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Disco horoscopes are usable items found in The Space Odyssey Discotheque. There are 12, each relating to a zodiac sign and each gives ten turns of a different effect, summarised in the table below:
|Aquarius||Aquarius Rising||Spell Damage +30|
|Aries||Aries Rising||Weapon Damage +30|
|Cancer||Cancer Rising||Maximum MP +100%|
|Capricorn||Capricorn Rising||+5% Item Drops from Monsters|
|Gemini||Gemini Rising||Maximum HP +100%|
|Leo||Leo Rising||+10% Meat from Monsters|
|Libra||Libra Rising|| +1 Muscle Stats Per Fight|
+1 Mysticality Stats Per Fight
+1 Moxie Stats Per Fight
|Pisces||Pisces Rising||Mysticality +50%|
|Sagittarius||Sagittarius Rising||Ranged Damage +30|
|Scorpio||Scorpio Rising||+25% Combat Initiative|
|Taurus||Taurus Rising||Muscle +50%|
|Virgo||Virgo Rising||Moxie +50%|
There is a trophy for having all of the above 12 effects active at the same time.
When using one of the above items you receive a random horoscope, taken from the list below:
- That irregular mole on your throat isn't cancer! It's something far, far worse.
- There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus.
- The cat star is rising through Taurus this week, so expect to feel an itching on the back of your neck for days, no matter how hard you scratch.
- Never trust a Taurus. But if you are approached by a Camry or a Corolla, they ought to be safe.
- It's all going down at <meal> time. Don't be late. And don't be too early.
- You will find a great treasure in his sandwich, or at least something that might surprise you.
- Even a man who is pure of heart and says his prayers by night needs to occasionally wash his hair, you hippy.
- Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep.
- Steer clear of Sagittariuses this week. Sagittarii? Learn the plural of Sagittarius this week.
- Your significant other is looking to trade you in for a taller model. Maybe you should take up dodgeball.
- Your true love's name is Grant Adams. The stars apologize if that tells you something about yourself you didn't already know.
- Share an order of roast beef with a fake stranger and see where the night takes you.
- Your diet of steamed french fries is negatively affecting your love life. Try a breath mint.
- Concentrate on toning your obliques and your obliques this week. For the ladies.
- The <colored object> dominates your fortune this week. Interpret that as you will.
- You've got your bug-out bag packed, right? Please tell me you've got your bug-out bag packed. That's all I can tell you.
- Carry a miniature trebuchet around with you at all times this week.
- Get a welder's mask and wear it at all times until this week is over. For real.
- You're taking a trip to the <birthstone> <geographic feature> this week. You won't see much of the sights, though, through that burlap sack you'll be shoved in.
- Be nice to your <friend> this week. I mean, you should every week, honestly.
- Trust your instincts today, unless they're telling you to do something dumb.
- Your lucky numbers are 57, 49, 48, 12, and 0.
- Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik.
- Libras are charming, diplomatic, and easy-going. So expect to be steamrolled by aggressive dickheads this week. And the rest of your life.
- The stars have asked me to tell you that astrology is total bunk. Seriously, exercise some critical thinking and stop reading this horsecrap.
- It would be a good idea to push your knee this week.
- A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you.
- It turns out you picked the wrong week to quit <vice>.
- Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus.
- Your lucky numbers this week are <number>, <number>, 0, 0, 0, 0... huh, it's just 0 for the rest of the year actually. That's weird.
- The stars say to tell you... I can't read this handwriting. Something about your <relative> and a <animal>? I think the stars are drunk again.
- Something smells fishy, Pisces. Maybe it's... you! Ha ha ha I never get tired of that one.
- You should get your ulna pierced this week with a platinum stud.
- That feeling that someone's watching you? It's just <scamp> pulling pranks again. That little scamp!
- Your true first name is <true first name>. Make sure to use it on all official documents.
- Despite what you may have heard, the stars say it is not unusual to see the rain coming down on a sunny day.
- The stars encourage you to write your own fanfic this week, especially if you're 'shipping Krakrox and Lars the Cyberian.
- The stars say you should carve an olive into a scale model of a miniature trebuchet today. They don't say why.
- Forge clean underwear from brass to ward off the ascent of Libra.
- Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window.
- The stars say you should beware of the thing with the stuff. Sorry, they're kind of phoning it in this week.
- Your horoscope this week is more like a horrorscope, am I right?
- The stars intuit that you are gullible and readily apply extremely vague character traits to yourself. Also, like all Tauruses, you're stubborn.
- Beware the <adjective> man, or you will be <misfortune verb>.
- The catatonic <animal> under your bed is fine. Probably.
- The shortsword you pull out of a stone this week will not make you a monarch, but will be handy when the zombies attack.
- You should eat raspberries today until your stomach is full nigh unto bursting.
- Always remember where your towel is, and where the bodies are buried. It'll be helpful to bury the bodies wrapped in your towel.
Not yet categorized:
- Abandon hope for future plans.
- After the apocalypse this week, the currency will be mustard. Start stocking up now.
- All your friends are laughing behind your back...KILL THEM.
- All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you.
- An idle liver is the devil's plaything. Drink a case of bourbon before work this morning.
- Bet all your money on the West Marmotsward Point Insane Housewives to win the championship.
- Beware Germans bearing gifts. Especially those holding a missile launcher behind their back.
- Beware the Ides of <month>.
- Beware the mute stranger, for he will borrow your coffee maker and never return it.
- Beware the phlegmatic stranger, for he will borrow your alarm clock and never return it.
- Capricorns are goats, and goats eat everything. Start with a pail.
- Careful that you don't get shot by an evil stranger this week, if at all possible.
- Contemplate the wisdom of the kittens. Fuchsia is your power color.
- Do you really plan to leave the house dressed like that?
