Dr. Gordon Stuart, a Scientist

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Nopic.gif This page is in need of content.

Needs his current dialouge to be added to the list, and probably at the top of the page so people aren't misled into thinking they still get a science notebook

Dr. Gordon Stuart, a Scientist
Dr. Gordon Stuart, a Scientist

Ah yes, hello, excuse me? You appear to be an adventurer -- are you involved with the fight against the tentacles, and those flares in the sky, and so on?

I'm Dr. Gorgon Stuart, from Loathing University's department of Weird Science. Or more specifically, a sort of subdepartment which we call "Really Uncomfortably Weird Science". Anyway, from my lab I observed a series of 54,664 flares that spelled out "TECHMAK THE EUSSTY CARBUNCLE NEEDS YOU", and intuited that this may be a situation that would benefit from my expertise.

First off, I'll need some data about these tentacles and their origins, so I can figure out if they're from a parallel dimension, or a subdimension, or a netherrealm, or a different timeline, or... well, you get the gist, I'm sure. Here, I'll give you an official science notebook and see what you can find out for me.

Um okay.



  • On first visit:
Notebook.gifYou acquire an item: Science Notebook
Good luck! Not that the concept of "luck" has any basis in scientific fact, but you know what I mean.


  • Previously defeated no Eldritch Tentacles with the Science Notebook equipped:
Ah, welcome back. Have you been able to gather any useful data on the eldritch tentacles?


  • Previously defeated X Eldritch Tentacles with the Science Notebook equipped:
So far you've collected X data points. And I suppose 'data points' is an oddly appropriate term in this case. Do you have anything new for me?

What can you tell me about this Eldritch Essence stuff?
Well, with what information I've managed to glean thus far, I've constructed a device that converts this eldritch essence into eldritch items. Hats and pants, to be specific. Which was not my intended product, and I'm not sure what happened there, but I believe there's probably nothing wrong with putting this eldritch fabric right next to your brain or genitals.
Can you make me an Eldritch Hat? [11 Eldritch Essence]
Eldritchhat.gifYou acquire an item: eldritch hat
Can you make me Eldritch Pants? [23 Eldritch Essence]
Eldritchpants.gifYou acquire an item: eldritch pants
Added on February 1, 2017:
Well, with what information I've managed to glean thus far, I've constructed a device that converts this eldritch essence into eldritch items. Hats, pants, and hammers, to be specific. Which was not my intended product, and I'm not sure what happened there, but I believe there's probably nothing wrong with putting this eldritch fabric right next to your brain or genitals.
Can you make me an Eldritch Hammer? [37 Eldritch Essence]
Eldritchhammer.gifYou acquire an item: eldritch hammer
With not enough essences:
I could, if you had enough eldritch essences. Come back when you have them and I'll make it happen.
...Maybe later.
All right. Bring back some more data! There's no such thing as too much data!
  • After the fissures were sealed:
All right. Live long and grow strong and healthy!
  • After the defeat of Sssshhsssblllrrggghsssssggggrrgglsssshhssslblgl:
No Options - Exit
I AM ERROR!

  • Having defeated Y new Eldritch Tentacles with the Science Notebook equipped since last visit:
I've got some science data for you.
Excellent, Y data points! This brings me somewhat closer to figuring out what's going on! Or at least to formulating a theory about what might possibly be going on!

  • Having defeated no new Eldritch Tentacles with the Science Notebook equipped since last visit:
Not yet, sorry.
Well, without data I can't formulate a theory, and without a theory I can't do any experiments, and without experiments I can't write an article, and without an article I can't publish, and unless I publish I can't get tenure.
So, no pressure or anything, but... go get me some data, all right?

  • After enough data points were collected:

Thanks for your help, <name>! The X data points you collected were very beneficial. If any of the results from my ongoing Eldritch Research turns out to have commercial or economic or other benefits, I'll ensure you get a share of the profits or results or benefit. You know, share and share alike.

With all the data points that have been collected I'm working on a device to close the fissures. I believe I'll have it ready within the day.

Ok

Stay safe out there, the Eldritch beasts are still breaking through.


  • After the fissures were sealed:

Thanks for your help, <name>! The X data points you collected were very beneficial. If any of the results from my ongoing Eldritch Research turns out to have commercial or economic or other benefits, I'll ensure you get a share of the profits or results or benefit. You know, share and share alike.

