Cactuary

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Cactuary
Monster ID 465
Locations The Arid, Extra-Dry Desert
Hit Points 139
Attack 137
Defense 126
No-Hit 147
Initiative 10
Meat 80-120
Phylum plant
Elements None
Resistance None
Monster Parts head, arm, leg, torso
Drops
bit-o-cactus, cactus fruit, giant cactus quill, handful of sand
Manuel Entry
refreshedit data
cactuary You're fighting a cactuary

This is a surprisingly animated, weirdly two-dimensional saguaro cactus (pronounced "suh-WAR-oh, not "su-GWAR-oh, by the way) that has an impressive command of the mathematics of risk assessment. If consulted, it'd say the risk you're incurring by attacking it is not worth the potential rewards you might reap, but you don't have time to consult it before it attacks you.

Hit Message(s):

It falls over and lands on top of you. It's a lot less humorous than postcards have led you to believe.Ooh! Argh! Oof! Argh! Eek!

It stabs you with the quills on top of its head. You feel vaguely like a piece of parchment. Ugh! Argh! Ugh! Eek! Ow!

You fall on the cactus. That was inadvisable, man... it hurts like a mother. Ow! Ugh! Eek! Ooh! Ooh!

It whacks you with one spine-covered arm. You feel like a pincushion. Eek! Ow! Ow! Oof! Ow!

Critical Hit Message:

It stands about ten feet away from you and flips back and forth in a weird little dance. You feel about 1,000 needles stick into your various body parts. Ugh! Argh! Ugh! Ouch! Argh!

Miss Message(s):

It falls over to land on top of you, but misses and crashes into the sand.

It tries to stab you with its quills, but you're nobody's piece of parchment.

You start to fall on the cactus, but remember that not even whiskey would ease the ensuing pain.

It tries to whack you with a spine-covered arm, but you're nobody's pincushion.

Fumble Message:

It stops to calculate whether or not it would be adviseable to attack you this round. It takes so long to do the calculations that whether or not to attack quickly becomes a moot point. (FUMBLE!)


After Combat

Meat.gifYou gain 80-120 Meat (average: 100, stdev: 8.56)*
Peyote.gifYou acquire an item: bit-o-cactus (27.1% chance)*
Quill.gifYou acquire an item: giant cactus quill (5.6% chance)*
Cactusfruit.gifYou acquire an item: cactus fruit (20.3% chance)*
Scpowder.gifYou acquire an item: handful of sand (19.0% chance)*
You gain 34-35 <substat>.

Occurs at The Arid, Extra-Dry Desert.

Notes

  • Physically attacking will cause you to take damage:
You get all scratched up by your opponent's thorns.
HPYou lose 2-9 hit points.
  • The damage can be avoided by using spells or ranged weapons.

References

  • The name of the monster is a combination of "actuary," someone who deals with the mathematics of risk assessment for a living, and "Cactuar", a cactus-like monster from the Final Fantasy games. The critical hit message is a reference to the Cactuar's signature move, "Thousand Needles."
  • The clarification of pronunciation shows the names of two bands, War and GWAR.
  • The name clarification might be a reference to past radio shows, where there was some discussion on the proper pronunciation of the name "Cait Sith" from Final Fantasy VII.
  • Falling on a cactus is a reference to a song recorded by Jick and his good friend Action Jackson which can be found here: [1]