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You take a moment to lean against the railing of the F'c'le and enjoy some the silence and solitude of the sea. Unfortunately, there's a chatty pirate nearby, and as soon as he senses your desire for solitude, he has to fill the silence with words.

"Isn't the sea beautiful? I just love coming out here, enjoying the quiet, with no one else around, because solitude is very important to me."

"Really?" another chatty pirate says, joining you, "because I really enjoy quiet and solitude, too. I mean, just the other day I was telling someone how much I enjoy moments of quiet reflection."

"Oh, yeah," yet another chatty pirate chimes in, "quiet reflection is the best, isn't it? Why, there'll be two, three times a week where..."

The process continues until you're surrounded by a crowd of chatty pirates, each one chatting to beat the band. There are too many of them to fight, so how are you going to deal with them?

Fight chatty fire with chatty fire

You jump right into the chatty convergence in front of you, careful to remember the rules of successful chatter: 1) never say anything profound or insightful, 2) always turn the conversation back to you, and 3) never pause to let anyone else speak.

"This conversation is so interesting," you say, "it reminds me of back in my early adventuring days, there was this one guy, who always had the best conversations with me, I don't really remember his name, or anything about him, but man, could that guy talk! I remember this one time, we were having a conversation, and he turned to me and said 'this conversation is so interesting,' he said, 'it reminds me of back in my early adventuring days...'"

You rack up several layers of nested storytelling, while each chatty pirate waits for an opportunity to jump in and talk about themselves. They can't find an opening, though, so eventually they wander away, half-heartedly chatting with each other. It takes you a few minutes to wind down after they're gone, but before long you can enjoy your solitude again.


You gain 100-145 Smarm.

Distract them with shiny objects

You search through your inventory for something suitably shiny and useless to impress the pirates, but can't find anything that fits the bill. The incessant chatter is so bad that you eventually put your head right next to a cannon and fire it, just to listen to your ears ring for a while.

HPYou lose 10-15 hit points.

You search through your inventory for something suitably shiny and useless to impress the pirates, and find a valuable trinket that looks promising. You pull it out, shout "look! Shiny!", and toss the trinket across the ship. The chatty pirates follow it with their eyes, then all congregate around it to talk about how shiny it is, and how it reminds them of this one shiny thing they saw once. So that's what those trinkets are for! It all makes sense now!

Ride it out

You stare attentatively at each of the chatty pirates in turn, nodding and looking thoroughly fascinated. "Uh huh," you say, "and then what happened? And then what happened? And then what happened?" After a few hundred times, you finally ask "and then what happened?" and are met with nothing but an eerie silence. You quickly hoof it away from the chatty pirates before they start back up again. Then you do some push-ups, so you don't waste an adventure.

You gain 100-120 Beefiness.

Jump overboard

You decide you'd rather freeze your barrrnacles off than listen to another word of mindless chatter, so you leap over the railing and into the ocean. The water's chilly, but your splash attracts the attention of a nearby mermaid, who takes a liking to you and gives you a tour of her undersea kingdom. The ensuing musical numbers teach you a lot about the lives of the merfolk. By the time you come back to the ship, you feel much more in touch with the mystic than you did before.

HPYou lose 10-15 hit points. (cold damage)
You gain 100-120 Wizardliness.

Occurs at the F'c'le.



  • "Fight chatty fire with chatty fire" is a play on the adage "fight fire with fire".
  • "So that's what those trinkets are for!" references the fact that valuable trinkets were long derided for having no purpose except their autosell value.
  • The Jump Overboard result refers to The Little Mermaid.

See Also