Cleanly pirate
From TheKolWiki
 You're fighting a cleanly pirateThis pirate is obsessed with hygiene and grooming. His fingernails are always dirt-free, his hair always neatly washed and combed, and his skin scrubbed to ruddy perfection. He'd stand out in any crowd of people, but on a filthy pirate vessel he's like a gold tooth in a vat of motor oil.
It's rumored, incidentally, that his obsession with cleanliness comes from always playing second fiddle to his childhood friend, the godly pirate.
Hit Message(s):
He drops a barrr of soap on the ground. You slip on it and land on your noggin. Oof! Eek! Ooh!
He exfoliates your ear with a pumice stone. He's a little too vigorous in his skin removal. Ugh! Eek! Eek!
He squirts peppermint oil and teatree shampoo in your eyes. Minty fresh pain! Ow! Oof! Ow!
He gives you a quick shampoo. You get soap in your eyes. Eek! Oof! Ooh!
He coats your face in astringent. It burns! Ooh! Ouch! Ouch!
Critical Hit Message:
He notices how dirty you are and decides to give you the full treatment - deep exfoliation, sea-salt scrub, sucking chest wound -- wait, what was that last one? Eek! Oof! Argh!
Miss Message(s):
He drops a barrr of soap on the ground. You decline to do what one normally does when the soap is dropped.
He tries to exfoliate you, but you tell him to leave your foliage alone.
He squirts peppermint oil and teatree shampoo at you, but you catch it in your mouth. It's like a soapy candy cane.
He shampoos your hair. The scalp massage is actually quite pleasant.
He tries to coat your face in astringent, but you stringently tell him to stop.
Fumble Message:
He rears back to punch you, but you point out that you're covered with germs, and if he hits you, he'll get some on his fists. He looks horrified and backs off for a while.
Occurs at the F'c'le.
Notes
- The rigging shampoo appears to be a one-time drop.
References
- The barrr of soap message refers to prison rape.
- The line in the description referencing the godly pirate comes from the aphorism, "Cleanliness is next to godliness."
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