I've managed to close all but one of the fissures for now. Alas poor Hagnk, I hear he's had a string of misfortunes. The Eldritch Emanation Radioactive Ion Emitter emits energy at a frequency opposed to that of the Fissures. They're closed for now, but I'm certain this isn't the last we've seen of this phenomenon. Particularly since the tentacles mentioned someone or something called "Sssshhsssblllrrggghsssssggggrrgglsssshhssslblgl".

I estimate that we have at least a couple of weeks or months before we need to worry about that, however. I will do some more research in the meantime.

Ok

Nothing to worry about, I'm formulating a Universal Theory of Eldritch Fissure Formation, and I'm sure I'll have it figured out before anything terrible happens. Again.


All of this meditation seems to be weakening the barrier between worlds. I suspect that we'll need to deal with "Sssshhsssblllrrggghsssssggggrrgglsssshhssslblgl," one way or another, after Crimbo.

But anyways, where I come from it is traditional to give gifts to friends during the holiday season... here you go. A traditional holiday treat with an arcance scientific twist!

Circle.gifYou acquire 3 Eldritch snaps

  • Around January 5th, 2017:

I'm glad that CrimboTown is going away soon. While I appreciate the joy it brings to people, I don't appreciate the psychic noise created by all this meditation. My sensors suggest that it is weakening the world barrier.

During my sleep periods, it appears that "Sssshhsssblllrrggghsssssggggrrgglsssshhssslblgl" is trying to reach me through astral-dream projection. We may have to deal with this problem more definitively soon.

Ok

Nothing to worry about, I'm formulating a Universal Theory of Eldritch Fissure Formation, and I'm sure I'll have it figured out before anything terrible happens. Again.


  • Around January 11th, 2017:

I'm glad that CrimboTown went away. While I appreciate the joy it brought to people, I don't appreciate the psychic damage created by all this meditation. My sensors suggest that it weakened the world barrier.

During my sleep periods, it appears that "Sssshhsssblllrrggghsssssggggrrgglsssshhssslblgl" is trying to reach me through astral-dream projection. We may have to deal with this problem more definitively soon.

Ok

Nothing to worry about, I'm formulating a Universal Theory of Eldritch Fissure Formation, and I'm sure I'll have it figured out before anything terrible happens. Again.


  • On January 23, 2017:

Based on the visual evidence gathered by Hagnk, it would appear that the tentacles in the eldritch realm are on the move.

Estimating the required information, adjusting for Fnord's theory, recalculating with the Universal Eldritch Constant, and factoring in the desired P value, I believe that I need 11,051,550 more data samples to calibrate my Eldritch Attuner.

Once that's complete, I think we can put an end to this incursion. Get me any information about the eldritch emanations around the tentacles.

Take this no-longer-so-limited edition science notebook so you can be prepared to make note of any tentacle-related observations.

Don't worry, a scientist is always fine.

Notebook.gifYou acquire an item: Science Notebook
  • Subsequent visits:

Based on the visual evidence gathered by Hagnk, it would appear that the tentacles in the eldritch realm are on the move.

Estimating the required information, adjusting for Fnord's theory, recalculating with the Universal Eldritch Constant, and factoring in the desired P value, I believe that I need X more data samples to calibrate my Eldritch Attuner.

Once that's complete, I think we can put an end to this incursion. Get me any information about the eldritch emanations around the tentacles.

I've collected some data!

Excellent, X data points! This will help me figure out how to put an exclamation point on the end of this outbreak.

That's frightening.
I hope it helps, that's frightening.

Yes, a bit. But I calculate that we have a 37% chance of surviving a full-on eldritch incursion. That's more than one of every three scenarios where most life continues.


  • On January 25, 2017:

I've asked some local shopkeepers to implement some schematics I developed and help us collect more data. I imagine at least one of the items should be ready by now.

and the eldritch scanner appeared at The Armory and Leggery for 50,000 Meat.
On January 26-29, 2017, eldritch alignment spray was available at General Store for 1,000 Meat.

  • On January 31, 2017:

Excellent! I've got all the data I need.

