Pour Some Sugar On Me".
  • The Cold hobo occupation "The Guy For Whom the Eskimos Have One Hundred Different Words" refers to the popular belief that eskimos have one hundred different words that mean 'snow'.
  • The Cold hobo occupation "The Cold Miser" is a reference to the Snow Miser, a character from the Rankin-Bass Christmas special The Year Without a Santa Claus.
  • The Stench hobo nickname "Poo-Gas" is a reference to an episode of Freakazoid in which the eponymous superhero describes a supervillain's sewer lair as smelling like "poo-gas".
  • The Spooky hobo title "Uncanny-Valley" is a reference to a theory in robotics which holds that when facsimiles of humans look and act almost, but not perfectly, like actual humans, it causes a response of revulsion among human observers. Corpses and zombies are also said to be in the "Uncanny Valley."
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