Mai:  If you didn't get it, that was a hint. Piece of advice (ooh, a free one): read between the lines. Or perhaps around the lines. (Or just read it, really.)

Soupy: Advice. Column. I mean, we're reaaaaally bad at this KoL game thing. So you're taking your epenis into your own hands if you're asking us for any game related tips. Relationships, friendships, etc, etc. Randomness is good, too. Better luck next week, KoLers.

So first question: 
 

Dear A Healthy Dose, 
 
As part of a bet, I have to become an internet celebrity by the end of July. I thought the best way to do this would be to emulate the neediness of the internet in general, and become a believable, though depressing, character. Visit (website removed) for more, um, info. The trouble is, I think the character is too believable. So, whereas I was wanting people to get behind the internet celebrity and make him famous as a means to show how ludicrous internet celebrity is, instead I am hounded with fat jokes and death threats. Why is this? Is there anything I can do to reach out to people who will actually understand the project and help me become famous? I hope so. 
 
Thank you. 
(a wannabe)  
Internet Celebrity.  

Mai: ok. 
Mai: um, well... 
Mai: obviously he wants it. 
Mai: he is trying to reach out. 
Mai: also, suggest that he not intrude on amplitude's copyright there

Soupy: Yeah, but see. I've been an internet celebrity for a few years now.  
Soupy: It's not all it's cracked up to be.

Soupy: The constant pleading for cybersex...  
Mai: Sweetie, holding the camera doesn't count. 
Soupy: I know, that's why you're not as famous as me.

Mai: No, that was because of the Nixon mask. 
Mai: Your mom just couldn't say no. 
Soupy: My mom's got a Nixon fetish, cut her some slack.  
Soupy: So I think this guy wants to know "why would anonymous people call a poor attention whore fat and threaten his life?"and that seems pretty obvious to me. 
Soupy: I mean, if I'm translating.

Mai: put up risque photos of ladies? 
Mai: That will get him lots of cred.

Soupy: Good plan, really. 
Soupy: Risque ladies ftw.  
 
 

Dear A Healthy Dose, 

What is the meaning of Christmas? Is it true that Santa is a Communist anti-semite who runs a sweatshop? 
 
Why are pears so delicious? 
 
All of these questions are related. 
 
Love,

Confused about Crimbo 

Mai: No. Santa is actually a giant pear (I mean, look at those hips!) with a tattoo of Joseph Stalin. We can see how it's easy to be confused, however. 
Soupy: I can't think of a better answer than that, really. Sometimes the girl just knows what's up. 

Dear A Healthy Dose, 

Here is my question:

Why are bees dying?  

<3,

Concerned about the honey 

Mai: Because I am finally getting my way.

Soupy: ... 
Soupy: it all makes sense to me now.   
Soupy: I never put that together. I know how much you hate bees.  
Soupy: Have you scheduled that operation for your elbow-removal yet? 
Mai: Nah, I'm getting better. 
Soupy: Elbowphobia is dying down? 
Mai: Yep. 
Mai: Tingling right now 'cause we're talking about it. 
[CENSORED FOR I HATE BEES]

Soupy: I hope everyone's making note of this for next valentine's day. I know what I'm sending you...  
 

Dear A Healthy Dose, 

So, what is your method of answering? You can't possibly see my 
tealeaves from there! 
 
Ok, so how does this frigging power sphere thing work?  

Soupy: ...what power sphere?

Mai: It Vibrates the El. Powerfully. In a spherical motion. Gogo Team Suboptimal

Mai: Mm... tea. I like tea. But from a baggie because I am not a jerk. 
Soupy: Yeah, tea leaves are kind of pretentious.  
Soupy: It took me 3 tries to spell pretentious right. Also Gogo Team Suboptimal! 
 

hello,

in the kingdom of loathing i am a pastamancer, and i am thinking about making a new account. what do you beleif is the best class to be in (or since you are cold front waht IS the best class)

thanks,

a guy who likes kingdom if loathing 

Mai: I started as a Pastamancer. I go back to them every so often. But really, Brahaman is the best class.

Soupy: ...You're such a dork, but wow. So, I started as a Pastamancer too. Which should really be plenty of proof of the awesomeness of Pastamancery.  
Soupy: However, I do have the "I club Seals" bumper sticker. 2 of 'em.

Mai: Yeah, ‘cause your bumper is so big that you need two. 
Soupy: I bought them for your mom? Anyway. You can't go wrong there, either.   
Mai: I just recommend doing whatever your heart tells you to do. Or if you're feeling violent, crimey, or hungry, well… click the character that best expresses the inner you. That is the best class to be in, young grasshoppper.  Also, F7. 

Is there something that I can be doing with the meat that I have(around 15 mil.) while I'm working to accumulate the meat that I need (around 35 mil.)? Or, is there someone who will sell me a personal raindrop for 15 mil. and end this farce?

Thanks.

your buddy,

desperate for meat 

Soupy: I vote MMG. 
Mai: Hm. 
Mai: Carefully though.  
Soupy: Nah. All on one huge bet. 
Soupy: Always worked for me. Except when it didn't.  

Once again, email us at This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it with YOUR questions about life, relationships, the world, pandas, or (if you're a masochist, that is) the game itself and be treated with A Healthy Dose of Soupydreck37 and Mai. 

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