Eldritchgrobulator.gif

I have a few adjustments to make to the Eldritch Attuner, and then I believe I will bring a conclusion to this incursion!

Great!

I calculate that we now have a 42% chance of surviving a full-on eldritch incursion!

  • Added to the foregoing on February 1, 2017:

In the meantime, I've come up with a new schematic for combining Eldritch Essence.


  • On February 2, 2017:

Sensational! The Eldritch Attuner is up and running!

Eldritchgrobulator.gif

Nearly all the portal[sic] are closed and I've dragged Sssshhsssblllrrggghsssssggggrrgglsssshhssslblgl into this realm so that we can bring a tidy conclusion to this incursion.

Now all we need to do is study this horrible beast so we can formulate a way to defeat him before he devours Seaside Town.

Perhaps conduct some experiments where you try and damage him as much as possible. I'll act as the control by staying here in Forest Village and not engaging him.

Sure, I guess.

I calculate that we now have a 41% chance of surviving this event! That's significantly greater than your odds against that abomination.


  • Later on February 2, 2017:

Sensational! The Eldritch Attuner is up and running!

Eldritchgrobulator.gif

Nearly all the portal[sic] are closed and I've dragged Sssshhsssblllrrggghsssssggggrrgglsssshhssslblgl into this realm so that we can bring a tidy conclusion to this incursion.

Now all we need to do is study this horrible beast so we can formulate a way to defeat him before he devours Seaside Town.

Perhaps conduct some experiments where you try and damage him as much as possible. I'll act as the control by staying here in Forest Village and not engaging him.

I've done X damage is that enough?

I calculate that you've done X% of the total damage to Sssshhsssblllrrggghsssssggggrrgglsssshhssslblgl so far. I'm working on some theories about how we can defeat him, but nothing is ready for publication.

I've also ordered some really great calculators to hand out as a thank you for everyone helping with this project, I've got Jungle Zenith shipping, so they should be in soon.

Sure, I guess

I calculate that we now have a 41% chance of surviving this event! That's significantly greater than your odds against that abomination.


  • Still later on February 2, 2017:

Sensational! The Eldritch Attuner is up and running!

Eldritchgrobulator.gif

Nearly all the portal[sic] are closed and I've dragged Sssshhsssblllrrggghsssssggggrrgglsssshhssslblgl into this realm so that we can bring a tidy conclusion to this incursion.

Now all we need to do is study this horrible beast so we can formulate a way to defeat him before he devours Seaside Town.

Perhaps conduct some experiments where you try and damage him as much as possible. I'll act as the control by staying here in Forest Village and not engaging him.

Measuring his evolutionary trajectory and corporeal statistics, I believe that we can damage him for the next X minutes. You simply need to activate a certain effect because <reason>!

Try this one:

<effect>
I've done X damage is that enough?

I calculate that you've done X% of the total damage to Sssshhsssblllrrggghsssssggggrrgglsssshhssslblgl so far. I'm working on some theories about how we can defeat him, but nothing is ready for publication.

I've also ordered some really great calculators to hand out as a thank you for everyone helping with this project, I've got Jungle Zenith shipping, so they should be in soon.

Excellent!

I calculate that we now have a 51% chance of surviving this event! That's significantly greater than your odds against that abomination.

Possible reasons/effects include:

  • "...hot is naturally opposed to his spooky nature!"
Scwad.gif Hot Blooded
  • "...appreciating companionship is the opposite of his horrific world view!"
Chorale.gif Chorale of Companionship



  • On the afternoon of February 3, 2017:

Sensational! The Eldritch Attuner is up and running!

Eldritchgrobulator.gif

We've got a plan! Go talk to Hagnk... well, Hagnk's voice at his storage facility!

Measuring his evolutionary trajectory and corporeal statistics, I believe that we can damage him for the next X minutes. You simply need to activate a certain effect because <reason>!

Try this one:

<effect>


Hey Doc, I've tossed X ichor in to Hangk.

Excellent. I'm trying to calibrate my sensors and determine how much ichor we need to get in to the chasm, I should know soon.

First time after you have contributed at least 100 eldritch ichor to Hangk's:

Thanks for all your hard work. Here's a token of my gratitude.

