It's hard to understand some things until you've experienced them first hand. No matter how you try to describe it, there's no adequate way to convey the totality of the experience. Parenthood, especially being a mother, is one of those things. A piece of your heart gets up and goes walking out of you, and everything changes. Everything matters more now, not just because you're doing things for yourself or for you and your significant other, but there's someone who is completely and utterly dependent on you for everything. And you'll do anything for that child, anything at all.

            Most parents understand the above; if you're there, you know the feeling. However, very, very few people know what it's like to lose a child, especially in a horrific way. Acey is one of those people.

 There are others who've been through similar events, but as someone who's been in the KOL and SSW communities, Acey's part of this family. In KOL, she's in two clans: Garden of Earthly Delights and Ballad of Fallen Angels, and thanks to the hard work of members of those clans, the Andrew Bailey Memorial Fundraiser managed to raise over $20,000 to help Acey out. OriginalSnarf (a.k.a. LilSnarfer) put it best. "When things happen in this world, there are two ways to react: as a victim or as a survivor." And it'd be easy to paint Acey as a victim of an utterly senseless crime. However, it wouldn't be right. Acey is a survivor, and I had the chance to talk with her about how she's making that happen.

First off, how are you physically doing today, and how far have you come since the incident?

It is hard for me to be brief, other than to say 'I'm doing good.' Physically, I am healing up pretty well. I had 18 staples in my head, some stitches in my shoulder, had an operation on my cheek, and also suffered a chest contusion. My face was swollen and I was not able to open my left eye for about a week and a half. I wasn't able to eat anything or chew for a few weeks.  I drank lots of smoothies and Ensure. Ensure is not good, in case you are wondering.

Obviously there were also a lot of bruises and scratches. Only one bruise remains, and it is finally fading. All of those wounds are healing up pretty well; the scars are fading.  I can finally lay and sleep on my left side for a while, and roll over. Never take that for granted, I tell you.

Looking at me, you cannot see that I ever had anything happen...thankfully.  I had parts of my head shaved, and I have a creative layered haircut to cover that up.  The scar from my cheek surgery is hidden in my hairline and isn't noticeable at all.

I am noise and light sensitive, and my head is still a little tender. The headaches are less severe now as well as less frequent. Unfortunately, the pain doesn't go away unless I take something.  However, I am grateful to not have what feels like a train wreck inside my cranium all day, every day. I also suffer from some memory loss. I am missing patches of time here and there, partly from taking blows to the head, and partly from the shock, trauma, and heavy medication I was on.

I do consider myself lucky, and I am still surprised that I made it out alive.

What was your initial reaction to the fund drive, and were you at all shocked by the response?

First, there was the Andrew Bailey Memorial Fund that was created by a high school friend of mine. She had an overwhelming response from her community and numerous requests of "What can we do to help Merrily and Andrew?" She did all of the legwork and got the fund set up. I was so amazed that someone would go out of their way for us like that. I was even more amazed that so many people cared and wanted to reach out to me. I had a hard time accepting money from everyone-friends, family and strangers. Everyone wanted to help in some way. As my Dad put it, "People want to help you.  Let them, it helps them too." Little did I know just how much more help I would get.

Next, my "Garden of Earthly Delights" KOL clannies as well as my "Ballad of Fallen Angels" clannies started spreading word of the incident and of the memorial fund and how to help. They made sure to mention everything in Secret Society Wars too. The donations started coming in immediately, and with them I received so many beautiful letters and messages with words of love, care, support, and encouragement. So many people didn't know what to say at all, only that they were so sorry. Really, what words are there when something like this happens?  Every word and thought that came my way is still so meaningful to me.

The SSW and KOL radio show benefit that followed was also very surprising. I had sort of expected by then that the world would go on, and people would be moving on with their own lives and problems. Instead, more and more people reached out to me with generous hands and words of encouragement. Every single word that was spoken and mailed to me that night touched me. So much effort and hard work was put into organizing, executing, and follow through, even when it was rough. They even went so far as to play music that I love. Sorry to all of you who may have hated it, but it was icing on the cake for me. So many people reached out to me in so many ways. At first I tried to respond to each one as I wanted to make sure that people knew how much of a difference they were making, how uplifting it all was to me. Honestly, I couldn't keep up! The response was absolutely overwhelming.

