Granny, Does Your Dogfish Bite?
You study the Mer-kin outpost from a nearby hill, orienting the hideous crocheted map to the layout of the camp. You follow the map to a little tent on the outskirts of the camp. There's a ruckus within the tent as you get close, and the tent flap bursts open (flaps open) as a Mer-kin wearing a brightly-colored, crocheted tail cozy swims out as fast as his beyarned tail can carry him. As he swims away, he shouts "stay away from me, you crazy old broad!" as he leaves. Or, at least that's what you imagine he shouted. In reality, it sounded like somebody drowning a jackal.
You walk into the tent and see Grandma Sea Monkee slowly rising to her feet with the aid of a walker that's weighed down with several dozen balls of yarn. "Wait a minute, young man!" she says. "I haven't crocheted you a cover for your hookspear! You're going to hurt yourself on that thing, dearie!" Then she puts on a tiny pair of spectacles and squints at you. "Who're you then, dearie? Would you like a piece of ribbon candy? Maybe a cocktail onion?"
"Um, no thanks," you reply. "I'm just here to escort you back to the Sea Monkee Castle. Grandpa Sea Monkee asked me to find you.
"You're going to escort me? That's wonderful! I mean, I'm a little slow, and I'm sure I'd be useless in a fight, and I'll probably get lost over and over and you'll have to double back and find me, and I can't get over even the smallest obstacle, but I'd love to have you escort me!"
"Huh. On second thought, can you find your own way back? I think I've thinned out the Mer-kin enough for you to get back okay."
"Oh, that'll be fine, dearie. Don't you worry about me -- this Grandma's still got some life left in her old bones!"
Phew, that was a close one.
- The title references "Granny Does Your Dog Bite?" a traditional Southern, Civil-War-era fiddle tune. The phrase is best-known today as a lyric in the song "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" by the Charlie Daniels Band.
- When Grandma asks if you are going to escort her back home, her very contrived list of liabilities references the common aggravations of an escort mission.
- The image can be considered an homage to Granny Cuyler from the TV show Squidbillies