Longcalc.gifYou acquire an item: HP-35 Calculator

First time after you have contributed at least 1000 eldritch ichor to Hangk's (replaces HP-35 Calculator if you have it):

Thanks for all your hard work. Here's a token of my gratitude.

Longcalc.gifYou acquire an item: Silver HP-35 Calculator

First time after you have contributed at least 10,000 eldritch ichor to Hangk's (replaces HP-35 Calculator / Silver HP-35 Calculator if you have it):

Thanks for all your hard work. Here's a token of my gratitude.

Longcalc.gifYou acquire an item: Golden HP-35 Calculator

First time after you have contributed at least 25,000 eldritch ichor to Hangk's (replaces any other calculator if you have one):

Thanks for all your hard work. Here's a token of my gratitude.

Longcalc.gifYou acquire an item: Platinum HP-35 Calculator
Excellent!

I calculate that we now have a 51% chance of surviving this event! That's significantly greater than your odds against that abomination.


Possible reasons/effects include:

  • "...we just need to get out there and do the work of killing him!"
Baggie.gif So You Can Work More...
  • "...getting really worked up really... worked last time!"
Timejuice.gif Timer 7
  • "...he'll be vulnerable if he doesn't think you care"
Apathy.gif Apathy
  • "...getting really worked up really... worked last time!"
Hoppedup.gif Hopped Up on Goofballs
  • "...the poison will seep through your attacks"
Poison.gif Hardly Poisoned at All
  • "...he won't see through that disguise"
Chestache.gif Crappily Disguised as a Waiter

  • On February 8, 2017:

Great! Head over to Seaside Town and see this through to the end!

We did it! The tentacles are all back in their eldritch otherworld and Hagnk is back with us!

And I think I have more than enough research to publish a great paper! I'm still experimenting on this tentacle I saved, though, so maybe that'll be a second paper.

Can I fight that tentacle you saved for science?

Fight an Eldritch Tentacle, once per day

Great!
This has been really exciting! Do things like this happen around here often?

  • Around September 15, 2017:

Well, I've sent my work on the Eldritch Emanation Radioactive Ion Emitter to the Journal of Metaphysical Science. I'm just waiting on notes from the reviewers.

I'm still experimenting on this tentacle I saved, though, so maybe that'll be a second paper.

I've been considering some research into rocks, dirt, and dust particles. I think that "refuse material" is an area of the physical sciences that has been long ignored. I wonder if I can get any material from that Monorail dig site.

Can I fight that tentacle you saved for science?

Fight an Eldritch Tentacle, once per day

Great!
I'm really enjoying this Kingdom. I'm so glad I came!

  • On September 20, 2017:

Well, I've sent my work on the Eldritch Emanation Radioactive Ion Emitter to the Journal of Metaphysical Science. I'm just waiting on notes from the reviewers.

I'm still experimenting on this tentacle I saved, though, so maybe that'll be a second paper.

I've been considering some research into rocks, dirt, and dust particles. I think that "refuse material" is an area of the physical sciences that has been long ignored. I wonder if I can get any material from that Monorail dig site.

Can I fight that tentacle you saved for science?

Fight an Eldritch Tentacle, once per day

What can you tell me about "refuse material"?

I must say, it's a very exciting branch of the physical sciences. Did you know that there are over forty-bajillion dust particles floating around the atmosphere at any moment?

Imagine if we could convert even a small fraction of those particles in to a more useful form. Limitless energy! Boundless resources! Soooo much science!

Currently, I've figured out how to turn dust into rock refuse or clumpy dirty AND back. From there, just a few simple calculations and the sky's the limit.

It's the limit because that's where most of the atmosphere, thus the refuse dust, is, you see?

Can you turn these 10 dust bunnies into Granite?

No problem! I'll just put these bunnies into my hydraulic press, apply some heat, and reintroduce a equigranular matrix to the combined mass.

Bigrock.gifYou acquire an item: hunk of granite
Can you turn these 10 dust bunnies into Dirt?

Indubitably. As I manipulate this dust with my hands, I'll apply 2 CCs of rainwater. The pressure and moisture should... ah, there we go. Dirt.

Powderpile1.gifYou acquire an item: shovelful of dirt
Can you turn this Granite into Dust?

Ah, excellent. This is one of the more exciting conversions. We simply need to create a significant impulse against the hunk. And this is where it get's exciting.