Then there was the auction. Un-fucking-believable! People were still digging deep and showing so much love and support. The effort that all of the organizers put into it was akin to a full time job for many. This is time people took out of their lives and pocketbooks to organize, plan, communicate, create and execute such an amazing event-time away from their own families, special exceptions for me and Andrew, money spent, brain power at maximum, absolute dedication on everyone's part to make it the success that it was. Another overwhelming response from the community!  I had lost a lot of faith in humanity and people in general until these last few weeks. As I have said before, there truly are not enough "Thank You"s.

The support from my family, friends, online communities, and so many complete strangers has made it possible for me to pick myself up do my best to move forward without the burden of financial worry. I was able to get exactly the headstone I wanted without worrying about the cost. I am so grateful to have been able to have exactly what I wanted for the permanent and final step in putting my most precious Andrew to rest.

I know it's impossible to boil it down to one thing, but if you had to, what would be the one thing you remember most about Drew? What will you hold in your heart?

Wow. As you said, I am absolutely unable to pick any one characteristic or personality trait. What I will always remember is the feeling I had when I first held him.  When Andrew was born and I looked at him for the first time, I felt an unprecedented love that only a parent can feel for their child. It was absolutely wonderful and overwhelming at the same time. I said to him, "YOU are what I was missing." It is like he was the puzzle piece that I never knew I was missing until I had him in my arms. I will never forget that moment.

You've had the most traumatic experience a mother could have. How are you handling this mentally? Not necessarily that your getting counseling, but how are you going through the process?

This is a hard question that I don't really have a quick answer to. Everything is so fresh still, it feels as if it all happened yesterday and I am still waiting to wake up. This *can't* be real. I do have an incredible support system, both online and off. Every day I feel different; it is all very hard to predict. There is really nothing anyone can say or do to ease the pain, but just knowing that people are there, and understand me helps so very much. I feel very blessed to have the support that I do have.

I have been reading a lot. Instead of reading books about loss or grief or recovery, it actually seems to help more to read about people in similar situations and seeing how they handled it-seeing what they went through. I am reading Sharon Rocha [Laci Peterson's mother]'s book called "For Laci: A Mother's Story of Love, Loss, and Justice". I will find her one day, and I hope she'll talk with me. She was the picture of strength in her darkest hours, and I cannot admire her more for the fight she put up for her daughter.

My Aunt lost her son, my cousin Craig, in 2000. She mentioned to me that she wrote a lot of letters to her him after he passed, and that seemed to help get her through. I am now on journal number two of my letters to Andrew. I tell him how much I love him, and how much I miss him. I share my days and my memories with him. I watch his videos and look at his pictures. I go visit him at the graveyard as much as I can, usually twice a week. As hard as it is to know he is in the ground and not in my arms, I still want to be with him. He is buried there next to his big cousin Craig, and his great-grandparents, under a small pine tree.

Andrew does not yet have his headstone, and won't for a couple of months.  Apparently it takes a while to get it made once it is ordered. The first time I went to the graveyard to visit him, it just hurt me so much to see my baby boy there with nothing-no marker, no anything, just freshly replaced grass. I wanted to put something there, and at that time I still hadn't finished the design for the headstone, so I was thinking wind chime or something. I wandered around different stores for hours trying to find just the perfect thing. I did not find anything that I felt was right thing or anything that was meaningful enough. At that point, I decided that I would need to make him something for it to be right, and I would make him a 'necklace' of beads to hang in the tree over his grave. I went to the bead store with my most special and dear friend, who has been my rock and my comfort through all of this. We picked out a bunch of unique and wonderful beads. Some reminded me of characters from his books, some were foods that he liked, some depicted his favorite activities and colors. I tied them all together with letter beads that I made into phrases that were common and meaningful to us. It took me several days, but I was able to make a beautiful, special tribute for my son. That seemed to help more than I may have realized at the time. He has something from Mommy now.

What's next for Acey?

I really don't know what's next, and I am not in a hurry to find out. I am still taking life minute to minute, hour to hour, one day at a time. I am really trying to follow my instincts and do whatever I feel like I need to do. I am looking to find some peace in myself as well as honor the life and loss of my most precious, sweet boy.

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