- Don't cast your pearls before <animal>s this week.
- Don't eat eggs this week. They're just gross. Also, botulism.
- Don't forget that Passionate Longing of the Warrior Witch is due back at the library.
- Don't leave the house without a huckleberry in your pocket this week, if you value your life.
- Don't let your negative self-image affect your outlook on life, skank.
- Everything you know is wrong, and also half the battle.
- Get in touch with your inner ferret, just not that kind of touch.
- Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window.
- I asked the stars about you, and they were like, "Who?" ...So uh, I dunno, have a positive attitude in your interactions with other people, or something?
- I'm going to take a shot in the dark here and say you're going to be shot, in the dark, this week.
- Idle feet are the devil's plaything. Now is the perfect week to learn the Polka.
- If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again
- Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week.
- Maintain family relationships by not being such a twat.
- Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no.
- Paint your foot mauve this week to ward off ebola.
- Perfect your Darkside-Flip-Flip Charlie plus Sameway Bloody this week. It'll be the only thing that saves you when the zombies attack.
- Seriously, for real, look both ways when you cross the street.
- Share an order of ham with a wide stranger and see where the night takes you.
- Swallow a handful of amethysts this week to ward off pinkeye.
- Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den.
- That <adjective> stranger on the bus has a very attractive sibling. Be nice and see where it gets you.
- That uncomfortable prickling on the back of your neck is the sense of your impending doom. Or possibly heat rash.
- The burning in your loins this week is directly related to the itching in your spleen.
- The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon.
- The moon is passing through Libra. Be bold in your endeavors. Consider becoming a candlestick maker.
- The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud.
- The stars are pretty hungover, so the only advice they have right now is not to start drinking at two-thirty in the afternoon.
- The stars predict that you will barely miss your guts anyway, so don't dwell on it.
- The stars remind you that there are plenty of other fish in the sea, if you're into dating fish.
- The stars remind you that when the only tool you have is a <tool>, every problem looks like a nail.
- The stars say not to worry about the rash on your solar plexus this week. It's the least of your problems.
- The stars say that you should "lick it before you stick it," which is good advice for stamps.
- The stars say that you should "wrap it before you tap it." They're probably talking about beer kegs.
- The stars say your copy of <romance novel> is a valuable original edition. Too bad you'd have to admit to owning it to sell it.
- The stars wanted to know where you keep your chainsaw. They didn't say why.
- The tally-man is coming to tally your <fruit>. Be prepared.
- There is nothing you can't accomplish with a sufficiently full trolley-car.
- They say that you're better off with the devil you know, so stick with that guy this week.
- This week you will discover that your roommate has just been a human-shaped pile of steaks this whole time.
- This week you will unexpectedly... well, I can't tell you, otherwise it wouldn't be unexpected, and then there'd be a paradox.
- This week your life will get younger and taller. Try to keep your head on straight.
- Those jerks who voted you "most likely to intercede" were right. But they're still jerks.
- To avoid catastrophe, fill a barrel with purple stuff and drink the whole thing.
- Try not to spill any tiger balm on your leg today. Avoiding doing so may be harder than you might expect, but try.
- Try to resolve a conflict between a frog and a canary today.
- Under no circumstances should you carry a typewriter while swimming this week.
- Virgo is in the twenty-second house of the Moon this week, so eat plenty of cereal bars.
- You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say.
- You should check in with your grandfather this week, before you check out this week.
- You will be stalked by an adorable <animal> this week, and surprised when it tries to murder you.
- You will feel a stabbing pain in the nipple at some point this week, as that's the place someone will be stabbing you.
- You will finally find out who shot JFK and J.R. this week, right before he shoots you.
- You will meet the Prime Minister of Molehill, but what with the economy as it is, expect to go dutch.
- You will meet thirty mysterious strangers this week. Hold out for what's behind the curtain, though.
- You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
- You're completely innocent of removing mattress tags. But the jury will believe otherwise.
- You're going to become captain of a novel-writing team this week. Try to rule wisely and fairly.
- Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence.
- Your dream-self will travel to the Chestnut Skies this week. You won't get frequent-flier miles, though.
- Your dreams will come true this week! Specifically, the dream in which twinkling lights surround you like fireflies while you're disemboweled by a rabid shark.
- Your gluten intolerance is far more socially acceptable than your other intolerances. Keep those hidden deep inside you.
- Your hay fever will get worse this week, as will your Saturday night fever.
- Your power accessory this week is a pair of orange-and-black gingham socks. Good luck finding some.
- Your power move this week is the Antepenultimate Enigma. You should probably stretch before you try it.
- Your power stone this week is the double-sapphire. For a couple hundred bucks, I can get you one.
- Your spirit bird this week is the corrupted-ship-owl. Beware the wildebeest.
- for the stranger on the bus (could be diseases or disabilities...?):
- for the man you should beware of:
- polar bear
- Maroon Tophat
- Gray Wrench
- crappo bappoed
<month>s: Which? All?
<number>: Which? Range?
<relative>: (female only?)
<romance novel> titles:
- Forbidden Saddles
- Scarlet Yearning
- Sinful Longing
- Woody Santos
- Davey Nixon
<true first name>s:
- hooking car batteries to your nipples
- snorting cocaine
- Most of the lyrics from the Weird Al Yankovic song "Your Horoscope For Today" are present as horoscopes here.
- "Abandon hope for future plans" is a line from the They Might Be Giants song, "Hide Away Folk Family" -- In the song this was specific to Aquarius.
- "I picked the wrong day to quit <vice>" is a running gag in Airplane!
- Tallymen tallying fruit (bananas) are an important part of "Day-O" made famous by Harry Belafonte.
- "Crappo Bappo" is a form of martial art invented by Jick and described in the September 15, 2011 radio show.