We use this force amplifier I created to manually create the impact. It's got a long wooden shaft to increase my leverage and allow me to increase the momentum of the metal end-piece.

SMACK

Float dust.gifYou acquire 10 Dust bunnies
Can you turn this Dirt into Dust?

Certainly. We simply place your dirt in to[sic] this Kiln...

... time passes..

And here you go!

Float dust.gifYou acquire 10 Dust bunnies
Well, that's more than I ever wanted to know about dust.

Returns to previous text/menu

Great!
I'm really enjoying this Kingdom. I'm so glad I came!

Occurs in Forest Village.

Notes

  • First appeared at rollover on November 2, 2016 during the Eldritch Incursion event.
  • At approximately 8:00 PM UTC (rollover–7:30) on November 3, 2016, Dr. Stuart sent two specially-marked messages to the /trade channel (at least):
    • Dr. Stuart: My steam-powered calcutron calculates that we're 26% of the way to a solution. The disappearance of Uncle P's may be evidence that the other world is homing in on our precious buildings.
    • Dr. Stuart: I urge you to conduct your scientific exploration with all possible vim, vigor and accuracy. We need reproducible results, this isn't psychology.
  • At approximately 3:10 PM UTC on November 4th, 2016, Dr. Stuart sent two specially-marked messages to the /newbie channel (at least):
    • Dr. Stuart: I calculate that we're 60% of the way to a Universal Theory of Eldritch Fissure Formation. Keep up the good science!
    • Dr. Stuart: Also, I hope nobody was using that Reasonably-Sized Fountain in the market.
  • At about 9:00PM UTC on November 4, 2016:
    • Dr. Stuart: Oh no, they took the odd jobs board. The Eldritch Tentacles are taking our jobs!
  • At about 9:35PM UTC on November 4, 2016:
    • Dr. Stuart: It seems that the Eldritch Rays which are creating the fissures can now penetrate buildings. Only tens of thousands of data points more and we'll resolve this situation!
  • At about 1:44AM UTC on November 5, 2016 ( 9:44PM EST on November 4):
    • Dr. Stuart: We're over 90% there. I estimate that I'll finish my calculations and we can start closing these portals tomorrow. Good luck. If luck was a real thing, that is.
  • Right after Rollover on November 5, 2016:
    • Dr. Stuart: I think I have enough data points. If you have any outstanding observations, please turn them in.
  • At about 7:30PM UTC on November 5, 2016:
    • Dr. Stuart: My Eldritch Emanation Radioactive Ion Emitter appears to be working. Several fissures appear to have already collapsed!
  • At about 9:00PM UTC on November 5, 2016:
    • Dr. Stuart: It's working, it's working! We've got the fountain back!
    • Dr. Stuart: I'm having trouble getting E.E.R.I.E. too penetrate Hagnk's, but I calculate that the other two fissures should be closed in roughly 123 minutes.
  • Dr. Stuart's player page, linked from the chat panel, led to the page described here.
  • After November 6, 2016 the doctor remained in Forest Village and continued to offer his eldritch equipment in exchange for essences.
  • At about 4:00PM UTC on January 24, 2017:
    • Dr. Stuart: Initial breakthrough in Seaside Town! To the science mobiles!
  • At about 2:00PM UTC on January 30, 2017:
    • Dr. Stuart: Thanks to TechRat for collecting that last bit of data, and eusst for 0.6793% of all the data!
  • At about 1:23PM UTC on February 3, 2017:
    • Dr. Stuart: We've got a plan! I'll explain it in my tent.
  • Some players suspected that the Timer 7 requirement was meant to be Hopped Up on Goofballs, since the battle message seemed incongruous and Timer 7's effect ID matches the item ID of bottle of goofballs. This was confirmed when Hopped Up on Goofballs turned up two rounds later, with the same explanation from Stuart that Timer 7 had.
  • Fighting Dr. Stuart's severed tentacle does not cost an adventure.

References

  • "Jungle Zenith" is a synonym phrase of Amazon Prime.
  • "A scientist is always fine" is from Welcome to Night Vale, a podcast with its own blend of eldritch horror and humor. It's said by Cecil's (the narrator's) boyfriend Carlos, a scientist.